Volume 5 - The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  “Man! I got hit again! This game is driving me crazy!”

  It wasn’t just Haruhi, even I was extremely annoyed at getting such a score against the computer. But this had nothing to do with the computer difficulty, but rather due to someone who kept impatiently charging her fleet into enemy lines and getting annihilated.

  “We’re going to have to rework our strategy.”

  I moved my eyes away from the screen, which was showing the words “GAME OVER” with melancholic music.

  “We’d better reallocate the attributes for each of our fleets, especially your commanding fleet.”

  There are three adjustable attributes for each fleet, “Speed”, “Defense”, and “Attack”. Each player starts with 100 points, and these points are allocated to the above three attributes at the beginning of the game. Like “Speed 30,” “Defense 40,” and “Attack 30.” Haruhi kept adjusting her fleet to “Speed 50,” “Defense 0,” and “Attack 50.” As a result, the hull armor on her vessels were as thin as paper. I really wanted to tell her, “Don’t underestimate the galaxy!” That girl just wants to rush in and sink the enemy. Even with me and Koizumi trying to shield her, if her commanding fleet gets wiped out as a result, then there won’t be a starfleet for her to command.

  “I can’t take this anymore! This is so troublesome! What’s so fun about this game? Can’t it be more simple?”

  Despite complaining, Haruhi still decided to restart the game. The screen on my notebook computer once again shows the logo for .

  Haruhi cheerfully clicked her mouse and said,

  “It would be better if this was a role-playing game. They would play the Evil Dark Lord, while I’d be the Fated Hero. It’d be great if we got straight to a boss battle right after the opening movie. I’ve always wondered, why do these bosses always hide in the dungeons? Wouldn’t it be better for them to appear right at the beginning? I’d certainly do that if I were the Dark Lord. That way, the Hero wouldn’t need to waste their time wandering around in the dungeon, and the story could come to an end quickly.”

  I ignored Haruhi’s insane ramblings, and looked at what the other members sitting in a row were doing. Sitting nearest to Haruhi is the Advising Officer Koizumi, followed by me and Asahina, while Nagato sat furthest away.

  “This game is indeed hard to play. Maybe it’s because I’m not too familiar with video games. The controls are easy, but the commands can get very tricky.”

  Koizumi commented in his usual way and gave the same smile as when he was playing Othello. On the other hand, Asahina, who still wore her maid costume even though it was not necessary for this occasion, said,

  “Uwaa~. I just can’t move this as I want it to. This game is set in space, but why are our movements limited to the second dimension?”

  She asked such a basic question, while amateurishly moving her mouse.

  I can understand the concerns of these two members, but I was totally mystified by the remaining member.

  “……”

  Nagato Yuki looked at the screen intently like a mathematician trying to solve a highly advanced math problem. She was the first to get used to the game; unaffected by Haruhi’s fleet charging blindly, it was thanks to her precise command of her fleet that we were able to score our first and only victory.

  Of course I took precautions. During lunch break I told her not to use any tricks like magic or data manipulation. Nagato stared at me for a few seconds, then silently nodded her head. The burden on my shoulders instantly lightened a lot. Thanks to this, I was able to take on this game without any worries. If we really do beat the Computer Group, then it must be a mistake on their part. It’s only natural for humans to make mistakes. Yup, I’ve even prepared excuses to shirk off any responsibilities.

  All that’s left is to formulate a strategy where we can give the enemy a run for their money, then come up with a tragic script where all our efforts end in vain. Oh yes, I must remember to burn Asahina’s secret photo album onto a CD-ROM as well.

  The week passed by like the tumultuous autumn weather, the fated day has finally arrived.

  Haruhi led us to our seats in the Literature Club room and we waited for the battle to commence. The Computer Study Group also stood by in their club room, staring at their monitors, which were counting down the seconds before the battle began.

  Before the battle begins, the screen shows the stats for each fleet. It’s actually just the names and what types of vessels each fleet has. The fleets’ vessel counts and positions were classified.

  Starting with the commanding fleet, the Computer Group’s fleet names were , , , , and respectively.

  Even the names sound so revolting, I have the impression that they had a lot of free time on their hands making up such names. However, it seems I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t interested in how they come up with their names.

  “How annoying! From the right side we’ll just call them Enemies A, B, C, D, and E. The commanding fleet is A.”

  Haruhi swiftly gave the enemy fleet their new names, and completely discarded the egotistical sounding names. Speaking of which, if you could do that, why not change the name for my as well?

  “The battle’s about to begin. Everyone listen up, we must take the initiative, this is only the beginning. Our enemy is not only the Computer Group. Only by total annihilation of the enemy can the reputation of the SOS Brigade be spread all over the galaxy! Sooner or later, I’ll contact the Education Ministry and have them set up branches for the SOS Brigade in various public schools nationwide. Just ambition alone is not enough, you need to learn to ask for a bigger cookie!”

  I wonder what everyone here thinks of Haruhi’s megalomaniacal delusions. Koizumi flicked the loose muscles on his chin with his thumb; Asahina tucked the sleeves of her maid uniform; I pretended do some deep breathing and sighed deeply; while Nagato’s brows moved a little bit.

  “Forget it. It’s not like we’ll lose anyway. I forbid you to show mercy on them! Showing mercy to the opponent is the biggest insult to them! If you want to fight, give it your all!”

  I’ve always wondered, what is the raw ingredient for this confidence? How I wish she would share some with me, even two milligrams of it would do.

  “Really? Then let me cheer you up.”

  I don’t know what was going on in Haruhi’s head, as she began staring intently at me.

  I don’t know what was going on in Haruhi’s head, as she began staring intently at me.

  Don’t look at me like that so seriously. No matter how long you look, there’s no way I can give you a lucky Tarot card.

  And so, we looked at each other for up to ten seconds, in the end I couldn’t stand it anymore and moved my eyes away first.

  At this moment,

  “Well? You feeling better now?”

  Haruhi gave a victorious smile. I didn’t know that sort of staring game can raise one’s spirits.

  “I focused my energy into my stare and channeled it into your body! Don’t you feel all warm right now? You should be sweating now, right? Next time I think I’ll do that to anyone who looks depressed!”

  I beg you, please don’t stare at people like that in front of others anymore, because my mind has misinterpreted Haruhi’s intention to channel her energy into me as an intention to plot something against me.

  “The battle will commence soon.”

  Hearing Koizumi’s enthusiastic voice, my vision returned to the computer screen. Asahina looked nervously at her own screen as she began to mutter to herself,

  “……W…what should I do? I don’t think I can do this……”

  Don’t worry, it’s just a game. No one’s really going to die. Even if there are casualties, it’ll just be the computer monitors.

  Let us pray that Haruhi won’t end up throwing all the computers out of the window in anger.

  1600 hours.

  The marching tune signaled the commencement o
f the battle for the computer’s ownership.

  At first, the starfleet had devised the following strategy.

  would take the vanguard position, with the and behind covering the sides. Much further behind would be the and .

  ……That’s it, really.

  Upon being asked to send surveillance vessels to scout the area, Haruhi simply replied, “Too bothersome!” since she’s only interested in charging forward and destroying the enemy. It was a fact that she wasn’t going to be of much help even before the two fleets had clashed.

  Asahina was of even less help than Haruhi, so we allocated all the supply vessels to her fleet. Hence the triangle indicating the was slightly larger than the others, and as a result, her movement was much slower. I gave her a clear instruction, “If you are approaching the battle lines, hurry up and get away.” I believed that to be the most suitable action for her.

  Besides, Haruhi’s fleet attributes have now been set to “Speed 20,” “Defense 60,” “Attack 20.” This was mainly due to the fact that if Haruhi’s fleet gets destroyed, we would lose the battle, so raising her defenses became a priority. Fighting in the front lines, Nagato, Koizumi and my fleets were all given even attributes of “Speed 33”, “Defense 33”, “Attack 34”. It was arranged this way because we had intended for Haruhi to stay behind while we buy time for her. But in no time, the situation has now become like what was described in the beginning of this story.

  Right now, as I had mentioned to everyone in the beginning, the simulation battle between the Computer Study Group and the SOS Brigade is imminent.

  “All right then, I’ll retreat to the back first while you take care of the enemy. Mikuru-chan, let’s sit back and watch the show.”

  “Ah……o…okay……”

  Sitting to my right, Asahina nodded her head obediently, then said in her sweet and soft voice,

  “Good luck, Kyon-kun.”

  That was really an effective motivational call. If the commanding fleet was the , then I would block all the missiles that came her way, without hesitation. Yet I had to be in charge of protecting that tyrannic despot. If I were a feudal lord with a sizeable military force of my own, I would definitely turn against her. Sadly, this game doesn’t provide a “Mutiny” option. Oh well, I’ll just have to do my best and take on the enemy ahead.

  1615 hours.

  Nagato suddenly began typing fast on the keyboard. She was so fast, it was hard to see with the naked eye, literally. It looked as though she regarded the mouse to be too inconvenient. I don’t know when she began, but Nagato had created her own Macro program for , allowing her to command her fleet more directly through the keyboard. Thanks to this, the bravery and tenacity of the was certainly an eye-opener. Its ferociousness in battle could probably match that of Belisarius of the Byzantine Empire under Emperor Justinius’ rule. Unfortunately, they were badly outnumbered.

  The only fleets engaged in battle for our side were the , and . The enemy had four fleets engaging us, save their commanding fleet (Enemy A) which was hidden. From all the past battles, we have learned one basic lesson: the outcome is usually decided by the numbers of both sides. Being three against four, our chances of uncorking the champagne bottle to celebrate were very slim. Our chances would hardly increase even if we threw Haruhi’s and Asahina’s fleets into the front line. If we did that, it would just make the enemy’s work of destroying us all at once much easier.

  “The enemy seems to be luring us with a crane wing formation.”

  Advising Officer Koizumi whispered to me,

  “If we chase them, we’ll fall right into their trap. I suggest we stay put and concentrate on our defenses, what do you think?”

  It’s useless telling me, I think it’s a good idea, but what matters is Haruhi’s opinion.

  Besides……

  I looked over Asahina’s shoulders and at Intelligence Officer Nagato’s face.

  I don’t know what the reason was, but Nagato was surprisingly more proactive than usual. Her face was as blank as always, yet, since the battle began, her eyes had been fixed on the screen, and the vessels of the were already in active battle. What inner emotion of Nagato’s had triggered?

  “Analysis”—Nagato hadn’t been lying when she said that. This emotionless alien-created living humanoid interface has now fully understood the Computer Study Group’s self-developed game like the back of her hand. She probably knows the game better than its original creators. As long as she is here, all computers created by modern Earth civilizations are like antique clocks made before the Industrial Revolution for her, and can be dealt with easily.

  Yet, Nagato’s pupils have gone from her usual glowless obsidian black to a glittering chromed silver color. I was beginning to miss her old self……

  Showing an energy never seen before, Nagato continued typing on the keyboard, with swift motions. Her eyes were moving around the screen, never stopping once. She had discarded the Graphical User Interface for the game and had opened a small window of her own, where she insanely keyed in her commands nonstop.

  “……”

  The moved swiftly, constantly sending out surveillance vessels which worked hard searching for the enemy fleet’s position. We now knew that ahead of our empire’s fleet lay and . Nagato engaged them both on the front line, all on her own. I’d better go and help her, I can’t just stay behind and watch.

  Just as I was about to move, the got showered by a rain of lasers from its side.

  “What the…!?” I exclaimed.

  “Ah…damn!” Koizumi shouted as well.

  I looked carefully and noticed that the was under heavy bombardment on its port side. and had suddenly come out of nowhere and attacked us both left and right. In no time, the vessel count for the had dramatically decreased.

  “What the hell are you doing!?”

  Haruhi yelled at me using a yellow loudspeaker.

  “Now go retaliate properly for me! Show them what we’ve got!”

  I’d do that even without your reminding. These guys sure are gaming professionals, to be able to sneak through Nagato’s surveillance network, but we can’t go on getting beat like this.

  I gave the command for the to change directions. At once the entire fleet turned 90 degrees to the right. Then, when I had locked down the enemy within my shooting range, I fired…… but, just as I tried to do that, quickly turned around and disappeared into the darkness of space. Now that pissed me off, and I sent out surveillance vessels to scout for his position, but I could not find a single enemy vessel.

  “Damn, they got away.”

  It seems like they have employed a hit-and-run strategy using fleets with high “Speed” attributes. , which was attacking the port side of the also took its cue and disappeared without a trace. Now I get it, Enemies and , which were engaged in battle with the , were diversions, while their main forces were and . In that case, their commanding fleet, doesn’t even have to fight and can hide safely in the depths of the galaxy. That seems to be their overall strategy.

  “Wah~~……I’m scared~~……”

  Despite her clumsy movements, Asahina had precisely steered her fleet to the corner of the screen. Though she was a bit too far away to be able to provide supplies to our fleet’s depleting defenses. Even then, at this rate, our fleet would be wiped out before we would even have to worry about running out of energy and missile supplies. The had seized the initiative.

  From then on, like wild dogs returning constantly to the scent of a sweet bone, and continued to harass the and with their
hit-and-run tactics. Every time we gave chase, they would release their homing missiles and disappear without a trace. We were currently struggling to deal with these frustrating tactics. Slowly depleting our strength while avoiding a one-on-one showdown is the sort of tactic that Haruhi hates most.

  On the other hand, fighting on its own, the has tactically evaded the wave attacks of and , and provided us with some much needed relief. If it hadn’t been for her fleet, we would already be floating in the galaxy as space debris. Even if we should lose this battle, she should at least get an award for bravery.

  “……”

  Nagato didn’t even look like she was breathing as she stared into her screen; never once did her hands stop typing on the keyboard. I bet the guys from the Computer Group were looking surprised as well, since I was surprised myself.

  Has Nagato been infected with Haruhi’s unyielding attitude?

  1630 hours.

  The situation has now gone from bad to worse.

  Realizing that the wasn’t easy to deal with, only stayed behind to take on Nagato. With the exception of the their commanding fleet , whose whereabouts were still unknown, the remaining three fleets have now begun a well-timed wave attack on us from our left and right. I was impressed with how well Enemies , , and were coordinated, when was targeted, would come out to attack; and when we gave chase to , would fire its lasers at us. Dealing with their diversionary hide and seek methods, I had the impression I was taking on seasoned professionals and was certainly not enjoying it at all. I really wanted to ask them to not push too far, but when I remembered this battle concerns the fate of a few computers, I sort of sympathized with them.