by T. Nixon
In a moment of strength and clarity I spoke my mind, but first, I laughed. “I'm sorry,” I said when I caught my breath. “Have you looked in a mirror lately?” His eyebrows furrowed as he considered what I said.
“What?” he asked, looking down at himself, his arms outstretched. “You think I've changed?” his tone was half joking but I wasn't sure what the other half was. He laughed a little which caused me to laugh too. But I was quickly affected by his eyes and how his big, warm smile changed the entire landscape of his face making him even more attractive. Brooding he was handsome; with a genuine smile he was downright gorgeous. Within seconds he had my insides flipping again and my heart pounding. I willed him to put his arms down because open they were inviting.
“Yeah, I guess I'm not as scrawny as I used to be,” he said.
“I'll say,” I agreed and started walking again. Anything to get my eyes off him.
“But I'm still me,” he defended.
“Uh, in case you haven't noticed, you have changed quite a bit,” I replied.
“How?” he demanded.
“Well for one thing, you and sarcasm weren't friends,” I said thinking of him the first night when I had seen him at Porters.
“Ah well,” he said dismissively. “Underneath it all I haven't changed much.”
I didn't respond. He wanted to believe he was still the same kid, but he wasn't. He didn't want to admit defeat over time and circumstances. He had hardened, probably because of what he went through with his family, and he had found himself in his looks, his girlfriend was a testament to that.
He seemed agitated by my silence. I kept walking and felt calmer with each step. There was a part of us that was still the same, it felt better when I was in the lead, more in control, even though it had been natural to let him go first. Up ahead I could see a break in the trees. I knew we were almost there. I slowed my step and looked around. AJ came up close and peeked around me.
“There it is,” he said slightly triumphantly. He got in front of me and I let him. A little of the fear from the day before crept in. If there had been an animal, it could still be around. I followed close to him though his pace had quickened. When we got to the edge of the meadow we stopped, still safe in the cover of the trees, and looked around for anything that might be amiss.
Nothing. The meadow was peaceful, calm and the warm sunshine was inviting. The grass swayed as if the wind were music. A light breeze caressed the lowest hanging branches of the giant tree, forcing them to dance.
“Wow,” AJ said, his voice a whisper. He looked around for another second and then broke into the meadow, drawn across the sea of green towards the towering tree. From our perspective a couple acres away, the tree did not look so dominating. But to someone who grew up among them AJ could instantly discern it was massive, and he had a desire to get closer to it.
We hurried across the meadow so we could do what we came to do, get closer to the tree. We laughed as we broke out into a run across the meadow, and impromptu race in which I knew I would be the loser, and for one brief minute I felt normal. We stopped when we were within 10 feet of the tree to assess the sentinel once more. Around us, everything was fine. No weird sounds, no indication anything was out of the ordinary, so we got closer.
The tree sat with its front to the meadow and it's back to its siblings. On one side of it was open land and the other was forest. AJ was thrilled by it, running up onto a root to touch its gnarled bark. I waited a few steps back, a lingering twinge of uneasiness causing me to wait until AJ made sure the coast was clear.
He disappeared around the large base of the tree, a base wide enough to hide 3 people standing side by side. He was gone for several seconds and then I heard him call to me, “Vic you gotta see this!”
I crept my way closer, up the mound at the base and the around it the way AJ had gone. The branches gave way on the back side, only flourishing in the front where there was no competition for light or room. I touched the bark as I toured the tree. Rough, thick bark, layer upon layer.
A large crevice, big enough for a person to enter and stand inside. A split in the base in the backside that immediately brought on fascination and fear- fear that it had been an animal Greta and I had encountered the day before.
“This is so odd, “AJ said. From inside the tree his voice was hollow and muted. He poked his head out of the opening and with shining eyes he said, “you should come in and check this out.”
I didn’t rush forward. For one thing he didn’t give the impression he was going to vacate the space so I could fill it, and I wasn’t sure I could be that close to him without my insides exploding. I took a step forward and stuck my head in, one hand bracing the side of the opening. It was cozy inside- and also cold.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” AJ said as he leaned forward and grabbed my free hand and pulled me in.
My stomach flipping. We were only inches apart, his hand still firmly holding mine, his face so close I could feel his breath. Our eyes met and my heart pounded harder. His eyes were wide as they searched mine, almost as if he was surprised by his feelings. I gently tugged my hand out of his and crossed my arms, at the same time I tore my eyes away from his and looked around the cavity of the tree.
“Is it, uh, is it cold in here?” I asked awkwardly.
“Yeah, now that you mention it, it is really cold in here,” he put his hand out to test the temperature, moving it around to different spots. I stepped out of the cavity eager to put a little space between us. He stuck his hand out behind me, and then stepped out himself.
“Seriously, it's way colder in there than out here. I mean, I would expect it to be a little cooler but there is a big difference.”
“What do think would cause that?” I moved away, examining the thick rivulets of bark.
He scratched his head and looked quizzically back towards the opening. “I don't know... but it can't be normal. Feel it.”
He stepped back to give me room. I moved forward with my hand outstretched. I placed it into the opening and the temperature change was even more obvious than it had been moments before when we were both inside the cavity. Goose bumps spread up my arm and I withdrew my hand quickly. “What's going on?” I asked as I stepped backwards.
“I don't know,” AJ replied. He entered the cavity again and instantly his eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open.
“What is is?” I called, starting to worry. I looked around trying to come up with a plan in case something happened to him.
“Look!” he called, and my eyes instantly sought his. He was looking at his arm, he had lifted it. All his tiny dark hairs were standing on end. I leaned in and felt the hairs on my head shift.
“AJ,” I said nervously, “maybe you should get out of there.”
“This is crazy!” he said with a wide smile. “I can feel the static on my head too!”
“Yeah so maybe you should get out. That's can’t be a normal thing to happen!”
“It could be,” he said as he said as he stepped out. He ducked his head as he passed through the opening. I couldn't help but notice the cold pink flush to his cheeks. It made his eyes seem brighter, younger. For a second I saw the old AJ in him. “What?” he asked, his eyes bouncing back and forth between mine. I realized I must have been staring.
“What, what do you think would cause that?” I stammered.
“I don't know,” he replied, “but it's pretty cool.” He looked back into the cavity. “Do you hear that?” he asked. I shook my head; all I could hear was the water-like sound of the leaves moving high in the trees. He leaned closer and I automatically copied him.
“What?” I asked. He put his hand up to quiet me.
After several seconds he said, “it sounds like... a low humming.” I strained to hear out, tried to shut out the nature sounds around me. I did hear it, barely, a low, static humming noise, not like a person, but not like a machine either.
AJ leaned back and placed a hand on the tree. He looked
up its trunk, his head thrown back as far as it could go. He made a small sound of amazement, tilted his head back down and then looked at me. “This is an amazing tree.” He eyes were heavy with sincerity and his voice thick with reverence. “I can see why this was a special place for Cherry and James. Hey!” I started at the sudden change in his demeanor. “I bet Brad was hiding in the cavity when he was spying on them.”
“We don’t know that he was spying,” I said defensively. I liked Brad and wanted to believe there was some other reason he was in that picture.
“Well,” AJ said and gave me a look. Whatever I wanted to believe it was clear he believed the opposite. I still couldn’t get my head around Brad being in love with Cherry even though it made perfect sense. He briskly walked away towards the center of the meadow. I watched as he looked back at me and the tree, changing his position to get different views.
“Go back around and stick your head out like in the picture,” he called. I did what he asked, carefully making my way closer to the cavity. I threw a glance inside and then, with my hands on the trunk for balance, I creeped around the edge until I could see AJ. He changed his position again a few times then waved at me to come around some more. He gave me a thumbs up and then jogged towards me.
He took a swig from his water bottle before he said, “yeah, he must have been hiding back there.” He pointed towards the back, bottle still in hand. I caught myself staring at him, so I stuck my hands in my pockets and walked out into the meadow. I followed his path in the tall grass until I got to where he had stopped at the first time.
The sun was bright and warm and already edging the western side of the treetops. The grass swayed gently, and the leaves shimmered with the caress of the breeze. The sun and the sounds quieted my mind and lulled me into a relaxed state. AJ still stood near the tree, but he had turned to watch me. We looked at each other silently across the wide sea of green. His body was still. The distance prevented me from seeing the look in his eyes, but I didn’t need to. An energy moved between us, and there, among the grass and wildflowers, surrounded by old trees, I felt something happening.
I watched as he moved towards me. I became aware of my heart pounding harder with every step that brought him closer. I swallowed hard and licked my lips as he approached, when had my lips become so dry? He didn’t take his eyes off me. I wanted to run but I was frozen to the spot.
He stopped when he was about 3 feet in front of me. His brown eyes were shadowed, quizzically serious as they looked back and forth between mine. He was questioning me; he must have felt it too. From my core I felt a magnetic pull towards him, but I resisted.
“Vic,” he said quietly, his voice cracking. It was too much for me to bear and I wanted nothing more than to run, run away far and fast from the crazy feeling. Instead, I let out a breath and closed my eyes, and the next thing I knew his arms were wrapped around me. I released myself, my knees weak, and threw myself into him. He held me perfectly, one arm wrapped tightly around my waist, the other over my shoulders. My face was buried in his chest, my hands gripping the back of his sweatshirt. “It’s ok,” he said, and the sound of his voice in that moment just made it worse.
I unburied my face and looked at him. A strong breeze came through and blew my hair around as he looked down at me. He smoothed my hair back, the look in his eyes was not discernible, causing me a moment of anxiety that maybe we were experiencing different things. It’s not possible, it’s too strong.
He moved his hand from the back of my head to my cheek. He caressed me delicately with the backs of his fingers, sending an electrical thrill through me, intensifying the pull towards him. It made me want to be closer, and I was already pressed into him. “Vic,” he said in almost a whisper. He closed his eyes and put his forehead on mine. Our lips were so close, my heart was pounding so hard I was sure he could hear it. My blood was racing, and I didn’t think about what was about to happen. If I did, I would run.
“I have a girlfriend...” he said gently, his face still close.
I wrenched back immediately. I stared at him for a second while I sorted out what was going on. How did I let that happen? What happened?
He looked worried; he knew he had just said the wrong thing. But it had been the right thing because it was true. I backed away from him, regret filling his eyes with each second that passed.
“Victoria-” he began, but I put a hand up to stop him.
I turned away from him and scanned the meadow for the opening in the trees. I started moving towards the trail. This time it wasn’t the fear of an animal I wanted away from. This time I needed to get away from him. I didn’t turn to see if he followed me, but I assumed he did. I prayed he wouldn’t speak to me because I knew if he did, I would come undone.
I walked with a brisk pace, trying as hard as I could to keep distance between us even though the closeness of his footfalls indicated it wasn’t working. I should have known better anyway, AJ was a country boy who was raised in these mountains, he was in better shape than I was, keeping pace with me would not be hard for him. He stayed close but thankfully quiet. I was sure he had his own feelings to sort through, and the look of regret in his eyes did not fade from my memory quickly. It didn’t matter though; the whole scene had been mortifying- my complete loss of control and total surrender to him was embarrassing and scary. I did not need anyone to have that kind of effect on me. The magnetic draw to him, the softness in his eyes, even thinking about them caused a flutter, a flutter which should have been a serious warning.
The signs had been there, I should not have ignored them. It had been my fault; every moment of anger and embarrassment should be directed at myself and not at him. Even though he had given in too, he was able to stop himself whereas I wasn’t. No, it was better if I did not allow myself to get into any more situations where I could ever surrender again. I would not think about his warm face so close to mine or the sun glowing off his hair...
◆◆◆
I had never been so grateful to see a piece of metal in my entire life. When the pasture gate came into view I could have kissed it. The only words we spoke the entire walk back had been when AJ told me which path to take when we came to a fork in the trail. I sprinted towards the gate and threw it open. I passed through and continued on, knowing he would close it but still reassured when I heard the metal clink a few moments later.
I wanted to escape, to run now that I was so close being free of him, but I knew I couldn’t part company without saying something or it would be hanging there each time I was forced to see him after.
I turned to face him, walking backwards a few steps, doing anything but look him in the eye and said “ok, so, thanks. I guess I’ll see you around.” I turned back around and quickened my pace.
He didn’t say anything. He didn’t try and stop me or catch up to me. He let me go. When I got around the other side of the barn I started running. I ran around the Barrel Barn and all the way to the door of the house. I sprinted up the porch steps and threw the kitchen door open, hurried inside and slammed it behind me. I leaned against the closed door, breathing hard, and listened for sounds of life within the house. Thankfully, all was quiet. I peeled myself away and went up to my room and directly to the window. I looked out but saw no sign of AJ. I sat on the edge of the bed nearest the window and tried not to think about anything while I waited for my breathing to slow and my heart to stop pounding.
I needed something to distract myself so settled back on the bed and grabbed my phone and earbuds from the nightstand. I put on some music, and checked for texts, even though every day there were fewer and fewer. I played music that wouldn’t allow me to think and laid down.
Not too long later I heard voices in the gravel yard outside, I sprang up and looked out the window. Sure enough Brad and Cherry were mid-way across the yard and AJ was heading towards them from the vicinity of the Barrel Barn. I watched as he exchanged words with Cherry and Brad and then made a beeline for his truck. He got in, slammed the do
or and started the engine without looking at the house. I let the curtain drop, a hint of disappointment in my action. What did I expect?
I ran over to the bed and grabbed a pillow, quickly buried my face in and let out a scream. I was so frustrated by everything. I threw the pillow down and at the same time heard the kitchen door open and close. I could make out Cherry's voice as she talked to the dogs or Brad. I didn't want to go down. I didn't want to do anything except forget everything I had seen and felt and start over.
Kitten nosed my door open, walked over to me and nudged my hand. I flopped onto the bed and petted her. I contemplated her easy life and wished I was a dog.
When Cherry called me for dinner, I went downstairs despite my strong desire to burrow into a hole and not come out again. The meal was quiet and uneventful. I knew AJ wouldn’t be there and I was grateful that Brad wasn’t either. I wasn’t in the mood for conversation and Cherry seemed to sense it, but she occasionally spoke, as if the silence made her uncomfortable.