by T. Nixon
He put his hands up, palms facing me in a physical attempt to back out of his previous statement. “I'm sorry, I did not intend to imply any guilt. Seriously.”
I was beginning to tire of the conversation. I was already exhausted from the day, from the crying. My cheek was throbbing where I was scratched, and my stomach was growling. Now I wanted a hot bath and comfort food. The stranger must have seen my weariness.
“Look, I really am sorry about my uncle's behavior, but it isn't mine and I hope you can see that. I hope you won't hold it against me that my uncle is a total prick who can't handle his loss.” Something flashed across his eyes momentarily replacing the sparkle with darkness. It passed in an instant, but I had seen it and two things popped into my brain. One, that he had real anger towards his uncle, and two, that he was hiding something. And I felt a strong pull to know what it was.
A gentle rumble, like a tractor plowing a field in the distance emanated from near the tree. The stranger turned to look and then looked back at me as though nothing were out of the ordinary. “I have to get going but I'd love to know you're ok... if you don't mind.”
Perhaps it was the return of the sparkle or his seemingly genuine concern that bewildered me, but I found myself agreeing with surprising quickness. “Um, sure,” I stammered.
“Great! Maybe we could meet back here, say, tomorrow? Same time? Are you free?” He cocked his head a little as he asked, and I found myself wanting to smile. I didn't, but I could feel it in me.
“Yeah, I guess,” I said, feeling stupid at my sudden inability to form real responses.
“Brilliant!” he threw another dazzler at me, eyes firm and still sincere. “Would you like me to walk you back?”
“No!” I said quickly. I did not want to chance him running into Cherry, or worse, Brad. “I mean, I know the trail like the back of my hand.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, I'm sure. Ok, well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow,” I tried to sound confident.
“Bye then,” he said and gave a little wave.
I turned to go. I got a few feet away when I realized I didn't know his name. I turned around, mouth open and ready to ask him but he was gone. All was still where he had been standing.
PART 2
SEVEN
In the mountains the sun sets early. The highest ridge rises taller with an ocean of mature redwoods towering hundreds of feet above the ground. Each tree, all related yet in a steady competition for the light, stretched taller than the one next to it. The sun struggles to get afternoon rays through the almost impenetrable collection of branches. In the mountains, the most reliable time of day is noon, when the sun is highest and fair to all.
The light was low, and the shadows were long as I made my way down the trail back towards the farm. I was overflowing with strange emotions. I kept trying to think but I felt confused. One second, I was flush with anger about the situation at Taste E Freeze and then next I was recalling the stranger’s eyes, wondering what his name is. I would pull myself together, my mind zeroing in on my throbbing scratches and then again drifting back a handsome face with shaggy hair, tearing up his shirt to doctor me. And then to AJ’s face in the parking lot. Defeated, regretful.
The horses trotted up to me when they heard me fiddling with the rusty gate into their pasture. I noted that it took me less time to get back than it had before. I gave each horse a hearty pat and led a procession back towards the barn, myself in front and the two horses following me single file, Greta, her bossiness first and Cary behind her. It was behavior they normally did near dinner time which made me wonder how long I had been gone. I looked up to get an idea of the suns position. It was hidden behind the west line of trees, so I knew it was late in the afternoon.
I let myself into the barn and the horses walked into their respective stalls, nickering and otherwise making a fuss, no matter what the time, they were hungry and they were making it known. I decided that feeding them a little early wouldn't hurt, if anything it would save me the trouble of trekking back out later, so I threw them each two large chunks of hay.
When they were contentedly munching, I let myself out the other end of the barn and headed towards the gravel yard. When I came around the corner of the Barrel barn I stopped. I peeked around at first, not wanting to be caught off guard by who might be out there. I was still upset that AJ had witness the entire scene, and even more so that his troll of a girlfriend had, and the last thing I wanted to do was run into him. It was bad enough one handsome guy had seen me a mess. It would be a hundred times worse if it was AJ.
All was quiet so I began to cross the yard and make my way to the house. I was almost to the porch when the door to the office swung open and Cherry came running out. “Thank God!” she said and clasped her hands in front of her. I stopped so she could catch up to me even though the last thing I wanted was to have a heart to heart with Cherry. It had been a long day.
When she caught up to me, she placed an arm around my shoulder. She had an uncanny ability to sense a person’s mood and act accordingly, a talent that made her quite popular with the town’s folk without their knowledge. In my peripheral vision I saw her eye my face and hands and I had the feeling she had to compel herself not to ask.
Just as we reached the kitchen door, with my hand on the knob, we heard a sound I dreaded. AJ's truck. We were both stopped in our tracks. Cherry turned to see who was coming up our driveway, I stood stiffly. As the truck pulled into the drive and stopped quickly Cherry said “it's AJ,” while I said “I'm going inside.”
Cherry distractedly mumbled something while I turned the knob and let myself in to the darkened house. I turned on the kitchen light, went to the sink and turned on the water to wash my hands. Through the gauzy curtain I could see Cherry walk up to AJ who was out of his truck and standing next to it. His posture was rigid and hostile. I could hear them talking, not the words, rather the echoes of their voices. He was gesturing angrily which caused her to walk forward and place a delicate hand on his bicep.
The water had grown hot and stung the cuts on my hands and my attention was drawn away from the window. Soon after the kitchen door opened, and my heart jumped in my chest. Please don't let him be coming in!
Cherry came in, thankfully alone, and closed the door behind her. She had a bewildered look on her face, her mouth slightly open, eyes wide.
“What?” I asked. I desperately wanted to look out the window and see where AJ had gone, if he was on his way across the gravel, but I didn't dare.
She regained her composure quickly, smoothing a hand over her perfect hair. “AJ is upset,” she said with her cashmere soft voice. She walked over to the pantry and started pulling items out, keeping busy, a tactic I knew well. I waited for her to say more but it was obvious she was not going to volunteer anything.
“Is everything ok?” I asked as I slumped into a chair at the table. I only lightly masked the annoyance I felt at caring... at asking.
“Oh, he broke up with Alyssa today.” Her voice was peculiar, affecting an unnatural nothing out of the ordinary going on here tone.
“Oh,” I said as I examined the cuts on my hands. I don't care, I told myself. Good for him. Now at least he's harpie free. Even though I tried not to care I wanted to know more. I wanted to know why; I unwillingly yearned for details. Maybe that almost kiss had meant more to him than I thought. The mere thought of his hand on my cheek caused a knot in my stomach.
“She is a lovely girl, but I have to say, I'm afraid her beauty is mostly on the outside.” Cherry was at the sink with her back to me, scrubbing lettuce she had pulled from the fridge. I could tell she was not going to divulge any information. If I wanted to know, I would have to ask him myself.
I sensed a subject change was in order and scanned my brain to think of something before Cherry brought up my walk in the woods or asked how I was feeling. The situation with Chester Harris had disturbed and upset me and I didn't want to talk about it. There were a lot of subjects I
didn't want to talk about which made having conversations hard. It was so strange how much I openly volunteered to a stranger I had just met in unusual circumstances. A stranger whose name I still didn't know.
“Vic?” Cherry's voice snapped me out of a daydream I hadn't realized I lapsed into.
“What?” I asked, starting slightly. I sat up straight and looked at her, eyebrows arched, lips clenched.
She surprised me by smiling. “What were you thinking about?” she asked in a sing-song voice.
Immediately I felt blood rush to my face. I don't know how I knew, but with certainty I realized she thought I was thinking about now single AJ. I couldn't tell her the truth, that I was thinking about my stranger, but for some reason I didn't want to dispel her.
“I, uh, was thinking about that tree. The great big one in the meadow. I was uh, just wondering how old it is.”
“Oh, it is a magnificent creature,” she said wistfully. “James and I once guessed it must be at least a thousand years old. It has been serving its purpose in that meadow for so long.”
“Serving its purpose?” I asked casually as I reached for freshly peeled carrot from a tray she had placed on the table.
Her reaction was swift, another one of those moments I would have totally missed had my eyes been diverted for one millisecond more. A look flashed across her eyes, a look that very much resembled panic. I blinked and it was gone, leaving me wondering if I had really seen it all.
“To watch over the meadow of course,” she said smiling. She quickly turned back to the sink which convinced me that the look had been real. Cherry wasn't one to back out of a situation. “That old tree has been providing life and shelter to that meadow. Fathering and mothering the younger trees around it, aerating the soil with its roots, allowing the grass to grow and provide food and bedding for the deer. It's a great comfort to the eco-system,” she paused. “Is that where you went today?”
At the question she turned to look at me. Her eyes were earnest and in them I knew she just wanted to know to keep me safe. Sometimes I forgot the loss of my parents was her loss too. “Yes,” I said quietly. She looked at me a moment more as if she was deciding something.
“Brad is right that there are dangerous things in the forest, but I understand why you would seek solace there. Just promise me you'll be careful.” I nodded and she turned back to her work. For the rest of the night, we talked only of superficial things, when we talked at all.
◆◆◆
The next day dawned gray and dreary. I dragged myself out of bed, tired from a rough night of fitful sleep, full of dreams I couldn't quite remember. I crossed the room and peeked out the window hoping I wouldn't see rain. Rain would make it harder to sneak away to meet the stranger. I didn't see what I dreaded but instead saw a mass of coastal fog that had moved in overnight, obscuring my entire view of the yard outside. I studied the fog a moment, considered its billowing cloud-like nature. I let the filmy curtain drop and sighed, any weather could be hiding behind that veil, and late spring in the mountains, anything was possible.
I was simultaneously nervous, excited and dreading seeing the stranger. I hurried about my morning routine and my chores. All morning I looked over my shoulder expecting to see AJ at any time. I let the horses out, fed and watered them, cleaned the stalls and swept the barn. I pulled out each horse’s saddle and bridle, polished them a bit with a dry cloth and then decided it wasn't too gray a morning to ride. The sun was still hiding behind sleepy mask of fog but there was no rain.
I took each horse through the motions of grooming, saddling, bridling, mounting and a walk-trot-canter-trot walk around the pasture. They got double the exercise by following each other, whomever I wasn't riding ran alongside the one I was. Their antics and personalities made me smile and for the short time I was working hands on with them I forgot about AJ and the stranger.
I headed back up to the house for lunch, my stomach insisting I hadn't eaten any breakfast. I crossed the gravel yard with my head high, refusing to look for AJ or his truck. I would just have to get used to the idea he was around, like it or not, and start learning not to care about it. That didn’t stop me from being relieved to get to the house without running into him. I let myself into a gaggle of dogs whom I petted and then washed my hands and went about making a sandwich.
Things were quiet in the house during the day, Cherry spent all her time in the office, out on the farm cart surveying parts of the farm with Brad, making decisions and working in the tasting room. I was glad that she kept occupied and I wouldn't have to talk to her. She might mention AJ again or ask me about my plans for the afternoon. I didn't think she would approve of my meeting a handsome relative of Chester Harris- even if he was also related to James. Something about it just didn't sit right and I intended to get to the bottom of it. Isn't that the reason I agreed to meet him? So I could get more information? He had caught me severely off guard when I had seen him the day before, I wasn't in the state of mind to grill him with questions.
After I ate I went back out and started on the chores I didn't like- the chickens. I collected the eggs, tidied the coop and emptied, cleaned and refilled the waters. I headed back to the house so I could clean up and change. On the porch I stomped off my oversized rubber boots, shook of my clothes and pulled my hair out of the elastic that confined it and shook it out too. I was leaning forward, my hair cascading in messy waves in front of me, picking out some tiny white downy feathers when I saw AJ crossing the yard.
He looked over at me, a tense, anxious and flat-out unhappy look on his face. I looked back at him, my heart lurching at the surprise of seeing him there. I swallowed hard and focused on keeping a neutral look on my face. He gave me a tight non-smile, where his mouth arched up in the impression of a smile but everything else about his face was unchanged. I just started back for a second then stood myself up, threw my hair over my shoulder and went into the house.
I felt an ache seeing him unhappy, but what could I do? I ran upstairs and I pulled on a pair of fresh jeans and a clean t-shirt, ran a brush through my hair and gargled some mouth wash. I sat on the edge of my bed to put on fresh socks and slid into my Sketchers. It was the first time I had prepared for a long walk in the woods and my feet had certainly noticed the increased amount of time I had spent on them lately. I dug around in my still unpacked sack of clothes for my burgundy hoodie, the one from my high school back home.
I peeked through the curtain of the kitchen door before I opened it, making sure the coast was clear. I didn't see anyone, but the farm cart was parked in front of the office, surrounded by a couple of sleeping dogs. Once I determined the coast was clear I made my way across the yard. I wished I could fly or was invisible with every crunchy, noisy step my feet made on the gravel. I crossed the yard unimpeded and relaxed a bit as I rounded the corner of the Barrel Barn, the shelter of the building making me feel less exposed.
“Vic,” I heard from behind me. Apparently, I had reason for my anxiety. I shut my eyes and cursed silently before taking a deep breath and turning around. AJ was looking at me with a firm and determined gaze.
“What's up?” I asked, trying to sound casual but knowing I sounded tense and fake.
“Are you going to avoid me forever?” He kept his eyes locked tightly on mine. I looked up, down, and everywhere but refused to maintain any extended eye contact with him. When our eyes locked for a second, I felt like he could read everything I was thinking and feeling. For that second I was connected to him I missed him. I looked away quickly.
“I'm not, avoiding you,” I stammered back, “I've just been busy with chores.” I knew it sounded lame but what was I supposed to say?
“Well it sure seems like you've been avoiding me this whole past week.”
“Oh... sorry.” I tucked my hands in my pockets and gave a small little smile. I didn't know what to say, I only knew I wanted out of the situation. “I just...” I didn't even know how I was going to finish.
“Look, I can't tell
you how angry I am about what happened yesterday.”
Oh God, was he really bringing up my humiliation? I felt a heat rise up into my face and must have made a visual reaction because he reached forward but then stopped himself. His expression became pained and then hard, like it had been earlier.
“I can never do the right thing. I'm sorry. Everything I say to you is wrong, what can I do about that? I'm so damned frustrated!” he thrust his fist against the wall of Barrel Barn and the sound of the impact echoed. I just stared at the wall, shocked. “I just wanted you to know!” he shouted and then stormed off.
I stared after him, shocked, my heart following him and wanting to stop him. To make him feel better. “AJ,” I said but he didn't hear me. What would I have said if he had? He disappeared around the corner. Then I was frustrated. He was right, every encounter with him since he rejected me in the meadow was uncomfortable. The meadow.... I remembered I had somewhere else to be.
Stress. I stomped away, trying to stomp out the thoughts and feelings that AJ left in his wake. Too many thoughts whirled around in my head like a funnel cloud, growing darker as they took their turn in the forefront of my mind. AJ had wanted to kiss me; I could feel it in every cell. He was only doing the right thing, the respectful thing by stopping. NO! The respectful thing would have been to never get that close to me in the first place. My skin warmed at the memory.
I argued with myself all the way through the pasture and up to the gate. ENOUGH! I gripped the gate and leaned against it, my chest heaving, my eyes clamped shut. I felt like I was on the brink of darkness, my swelling emotions on the verge of over taking me. Enough. I took a few calming breaths, opened my eyes and then the gate and let myself out of the pasture and into the forest. I clicked the gate closed behind me and with it I my thoughts of AJ. I will not come undone now.
The further away from the farm I got the better I felt. I forced my mind away from AJ, away from things that made me lose control. I pounded my emotions out on the forest floor, hurrying, knowing the hike would take some time and wanting to be rid of this heavy, frustrated heart by the time I met the stranger. I knew there was only one way to get out of my head, I had to go external. I popped my earbuds in, turned on music, and focused on the trees, the path, the few plants that were tough enough to survive in the low light of the forest floor. I took in the colors, the muted greens and various shades of brown. It was working, my heart rate was slowing.