by Amy Engel
And the brisket was edible, we could say that at least. Unlike the salmon patties, or ham loaf, or the other variety of horrors Sharon had inflicted upon me since my arrival. After dinner, there were more presents: a bottle of perfume from Gran (which Allegra sniffed and promptly declared old lady), a promise of driving lessons from Granddad, complete with my own car at the end if I could manage to drive without hitting anything, and a cell phone from Allegra, so I could “join the fucking twenty-first century.” Granddad swatted her hand for cussing at the dinner table.
Allegra grew quieter as the evening went on, so that by the time they were singing “Happy Birthday” over a German chocolate cake, her lips were barely moving. When dinner was over, Allegra changed into a low-cut top, traded her flip-flops for high heels, and we met on the front porch.
“Gonna be hard to walk down the drive in those,” I told her.
“I’ll manage,” she said, taking off ahead of me.
I stopped. She didn’t. “What’s your problem?” I called after her.
“If you’re coming, you better haul ass!”
I thought about going back to the house, but I didn’t want to spend my birthday alone in my room, Gran and Granddad holed up somewhere in the house. It was inevitable Allegra and I would fight eventually, but I was pissed she’d picked today.
I figured Tommy’s silver car would be waiting for us, but instead there was a powder-blue minivan idling at the end of the drive. A high-pitched squeal came from the car, the driver flashing the lights at the sight of us. Allegra screamed in return and took off running, wobbling on her high heels. When she reached the car, the driver tumbled out, and they jumped around in a circle, hugging each other. Allegra’s friend was tall and stick-thin, with limp blond hair growing in dark at the roots. Her eyes were outlined in black eyeliner, her lips painted a garish red.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” Allegra yelled. “I’ve missed you so much!”
“I know,” the girl she was hugging yelled back. It was a wonder they both weren’t deaf already. The girl glanced over at me. “Who’s that?” Her eyes raked me, head to toe.
Allegra waved a hand in my direction. “Oh, just my cousin, Lane.”
“Hi.” The blonde smirked, bumping her shoulder against Allegra’s. “I’m Kate.”
“We were best friends in school,” Allegra told me.
“Yeah, until you dropped out,” Kate accused.
“I didn’t drop out!”
“Dropped out, home-schooled. Same difference,” Kate said, laughing when Allegra gave her the finger.
“Are we going or what?” I asked.
“Get in the back,” Allegra said without looking at me. She climbed into the passenger seat. Kate and Allegra talked the entire way into town, both of them pretending I didn’t exist. I stared out the side window and tried not to care. I wanted to ask them where we were going, but refused to give them the satisfaction.
I expected a hidden-away bar catering to underage drinkers or someone’s old farmhouse, but we drove right into Osage Flats, took a left off Main, and pulled into a parking lot next to the town park. There were still a few families using the playground, which consisted of huge metal slides and a couple of rickety-looking swing sets. Through the deepening twilight, I could see a carousel nestled in the trees on the far side of the park and a small group of people milling around in front of it.
Kate and Allegra got out of the car without a word to me and took off across the grass, their arms intertwined. I followed behind, my heart rate speeding up when I recognized Cooper’s golden hair in the distance. I’d seen him a few times since the day we met, and it was always the same: sweaty palms, thundering heart, my eyes meeting his before skittering away, only to bounce right back again five seconds later.
“Hey, happy birthday!” Tommy said when we reached the carousel. He handed me a beer and folded me into a one-armed hug. A small, mousy-haired girl hovered behind him, but Tommy seemed oblivious to her presence, all his attention focused on Allegra.
“Thanks,” I said. Allegra was still ignoring me, giggling into Kate’s shoulder and batting her eyelashes at anyone who looked in her direction. “Does the carousel work?” I asked Tommy, pointing with the neck of my beer bottle.
“Oh, sure,” he said, tearing his eyes away from Allegra. “It’s only a nickel a ride. But it shuts down after dark. We’ll have to come back sometime during the day.”
I found a spot on a blanket someone had laid out in the grass and sat, content to watch the party unfold around me. The only people I knew were Tommy, Cooper, and Allegra, and I didn’t have much interest in meeting anyone new. My anger at Allegra buzzed under my skin, and I drank more than I should have, taking whatever was passed to me in outstretched hands and swallowing without question. It was the first time since coming to Roanoke that I felt homesick and alone.
For most of the night, Cooper and I never got within twenty feet of each other. But I knew where he was every second, my awareness of him nothing I could control. I watched Kate flirt with him, stroking his arm and tipping her face up to his, some of her lipstick migrated to her front teeth. I smiled into my beer bottle when he twisted away from her, left her standing there without a backward glance.
The night air was hot and still, fireflies blinking all over the park like tiny beacons. I looked up at the stars, so many more than back in New York, and the world spun. I lay back, closed my eyes, tried to anchor myself to the earth. When someone dropped down beside me, I didn’t open my eyes. I felt the brush of skin against my arm. The smell of motor oil and sweat, the cool scent of soap, one too many cigarettes burned my nose.
“Hey, Cooper,” I said, voice husky with alcohol and want.
“How drunk are you?” he asked with a little laugh.
“Pretty damn drunk,” I said, smiling.
“You’re sixteen now, need to learn how to hold your liquor.”
“I can handle it,” I said. “I’m not a baby.”
I turned my head, careful and slow, and opened my eyes. He was lying on his back next to me, looking up at the sky. His profile was flawless, the kind of face that would’ve been on a movie screen if he’d been born somewhere else, into a different kind of life. He shifted his head to look at me, our eyes meeting in the dark. “Nope,” he said. “Definitely not a baby.”
His hand brushed against mine, so feather-light it could have been a mistake. I stayed still, prayed he’d do it again. His fingers smoothed over my hand, spreading my fingers, sliding back and forth on the skin between. It felt dirtier and more dangerous than it should have, everything inside me turned hot and liquid. My eyes fluttered closed, my heart beating in my throat.
Allegra’s voice cut through the night, screaming and laughing, loud enough my arm jumped. Cooper moved his hand away, sat up, and I did the same, the world shifting back into hazy focus. “What the hell is she doing?” I asked. It was hard for me to form words, my lips numb and my body undone.
“Acting like a psycho,” Cooper said, his voice deeper than usual. He lit a cigarette and sucked hard on the filter.
Allegra stood on one of the carousel horses. A white one with a pink mane. She balanced on one foot, her high heels long gone. Tommy stood below her, hands lifted to her hips, whether to keep her from falling or just as an excuse to touch her, I couldn’t tell. “I’m queen of this whole town!” Allegra yelled. “I’m everyone’s favorite! I’m the best!” She laughed, but her face crumpled. She slid down sideways onto the horse’s back, landing on her butt. She wrapped her legs around Tommy’s waist, her hands knotted in his hair. I could hear her sobbing, Tommy’s voice soothing her as he rocked her body slowly.
Cooper sighed, tapped his ash onto the ground. “You know your family’s fucked up, right?” he asked. “Like, seriously screwed.”
I thought of my mother, the days she spent curled naked on the bathroom floor, her eyes glazed over. “Yeah,” I said. “I know.”
Cooper stared at me, reached ov
er and ran the backs of his fingers down my cheek. After he walked away, I could still feel him there, right between my thighs.
—
The next day Allegra came to my room before breakfast, slid between my sheets with a glass of ice water in her hand. “Here,” she said, voice raspy, “drink this. It’ll help your hangover.”
I pushed her hand away. “You probably need it more than me.” She’d ended the night passed out in Tommy’s backseat, and I’d dragged her upstairs after he dropped us off.
She curled some of my hair around her finger. “I’m sorry, Lane, really.” Her mouth twisted up, a tear trailing down her cheek. “I get stupid sometimes. I can’t help it. I’m such a bitch. I don’t even like Kate, she’s a complete loser.”
“Whatever,” I said. “It doesn’t matter to me.” I started to turn my back on her, but she grabbed my shoulder.
“No, wait, listen, please. It was hard…watching you get the attention at dinner. I know…I know…” She held up a hand as I started to speak.
“I guess that explains this,” I said, voice still tight. I flicked my fingers toward scratched into the leg of my bedside table.
“I did that before we left for the park,” Allegra said. “I know I acted dumb and selfish last night. I’ve wanted someone here with me forever, and I’m glad it’s you. But for a little while yesterday, I really wanted to bash your face in.” She wrinkled her nose. “Sorry.”
I stared at her and burst out laughing, brought my knees up to my chest and rolled a little side to side. “You are totally nuts.”
“I know, right?” She giggled. “Certifiable.” She sucked a piece of ice into her mouth and set the glass aside. “Do you forgive me?” she asked, the ice wedge tucked into her cheek.
“Yes,” I said, surprised to find I meant it. Already, I couldn’t stay angry with her for long.
Allegra smiled at me. She pushed the ice out of her mouth halfway, held it between her teeth, leaned over and ran it across my lips. I opened my mouth, and the ice slipped inside, cold from the glass, warm from her tongue.
“There,” she whispered, patting my lips with her fingers. “Now we’re sisters again.”
—
“Come on,” my granddad said. “I want to show you something.” It was still early morning, Gran and Allegra asleep inside the house and Charlie out back taking care of the eggs I’d brought up from the chicken coop. My stomach growled and my new boots were rubbing a raw spot at the back of one ankle, but I heaved out a sigh and followed him around the barn to a low wrought-iron fence surrounding a scraggly patch of grass. “You know what that is?” he asked.
“Um, yeah,” I said. “A cemetery. I see it every day.”
“Not just any cemetery,” Granddad said, unfazed by my sarcasm. He put a hand on the gate but didn’t open it. “The Roanokes are buried here.” He glanced at me, pointed to a gravestone in the far corner. “Your mama’s over there. Thought you might want to go pay your respects.”
I took a step back. “She is?” There hadn’t been a funeral in New York, and no one had told me what had happened to my mother’s body after she’d been whisked from the apartment on a sheet-covered stretcher. I’d never thought to ask.
“Of course she is,” Granddad said. “It’s not how I wanted her to come home. But at least she’s finally back at Roanoke.” He took his hand off the gate and cupped my cheek, the scent of iron lingering on his fingers. “And now we have you, Laney-girl. Makes me awful happy seeing your face every morning.”
Just as when he’d told me he loved me, his words warmed a space inside of me. But it wasn’t a comfortable kind of heat. It burned my stomach and throat like acid I had to expel. I jerked my head away from his hand. “I don’t think my mom would like being in there,” I said. “She hated this place.”
My granddad studied me. “You trying to hurt me?” he asked, as I squirmed under his gaze. I shrugged, kicking at the dirt with the pointed toe of my boot. “That’s not like you, Lane. What’s the trouble?”
I crossed my arms, kept my head down, remembering all the awful things I’d said to my mother near the end. “You don’t even know me.”
“I think I do,” Granddad said, voice gentle. His warm fingers closed around my chin and pulled my face up until our eyes met. “I don’t know how things were between you and your mama, although I’ve got a pretty good idea. But there is nothing you could ever, ever do that would make me stop loving you.” He eased his hand away. “You understand?”
I didn’t. I had no frame of reference for what he was telling me, no real belief that anyone had ever loved me, let alone that they’d never stop. “What if I kept saying horrible things to you?” I asked. “Unforgivable things?”
Granddad shook his head. “Ain’t no such thing. You’re a teenage girl, figure ugly’s gonna come out of your mouth more often than not. You should’ve heard some of the things your aunt Eleanor used to say to me. Lord Jesus, that girl had a mouth on her. But if she walked up this driveway today…” His eyes took on a wistful sheen, the smile he gave me tinged with sadness. “I’d welcome her back like none of it ever happened.”
“What if I broke the law?” I said, plowing on, not knowing how to believe him. Not knowing if I wanted to.
Granddad’s gaze was amused now, his eyes dancing. “That’s what lawyers are for.” He rested one hip against the wrought-iron gate. When I didn’t speak, he made a rolling motion with his hand. “Go on, let’s hear it all.”
I cast around for something that might push him over the edge. “What if I got knocked up?”
Granddad laughed. “Wouldn’t be the first time a teenage girl turned up pregnant around here.”
“What if I murdered someone?”
“I’d help you bury the body,” he said without missing a beat.
A giggle burst out of me, a sound I’d heard a thousand times from other girls but couldn’t remember ever having made myself. “What if I ran away?”
“I’d be waiting right here to hug you tight when you decided to come home.”
I raised my eyebrows, smirked in his direction. “What if I wrecked your truck?” I hadn’t missed the way he babied his truck, always keeping it clean and never letting Charlie drive it.
Granddad pushed away from the gate, threw both hands into the air. “Well now, that right there’s a deal breaker. Wreck that truck and it’s all over.” He reached out and tugged lightly on the end of my ponytail.
Another round of giggles bubbled up, and Granddad smiled, gave an exaggerated sniff of the air. “Is that bacon I smell?” he asked. “Lord knows we’d better hurry up and get in there before Sharon burns it.” He winked at me, and we walked back to the house side by side, his arm a welcome weight around my shoulders.
There’s a search for Allegra set for 10:00 A.M. in one of the fallow fields close to town. The location makes no sense to me, as if the police simply tacked a map of Osage Flats to a wall and threw darts at it randomly to determine points of interest. I already know it’s a waste of time, but it’s something to do that makes me feel like I’m doing something. If not bringing me one step closer to finding Allegra, at least proving I haven’t given up on her yet.
The day is hot, the sun white and blazing, burning through the stagnant air. There’s no good place to park, so I leave my car pulled over on the weedy verge, the driver’s side tires resting on the road. The only sound is the buzzing of insects, the hum of grasshoppers in the fields. If you wanted to hurt a woman, this would be as good a place as any, with only the wide, blank sky as witness.
About twenty people show up, and Tommy spreads us out in a line, tells us to walk shoulder to shoulder, eyes on the ground. He looks even more exhausted than the last time I saw him, the shadows under his eyes darkened from lavender to deep purple. “You should get some rest,” I tell him. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks,” he says with a strained smile.
“You know what I mean.”
I end up walking next
to a tall blond woman. Her body looks young, but her face is a horror show, all pockmarked skin and sunken eyes. “Hey,” she says, staring at me. “Aren’t you Allegra’s cousin?”
“Yes.” I look at her more closely, recognize the dyed hair and overzealous use of black eyeliner, her lipstick morphed from red to frosted pink. “Kate?”
“Yeah, Kate Levins. Man, it’s been ages.”
“Uh-huh.” I return my eyes to the ground. “You’re still friends with Allegra?”
There’s a pause. “Not really. Not for years.” When I shade my eyes with a hand and squint at her, she gives me a small smile. A few of her teeth are missing, the rest stained yellow. “We kind of drifted apart.”
“Why was that?”
“Oh, you know…life. For a long time, I thought it was your fault. After you came to Roanoke, Allegra didn’t care much about the rest of us.”
“That’s not true,” I say, but know I’m lying. From the beginning, Allegra clung to me, a manic burr attached to my side. I became a partner in all her teenage crimes. The other Roanoke girl—the only one who could potentially understand. It’s only now, looking back at that summer through the long lens of time, that I realize how desperately she needed me to read her clues and how I missed them all.
“I’m not mad,” Kate says. “I always knew Allegra and I weren’t going to be friends forever. I’m not an idiot. But it was fun while it lasted.” She stops to pick up a plastic grocery sack, crumples it in her fist to make sure it’s empty before letting the wind take it again. “You know, I always thought someday she’d marry Tommy and have one of those beautiful families you see in magazine ads, and I’d tell my kids, hey, I used to be friends with them.” She laughs. “Stupid, right?”
My eyes find Tommy, walking ahead of us. The back of his khaki uniform shirt is drenched with sweat and his shoulders hunch forward. Today he looks older than his years, defeated. “Not so stupid,” I say. “You have kids?”