by Amy Engel
To me, it might as well have been a love song.
—
Allegra had locked herself in her room, talking on the phone, which is how I ended up perched on a wooden ice cream freezer while Granddad turned the crank. We were outside, the overhang of the screened porch roof protecting us from the afternoon sun, but sweat still rolled off Granddad’s face as he worked. He took a quick break to wipe his forehead and noticed Charlie, who watched us from the barn doorway.
“I’d like to have that hole in the stall fixed today,” my granddad called, a hint of steel in his tone. He kept his gaze on Charlie until he moved inside the barn, then turned his attention back to me. “Careful now,” he said. “Make sure you keep the blanket underneath you. Otherwise your legs are gonna stick to the metal.”
I shifted, the cold seeping into my skin through the thin blanket he’d draped over the top of the barrel. “Why don’t you just buy ice cream?” I asked.
It seemed like a reasonable question, but Granddad looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “Wait until you taste this, girl, and you’ll never ask that question again.”
“What flavor is it?”
“My daddy’s creation,” Granddad said. “Pineapple, peach, and banana.” He glanced at me and laughed. “Don’t go making that face.”
“I don’t like fruit-flavored ice cream.”
“You’ll like this. Trust me.”
The screen door banged open behind us, and Allegra stepped out, her cell phone clenched in her hand. “Who were you talking to?” I asked.
Allegra rolled her eyes and huffed out a dramatic breath. “Kate. She’s all worked up over Cooper.”
Hearing his name was like a hot poker in my stomach, but I tried to sound unconcerned. “Why? What’s up with her and Cooper?”
“Nothing,” Allegra said. “That’s the problem.” She jabbed me in the shoulder. “And don’t gloat.”
“I’m not gloating,” I said, but I couldn’t keep the grin off my face. “What did you tell her?”
Allegra folded her arms and stared at me. “I told her she could do a lot better than Cooper Sullivan. Boys his age only want one thing. They don’t care about your mind. Or your heart.”
I laughed, until I realized Allegra wasn’t joining in, her face serious.
“You don’t think that’s true?” my granddad asked, and I swung my head in his direction.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, thinking of the way Cooper touched me. All the time, like he couldn’t get enough. But I was just as bad, practically stripping him naked as soon as he was within reach.
Granddad smiled at me, put one hand on my bare thigh. “Ain’t nothing wrong with it, Lane. It’s the way boys that age are made. All hormones. They can’t help themselves.”
“But we’re special,” Allegra cut in. “We deserve someone who’ll treat us better. Who won’t break our hearts.”
“That’s right,” Granddad said, smiling at Allegra now. “Boys like Cooper don’t understand what a gift you girls are. What a prize.” He squeezed my thigh gently as he spoke. “Remember what I’m telling you, Laney-girl. And if that Sullivan boy ever hurts you, I got no problem kicking his ass.”
“Cooper’s kicked an ass or two in his time, too,” I said, irritated for no good reason.
Granddad blew out a slow breath between pursed lips. “I’ve been throwing punches since before that boy was born. And let me tell you, he hurts one of my girls, he’s going to be a sorry son of a bitch.”
“You can’t go around beating up boys every time they do something Allegra or I don’t like!”
“The hell I can’t.”
“This is stupid,” I said, throwing up my hands. “Cooper didn’t even do anything to me.”
“And I’m trying to keep it that way,” Granddad said, voice serious. After a lifetime of relying only on myself, believing in someone else felt nearly impossible. But the look in his eyes, as if I were the most precious thing he’d ever seen, made me want to try, to give in a little and trust that maybe he wouldn’t let me down.
“Okay,” I said quietly, and Granddad smiled, his gaze pinned on me. Warmth flooded my body even as cold from the ice cream freezer settled into my skin.
“What are you doing?” Allegra demanded. I’d almost forgotten she was there. She jabbed me in the shoulder again to get my attention. Harder this time.
“She’s helping me make ice cream,” Granddad said, voice mild.
“That’s my job!”
“You were busy, so I asked Lane.”
“Well, I’m here now,” Allegra said. “Get up.”
I started to move, but Granddad’s hold on my thigh tightened, his pinkie slipping under the edge of my jean shorts. “Nope,” he said, looking up at Allegra. “You can help next time. This time is Lane’s turn.”
Allegra stood there for a minute, her gaze shifting between Granddad and me. Her mouth pulled into a scowl, but I could see the flare of hurt in her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “I didn’t want to help with your stupid fucking ice cream anyway.” She stormed into the house, slamming the screen door behind her.
Granddad went back to churning the ice cream like nothing had happened, still using one hand on my thigh for leverage. “She’s going to hate me now,” I said with a sigh.
Granddad laughed. “She will, but not for long. Allegra has moods. But they never last. Can’t take ’em personally. Gotta ride ’em out.”
I thought of the way Allegra sometimes looked at me after Granddad and I had been working in the barn or when Gran offered to braid my hair. “I think there’s times she wishes I hadn’t come to live here.”
“No,” Granddad said. “That’s not true. Never seen her so excited as when we found out you were coming to stay. Girl near about worked herself into a fit waiting for you.” He stopped cranking and took his hand off my leg, sat back on his heels. “But Allegra’s been the center of the universe her whole life. Sharing the spotlight doesn’t come natural to her, but she’ll learn.” He stood and held out his hand for mine. “Now get on up from there. You’re in for a treat.”
I hopped off the freezer and watched as Granddad lifted the metal tube from its bed of crushed ice and rock salt. He winked at me as he twisted the lid off, motioned for me to dig in.
I laughed. “I don’t have a spoon.”
“Hell, girl, you don’t need a spoon. Not for the first bite.” He dipped his index finger into the ice cream and lifted a giant glob to my mouth. I hesitated only a second before licking the ice cream off his finger. It was delicious, just as he’d promised. Rich and freezing cold, the flavors bursting on my tongue. It tasted nothing like ice cream from a grocery store carton.
“See?” Granddad said, eyes gleaming. “What did I tell you?” He grabbed a lock of my hair between his thumb and forefinger, gave it a gentle pull. It had become his signature move with me, tugging on a loose piece of my hair or the end of my ponytail. With Allegra it was smoothing her eyebrow with his index finger. Funny how such a simple gesture had the power to make me feel so special. I wondered sometimes if he’d done something similar with my mother, but so far I hadn’t asked. I didn’t want to know if it was the same. I wanted a ritual that belonged to only me.
—
I’d been collapsed on Cooper’s body for at least ten minutes, our naked, sweaty skin stuck together, but I didn’t want to move. I liked the feel of his hand sweeping up and down the length of my spine, the smell of his skin under my nose. “Am I getting heavy?” I whispered.
“Nope,” he whispered back, nuzzling the side of my neck and making me smile.
We were in his bedroom, the first time we’d had sex in an actual bed. His dad was working all day at the garage, and Holly and his mom had gone to Parsons to do a little shopping. I rolled off him, sighing when cooler air hit my overheated chest and stomach.
“I may not be heavy, but we’re about to drown in sweat.” I turned onto my side and propped my head up with one hand to look at him. Occasionally
I wondered if staring at him would ever get old. “What would we do if your dad came home early?” I asked with a grin.
Cooper’s eyes traveled down the length of me before meandering back up. “Getting dressed might be step number one.” He rolled toward me, ducked his head, and dropped an openmouthed kiss on my breast.
“Cooper…” I breathed. “We were supposed to meet Tommy and Allegra at the pool an hour ago.”
“So?” His mouth moved lower. “You really want to spend all afternoon at the pool?”
I didn’t. I hated the pool. I preferred the swimming hole any day of the week. The town pool was small and always crowded, bodies stuffed into the marginally clean water and smashed together on the concrete, wet towels overlapping. So many people you couldn’t cool off, even in the water, and the whole place stunk of rank sweat and a lethal dose of chlorine. I’d only been twice, but both times it had closed early after some kid puked in the water. I didn’t think Allegra liked it, either, but she’d ordered a new bikini and wanted to show it off to as many admirers as possible.
“Not really,” I admitted. “I swear, last week I saw Mike Tucker and some girl fucking in the deep end. Little kids swimming right next to them.”
Cooper snorted, his mouth still drifting steadily downward. “That explains what I saw floating in the water. Mike’s spooge.”
“Oh, gross.” I laughed. “Now it’s official, I’m never getting in that pool again.”
Cooper wedged himself between my thighs, rested his head on my stomach. “We can go, if you really want to. Allegra’ll probably flip her shit if we don’t show up at all.”
I raked my hand through his hair. “I don’t care. Screw her.” Allegra was still mad at me for helping Granddad make the ice cream, so I wasn’t too worried about pleasing her. And I liked being alone with Cooper, the two of us tangled in his soft sheets.
“Yeah?” He shifted his head and pressed his chin into my belly button.
“Yeah,” I said, squirming. “Let’s stay here.”
Cooper grunted his agreement and settled his head back on my stomach. My gaze drifted around the room, drinking it in. I hadn’t gotten much of a look earlier, when Cooper had crowded me through the doorway, pushed me back onto his bed. From what I’d seen, his small, shabby house had been about what I’d expected, but his room surprised me. It was uncluttered and mature in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on, no posters of half-naked girls or muscle cars, no piles of dirty clothes or empty beer cans. Just a single black-and-white print of a forest above his double bed, clean white blinds, and a scuffed red toolbox against the wall. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cooper following my gaze.
“Can’t leave it in the truck,” he said. “Dumb asses try and steal tools.”
I nodded. “Do you want to be a mechanic? Like your dad?”
Cooper looked up from where he was drawing circles around my belly button with his index finger. “Not really,” he said. “But I’m good at it. It’s steady work. Everybody’s car craps out from time to time, right? What the hell else am I going to do?”
For the first time it occurred to me maybe Cooper wasn’t as okay with following in his father’s footsteps as he always seemed to be. Maybe Allegra’s constant digs about taking over the garage were hitting a tender spot, exactly as she intended.
I ran my hands up his arms to his shoulders, shifting my body lower. “Right,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean you have—”
Cooper was shaking his head before I even finished my sentence. “Not everybody has the choices you have, Lane. Not all of us are Roanokes.” His voice wasn’t bitter or bored, the way it was when he talked to Allegra about this subject, only resigned.
“But maybe you could go to junior college or something?” I said, knowing how stupid and pointless it sounded from the look on his face. Before my mother died and I’d come to Roanoke, my chances of doing anything after high school beyond some shit job had been exactly like Cooper’s. I knew well the painful futility of reaching for more than you were ever likely to get, how much easier it was to simply accept the limits of your world.
“That’s for Holly,” Cooper said. “College. She’s got four more years and then she’s getting out of here. I’m already saving so she can go.”
“You’re doing that for her?” I asked. Cooper, who smoked and drank too much, who picked fights and acted like he didn’t give a shit about anything, giving his future away to his little sister. Something inside my chest cracked open.
Cooper nodded, crawled up my body. “Now stop talking. We’re wasting a perfectly good bed.”
He slid into me without preamble, and I arched my back, hissing a breath through my teeth.
“Too much?” he asked, even as his hips snapped forward.
I shook my head, tightened my arms around him. He stared down at me, and suddenly it was too much. I felt the urge to lash out, claw and bite, desperate to escape. Fear pounded through me, nipping right on the heels of pleasure. I closed my eyes and turned my face away.
I’m heading into town to see about catching Cooper for a late lunch when Sharon calls to me from the screened porch. She’s standing on the back step, holding out something in her hand.
“Yeah?” I ask.
“If you’re going into town, can you drop these off?” She shakes the object in her hand but doesn’t move from the step. Waiting for me to come to her. Typical.
“What am I dropping off?”
Sharon sighs. “Sunglasses. That wife of Tommy’s left them on the front porch when she visited Allegra. I’ve been meaning to give them back but keep forgetting.”
My steps falter to a stop. “What? When was Sarah out here?”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake.” Sharon marches across the dusty backyard and slaps the sunglasses into my hand. Tacky white and cheap, probably purchased from the revolving rack at the five-and-dime. “It was a few days before Allegra went missing, I’d guess.”
“What did she want?”
“I have no earthly idea. She didn’t stay long and never came inside the house, as far as I know.” Sharon cocks her head at me. “You taking them or not?”
“Yeah,” I say, voice slow like I’m just waking up. “I’ll give them to her.”
—
Tommy’s front door is adorned with exactly the kind of wreath I’d expect. Fake flowers ringing a jaunty hand-painted wooden Welcome sign. Judging from the way Sarah’s face falls when she sees me, she’s forgotten the message on her own front door.
“Oh, hi, Lane,” she says, glancing behind her as if the empty house will save her from having to invite me in. “What are you doing here?”
“Thought I’d stop by.” I give her my friendliest smile. “It gets a little lonely out at Roanoke.” I pull open the screen door without waiting for her to ask, and Sarah’s too polite to do anything but stand back, gesture me into her home.
The front door leads directly into the small living room. Lots of knickknacks, cheap throw pillows, walls overstuffed with sterile, mass-produced “art.” Vacuum marks crisscross the beige carpet, not a speck of dust in sight. The air reeks of potpourri overlaid with the smell of roasting meat, and late afternoon sunlight beams in through gleaming windows. The entire scene smacks of trying too hard. I’m guessing Sarah’s the type of woman who would rather die than let Tommy catch sight of a used tampon in the trash, who runs to brush her teeth when she hears his car in the drive, changes her outfit an hour before he’s due home. She must be so tired. The saddest part is, if she really knew Tommy, she’d know he doesn’t care about any of this. Allegra is a mess, in every sense of the word, and Tommy adores her. Sarah probably thinks being perfect is the only way she can compete. And it will never be enough.
“Can I get you something to drink?” she asks. “Lemonade? A soda?” She’s wearing the hideous floral print dress she found the day we were both at the secondhand shop, and it doesn’t fit quite right, too loose in the boobs, too tight in the butt—a lethal combinati
on. She yanks at it with one hand as she walks.
“Lemonade’s fine,” I say, following her into the kitchen. There’s a pie cooling on the counter next to a steaming Crock-Pot. Tommy’s going to get fat if he’s not careful. Sarah pulls a pink glass tumbler from the shelf, reaches into the fridge for a pitcher of lemonade.
“Oh yeah,” I say, when her back is turned. “I have your sunglasses, too. The ones you left out at Roanoke.”
Sarah’s entire body stiffens, but I have to hand it to her, she keeps on pouring the lemonade without spilling a drop. When she passes me my glass, I hold out the sunglasses. “Thanks,” she says, without meeting my eyes. “I’ve been looking for those.” She takes them from me and places them carefully on the counter.
“When did you find out Tommy and Allegra were screwing?” I ask. “Right before she disappeared?” I take a sip of lemonade and tilt the glass in Sarah’s direction. “Good stuff.”
A bright pink blush climbs up Sarah’s neck into her cheeks. She rubs both hands down the sides of her dress like she’s trying to dry her palms. “He told you?” She releases a sad little laugh. “He hasn’t even told me.”
“He doesn’t think you know.”
“Of course I know.” Sarah sags back against the counter. “How could I not know? He barely looked at me for an entire month. Didn’t eat. Stayed up all hours. He kept his phone with him even when he went into the bathroom.” She shakes her head. “I’m not stupid.”
“That’s what I told him.” I set my glass down on the tiny kitchen table. “So why did you talk to Allegra about it instead of talking to Tommy?”
Sarah looks away. “I thought maybe I could convince her to let him go.”
“Could you?” I ask, but it’s only a formality. It wouldn’t have mattered if Allegra didn’t want Tommy, she never would have given him up on Sarah’s say-so.