by Bart Tuma
The ladies made sure the food stayed fresh and warmed by the oven in the back room. They would talk about their kids and craft projects and hopes for a vacation and throw in a little gossip. But they would never talk about their husbands. It simply was bad taste to talk about the husbands or the state of one’s marriage, good or bad.
Mary would quickly examine the room once she entered. She had a purpose here more than the food or the dance. Mary never did remember if the music was good or the dancing skillful. She just remembered looking for Henry. It was at these dances that she first met Henry. She loved to dance and although she was only fifteen, and much too young to date according to her folks, she wasn’t too young to dance with a handsome young man with jet-black hair. They would dance maybe two dances; the others their age staring, and then they would retreat to their place. There was a stage at the front of the hall where the caller and musicians would play. The side curtains provided a barrier for young people to talk.
They did nothing but talk, but when she returned to the farm she would treasure every word that Henry had said. The curtains around them drawn close together creating their own little cubby hole within. Here, the rest of the world didn’t exist. They would spend part of the evening with their other friends, but they cherished that time alone. Their companionship sheltered them both. It was here that Henry shared his life with Christ and here that Mary responded. It was here that their closeness began to develop. Years later, their life would continue with the same sense of closeness and self-sufficiency, relying on the Lord and each other while still having the ability to not close themselves off from the need of others.
Over the years, it was amazing to see the Cooper’s love for each other. It was as solid and unmoving as the land itself. The simple life of the farm made it easy to rely on each other, but at the same time they never allowed the troubles of the farm to enter their marriage.
They were childless, not by design, but by nature. It was to this comfortable nest that Erik was brought that fateful evening. Mary worried at times, and especially this evening as she thought back over the past, that Henry’s and her closeness had not allowed Erik room in their lives. They had tried as best they could, but they had been married twenty-one years when Erik moved to their house. Maybe they hadn’t realized it and had shut Erik out, no matter how hard they tried. Guilt is a terrible thing, especially when it is unjustified. That evening guilt was tearing at Mary as she remembered the nightmares of Jimmie and worried that maybe she hadn’t done enough to prevent Erik’s nightmares.
She didn’t know. She could only pray and hope she had done enough, and pray some more. But none of this allowed her to sleep that night. Finally, in the morning hours, she gave up and walked to the kitchen and started the coffee pot. As she opened the drawer to pull out a spoon she noticed a worn corner of the metal cabinets. They had installed metal cabinets in the farmhouse because they were told they would last forever. However, the porcelain had flaked off years ago and the cabinet showed its age. Mary also felt her age, but at the same time she remembered how often she had gone through the same morning routine. There were days that started with joy and anticipation. There were days that started after sleepless nights worrying about the crops or some other crisis. Each day brought its own chores to be done, farm tasks to be completed and sometimes tragedies to face.
As she looked at that worn edged she smiled. No matter what the day brought, she still went on. Her life might seem like that worn edge from day to day, but there had never been a time that the Lord hadn’t been faithful. Even as that old drawer opened each time it was pulled, Christ would open a way, and she needed to remember that. Every time to this date that her life had been filled with fear, He had sheltered them. She knew He would be true even today. She knew the same could be true for Erik. And she waited for Erik to come to breakfast
When Erik went into the main house at 6:30 a.m., he smelled the coffee that meant Aunt Mary was already up. She urged him to go back and sleep longer. “The fields can wait. Take a couple of days and just relax.” Erik made some feeble excuses that the work had to be done and it was his job. His only reaction to the turmoil of the last thirty-six hours was to go back to what was most familiar: the tractor and its endless laps around the stripes of fields. He knew he was going to the fields today not for the work, but the chance to sort things out in his mind.
It was unusual, but he didn’t see his uncle at the breakfast table. He didn’t know if his uncle was hurt, angry or ashamed. Erik didn’t quiz his aunt nor did he add further conversation. He simply ate the pancakes and bacon and headed for the fields. His aunt watched him go, silently praying that his lack of conversation was not a sign that Erik had once again retreated away into his isolation.
Erik went through the regular routine of preparing the John Deere for the day’s labor. He filled it with diesel from the large pump tank. He greased the plow and checked the dual tires by bouncing a hammer off their treads, inspecting them to make sure no rocks had become lodged between them. But this routine was done without thinking. He worked as a machine doing its task. It was only when the tractor started and the plow was plunged into the soil that Erik began to think.
In the past he would have taken this opportunity to escape to his dreams. Today he could only think of the reality of the last two days. There was something about the deafening roar of the tractor and the taste of dust in his mouth along with the routine of endless circles in the field that made his mind clearer. As much as he hated the work, it was on the tractor that he could try to make sense out of the last few days.
His uncle had said that the state had asked for money for funeral expenses. He wondered if the Coopers had sent money or if his mom had been buried in a cheap box in a pauper’s grave. He thought it was almost a peculiar speculation. Certainly she had never cared nor given anything to anyone else. Why should the Coopers send money? They had supported her child for years, wasn’t that enough? Still, it was a question that came to him, and a question he knew he would never ask. This was a woman who had cared for no one, but this woman was still his mother. He hoped she had been buried right.
The questions he asked himself allowed Erik to know that he had changed in a short period of time. In the past, he would not even have acknowledged his mother’s existence, let alone worry about how she was buried. He knew something was different. It was ironic that the difference of caring meant a renewed sense of abandonment and betrayal. When he had talked with John in the diner, it all seemed so simple. Love God and your neighbor. God forgave you so you needed to forgive others. That reality seemed so simple and easy as they talked just a day ago. Now he had just gotten hit with the cold reality of how difficult it could be to forgive.
He then thought of his uncle. He found it impossible to be bitter towards him. His uncle hadn’t done anything wrong, no matter how hard Erik tried to find fault. His uncle was right. What good would it have done to tell Erik years ago? Erik had never expressed any interest in his mother, had never asked of her. He realized that his uncle could have thought it would drive Erik away even further. He also realized his uncle hadn’t caused his mom to be a druggie. He was just the person that got the death certificate. What was he supposed to do?
Erik felt ashamed of himself that he had responded so bitterly towards them last night. He wished his uncle had been at breakfast, but he also knew he needed time. The Coopers had done so much for him and had tried so hard. They had made mistakes, but the mistakes were never out of spite or anger or lack of caring.They had never had kids themselves and Erik knew he wasn’t exactly the easiest person to parent.
On the way home from the diner he had known that he had to reach out to the Coopers. Then within hours he had slipped back into his old shell. Again, that which had seemed so clear and so simple was going to be harder to live than he anticipated. Just as he knew there had been a change within him as he thought of his mother, he knew he had to also change from his old habits. His habit wasn’t booze,
like the winos that worked during the harvest season, or like his dad, for that matter. His habit was cutting himself off from people. He knew now he could no longer be a loner that needed no one. Again the simple reality was that he needed to love God and people. It was the people who had abandoned him so many times in the past that would make that task difficult.
He had told the Coopers that he needed to forgive his parents. He knew he had to first ask the Coopers for their forgiveness. Forgiveness was needed for all the years he had been rude to them, including last night. It had been a shock that he couldn’t go to his one remaining parent, but the Coopers were only a couple of hundred feet from his bunkhouse. Maybe it was easier to think of forgiving parents that weren’t close. It was harder to look the Coopers in the eyes because of all that had transpired.
His mind thought of the past day and then the long process it would take to really make the changes necessary. He then thought of the farm and the harvest. He hated the first day of the harvest season. It meant for the next three weeks the only thing he would be doing is work and sweat. Each year when they pulled the combine into the first field it seemed as if the harvest would never be done. But unless the harvest was started there would be no hope for its completion. It was only the completion of the harvest that meant all the months of labor had really been worth it. As he looked at his life, he knew a lot had to be done, and it wouldn’t be as simple as it seemed when talking with John. He also realized it was only by accepting and relying on Christ that he could begin the harvest of making his life different. Christ had planted the seed and tilled the ground; now Erik was going to have to complete the harvest by determining to get into the fields of change.
Even as he thought through this reality, the pain was still sharp. He still couldn’t overlook another example of people leaving him. He couldn’t think of an example of any person loving him without having him dropped on them. He wanted to be a son with a family, even more so after his talk with John. He had determined it in his mind to be part of a real family. Somehow, he had expected that he would find his mother and everything would be magically different. All the years of pain and hurt would be gone, swept away by a new beginning. Now he knew that had only been another dream. His only option, he concluded, was to have a family of his own and raise his own son. Certainly in Fairfield there was no woman that would take him. Certainly the thought of his own family was as distant as the changes he needed to make.
About noon he saw a car coming up the dirt road to the fields. On the plains the dust made thrown up by a passing vehicle made its approach visible long before the car actually made appearance. When he could finally see the car, it was one that Erik couldn’t identify. It was a late model car that wasn’t suited for the dirt or ruts of the field road, but it was obvious it was making its way to Erik. There was nowhere else to go in this land. As Erik drove the tractor down the hill after another circle of the field, he saw the car door open and John stepped out. He had something in his hands. Erik was both glad and hesitant to see him.
Erik pushed the throttle to stop the John Deere and opened the side window of the tractor’s cab. “John, what are you doing out here? That’s an awful fancy car for the fields. A rock will put a hole in your oil pan.”
“Your aunt made a casserole and I brought you a dishful. She thought you might like that more than your bologna sandwich. I also have some cold pop.”
“That’s nice of you, but it’s a long ways from Fairfield to be an errand boy,” Erik replied, but he knew the food was secondary to John’s visit.
“I found myself in the area today. Thought I would stop in and visit. Your aunt and uncle are concerned about you,” John leveled with him. “They love you a lot and they asked if I would talk to you. I understand it was a hard night last night.”
Erik looked away. “Yeah, it was,” he admitted. “There are some things I need to think over.”
“Well, why don’t you climb off that tractor and get into this food before it’s totally cold. It has to be cooler inside my car than inside the tractor.”
Erik hesitated. He was reluctant to leave the sanctuary of his tractor. The tractor was his territory and made any real conversation impossible through a half-opened window. He considered a moment, and then gave in, climbing down the tractor rungs and into the Buick. John handed him a plate after removing the tin foil cover and opened a can of 7-Up.
As Erik took several mouthfuls of casserole without acknowledging him, John broke the silence. “Your uncle told me what happened,” he began. “I’m sorry.”
“You better watch saying you’re sorry,” Erik said around a mouthful of food. “Someone might believe you.” He regretted his words as soon as he said them, but today he was going to be much more guarded than he had been yesterday. Still, the remark’s rudeness was too obvious. Moments before on the tractor he had determined to trust that the Lord would make a change in his life. Now as soon as he saw John, he was rude, insulting even. It seemed as if he was climbing a hill of loose shale rock. As soon as he tried to take two steps forward with change he quickly slid back a step to old habits. He had done the same thing the night before with the Coopers.
John refused to be rebuffed. “I hope you do believe me. Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked.
“I wish you could help. I don’t even know how to feel, let alone what to ask for. Do you think you could give me a mom or a dad?”
“I think you know the answer to that, but I do know this is an important point in your life. A lot has happened in a short time. Don’t let bitterness drown out the joy I saw in you just yesterday.”
“But yesterday things seemed so simple,” Erik said. “God loved me and had come to me. Now I know there were lies I didn’t even know about. Maybe His love was just a fantasy and He will leave me just like my mom and dad did.”
“First of all, Erik, you need to know that people will disappoint you and won’t always be there when you need them, but Jesus isn’t like that. He is constant. His love is constant. Even before you knew Him, He knew you and loved you and He will love you forever,” John said.
“If He knew me and loved me before, how could He let all this happen? How could He have let my parents get so messed up? Why didn’t He keep them alive until I had a chance to talk with them and explain how much I needed them?” Erik asked.
“God allows free will, Erik. It was your parents’ choice to live like they did. It wasn’t God’s choice but He won’t force anyone to do anything.
“The second thing you need to remember is that none of this changes the way He thinks of you. He loved you and chose you and He called you by name. I know you feel your parents abandoned you, and I guess they did. He won’t.”
“But I thought you said that all I needed to do was love God with my whole heart and people the same way and everything would be okay. Nothing feels okay right now. I’ve even hurt the Coopers again. They’re people who don’t deserve what I gave them last night.”
“No, they don’t deserve to be hurt,” John shook his head, “and neither do you. But they understand you’re hurting. That’s why they asked me to talk with you when I showed up. They care about you.
“I did say that all you needed to do was love God and your neighbor. I never said that would mean you would never face problems.” He gave a low sigh before continuing. “Look at Jesus’ life and the life of His family. An angel comes to Mary when she’s pregnant and says her child will be the Messiah. What a great moment as she realizes that God is entrusting her and Joseph with the promised King. Then after the birth they have to run to Egypt to escape death and it ends with Mary seeing her son die on the cross. Somehow, I don’t think they expected things to go that way. But it was God’s route that the prophets had predicted for centuries, and by those events happening, God’s plan could be completed.
“Jesus’ life wasn’t easy and neither was His family’s, but it was victorious through all the turmoil. He lived it to experience the same pain we all
feel and then He died on the cross to be a sacrifice for us. His Easter shows that anything can be overcome, even death, through Him. The pain you’re feeling now doesn’t mean God doesn’t love you. It means you need to continue to go to Him because without Him you are alone. You’re a needy person, as we all are. What we need—who we need, who we all need, is Christ”
At first Erik didn’t have any response. They both sat in silence. Finally, Erik broke the silence with another question.
“You know, John, I don’t even know how to feel or how I should act. I don’t know if it’s wrong for me to feel hurt. Like maybe I’m saying God isn’t good enough for me. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Erik said.
John’s said, “I can’t tell you what to do, but whatever you do, be honest. Be honest with God. You should cry if you have to cry. Yell at God if you have to let Him know how you feel. He can take it. Tell Him you don’t think it’s fair, but don’t turn your back on Him and yourself and go back into your shell. God can handle your complaints ‘cause He has felt abandoned just as you have. Just don’t turn your back on Him and quit believing He loves you.
“Really, Erik, it’s a simple decision we face every day. You can believe that He loves you and has come to help you or you can choose to turn your back and tackle the world by yourself. You can’t have it both ways. But no matter how much you hurt, you need Him to lead you out of the hurt.
“Let me read you something,” John, said as he reached for a worn Bible wedged between the car seats. “I told you to go to the Bible for answers. This is the prayer that Jesus prayed for us right before He faced the cross: