by Bart Tuma
“Have you tried saying anything? Maybe they think it’s your turn to talk since you’re making all the decisions,” John said.
“I guess I haven’t come right out and asked their opinion,” Erik confessed, “but I need to go, and I need to know they know it’s not because of them.”
“Sounds like they could easily feel you’re leaving is because of them. I mean, Erik, you’re not the best for sharing gratitude, or anything else, for that matter.”
“I know that, but it’s something I have to do. I have to have my own life away from this place. I’ve felt that way for years and no matter how hard I try to make this place home, it’s not. It’s a place where I was left, not a place I chose. Can’t you talk to them for me?” Erik pleaded.
“No, Erik, don’t come and ask me to solve this. You’ve lived with the Coopers all your life, and they know you a lot better than me. They’ve got a lot more at stake in this relationship. I’m not going to be a guru when the only people who can answer you are with you every day. This is your decision. It’s up to you, not me, to talk to them and then maybe even listen to them, not me.”
“John, don’t start lecturing me unless you realize what this means to me. It’s my first real chance to leave Fairfield and make something out of my life.”
“I’m not lecturing you, Erik, but you need to realize that what you do affects other people. Those people love you. Maybe it’s hard to accept their love, but they love you, nonetheless. It seems like they have earned the right to at least know what you’re thinking and for you to ask their advice. I know they aren’t your parents by blood, but they have given their lives to you.”
“You’re right,” Erik couldn’t deny John’s words. “I guess I have been wrapped up in myself … again. But it’s not just the thought of leaving Fairfield,” he added. “So far I really haven’t done anything with my life. All I’ve done is work on a farm with a job that was given to me. All my life I’ve had dreams of what I could do and what I’d become, and so far those dreams have just kept slipping away. I thought I would go to college to play football, and that slipped away. I thought I’d get married, but who would want an old deadbeat like me? I thought I would find my mom but that was a dream too.
“I need to start making my life. I need to go someplace on my own, and have a try at the world myself away from the farm and Fairfield. It’s a big world out there and all I’ve seen are dirt strips and a little farm town.”
“I’ll buy that, Erik, but don’t expect to find something out there if you haven’t found it here. Your surroundings might change, but you’re still you. People are pretty much the same no matter where you go. Don’t think that merely moving will answer all your problems. Problems also travel. It might be even harder because you’re going to have to meet new people and establish new relationships. You have to admit that’s not exactly one of your strengths,” John added gently.
“I know the Coopers are worried that you’ll leave yourself completely alone in Havre,” he continued. “Frankly, I worry about the same thing. Even if you don’t always know it, you have people here in Fairfield. It’s not healthy for you, yourself, or your relationship with Christ to cut yourself off from people.”
“I know that,” Erik said in his defense. “It’s just that in Havre it might be easier. People don’t know my past. I can just be Erik, not Erik the orphan. It’ll give me a chance to start over. You know as well as I do that Fairfield just doesn’t let people change. Everybody knows everything and I’ve heard what they have to say about me.”
“That’s true. I know about Fairfield, but I also know about you, Erik. You’re too used to being in your own little world. Do you think you can make new friends and be part of a church or Bible study like you have here? That’s going to be crucial if you want to follow Christ. The example He gave by His life was not to become a monk on a mountain who separated Himself from the people. He walked with the people and He told us to be with the people to tell them about Him. I know you have a great one-on-one relationship with Christ, but you also know that isn’t all we’re called to do.”
“I know that, and it’s not like I haven’t tried and haven’t prayed about it. I remember coming back from Chief Mountain. I told you about that day. I was convinced that I would try and that Christ would heal me so I could be part of Fairfield. It just didn’t happen. Oh, for a while it was fine, but after awhile it seemed like that conviction was as far away as that mountain. You know there was Laura…,” he trailed off, his eyes taking on a distant look for a brief second. Then he continued, “Then I tried with Laurie. She’s a great girl, but it just didn’t work out, and it hurt when it didn’t. And then people talked. I know they did. Then it was just easier to stay on the farm. I thought God would change all that and make it easier, but it just wasn’t. I wish He would’ve made it easier, but it just wasn’t,” Erik repeated. He hesitated adding anything further.
“You know Christ has changed you,” John saw that hesitation. “He has softened your heart and allowed you new life. At the same time God is not in the business of taking a paintbrush and repainting your life so everything has white picket fences and beautiful smiles. He gives you the brush and the strength and the paint of a new life. Then you have to take what ability He gave you and you make the difference. Before Him, you had no option but to live in your own little world, but with Him, you can make things different. He gives the strength and the paint of His life, and you apply it to your world.”
“You make everything sound so simple.”
“As you said, Erik, you and I both know it’s not that easy, but it is that simple. You have to decide if you want to carry it out in your life. That’s the hard part because for years you haven’t lived that way and it’s easy to fall back into old habits. But you can make that decision, just as you made the decision to follow Christ. It really doesn’t come down to if you’re a shy person or if you like being around people or not. It’s how you view your life with Christ. Has He made you new? Does He protect you so you don’t have to protect yourself from what people might say or do? Is He a big enough God that He can make things worth living even here in Fairfield? Again if He can’t here, I really doubt He can in Havre, and you’re only going to be disappointed again thinking your dreams have been dashed.”
“Of course, you’re right,” Erik sighed. “But what else is new. It seems as if you’re always right, John. But there is one thing I don’t think you realize. I feel that this move is more than my decision. You knew me when I first became a Christian. I wanted nothing more than to get out of this place, but there was no way I could. Sure I could have packed my car and left, but I just was too scared to leave. I think God has given me the strength, and now has opened a door to leave. At first I thought the trailer house was an excuse to leave, but now I think it was a way God used to wake me up. I think He knows it’s time for me to go. I’ve never felt so good about anything in my life.
“This means a whole new life for me. I’ll have possibilities I don’t even know of yet. You might think that I’m just a loner and don’t like people, but that’s really not me. Hey, I’m twenty-four and I’m single. I can’t spend the rest of my life just living on a farm staring at walls every night. The walls of a trailer house aren’t much different from the walls of a bunkhouse. I want a family, and kids to father like I was never fathered. I want a house with a big lawn and maybe a dog and a boat. I don’t think God would want to deny me that, and I think He wants to start that part of my life.”
“Fantastic, Erik. If you feel God is the author of this move, I certainly won’t disagree. You know what the Bible says. Wisdom from above is first pure, peaceful and full of reason. If you are at peace with this, and if it makes sense, I’m all for it. But still use your mind and don’t think God will just do it all. Check out the school to see if there will be jobs after you finish school. Check out if you have enough money to get by, or if it would be better to get a longer degree. This has to be more than a pipe d
ream that you give up on if it gets hard. If it’s of God, you need to be willing to stick it out.
“At the same time do something for me. Don’t cut the Coopers out of this move. Tell them what you’re telling me. Ask for their advice and let them help. They’ve helped you when your were smart enough to ask for help. Don’t cut them off now. Let them know that you still need them, and that you always will. You owe that to them. That can be a start for you if you decide to let Christ help paint a new life for you. You’ve cut them out of your life too much. It’s nonsense to be able to tell me so much, and not be able to confide with those closest to you. It’s maybe natural, but it’s still nonsense.”
“Yeah, I’ll talk with them,” Erik’s tone was not negative because he was reluctant, but because he knew he was guilty for waiting this long to do it. Still, he was too excited about what the future held to not tell the Coopers. John was right. He owed them that. Finally all those things he had dreamed about for years now had the possibility of actually happening. This was not just a dream. It was a plan with a purpose and, hopefully, a happy ending.
“Yes, the Lord is faithful and He is good, and has done so much for me. He gave me strength when I didn’t even know it, and now it is time to put it into practice.” Erik’s hand slapped the side of his jeans to brush off the dirt. The jeans had been dirty all day, but he only noticed the dirt as he rose to leave.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Erik picked the Friday evening meal to have his talk with the Coopers. That meal was the most relaxed of the week, but at this point no one was relaxed.. His plans had progressed to a point that he could taste the reality of the move. His excitement overshadowed any nerves. Besides, he had made the decision to view things differently. He had decided to attempt to at least try something new and openly talk about his feelings. If he could talk to John he owed it to the Cooper’s to be upfront with them. The Coopers certainly weren’t scary or judgmental people.
“What do you think about me going to school in Havre?” Erik knew of no other way to start the conversation than to get to the point.
“I thought it was kind of a past topic,” Mary answered. “What is there to think since you’ve already made up your mind?”
Erik was surprised, but prepared for the question. He had thought many times of the answer. “I didn’t mean to make that decision without you and Uncle Henry,” he said as his fork paused in mid-air. “It’s just that I’m not totally used to talking things out. But what do you think?” And he took a bite and waited expectantly.
“Well, it could be a very good idea,” Henry allowed. “It depends on why you’re going.”
“I’m going to learn a trade to move to the West Coast eventually.”
“What do you want to find on the coast?” Henry asked.
Erik let his fork rest on his plate. “I want to find my own job and maybe start a shop someday. Get a house and start making something of myself. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find someone to get married to. I just want to go someplace where the odds aren’t against me and there’s a chance to do something of my own. I want to go someplace that gives me a chance.” With a little nod, Erik picked up his fork again. He hoped his words, and his voice, had conveyed his firmness. He had thought through this decision.
“You haven’t been anyone here in Fairfield, and you don’t have a chance?” It was Mary’s turn to question.
“Sure, I’m someone, but I’m just here. Nothing changes here. I haven’t had a chance to do any of those things I’ve always wanted. I’ve never had a chance to make my dreams come true.”
“I’m sure you’ve had a lot of dreams.” a smile crept over Henry’s lips as he said those words. “You know if it was twenty five years ago I would swear that it was your dad talking. He also had a lot of dreams, Erik; only he never had the ability to stick to those dreams. He talked a lot about them, much more than you’ve ever talked. But he was never able to follow though. I’m not sure what you think of your dad, but in many ways you’re just like him. It’s amazing how little you were around him, but how much you’re like him.
“Erik, the only way you’re going to make your dreams come true is if you stick to the Lord and allow Him to work through you. It’s not enough to just have dreams, or plans for that matter. You need His strength to back you up. If not, Erik, that world out there that is so exciting to you—will eat you up.”
This was the first time that Henry had even mentioned Erik’s dad to him. The talk, however, seemed completely natural in its timing. It was as if Erik had come of age. Even if he was now twenty-four, it had never been time before. Before this he was still too young. It was as if Erik was receiving his first recognition as an equal. Erik somehow sensed the significance of the fact, and said nothing to stop the conversation.
Henry shifted his weight so he was looking straight at Erik. “If you can allow the Lord access to your plans, I don’t see a thing wrong about going to Havre and wherever after that. But if you’re going just because of some fantasy about the big world out there, it’ll be about three days before you’re back here on the farm. Your dad never had a chance to teach you about growing up. Maybe ‘cause he never did. But I can tell you one thing. The Lord is great in fulfilling promises. However, there can be a lot of difference between a dream and a promise. You’ve got to have His promise to make your dreams come true.”
Mary listened quietly and observed. As she looked at Erik she remembered his dad, Jimmie, and their walks to school. She thought of his nightmares and later his excitement as Maggie came into his life and they became married. Jimmie was full of dreams then. Then Maggie left him, and his heart never seemed to feel again. She feared the same thing would happen to Erik if this dream in Havre was an illusion.
At the same time, she realized this was personal to her and Henry. As she looked around the kitchen, the normal gathering place for countless conversations, she saw consistency. Those were the same kitchen cabinets that were in the house since it was built. The phone that carried calls from friends and doomsayers, with words of joy and sadness and even boredom, was attached on the wall close enough to the table that its long cord could be extended to anyone without their getting up from their place. The table itself was oversized to accommodate farm hands and family, but it never seemed too big to huddle at one end to share their hopes and fears or the comfort of simply talking about nothing important. So much had happened in this kitchen, but every spoon and dish and kitchen utensil was at the exact same spot each day. Now there was going to be change. Erik was no longer going to be part of their home.
Erik had been part of their lives for the past eleven years. Erik was right that nothing ever changed on the farm. To Erik that was a curse. To Mary that was her comfort. It was hard to even imagine their lives without Erik at the breakfast table. He was their child. It would not be easy to lose that part of their lives and disturb their comfortable nest. She knew that she was being selfish, but she was only being honest. She loved her life and her home. Somehow she now felt a hint of failure that she had never been able to make Erik feel the same.
“One other thing,” Henry was saying, “you’re going to have to rely on the Lord to make it. You’re also going to have to start relying on other people. To look to the Lord for help is to also look to other people. We all know you aren’t very good at that, but it’s about time to start. You don’t have a choice anymore. When you leave, there’ll be no old bunkhouse to crawl into.
“When you get into a jam, and you will, don’t just crawl into a hole and hope that the Lord will get you out of it. Pray like everything that the Lord will help, and then reach out to people for help. If you’re going to take on the world, you’re going to need all the ammo you can get. People will disappoint you, but you have no choice. None of us are perfect, but God will send people your way to help you, so don’t push them aside. Hey, if you expect to be able to have a family, you’ll have to first start trusting people.”
Erik waited for a second befo
re he could answer. Uncle Henry and Aunt Mary being so honest didn’t hurt him. He knew they were right and were really just saying what John had said and what Erik already knew. Since it was time for him to respond, he wanted to make sure he expressed his exact feelings.
“See, I think the only way some of my dreams can come true is by leaving. Then I will be in a place to see things happen. I just don’t think I have that chance here. I work five and a half days a week and I know exactly what will happen each day. Nothing changes. I come home and you give me dinner that I know will always be on the table when I get there. Then I go out to the bunkhouse, talk to the Lord, read the Bible and wait for the next day. I don’t have to worry about where the next meal is going to come from, or if I’ll come up with the rent. In a way it’s safe, but it’s just existing. There’s no chance to make something of myself.
“Uncle Henry, you talked about making His promises your dream. The more I think about it the more I know it is His promise. I believe it is in His plans for me to go to Havre.
“It’s not like I’m just leaving this place. This farm will always be a part of me whether I like it or not. I realize that now, but at the same time you’ve got to realize that this land can’t be my whole life like it is yours. Maybe it would be different if I was your son, but I’m not. I’m a Winters, and maybe I am like my dad. I don’t know. But when school starts two months from now, I think I need to be there. It’s my first chance to do something to see my dreams come true. I want to see if those things I read in the Bible about His watching over me will work out there outside of my safe nest. You say it’s a big world. I need to see how big my God is.” Erik’s shoulders slumped down as if to rest after his oration.