CHAPTER 24.
Butterfly
LILA CALLED ME, overjoyed, with the news that she had gotten the internship she had applied for at the New York Times for over the summer. She accepted, and she’d be living with her sister for the entirety of the summer up by NYU. And that’s when it hit me, that’s when it hit both of us. We wouldn’t see each other for the entire summer, and I’d be going away to college after that, and she’d do the same a short year later.
We went to see The Great Gatsby in theatres instead of talking about whether or not we wanted to do everything in the world with each other.
“My goodness, I’m glad we lost our virginities after watching the good Romeo and Juliet and not ‘+’ his,” Lila said as we made out in the empty theatre after the movie had ended.
“Hah, definitely,” I just wanted to keep kissing her.
“Honestly, I think Baz Luhrmann’s on a single-handed quest to destroy all the great literature in the world by turning it into sensationalist, flashy garbage,” I kissed her again, she continued, “He’s a visionary with poor eyesight. If they ever make a movie about my life, I hope to God he doesn’t direct it,” Lila said as we then moved the making out from the theatre to my car.
. . . . .
There was less than a month left in my final year of high school, and Lila and I sat in my car to have that other talk. What do we do about our relationship after the school year ends and we end up on different coasts, and then I go off to college after that, and then she does the same the year after that.
“I love you so much, I hope you know that,” I had to say.
“Of course, I really don’t know what we should do. I mean I know what I want, I want to stay together, I just don’t know what’s best.”
“You do want to stay together?”
“Of course, don’t you?”
“Yes, of course,” I had to say. And of course I wanted to be with her, but honestly, I also had the new feeling that I didn’t want to go off to college tied back to my hometown, that I wanted the full, unencumbered, college experience. I realized deep down that was what I felt. I just didn’t know what to do.
And so, we talked and talked, and she cried, and it didn’t sink in for me one single bit. It would be best to break up before next year, and it would be best to break up for the summer because we wouldn’t see each other anyway. In truth, I’d have loved to be together for the summer, but I didn’t want to be holding her back from doing everything she could want to do while living at a college in the city of New York. It would be selfish of me to keep her for that time and let her go when I went away to Berkeley. And she cried, so much.
. . . . .
We wrote each other letters for graduation.
Lila,
I can tell you now with such clarity and such honesty that you, Lila, are the best thing ever to happen to me. You have made me happy more than you can ever know and you have made this year truly the best of my life. You know how much I love you and how much I value you, but I will say it again, I do. Thank you for everything you have given me, for your caring, your support, your companionship, and your wit, but most of all thank you for giving me you. I know that opening up is something difficult for you, and so is getting close to someone new, so I thank you so wholly for doing that for me and know that I give my whole self to you as well, always.
Like you said to me, you feel lucky. I feel lucky. You are one of the most incredible people I have ever known, and you will become so much and do so much; I am honored that you choose to spend so much of your time and who you are with me. Honored, and still in complete awe and love. You also mentioned the numbers, statistics, and the whole sea of others, but the way I see it, I know I couldn’t have spent this year with anyone else. It was pure chance that brought us together; but of all those other people, there was only you. I cannot think of anyone else who I would rather have spent this time with or experienced these things with. This has been the best time of my life. I love you so much. We shared so much, so many moments, and so many mutual firsts. And it was the absolute best place for those to happen. In a place of trust, curiosity, compassion, and love.
This has been the very best of times. I love you so much. And I can’t thank you enough for sharing so much with me, for sharing this time in each other’s lives and making it the truly best thing. But, like the many great books we’ve also shared, when one chapter ends another begins. And this time, even better than before, with even more promise and even more hope. Loving you was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I will never stop loving you. That love just evolves, it matures, and it gets better and stronger with the time that will pass. I loved you as a girlfriend, and I will love you as a friend. And that’s what I look forward to so much. I’ve found the best friendship I have ever had in you, and I never want to lose that.
What started as an accumulation of significant glances across your dinner table turned into so much more.
I’ll say I wouldn’t change a thing, and that it was all good. And it was. All of it, good and bad, was for the better because it is a part of us. One part of our lives is over now, but another soon begins. Something that I look forward to so much. You have what should be one of the most fun summers of your life ahead of you, and I want you to embrace and experience it fully. Our time is not just a memory, but it is who we are, it is a part of us. And that is something that will never change. What we shared can never be taken away from us. I love you, Delilah, I love you with all of my heart. And I look forward so much to being your friend. Because, after all, that’s what we are. The best of friends.
I love you so much,
Always,
Alexander.
And hers to me.
My Dearest Alexander,
I can honestly tell you that I have never been happier. It had been a true and deep happiness. I can also tell you that this might have been my worst and toughest year of high school had it not been for you. So, thank you, Alex. Thank you for your constant love and support, I have never had a friend like you, and I want you to know always how much I love and value you. You make me want to be a better person every day, every minute, every second I am with you.
I still remember one time when you were driving, early in our relationship when we were at a four-way stop, and you let the other person go even though you got there first. A tiny bit annoyed, I had to ask why you let them go. And you simply replied that maybe now that person would let someone else go. Now, I still do not give up the right of way to anyone, but I realize that the principal behind it, and the principal behind you is so pure and good. You are so ever optimistic, and it is so beautiful. In the little things you do, and in the big ones to, and in all the times you’d hold me as I cried complaining about my mom or my dad or my sister, or in helping out poor old Kenneth, you are the kind of person that makes the world a better place, and it honestly inspires me to do the same.
You are probably the only one who bothers to strike up a conversation with our librarian or our lunch ladies, you never fail to ask how you can help. So, just know that I notice, and so do other people. And every time I see that I am so proud to call myself yours and to call you mine. You are the most caring person I know. Truly. I love you.
We both always tell each other how lucky we are. And honestly, what is the probability of finding someone else with which one is so compatible in our lives? It seems that we are pretty damn lucky. I have never before found someone with whom I can trust absolutely everything. Being with you just feels natural, comforting. But at the same time, it also feels special and exciting. Those butterflies from the first day I actually saw you after we became a couple are still there.
When we started this, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really think twi
ce about you, you were just some kid my dad liked. And then, well, I don’t know, I just tried to play it so cool. And then, one night, you gave me a phone call. I had no idea if we could last at all, or if it would work. I was hesitant to commit myself to someone who I never really had any romantic feelings for. And I’ll admit that for the first few weeks, I continued to be a bit hesitant. I wasn’t sure how I felt, but then, at some point, I can’t even tell you when, I transitioned seamlessly into a state of complete love with you. And I’ve never gone back. Alexander.
I couldn’t have found a better person to share my first Peppermint Mocha with. It’s been absolutely perfect. I couldn’t have found a better person to share my first experience in love with, both romantically and physically. I love everything about you (except that we never did go record shopping together). This has been one of the best rides of my life. Thank you.
I am so grateful to have you in my life, and I know that sometimes it might not always seem like that, but I am still so head-over-heels madly in love with you. You are my best friend, and you will always be so very special to me. I may never be able to fully grasp or express how I feel about you, or what you mean to me, so just know as I tell you now that I love you. You are and always will be so very special to me, you’ll always be my first. I love you and thank you for everything.
You graduate today. We knew that this was coming, but I still cannot believe this has actually arrived. You must know how very proud of you I am. It feels like yesterday and forever ago that we were sitting on that beach that was so ridiculously cold, pressed against each other. We were so awkward, yet so comfortable in our awkwardness. Was it okay for me to lean here, put my hand there? I didn’t know where we stood. But I also knew that of course it was okay, because I already felt your support and trust, even before I could tell it was there. It really seems like just yesterday that we held each other and kissed on the cold grass in that person’s yard after prom with every other couple somewhere else doing the same thing. In that moment I knew that we had something else that no one else did. Love. I love you. We were that high school power couple, like F. Scott and Zelda. And here we are today.
We have reached an end of sorts, but we both know, despite the cliché, that this is a beginning as well. As we part ways in a few weeks I am reminded of a line that Daisy says to Gatsby. Something along the lines of “I wish I’d done everything in the world with you.” Now, as much as I hate to quote Daisy Buchanan, I feel the same way. I wish I had done everything in this world with you, Alex. But, we are our own people, and I know that.
We would probably drive each other crazy at some point, although maybe not. Nevertheless, you are off to start a new chapter in your life. And you are going to have the time of your life next year. Of course I wish we didn’t have to, and I want you to remember me, and I know you will, but I also want you to fully embrace next year. Be a college student, you only have once in your life to do so. I am so excited for you. I want you to report back to me every so often of all your adventures. And know that I will always be here for you. Our relationship may be ending, but our friendship never will. I love you, Alexander Kaoruac.
Love always,
Lila.
And so we’d be together until she had to leave for New York in the beginning of June. And after that, we’d play it day by day how close we’d stay. Above all else, I didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t want to stay together only for the relationship to end horribly when I’m away at college, and then we’d never talk to each other again. I wanted to be able to end on good terms, and I wanted to be able to be friends, and maybe when the time comes if the time is right, I could get back together with her. I wanted it all, but of course, I couldn’t have it all.
CHAPTER 25.
Lay, Lady, Lay
GRAD NIGHT AT DISNEYLAND, graduation day, and grad night at school and then it was all over. With the turning of a tassel on a mortarboard I had gone from student to alumni, and from in love to single.
I said my goodbyes to my teachers, to the peers I know I’d never see again for the rest of my life, and to Ken. I wished him a happy summer, and he invidiously wished me a fun trip. I feel like he wished he could’ve gone, and I started to feel bad leaving him for the summer, especially after what had happened. But I knew he was swimming on the good path now with Dr. K. And Dan, and I would talk in vague, hopeful terms about the road trip, but it was the last thing I could think about.
I spent all the time I could with Lila before she had to leave, but she stopped wanting to spend time with me for a little while, she said it was too hard. But she assured me that she just needed time, and she’d talk to me when she was ready. I didn’t like that she was sad when I wanted to make the most of that time, but I understood too. I’d still try to be with her all I could.
The last time I knew I’d lay in her bed, the last time we’d hold each other after making love, I kissed the top of her head as I always did and took in all of the moment; with her body on mine and Dylan singing ‘lay lady lay, stay lady stay,’ I simply wanted that moment to last for the rest of my life. But I knew that it couldn’t.
Nothing is more profound than the silence that two people in love can share.
The day she left for New York I spent the whole morning with her, and when she was set to leave she looked up at me and said, “Well, I guess this is it.”
“I guess it is. Have the best summer, Lila, I’ll see you soon enough.”
“You too,” as she went in to hug me she said, “just like how it started, with a hug.”
And then it hit me that it was actually ending. It hadn’t truly hit me until then, and when it did, it hit me all at once, and I cried in her arms. I told her I loved her, I told her that she was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I told her again to have the greatest time in New York. And then she left.
CHAPTER 26.
Story Of My Life
DAN KNOCKED ON the front door of my house, and I answered. He seemed like he had something to say, but like he was trying not to let on. We climbed up to my roof and sat on its slope looking in the direction of the ocean and chatted.
“Well, Lila left for New York yesterday,” I said.
“Shit, man.”
“Yeah, it’s over.”
“I’m sorry, man, that sucks. I know how happy she made you and everything.”
“Thanks, Dan.”
“You still think it’s best, I mean, how do you feel?”
“It sucks, but I know it’s for the best. I want to be able to be friends, I don’t want to go through some shitty long-distance breakup once school starts because things weren’t working out.”
“Yeah…” he sighed.
“And honestly,” I added in a bout of actual honesty, “I want to be able to do college right, y’know? I don’t want to be tied back to home, I want a fresh start, and I want to be able to experience it all; girls and all.”
“A bird in the hand…” he started.
“Come on man, it sucks enough without having to second guess it.”
“I’m sorry,” Dan said earnestly.
“I don’t know, maybe I was wrong. But honestly, this last month has really just sucked, it was sad, she was sad. I don’t know, I’m at least a little glad that this part is over.”
“Alright.”
I thought for a second and said, “Nostalgia,” out of the blue.
“What?” Dan asked.
“Nostalgia, that’s how I’ll remember it. Fond and painful,” I thought again for a moment and added, “Nostalgia means pain, but we go to it now for comfort.”
“Who?”
“We do. Or our generation.”
“Talki
n’ ‘bout my geeeeneration,” Dan sang the line.
“I never understood why he stuttered so much in that song,” I pondered less than earnestly.
“Drugs?”
“Drugs.”
“Anyway, what do you mean, like, Buzzfeed?” Dan asked.
“Yeah, exactly, all of it. We are like this new Lost Generation. We have no real identity, and so we steal and copy and latch onto the identities and styles of other generations; our music sounds like it’s from the 80’s all over again, our clothes are 60’s and 80’s, and our references are all 90’s. We’re looking for some significance, some meaning to latch on to, because we have none of our own. We’ve grown up to find all gods replaced by products and celebrity, all wars distant and never-ending, and faiths in the American Dream shaken and dissolved…”
“Things were better then.”
“Once but never again.”
“But, you know, it’s all really because we have no counterculture,” Dan suggested.
No More Dead Kids Page 12