The hard times
It is now only one month before the contest, and the physical hardship and psychological stress caused by ten weeks of strict dieting and intense training are taking their toll (cf. Turner 1969: 93–111). As the diet and supplement regime intensifies, so too does the debilitating tiredness, aches and pains (including head-aches, muscle cramps, shakes, sleeplessness, nausea and mood swings). Michelle articulates her feelings as she suffers from these effects:
… all sports can require a phenomenal amount of training by the athlete, people train every day for several hours – so it’s not that the human body can’t cope with the training – but the diet, that’s the special thing – it effects your emotions, your food, your sleep, how you’re training, your energy –
everything. It really does!
The past few weeks have been exceptionally difficult for both Michelle and her partner, Jo. Michelle has decided to leave her job. Whilst at first her employers appeared sympathetic to her competing endeavour, they will no longer let her take a week off before she competes (as had previously been agreed). She says that they seem to have no comprehension of how poorly she will be functioning just before the competition (she knows she will be desperate by then, hardly functioning and constantly ‘needing to pee’, as her body will be flooded with water). Furthermore, they claim that ‘the diet is changing her – she is no longer herself, but is tired and grumpy and no longer sociable or enthusiastic’. Michelle admits this herself. She doesn’t want to socialize anymore, but disconnects herself from others in order to preserve her energy:
When I’m having a bad day, it takes all my energy to just get by, so I go very inside myself, I don’t want to talk to people, I don’t want people to hassle me about anything or ask me about food… all my energy goes into getting through my workout and to getting my food and to going to work. I think people sometimes think I’m being rude or arrogant, or moody, or whatever.
They don’t understand that the very little energy I have, I need to keep.
In the gym her partner acts as a ‘gatekeeper’ and prevents people from interrupting Michelle during and even after her training. Her partner Jo fends off casual gym
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trainers and gym friends, preventing them from asking annoying questions or making stupid comments. Jo tells me that the most frustrating thing of all is that people seem to treat Michelle as though she is sick or has something ‘wrong’ with her, such as an eating disorder:
One thing that pisses both me and Michelle off, is that people treat her as though she is ill… um people ‘Oh, are you OK? Oh dear oh, you do look like you are suffering! How long have you got to go through that for? What are you eating?’ And they treat her as though she is ill – it’s patronizing.
Yes, Michelle will feel tired and have less energy to talk and to be bouncy as she is normally… she walks slower, her memory is affected, concentration is affected, there’s lots of things that aren’t positive but are just simply by-products of the sport and just something that you have to accept with the sport – therefore it’s not something that people should feel sorry for her about, because she has chosen this very, very tough sport, but she has chosen it for herself.
Michelle echoes this emphasis on choice, by stating that during the dark times
‘I have to remind myself [at times] that I chose to do this, it’s my choice…it’s a personal challenge… I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t do bodybuilding, I wouldn’t feel me – it feels totally “right”’. There is definitely a sense of heroism here, inasmuch as it takes a special kind of person to complete this quest. This is further demonstrated by the following extract written by Teagan Clive, which captures the ethos of the pre-competition diet for the female bodybuilder: In every sport there is more than one game, and the most gut-wrenching events in bodybuilding take place in the kitchen, where athletes come to terms with their long lonely diets. Now I don’t mean to scare you, but although strict dietary control is an essential and exciting ritual for competitive bodybuilders, not everyone should ruthlessly restrict his or her food intake… If trying to eat ‘like a real bodybuilder’ is going to snuff your sense of liberty and pursuit of happiness, don’t do it… If you think that dieting is self-abuse, if it’s painful for you, if it’s a task and not an adventure… don’t waste your time trying to eat less… It’s your life, and your body. You are what you eat, and your physical identity will be shaped by what you swallow. You alone are responsible for your appearance.
(quoted from Bolin 1992: 198, my italics).
Foucauldian feminists, however, would argue that this so called empowering
‘choice’ is an illusion, and that far from being liberating, the ‘pre-comp’ diet acts as a ‘praxis of social control’. For example, at first glance it does seem that there are parallels here between anorexia and the ‘pre-comp’ diet, as in both cases bodies are pushed to the extremes and both are seeking to control their bodies as a way of controlling their lives. Unlike the anorexic who diets to ‘disappear’ from view, however, as the female bodybuilder sheds her fat she appears larger, more defined
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and more muscular – making her more visible. Thus, in contrast to the anorexic’s shrinking body, the hypermuscular female body cannot be ignored.
At this point, the journey to compete appears particularly challenging and arduous. The female bodybuilder is ultimately a lone ranger, fighting a battle that no one else seems to appreciate or understand:
It sometimes feels lonely when you have a bad day and people don’t realise the effects of the diet on your body – there’s no understanding… yes on the bad days it does feel lonely because when I’m feeling really crap and exhausted and can’t even stand up between sets, then I hate it, absolutely hate it, ’cause my body won’t do what I want it to… and even Jo doesn’t know how I’m feeling and what I’m going through.
It’s a difficult place – I’m tired, I’m exhausted and I’m not very responsive.
I know that I can just sit in my vegetative state just listening, but it can come across that I just don’t care. I’m just not very enthusiastic – just plodding along. Sometimes I feel like I’m cold, shut off and isolated and completely on my own – and everything gets blamed on the diet and sometimes I feel so alone with it.
The pilgrimage to competition is an isolating experience that no one else can truly understand unless they experience it for themselves: ‘the big moment in the education of the body is, in fact, the moment of initiation’ (Mauss 1973: 80). In the words of Michelle:
I think that unless you go through the bodybuilding diet yourself, you can never fully understand what it’s like… I can’t really even start to explain it to you, you still wouldn’t get it.
At this stage there seems to be a clear separation from all activities, thoughts, emotions and people not directly related to the sacred space of the competition. Furthermore, this distancing appears to prepare the way for these women to leave behind any other roles they may have and any other vestiges of the outside world that may have impinged upon them, prior to entering the ritual space of the competition.
The final stretch: creating the elusive body
It’s now the final stretch, less than two weeks before the day of the competition.
There’s a certain amount of relief as the end is now finally in sight. Michelle is feeling far more positive again, and sees the dark ‘hellish’ days as behind her: I was finding it really tough, feeling pretty bloody awful and wondering how the hell am I gonna get through to the end of it… like for a while I was really feeling the strain of the extra training and the stricter diet… but now I’m feeling really good, and everyone seems really surprised.
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Moreover, Michelle speaks of an ‘unexplained energy’ that she has had over the past two days – an almost-euphoria and ‘manicness’ that she herself compares to an anorexic’s ‘high’:
An
orexics can actually get to a point where they become stronger than they should be – though their body can obviously go past this, but there’s a point that although their bodies are absolutely starved, they are inexplicably strong as the body goes into survival mode… I think that’s what I have experienced yesterday and today, because I’m not eating enough fuel to do what I’m doing.
Indeed, there seems to be a kind of restlessness and listlessness about her: her face, now drawn by the depletion of fat cells, is animated by her bright, almost translucent blue eyes, with dilated pupils. She describes an ‘almost heightened awareness’. These bodily sensations and emotions trigger memories of a previous competition when she recalls being ‘hyperactive’ backstage. Moreover, this sublime, ‘euphoric’ feeling manifests itself in an overall feeling of confidence.
This is demonstrated in the gym, when, for the first time – one week before the competition – she trains in a vest and tight shorts, rather than her usual baggy t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms. As her body begins to approximate the latent image in her mind’s eye, she feels ‘happier’ and more content with her body and self.
Michelle is both excited and fascinated to see how much her body has changed.
However, as the body appears to increase its armour (through its hard, muscular and lacquered surface), the self is further exposed to criticism and reactions from outsiders. Within the gym, Michelle is greeted by hushed whispers, people pointing and shocked stares. Some men even take one look at her and leave the weights area altogether. Instead of her usual reaction of annoyance and frustration as a result of such unwelcome distractions from her training, she now challenges the onlookers in a direct but non-aggressive manner. Far from turning away and avoiding eye contact, in a dignified manner, she poses audaciously in front of the mirror for all to see.
With one week to go, the final preparations are made (to both the outer and
‘inner’ body). These include physical touches to the body itself by the way of tanning, make-up, hair presentation and manipulation of the body. Bodybuilders are often associated by the public with having a deep orange tan which, despite skin cancer concerns, is still associated with health and beauty in popular culture.
At competition time, bodybuilders tan their bodies in order to clearly show the definition and separation between muscle groups, particularly under the harsh lights of the stage. Michelle has been using sunbeds in the run-up to the competition (over the past few weeks), to provide a base to her tan. The day before the show, her partner, Jo, applies three coats of a deep tanning product – far stronger than a normal self-tanning lotion – to Michelle’s body. It is a messy and time-consuming job, as the ‘coats’ need to dry between applications. A final layer will be applied on the morning of the show, before going to the competition; tanning products have been banned from the show itself due to their ability to stain everything
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(including walls, floors, doors and toilet seats). Michelle needs her tan to be as dark as possible to define and show off her muscularity, but at the same time she needs it to be applied evenly and to provide an aesthetically pleasing colour, as she will be judged on the tone of her skin.
As critical commentators on female bodybuilding competitions have pointed out, women are also judged on other ‘feminine’ qualities and attributes. Competitions are undoubtedly controlling, but they include some creative and nonconformist elements that may provide some form of ‘empowerment’ for female bodybuilders, however temporary or partial these victories may be. For Michelle, as the quote below elaborates, the femininity rules are far from simply a restrictive imperative; rather, they are a pleasurable and integral part of the stage performance: It’s all about putting on a show, like I become a different person on stage – it’s an act. I’m not doing it to become ‘feminine’, as you’ll see when you see my hair and make-up it’s not like that – but I do want to present myself the best I can. I have to also bear in mind the judges… I want the judges to look at me favourably and there are certain things that I have to do to do that. There is no point fighting it. And you know, it isn’t something I do every day, I don’t wear make-up… but then I don’t wear a bikini and fake tan every day… So for me it’s all part of the enjoyment of doing something different. It’s exciting for me because it’s different.
Through Michelle’s journey we can see that, far from female bodybuilders being
‘cultural dupes’ (Garfinkel 1967) who do not recognize the imperative of the
‘mask of femininity’ (Tseelon 1995), they are active agents who are aware of the contingencies of winning and losing and negotiate within these rules and regulations. Furthermore, some female bodybuilders also recognize the charade of this gender construction. As Michelle articulates:
This whole thing about female bodybuilders having to retain their femininity, as if by the sheer fact of them being female bodybuilders they have to make a special effort (hair, make-up, posture etc.)… but when the fuck was it masculine to shave your body, tan it, oil it, tan and oil up other competitors’
bodies and to check each other’s bodies out? That’s not masculine… muscle, it seems to be assumed, can’t be feminine – you have to put on this whole charade.
The ‘inner’ body is also modified during this last week in order to create aesthetic perfection – ‘peak physique’ – on the day of the show, in the shape of full muscles with no water retention or bloating. Careful pharmaceutical and nutritional knowledge is therefore utilized to manipulate the ratio of water, carbohydrates and sodium. There appears to be no uniform procedure for doing this, as individual bodies appear to react slightly differently, and even when the bodybuilder has found a method that works for them, there is no guarantee that their body will peak at the right time (Bolin 1992).
This uncertainty creates anxiety, as illustrated by Michelle’s comment:
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I suppose I’m apprehensive, because it’s like the last week of four months hard work… you get paranoid about cocking it all up at the last minute… you know eating too many carbs and smoothing out, or not having enough and appearing flat on stage.
The ‘work’ involved in capturing the elusive perfect body makes the ‘normal’ athletic attempt to ensure peaking at the right time seem ordinary by comparison. It is an intense and critical period: the smallest ‘error’ (in terms of timing, nutrition and supplements) can ruin the bodily appearance they have sacrificed so much for.
With just days to go, supplements such as vitamin C are dramatically increased (vitamin C acts as a mild diuretic and laxative, helping to prevent bloating and constipation as fibre has been eliminated from the diet). Michelle drinks six litres of water to ‘flood the body’, in order to ‘trick’ it so that her body does not hold onto any water. This is in preparation for the stage at which she will dramatically stop drinking in order to dehydrate. Despite the inconvenience of ‘needing to pee all the time’, the tiredness and lack of concentration caused by depriving her body of carbohydrates and the anxiety about ‘cocking up’, this is still a time of excitement and fascination as she watches her body metamorphosize.
It’s now the afternoon of the day before the show. Michelle must no longer drink liquids but must suffer with a deep thirst that cannot be quenched, for the sake of water elimination from her cells (she is only allowed a small sip of water when she feels it is absolutely necessary). This deprivation is offset somewhat by the reintroduction of carbohydrates into her diet (a process called ‘carbing up’) to create the appearance of full muscles on stage. Although she has been looking forward to this moment for a long time, Michelle cannot appreciate her carrot cake: it just tastes like ‘sawdust’ in her dry mouth. She hasn’t trained in the past two days in order to retain and preserve her energy. She lies around waiting: there is nothing more that she can do now but wait until the long-anticipated day finally arrives.
The day of the competition (the ritual)
It is 10am
in the morning. I knock at Michelle’s front door and wait for Jo to open it. I am not sure what to expect or indeed what the day will bring. I find Michelle sprawled on the sofa in her lounge with her eyes closed – trying to conserve as much energy as possible at the same time as allowing her dramatic ‘Egyptian’
eye make-up to dry. Her skin is covered in a dark brown/orange stain – the final application was applied an hour ago. Her hair, unlike that of many other female competitors, is braided, and she wears short black-and-silver nail extensions. Her face looks extremely drawn due to fat depletion. I am slightly apprehensive as I ask her how she is feeling. She replies: ‘Surprisingly relaxed and really good considering… I’ve left nothing to chance and know that whatever the outcome I have given my preparation everything I could’.
At 11am Michelle, myself, Jo and a couple of friends arrive at the Guildhall.
Michelle admits to feeling nervous for the first time, although this soon disappears as she sees familiar faces in the crowd and feels that sensation ‘of belonging’. We
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stand in the queue waiting for Michelle’s category (over-55 kg women) to be called out in order for her to be weighed in. Some of the competitors are chatting whilst others are completely silent, yet everyone is subtly checking out each other’s bodies and making comparisons. Michelle weighs in at 80 kg, meaning that she has put on an incredible 14 kg of muscle over the past year. Once checked in, I go with Michelle and Jo backstage to the female competitors’ changing room, in order to avoid the distractions of the venue and to find a quiet spot where Michelle can relax, focus and preserve her energy. Most of her time will be spent eating, sipping water and lying with her legs raised to keep them drained. Unlike the previous year, when four others were competing, it transpires that there is only one other female bodybuilder competing, and she is in the under-55 kg category. Michelle is disappointed by the lack of competition: ‘all that training and dieting and £4,000
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