by S. Ann Cole
Then I remembered his words a few months back when I’d tried to break up with him:
I can be the sweetest guy on earth for you — every woman’s dream. I can also be cruel, controlling, reckless and insensitive — every woman’s worst nightmare. And I can be both in one — a neat little combo. So take your pick of me, Axia: rare, medium rare, or well done?
I now know never to make light of his words. Because I think I’ve tasted all three of him.
XXXI
For the next couple of days, Lovello dutifully avoided me. The most annoying part was not knowing where the hell he was. Was he out sleeping with other women? Was he working late? Did he sleep at the penthouse or at home? Would this protracted separation dissolve his love for me? Those were just a few of the numerous questions that raided my mind each day as I wandered worthlessly around his courtly house.
Lovello was being cold and mean and, well, he had every right to be. He had never done me wrong. I was led to believe he had, but in the end he’d been innocent. And none of my acts were. If I’d simply confronted him about the photos, then this whole debacle could have been avoided. But then, that was just me. Displaying any form of vulnerability or spinelessness wasn’t a proclivity of mine. And as a result, I’d gone ahead and handled the situation in my own selfish way and ended up hurting the one I loved.
Last night I phoned my father to inform him of my status — as up until then, I’d never come to terms with the idea of being a mother to start spreading the news yet. I’d been sure to omit the bits about the attempted abortion, because that would only serve to infuriate him. He was predictably ebullient about the news, more overjoyed than he’d sounded in a long while.
More than anything else, my father had always wanted me to start having a ‘real life’. You know, the whole get married, have kids and start a family crap. Ugh, just thinking about it made me nauseous.
Seleste, my mother, wasn’t so receptive to the news, though. She knew motherhood had never been in my life plans, and she was worried about how I was handling it all. These were the times when I adored my mother, because only Seleste understood my disposition and decisions.
It was when I emerged from the shower one evening and stopped by the full-length mirror to take in my weight-gaining body which I’d grown disgusted with that I realized this pregnancy was more real than raw diamond straight out of Africa’s tawny earth. My impeccable abs were still impeccable — sweet — but now there was a slight raise where my abs narrowed into a defined V-like shape. It was now warped into a wobbly O. I’d worked freaking hard to get those! Only men were successful with those lower abs, and now mine were warped.
Gently resting my palm over the raised area, tears welled up in my eyes. Again. I swear, I’d cried so much those passing weeks, it was a miracle my body still retained liquid. My ass was really going to be a mother.
As if my breasts weren’t perky enough, now they were porn-star style. Swollen and shooting firm in attention. My body was changing and I didn’t think I was ready for that. I didn’t want to get fat and ugly with ginormous boobs — that would eventually sag like a leaking water balloon after the baby — and I didn’t want stretch marks, swollen feet and an engorged nose. Eating healthily wasn’t even probable anymore, because every godforsaken thing I saw I wanted it. Just like a young baby that creeps around and shoves everything in its mouth, so I wanted to stuff every edible thing in my mouth. Whoever said being pregnant was fun downright lied.
Deciding to enjoy my body while it was still in tact, I slipped on a lace underwear and tie-front lingerie. It was only 7:32pm, but since Lovello paid no attention to me anymore, when I finished eating dinner at this time each evening I usually just grabbed a shower and headed straight to bed. There was no point traipsing around in the hope that I’d see him or that he’d talk to me. Not even Timo was in sight. Sometimes I could hear his barking, and sometimes nothing. So, inuring to imprisonment, I spent all my given hours in the bedroom, chatting with Trudy or Seleste whenever time allowed them to.
Just as I was pulling back the duvet to climb into bed, I heard male shouting downstairs. Most likely Lovello roughing up one of his workers again, I thought. But then I recognized Trevillo’s voice and knew it was definitely a brothers’ fight. Damn, I hadn’t seen or heard from Trevillo in weeks. Finally, someone I could talk to in the flesh. Excited to see my friend, I dragged on a red silk robe then sallied from the bedroom and started downstairs.
Trevillo stood in the foyer glowering at Lovello. “Call it off, Love.”
Lovello was leaning casually against the wall at the end of the stairs, with one leg propped up and his arms folded across his chest as he flashed a sinister-like smile back at his brother. In a black, sleeveless T-shirt and black lounge pants, with his inky-dark hair looking as if he’d just rolled out of bed, Lovello was sexy, gorgeous, tempting and exactly what I didn’t want to see right now. Each time I saw him, after not seeing him for long periods of time, that was when it hurt. That’s when it pained. That’s when I felt what he wanted me to feel. I loved him. I wanted him. I needed him so much. But here I was, living in his home, so close, but so, so far away. The avoidance was supposed to make me forget about him at least, but it only intensified my love for him. With every rare glimpse of him that I stole, I fell in love with him all over again.
The cold floor reminded me that I’d forgotten to put on my bed slippers, but I was too excited to see Trevillo to turn back.
His gaze caught me as I went down the stairs, and something warm flitted across his face before he smiled. I ran the rest of the way down, passing a scowling Lovello, and leaped into his arms. “Trev!”
Trevillo’s eyes widened at my enthusiasm to see him, then he grinned and hugged me back. “Whoa, there. You’re as chirpy as a bird that’s been freed from its cage. Who the fuck is this Axia? I’ve never met her before.”
Pulling from the hug, I thumped his shoulder. “Whatever. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been forcefully locked away from the world.”
His brows shot up, then he looked past me to his brother. I didn’t bother turning around to see what Lovello’s expression might be. Trevillo flicked his eyes back to me. His gaze roved over my face, down my body, then back in Lovello’s direction. “Are you hurting her, asshole?”
Lovello scoffed. “Listen up, brother o’ mine, that woman in front of you is my woman. The mother of my unborn child. What goes on between us doesn’t have shit to do with you. And you, Axia,” he said, which made me turn around to face his unreadable glare. “Where’s your bed slippers? The floor’s cold as ice and you’re walking around barefooted. Are you out of your mind?”
Before I could answer back, he bellowed for Donna and ordered her to fetch my bed slippers.
While I scowled at his patronizing tone, Trevillo ignored him and addressed me. “If he’s deliberately hurting you, Axia, you tell me, okay? He likes revenge and can be deviously spiteful. Whenever he decides to be an asshole, trust me, he’s an asshole. But you don’t have to take his shit, baby on the way or not.”
Feeling awkward in this situation, especially knowing that Trevillo was ignorant of the happenings around this whole pregnancy thing, and that I indeed deserved Lovello’s treatment, I forced a smile on my face. “I’m okay, Trev. I’m home.“ And that was somewhat veracious.
For a moment, he stared at me in distrust, daring me to break, then sighed and hugged me again. “If you say so.”
“Are you done?” an irritated Lovello asked. “She needs sleep and you need to get the hell out of my house.”
Trevillo turned to face his brother. “I’m not going anywhere until you agree to call it off. The dude’s a professional athlete and needs his arms and legs to make money. You know damn well that Natalio’s men are gonna break all four of his limbs, even if he orders them to only break two. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be punished, but you can’t use Natalio!”
Lovello shrugged without a care in the world. “He sh
ouldn’t have come threatening me. He’ll deserve whatever he gets.”
My eyes darted between the two brothers, wondering what the hell was going on. “W-what’re you talking about?”
Donna came at that moment with my bed slippers and I slid them on. Lovello shot his brother a quelling stare but Trevillo ignored him and told me, “Zane went by his office yesterday with threats because he can’t get a hold of you and heard, somehow, that you’re back with Love. And this turpitude set Natalio on him. Natalio.“
“Zane did what?” I asked incredulously. “Has he lost his mind?”
“Ha!” Lovello exclaimed with a clap of his hands. “Same damn thing I wondered.”
Whirling around, I found him with an ears-wide grin. “That still doesn’t give you the right to get your murderous brother involved. Jeez. Where’s your heart these days?!”
Lovello’s grin melted into seriousness, and his eyes burned into mine as he said, “You broke it.”
My ears and cheeks burned, and I knew I was probably flushed fire-red. Averting my eyes from his searing ones, I lowered them and spoke to the floor. “You need to call off Natalio from whatever plan he has for Zane, Love. This can be dealt with in a different manner.”
“Can we agree on that?” Trevillo asked him.
Lovello remained quiet for an eternity, while I tried my best not to sway my eyes in his direction. “Yeah, whatever. I’ll call it off. Just wanted to teach the idiot a lesson. But you’re right, Natalio’s men wouldn’t know how to ‘teach him a lesson’ without crippling or killing him.”
“Good,” Trevillo nodded. “Then I guess I’ll, um, leave you two now.” He turned to me. “Congratulations on your pregnancy, Axia. Amazed I never picked up on it. Mother phoned me with the news last week, but for some reason, whenever I try calling you, an operator keeps telling me that my calls to your number have been restricted.”
“What? I never —”
“Think we both know who did,” he chuckled, shifting his eyes in Lovello’s direction.
“You need to leave now, Trev,” Lovello said, all pissy.
Pretending not to hear his brother, Trevillo slipped an arm around my shoulders, walking me to the door and effectively turning our backs to Lovello. Leaning down, he whispered in my ear, “You know, there’s a part of that story in Genesis that you ignored.”
He continued when my brows furrowed in question. “Well, yes, Eve was made from Adam’s rib. But she also made him sin, which means women initially had power over men. Men were the weaker sex. So God changed that. Making women pay the price. These are the words you never paid attention to: ‘I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.’”
Frowning, I bit my lip in thought. In truth, I’ve never paid attention to that section. Hell, I’d never paid attention to anything. All that I know of the Bible is what Lovello used to read to me. Oh, I miss those days. “So … what’re you saying?”
“What I’m saying is…” He made a quick glance over his shoulder in Lovello’s direction, then leaned closer to my ear. “You should submit.”
As I started to shake my head in refusal, he sighed and said, “He’s friggin’ crazy in love with you, Axia. There’s nothing but happiness that will come from your submission to him. Assume your rightful role as the woman in the relationship. You’ve hurt him too many times, and that has left him distrustful of you. He needs to feel like he’s in control of this relationship. If he doesn’t feel that way, then neither of you will be happy and this relationship will go nowhere. So, just give it to him. You won’t regret it.”
I exhaled a heavy breath. That was something I couldn’t do, submit. Vince Blacksille along with Seleste D’costa-Blacksille’s blood was what streamed in my veins. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t submit, because it wasn’t in my blood.
“What the hell are you two whispering about so long?”
Trevillo’s arm fell from around me as he grasped the door handle and opened the door. He turned around to address his brother. “Don’t hurt her again, Love. Or I swear I’ll —”
“Burn my house down?”
Trevillo twisted his lips as he tried to fight a laugh, knowing all too well that’s what he was about to say, and then he laughed out. “I’m serious, Love.”
The tension was gone from Lovello’s voice when he spoke. “Brother, seriously, I think you hang out with Natalio way too much. Too many violent thoughts.”
“Says the man who was about to have a famous athlete’s arms and legs amputated? Who’s more violent-minded, Bible Boy?”
“Bible Boy?!” Lovello roared in laughter. “Now I think you’ve been hanging out with Axia way too much!”
They were both cracking up with laughter and it was so infectious I couldn’t help grinning, too.
They said their goodbyes in a more amicable manner, and I was glad they’d finally made up. They’d been in malice for too long. All because of me.
Long after Trevillo had left and closed the door behind him, I stood staring at it. Too nervous to turn around and walk past Lovello back up to my room. And he wasn’t moving, he was still leaning against the wall at the end of the stairs. I could feel his eyes burning holes into my back.
Taking a deep breath, I turned around and was sure to avoid his eyes as I walked by him and started up the stairs. Three steps up, and then I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist, stopping me. I looked back at him and was sorry I did. He was so damn beautiful. It was a rare beauty that one could never be immune to. His night-dark eyelashes were unnaturally long and slightly curled at the ends. His peach-colored lips were just right there, parted, and I wanted so badly to kiss them.
He didn’t say anything as I waited on his reason for stopping me. He merely gazed up at me with eyes that revealed nothing. His thumb made small circles on my wrist as his eyes drifted over my face, then down my body. They stopped on my stomach area, and I heard him sigh, his eyes softening.
Then, on a heavy breath, he dropped my hand as if it scorched him, and walked away from me. Drowning in confusion, I watched him as he took long strides in the direction of his study without a backward glance.
For the first time in a long while, falling asleep was an unachievable task. I tossed and turned, puffed the pillows, watched television, listened to music, and sleep remained elusive. I was miserable. Unhappy. Unloved. Desperate.
Trevillo’s suggestion that I submit to Lovello kept running laps through my head. But why should I assume that position? Lovello wasn’t all that innocent. He’d slept with dozens of women immediately after our break-up. I’d slept with no one. I hadn’t any inclination to do so either, because I was far too strung-up on him. Why couldn’t we just cancel things out with each of our wrongs and start over? Why did anyone have to submit? Why did anyone have to seek revenge on the other? Why couldn’t he just forgive me?
With a frustrated grunt, I flipped over on my side again and glanced at the clock. It was almost ten. As Heather Headley’s soulful voice filled the room with her amazing He Is, my frustration began to subdue, but not enough for me to fall asleep. Growing thirsty, I clambered out of bed and slipped on my bed slippers, then headed down to the kitchen to grab a drink. The coldness of the house bit into my skin as I exited the room, reminding me that I hadn’t donned my robe. I continued anyway, knowing the house would be asleep by now.
After downing a large glass of orange juice in the kitchen, I turned to head back upstairs but then I heard soft music flowing from down the hall where Lovello’s study was. Maybe he was up working late. On their own, my feet jaunted in that direction. I wanted to see him. Really wanted to see him. I didn’t know what I would say to him, but I just wanted to see his face before I went to bed. As I got closer, I identified the song as Deitrick Haddon’s I Need Your Help. Shaking my head, I thought about how contradictory the man was. One minute he was “chucking up the deuces”, and the next minute it’s gospel
?
The study door was left ajar, and I stood outside with my back against the wall, wondering if I should go in or not. I’d grown as spineless as a jellyfish since of late. It’s as if I’d already submitted and didn’t even realize it. I hadn’t been pugnacious or rebellious towards his treatment, and had allowed him to do whatever he thought he needed to do for vengeance. And that wasn’t me. The me that everyone knew.
So had I not already ceded all my power to him? Wasn’t he already ‘ruling over me’? He had me locked up in his house, for Christ’s sake. What the hell more did he want from me? The masochistic part was, as much as he was hurting me, as much as I was pained, with all he was doing to spite me, and as exhausted as I was, I didn’t desire to be anywhere else. That’s the prime reason why I wasn’t fighting back. That’s why I’d traded in the bitchy Axia for some doormat girl I didn’t recognize. Any way I could have him, I wanted him. As long as I was with him.
He said he loved me, and I believed him. And I needed nothing more than that confession to stay. Stay throughout his abrasive treatment. Stay throughout his torture. I just wanted to stay. I wanted to be nowhere else, with no one else. Because I was madly, crazily, insanely in love with Lovello Nelson. And I wanted to be in love with him. Always.
After about five minutes of deliberating, I decided against going inside and turned to go back down the hall. Then the music stopped, and I heard Lovello’s voice call out, “What do you want, Axia?”
How did he know I was … Were there cameras in the house? As I swiveled my head from side to side, searching for hidden cameras, I heard him say, “Yes, there are cameras in the house.”
Well that’s something I was ignorant of. Were there cameras in the bedroom, too? Did he watch me daily? Dios, talk about being imprisoned and under surveillance.
I turned back and pushed open the door to his study, leaning my shoulder against the door frame. “Hi.”