“All right. I’ll leave you to it, then. But if this goes on for more than another week, expect me to beat down your door and force you to face it. Got it?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good. Now you may finish your beer in peace.” And with that, she got up and walked out of the room, leaving me with a full drink, uncomfortable silence, and thoughts of Kelsey.
Chapter 21
Aaron
A week after I’d closed on the house, Kelsey had sent me a message about a last-minute doctor’s appointment, asking if I’d be able to make it. It had concerned me, considering she’d told me that her regular checkup wasn’t until Thursday, so I was confused why she’d need to go a few days earlier—and at the last minute.
Regardless, I’d told her I’d be there, and I was.
The problem was . . . she’d left me sitting in a small, cozy room all by myself while she was somewhere else getting the scan. And during all this, no one bothered to tell me what was going on. It wasn’t until the lights dimmed and the giant TV screen came on that I realized she’d had something up her sleeve, and this wasn’t a typical appointment.
Soft music played in the background as black-and-white pictures scrolled across the screen. At first, I thought they were generic, more of an advertisement for the office, but when Kelsey’s voice came on, I realized they were sonograms of our child.
My baby.
“Tuesday, March twelfth,” she said through the speakers. “I found out today that I’m pregnant, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. So I figured I’d write it all down to sort through the mess I’ve gotten myself into.”
I swallowed, realizing she’d chronicled her pregnancy thus far—at least the beginning of it—and this was her way of including me in the steps I’d felt cheated out of. Had I known this was her plan, I doubted I would’ve shown up, but since I was here, and this gave me a chance to hear her out without having to face her, I decided it was worth sticking around for.
“A few weeks ago, I had a one-night stand. A really hot, incredible night with a stranger I never planned to see again. It was supposed to be that one time and that one time only. But now, I’m pregnant with his baby, and I don’t even know who he is. I don’t know how to find him, what name to list on the birth certificate, or if he’d even want to know. And while I realize I don’t need to have all these answers right now, that I have time to figure it all out, I’m choking on all the what-ifs that continue to swarm me as each second passes me by.”
My stomach twisted into knots at the sound of her confession. Somehow, through all this, I’d never taken the time to think about what it had been like for her. How scary it must’ve been. How alone she must’ve felt. And now, hearing her admit it all—even without looking me in the eye while speaking her truth—gutted me.
“Sunday, March seventeenth.” A picture of her flat stomach came up on the screen. “Well, little one . . . I know who your daddy is. It was quite a surprise, but at least he’s not a dancer like I originally thought. So that’s good.”
The slight giggle in her tone put a smile on my face.
“But the bad news is . . . he’s going to be living with us for a few months. And as much as I wanted to tell him about you, I think it was divine intervention that it didn’t happen. I have no idea how he’ll take the news, and the last thing I want right now is someone or something making me doubt this. I won’t be able to handle any negativity surrounding you.”
And just like that, the smile vanished while a noose circled my neck.
“Sunday, March thirty-first. Your daddy came to lunch today at your grandparents’ house—you’ll understand what these are in time—and I think I learned more about him today than in the last two weeks of knowing him combined.”
I thought back to that day. We were together until she went to bed. She must have written this entry then.
“He’s not just a pretty face attached to a fantastic body . . . he’s actually incredibly smart. I hope you get his intelligence. And eyes. And skin. If you’re a boy, I hope you look just like him. But only if you get my feet—his aren’t anything to look at.”
I laughed, more curious now than ever before about what all she’d written that she’d never admitted aloud.
“He’s making it harder and harder to keep you a secret from him. I only need to make it a couple of months until he buys a house and moves out, but if he keeps acting this way, I may not make it that long. And as much as I want him to know about you, I don’t want . . . whatever this is between him and me to end. That’s my worry. That he’ll freak out and run, maybe accuse me of trying to trap him now that I know he’s a doctor. And I’m just not ready to lose his company quite yet . . . especially after we finally had a real conversation today. Oh, and your grandma thinks I should marry him. I can only imagine what she’ll say once she finds out about you. Lord, that will be entertaining, to say the least.”
Hearing that made me recall the Sunday I’d gone to the Petersons’ house to be with Kelsey as she told her parents. I couldn’t get her mother’s reaction out of my head—or her dad’s, for that matter. It’d been weeks, and he apparently wasn’t still angry with me, but that didn’t mean I was ready to go fishing with the guy. He’d likely toss me overboard and take off.
“Tuesday, April ninth.” She took a deep breath and then released it in a quick huff, making me worried about what had happened on this day. “I tried to feel him out tonight . . . to see where his head’s at with having a baby or family. And I realize he doesn’t know about you, but all he kept talking about was some woman he works with—about how she’s struggled to have a baby of her own only for others who never wanted kids to get knocked up during a one-night stand. I couldn’t handle it anymore and walked away. I don’t think I can do this. I just wish I had a sign one way or the other so I can stop guessing how he’ll take the news.”
I’d forgotten all about that conversation, and now, hearing about it from her perspective, I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and change it all. I’d never meant to make her feel that way. No wonder she hadn’t told me sooner. This entire time, I’d blamed her for keeping this from me, yet she’d tried several times . . . only for me to block her at every attempt. And not just block her but make her feel like shit as well.
“Thursday, April eleventh. I heard your heartbeat for the first time today.” Just then, a rhythmic whooshing sound filled the room before fading out, just in time for Kelsey’s voice to return. “It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard in my life. But it’d be a lie if I said I wasn’t filled with sadness at the same time.”
Her voice danced with a quiver, and I closed my eyes, imagining the tears that had lined her lower lids. Had she been in front of me right now, reading her innermost thoughts, I’d have pulled her into my arms and eased the ache that had spread from her lips to my heart.
“I was alone when the audible sound of your life inside me filled me with so much love. And as much as I wish your grandma or even Tatum had been with me, the one person I truly wanted there is your father. But he couldn’t be . . . because I still haven’t told him about you. I hate that he doesn’t know. I hate even more that he’s missing all of this. But I’m a coward. And I’m selfish. I don’t want to lose him. I love you, my baby . . . I just hope he does, too.”
I dropped my head into my hands and ran my fingers through my hair, whispering, “I do. I do love you.” And as those words came out of my mouth, I had no idea which one they were meant for. Perhaps both—my child and Kelsey.
Her voice had cleared in time for the next entry to sound through the speakers, and more pictures of ultrasounds and her stomach, as well as ones of me, her, and her family, filled the screen. “Tuesday, April sixteenth.”
I cringed at the date, knowing exactly what had happened that day.
“I’m going to tell him today, little one. I can’t go into specifics with you, because it’s certainly not age appropriate, but your father and I had a re
ally good . . . talk last night. I think he’ll be okay with the news. Maybe even more than okay—perhaps happy? I can only hope so. Regardless, I plan to talk to him after work and tell him all about you. I just pray he doesn’t get mad that I’ve kept it from him for this long. If he does . . . I guess I deserve it. Right?”
My heart sped up, slamming into my sternum.
I didn’t want to hear what came next.
Sorrow clenched her voice as she said, “I didn’t tell him. Without going into the details . . . I don’t think he’s ready to hear that he’s going to be a father. In fact, I’m not sure he even wants to be a dad. At least, not right now. Or . . . maybe just not with me. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have much of a choice in that matter. But for now, I can’t tell him. I can’t even be around him right now. The thought of it makes my heart break.”
I wasn’t one to cry, but damn . . . that almost got me, hearing in her own words what she’d felt that day. All this time, I’d been angry that she’d made assumptions about what she’d walked in on, not once taking into account the pain she’d experienced. And now . . . it was almost too much to bear.
Then she cleared her throat. “Saturday, May fourth.”
I stilled, held my breath, and waited to hear her version of that day.
“At this point, I’m not even sure if I’ll ever let you read this journal. Not even when you’re grown and married and having a baby of your own. I’m sure there are things in here you should never know about, and this will be another one.” She paused to take a deep breath, her inhale shaking like a Jell-O mold during an earthquake.
I glanced up at the screen, as if I’d be able to see her face. I knew it wouldn’t be there, but the sound of her pain called to me anyway. Instead of her face, though, I saw pictures of me as a kid—which she had clearly gotten from her sister or Jason, as they were mostly my teenage years—mixed in with some of her around the same ages. It was impossible to see those and not try to imagine what our child would look like. Who it would resemble.
“I screwed up. Badly. Not only did I hurt Aaron, but I think I might’ve ruined things for us—permanently. He’s gone, and I doubt he’ll ever come back. Even after he finds out about you, I don’t think we’ll ever be the same. And it kills me. It hurts so much, this pressure in my chest. It’s like I can’t breathe. And I don’t know what to do other than tell him the truth. Which I will do . . . once I find the courage to face him again.”
I closed my eyes and fought back my emotions.
“Friday, May tenth.” Just hearing the date was a stab wound to my chest, straight through my heart. “He knows. I can’t tell for sure how he feels about it . . . but he knows. And he wants nothing to do with me. If I screwed things up for you to have a relationship with your father, I’m so sorry.” Emotion tightened her voice and filled it with sheer heartache. “That was the very last thing I ever wanted to do.”
The background music broke away, and when I glanced up at the screen, I found Kelsey’s face, tears glistening in her eyes. I stood, unable to remain in my seat on the couch, and moved closer to the video of her.
“Don’t freak out, but Tatum told me what you said to her about feeling cheated out of everything up until now. Please, don’t be mad at her. She’s only trying to help, and without her sharing that piece of information with me, I never would’ve been able to find a way to at least try to make it right for you. The passages you just heard me read were from my journal. The morning after the bachelorette party, I found a notebook in my old bedroom at my parents’ house, so I took it home with me. I didn’t realize at the time that it would come in handy for this. But from the first day I found out that I was pregnant, I logged almost all my thoughts and feelings regarding the baby.”
It wasn’t until I gasped for air that I realized I’d held my breath as she spoke, as if inhaling would keep me from hearing what she had to say.
“I must’ve written in it almost every day, but I only pulled the most important ones for you. If you would like to read every passage, I’m more than happy to give you the journal to read. I would’ve given it to you now, but since I’m still pregnant, I thought it might be best if I continue to use it—at least until the baby’s here.”
I glanced around the room, as though I’d find her standing behind me. But still, the room remained empty. Just me and the prerecorded video of the mother of my child. If that wasn’t depressing, I wasn’t sure what was.
“You’re probably wondering what you’re doing here.”
“You can say that again,” I mumbled to the screen, not caring that no one could hear me.
“Well, since I kept you from all the early milestones, I thought I’d let you have one of the biggest . . . if you want it, of course. If not, you’re free to go. Leave this room, and the woman at the front desk will give you a disk of all the 3D ultrasound images that were taken today. But if you want to know what we’re having—if it’s a boy or a girl—stick around. I don’t know the results. Only you will get them, and if you choose to share it with me, that’s your choice. Or you could keep it to yourself like I did with the first twelve weeks of the pregnancy. Either way, the receptionist will have the images on a disk for you.”
I stood, stunned, motionless. Unable to speak or even blink. Shocked at the gesture she’d offered willingly. In all honesty, I hadn’t yet decided if I wanted to learn the gender or not by the time I saw the results on the screen—I’d stayed so long that I’d lost my chance to leave. And after that, I couldn’t contain the emotion that thrived in me.
I’m going to be a father . . .
It became real in that moment.
As if the last four weeks had never happened.
Chapter 22
Kelsey
“Any word from Aaron?” Tatum asked as we walked out of the grocery store, two carts full of food for her baby shower that would also double as their gender-reveal party.
“A letter came to the apartment yesterday, addressed to him. I called him about it, and he asked me if I could bring it to him. But other than that, no.” It’d been five days since the doctor’s appointment. I didn’t want to bring it up to him, but I didn’t know how much longer I could last before losing my cool and demanding he speak to me.
Shock raised her dark brows. “Nothing about the ultrasound? The journal entries? The gender?”
“Nope. Nothing.” He’d gone with me to my regular checkup on Thursday, and even then, he’d never brought it up. I wouldn’t lie . . . that hurt. “I told him that he didn’t have to tell me if he didn’t want to. I guess he’s still punishing me.”
We reached her SUV and parked the carts behind it while she lifted the back gate. She continued to talk while we moved the bags into the trunk. “Maybe he didn’t stick around to find out.”
“He did.” My chest constricted, and tiny pins pricked the backs of my eyes. “Marlena saw him at the store and asked him about it, and he told her that he knew what we were having. But he wouldn’t tell her, and I guess he didn’t stick around long enough to let her pull it from him.”
“Well, maybe he’ll say something when you get to his house.”
I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Doubtful. I’m the one who told him that he had a letter, and it took him almost an entire day to get back to me about it.”
Even though I tried to play it off like a joking matter, that didn’t mean I wasn’t ripped apart anytime I thought about his absence and avoidance. Foolishly, I’d believed things would change once he got his house. I thought he’d come around and find the time to talk to me after he got all moved in and unpacked. But he’d been there for a week and a half, and from what I’d heard—based on the things he’d told Jason—he’d been settled in since the end of the first week. So I’d given up hope that we’d ever move past my mistakes.
I hadn’t just made my bed to lie in it.
I’d set the house on fire . . . and now I had to sit in the soot and smoke.
Tatum put the last bag in the tr
unk and then stepped away to close the hatch. “How long are you gonna let it go on before you say something?”
“What can I say? I don’t have any right to bring it up, so I can’t.”
She huffed before setting her sad eyes on me. “Want me to say—”
“Don’t you dare say a word, Tater. I appreciate all you’ve done to help me and be there for me through all this, but really . . . I think this would be better left alone.” I meant it—there was no way I would’ve made it through the last month without her.
“Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do.” She pushed the shopping cart to the front of her SUV and unlocked the door with the key fob. “You’re still coming over before the party next weekend to help me set all this up, right?”
“I wasn’t planning on it.” I winked when she rolled her eyes. “Of course I’ll be there.”
I moved around her vehicle to mine and settled in behind the steering wheel. As long as I was around Tatum, my nerves were fine. But now, when I was alone and knew I would see Aaron in about ten minutes, they were fried. I was so anxious that the drive to his new house went by in the blink of an eye.
And before I knew it, I stood on his front porch, my heart hammering in my chest.
I rang the doorbell, and a second later, my phone vibrated with an incoming text. One look at the screen, and my stomach flipped. It was from Aaron, telling me to come in. I had to read it about eighty-four times to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood I’m in the back . . . just walk in. Because, you know, those words could mean so many different things. And eventually, I grabbed the cold doorknob and turned, carefully pushing it open as if sneaking in.
But the second I made it inside, my heart stopped.
Air left my lungs.
Oxygen couldn’t reach my brain.
There was a good chance I’d died on the way here, and this was my heaven.
Aaron stood about ten feet in front of me, hands deep in his pockets, eyes hesitantly meeting mine. If nerves had a voice, they’d sound like his when he said, “Hey.” If they could smile, it’d look like his when I moved two steps closer—short and lopsided, cautious. And if nerves had eyes, they’d be the deepest green, imploring me to go to them like an outstretched, offered hand.
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