by Maisey Yates
“And that more was marrying a man you didn’t love or even want to sleep with?”
His words hit her, cold and hard in the chest.
“Apparently, what I was really waiting for was to meet a stranger and have a one-night stand with him and get pregnant with his baby. My goals were much loftier than a mere loveless marriage.”
He cleared his throat and looked out the window. “Did your father tell you what a worthless asshole that man was?”
“What?”
“Did he tell you what a horrible person that man was? Because it seems to me that all of this was about the situation you put yourself in, and while I get that there were poor decisions on your part—and I’m the proud owner of many poor decisions so I’m not throwing stones—he was the one determined to take a private encounter public. He was the one who was threatening to expose you.”
“I... He wasn’t there to be lectured, I was.”
“And you were the one who had to change.”
“I really did though, Alex. I was trying to take a long walk off a short pier.”
“I agree with that in terms of the substance abuse. Drugs mess things up, Rachel, in ways I’m sure you never saw in a club. But you’re clean now, I assume.”
She nodded. “Yes. I was never a heavy user. Mainly I drank too much alcohol. But I have a one-glass limit on wine now. And a no-glass limit at the moment.”
“What were you trying to fix?”
“What?” she asked.
“Everyone I’ve ever known that’s been on drugs or who partied till they couldn’t think—and I’ve known a lot of them, considering my background—has been running from something. Medicating for some reason. What was yours?”
“I don’t... I...” She blinked rapidly and looked away from him. “I didn’t worry so much about being good enough when I was doing all that. I felt...happy. I felt good.”
“And since you stopped?”
She lifted one shoulder. “Until recently, I knew I was good. Feelings didn’t really matter.”
“So you exchanged one form of denying your feelings for another? New solution—don’t change your feelings, just don’t have them?”
“I’m sorry, Alex, but this is something you couldn’t possibly know anything about.”
“Is that right?”
“Yes. I don’t mean to be cruel, but who has any expectation of you? When I found out who you were I knew I’d been used because your name is synonymous with epic bastardry. You’d already tried to ruin Ajax with those tax fraud allegations.”
He quirked his lips into a half smile. “And the odds that they were true seemed high. They would have been with many corporations.”
“Sadly for you, Ajax does things so by the book it’s almost unreal.”
“A surprise, considering.”
She suddenly felt even more naked than she had a moment ago. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. She should get her clothes, but she had a feeling that they wouldn’t make her any warmer. Any less exposed. He knew now. He knew the worst of her.
And she knew...what he thought was the worst of Ajax. And she knew about the pizza. But she didn’t know him.
“Tell me something about you,” she said. “What are you ashamed of?”
He looked away from her. “I’m not ashamed of anything. I don’t have shame.”
He looked back at her, their eyes meeting, his expression fierce. “I’ve seen too many things...done too many things. And I don’t regret them. Because they’ve made me who I am.”
“That’s such a line. We all regret things. I regret getting into the car with Colin. I regret drinking that much. I regret letting him videotape me.”
“And it changes nothing, so why bother with it?”
“Because it did change something. It changed me.”
“Ah, yes, and you’re so happy and well-adjusted now?”
“No. I’ve proven, yet again, that when you follow your...emotions and hormones and...things that aren’t logical, stupid things happen.”
“Is that how you see the baby? As something stupid?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You said stupid things happen.”
“Are we going to stand here and pretend I made a stellar decision in sleeping with you when I was engaged to someone else? I don’t have it in me to lie like that.”
“Just to omit the truth when it suits you.”
“Shut up, Alex.”
“You just asked me to share about myself.”
“Then do that. But don’t throw stones at me. I can’t take it right now. I just...spilled my guts to you and I can’t take your criticism on top of it.”
Silence fell between them. A thick blanket that offered no warmth or comfort. Just a heavy awkwardness that made her skin break out into goose bumps.
He shook his head. “Sorry, I’m not overly shocked by your revelations since I used to catch live performances of what you did in that video in the halls of...of the Kouklakis compound. When I was a child,” he finished, the word hard and bitter. “I was protected, but only to a degree. You want me to tell you about things I’m ashamed of? I don’t even know what shame looks like.”
He turned away from her, his posture rigid, the defined muscles in his back standing out, tension radiating from him. “I’ve seen my own mother on her knees in front of a man. I’ve seen her beg and cry and offer favors for a chance to stay.” He turned back to her. “To take care of me, I thought. Because of love, I thought. But that wasn’t it. At least it wasn’t because she loved me. It was because she loved heroin and the man who owned it all. It was never for me. Fine, do you want to know what shame really feels like? Finding out your own mother loves drugs and sex more than she loves you. That’s shame. That burns, Rachel, in a way you can’t possibly imagine. You want to know what I know about family? There you are.”
“Alex...”
“Don’t,” he bit out, crossing to her. “I don’t need your pity. I am not that boy. I am not a victim. I got out by the skin of my teeth—I scraped my knuckles raw climbing out of that prison. I didn’t escape clean, but I escaped.”
“Is that why you hate Ajax so much? Because he got out and he’s done well for himself? Because he’s unaffected?”
“Of course that’s part of why I hate him.”
Because Ajax was so normal. And Alex was so broken. He didn’t say the words but she felt them between them. And she believed him.
“What happened when you left?”
He reached out, cupping the back of her head and pulling her forward. “I do not want to talk anymore.”
“Alex—”
He kissed her, his lips hard, crushing against hers.
“Don’t be afraid with me, Rachel,” he said, his hands skimming over her curves. “Don’t hide from me.”
“Alex,” she said again, his name a plea this time. For what, she wasn’t sure. For freedom? For a moment unleashed from the cage she’d locked herself in.
“There’s no shame with me,” he said against her lips. “None at all.”
His words pulled at something inside of her, at a need she’d been denying for so long. Rooted out the guilt that had been tangled around her soul like a creeping vine.
“You want me,” he said, kissing her neck, her collarbone. “Tell me that you want me.”
“I can’t...”
“Tell me what you want,” he said, his voice firm as he lowered his head and sucked her nipple deep into his mouth.
“We just did this, like, a half an hour ago,” she said, gasping, her head falling back.
“Yes. I know. And you want me again already. Because you’re passionate, Rachel, no matter what you think. Because you have desire. So much. And it’s beautiful.”
<
br /> Her throat closed, something shifting in her chest. She took a sharp breath, trying to hold back the sudden, unexpected rush of emotion. She didn’t have time for it. Not now. Not when Alex was kissing her like this. Not when he was taking that old memory she’d just shared and twisting it, changing the way she felt about it. Changing the way she felt about herself.
“Tell me what you want,” he growled.
“You,” she said.
“Tell me how I make you feel,” he said, raising his head, his teeth scraping against her neck before he sucked the gentle curve hard, drawing away the sting.
“I...I want you, Alex.”
“Like no one else?”
“No one else.”
He put his hand between her thighs, his thumb sliding over her clitoris while he pushed a finger deep inside of her. “Tell me,” he said again, a ragged edge to his voice that told her there would be no arguing with him. That told her she had to obey.
“I—” The words stuck in her throat, embarrassment, and self-protection slamming down and keeping her from saying anything.
“Tell me,” he said, “or you don’t get to come.”
“Alex,” she said, trying to be exasperated while his hands were working magic on her body. While he was holding her apart from paradise.
“I don’t have time for you to hide, agape. You want me, or you don’t. But you have to tell me.” He added a second finger, amped up the movements, pushing her closer but still not taking her there. And he knew it.
“I...I want you inside of me.”
He smiled, wicked, naughty. Thrilling. “I am inside of you.”
She shook her head. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Say what you mean.”
“I don’t...”
“You want my cock?” She nodded, biting her lip hard. “Then tell me.”
Heat flooded her face—embarrassment and arousal. So silly when she was being so intimate with him. When they’d done even more only a half hour ago, why couldn’t she say what she wanted? Why was it so hard to be honest? With him? With herself?
“I want your cock inside of me,” she said, the words coming out in a rush.
He cupped her chin, held her face steady while he kissed her deep. He withdrew his fingers from her and lifted her up into his arms, carrying her into the bedroom and depositing her on the center of the bed, pushing his underwear down his legs and coming to join her.
He parted her thighs and gripped his thick erection, pressing himself to the entrance of her body, guiding himself in slowly.
She arched, a harsh cry escaping her lips as he filled her. Stretched her. She felt so close, so needy—incredibly, considering what had happened earlier. But she couldn’t get enough of him.
She’d been waiting for this, for him, all of her life.
As soon as she had the thought, she pushed it away. She pushed everything away. The barrier she kept between herself and the world.
She forgot to feel shame. She forgot to curb her emotions. She forgot to be quiet and dignified. Instead she clung to his shoulders, dug her nails into his skin and wrapped her legs around his hips.
Instead she bit his neck and cried out her pleasure, riding the wave of pleasure to ecstasy. He pounded hard into her body until he stiffened, a hoarse cry on his lips as he found his own pleasure, as he poured himself into her.
Afterward she lay there, shaking. Feeling vulnerable and exposed. Like a creature that had been dragged out of its den and forced into the sunlight, uncovered, unprotected.
And she started retreating as quickly as possible. Did her best to try and rebuild her defense system.
But his arms were around her and he was kissing her neck, her shoulder, the curve of her breast. It made it impossible to retreat fully. Because he was holding her captive.
“You can’t possibly want to do that again,” she said. “I’m completely spent.”
“That’s one of the perks of younger men,” he said, pinching her nipple lightly. “We can go all night.”
“I can’t. I’m exhausted.” Physically, she could have him again. She already wanted him. How could she ever get tired of a man like him?
But emotionally? She didn’t have the strength. Because he’d done something to her. It was more than unleashing a wild part of herself she hadn’t known existed. It was more than just sex. She was stripped naked, down to her soul, and there was no way she could go through any more just yet.
It was all starting to catch up with her. The reality of her actions, from the moment she’d met him until she’d told him so bluntly what she’d wanted from him.
She looked at him, their eyes clashing. He was so beautiful. A man built to tempt even the most righteous of women. And she’d never been all that righteous. She’d only been pretending.
This man was the father of her baby.
Her stomach lurched, the thought butting up hard against her compromised defenses. Oh, good Lord, the baby...
She shivered, a dry sob in her throat. But still there were no tears.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I don’t know...I...I was thinking about the baby.”
He froze behind her, then his hand drifted from her breast down to her stomach. “How are you feeling about it?”
Scared. “Okay. I mean...it’s a lot to deal with.”
“Naturally. And what are your plans?” he asked. “If you don’t marry me, what do you think we’ll do?”
“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” She felt scrubbed raw, and she didn’t think she could even handle thinking about the pregnancy in terms of it producing an actual baby at the end, much less how Alex and her relationship with him would squeeze in around that.
“Then when, Rachel? You’re pregnant with my child. You continue to end up in my bed. Marriage is—”
“Is that what this is about?”
“What?”
“You...putting the moves on me. Is it just so I’ll agree to this...marriage thing?”
“This marriage thing,” he said, moving away from her and getting off of the bed, “is the best chance our child has at a normal life.”
“Oh! So we’re normal? What in all the world makes you think that?”
“I didn’t say we were, but a normal family structure is the best chance this child has.”
“And you want to prove something to Ajax?”
“This has nothing to do with Ajax! When I went to that wedding, I went for you. You could have been marrying my very best friend and I would have come to take you. Because you’re mine. It’s that simple.”
“I’m yours? Why?”
“Because,” he said, his words tight. “Because you’re having my baby.”
“You didn’t know I was.”
“And because I want you.”
“To be who you want. To do what you want.”
His lips curled. “I asked what you wanted. And you told me. Oh, baby, did you tell me.”
“Shut up, Alex,” she said, turning away from him, those words starting to become familiar.
“Because you still want to pretend that you’re a cyborg?”
“Because I can’t deal with all of this right now!” she said, exploding. “With the baby. And with you...and...and my family... I can’t.” She got out of bed and started hunting for her clothes.
“We have to deal with it sometime.”
She had that feeling again. As if the pressure was too much. As if she was too full of...everything and as if there was no release on the horizon. As if she was drowning inside of herself.
“Not right now,” she said. She looked around and realized her clothes were in the living room. “Crap.”
She pulled the blankets off the bed and gathered the
m around her body, covering up her curves. “I’m going to bed,” she said.
“Fine.”
“And I’m not marrying you.”
“Yet,” he said, his blue eyes boring into hers. Oh, those eyes...
“Why does it matter to you? You don’t know anything about normal. You said yourself your experience with family is...is horrible, so why would you care?”
“Because I will give better than that for my child. I can’t fix anything that happened to me. I can’t...make it go away. But I can make sure no son or daughter of mine is exposed to what I was. That they’ll always know who their mother and father are. That we’ll both be there for them. If that’s not what you want...perhaps you should give custody of the child to me.”
Her entire body recoiled at the thought. “No. I would never give up my baby.”
“You said yourself you aren’t sure how you feel about it.”
“Because I’m afraid. Because I know what a huge responsibility it is! Because I don’t want to...raise a child who grows up like me and I don’t know how not to do that. How to protect a child without smothering them. How to guide them without making them feel like their choices are all bad....how to protect them when they genuinely are being an idiot. I don’t even know who I am, Alex. How am I supposed to deal with the life of another human being?”
“With me,” he said, his voice rough.
“No offense, but I’m not sure adding screwed up to screwed up is going to equal anything more than a mess.”
She turned and walked out of the room, her chest swollen, her body aching.
She didn’t know how to fix this. She didn’t know what she wanted. Right now she could hardly remember how to breathe.
CHAPTER NINE
IT HAD BEEN TWO WEEKS since Cannes. And two weeks since they’d last had sex. And Alex was pretty sure his head was going to explode, if parts farther south didn’t first.
He had no idea how to reach her. He’d never wanted to reach a woman before, not in any way beyond the physical. But Rachel... He wanted something more from her. Without having to give more than was comfortable. Surely that wasn’t completely unreasonable.