by Gabe Hudson
I mean you really have to give it up to the demented reptilian bastard. Dr. Terrible definitely has the most boss lair of any professor on campus.
Anyway, so Dr. Terrible was still hanging upside down from the ceiling with his wings closed, but now he had both yellow eyes open and he was staring like a fiend at Idrixia lying atop all that gold. And he had a little string of drool dangling from the corner of his black beak.
Now the moment I saw my scaly grandpa’s upside-down beak all lit up in that creepy way, I got a weird feeling in my belly.
And my horns started tingling like crazy.
Then Dr. Terrible dropped down from the ceiling and he landed like a cheetah and when his green webbed feet hit the ground all those gold coins and gems and bones splashed up in the air. His notorious red cape made a sharp snap sound before settling on his back between his leathery wings, which were slightly extended and definitely kind of puffed-up looking.
My grandpa sauntered over on his muscular haunches and clutched Idrixia’s talon in greeting. “Weak Sauce, what an incredibly beautiful dragoness you brought with you! Idrixia, is it?”
Idrixia, still lying on her back on top of all that gold, giggled. “Dr. Terrible,” she said. “So glad to finally meet you.” Then she got up from the ground and stood there on her haunches, gazing at Dr. Terrible and panting.
And so right there in his lair, while he was still clutching Idrixia’s talon, he got down on one haunch and purred: “Forgive my impulsiveness, my dearest Idrixia! But I am suddenly overcome by a feeling I have never experienced in all my six hundred and eighty-four years. I feel as if I have just this moment started living. It’s as if your beauty and the presence of your spirit has magically awakened me from a deep slumber. So tarry no more will I!”
Then my scaly green grandpa pulled this mega diamond ring off his utility belt and gently placed it on Idrixia’s middle claw. “My dear Idrixia, would you do me the honor of being my Queen? I do believe you are the dragonette to lay my next clutch of eggs. Will you be mine, my dearest Drixy?”
Drixy?! At that moment it felt as if my giant heart were made of glass and Dr. Terrible’s words were a hammer, smashing my heart into a thousand little pieces.
Now, to my ever-loving shock, Idrixia got this dreamy look on her scaly green face and she flapped her leathery wings and then she tittered and whispered, “Yes.”
And when she accepted Dr. Terrible’s marriage proposal, she ripped my heart out.
I couldn’t understand how she could do such a thing to me.
Though I reckon it probably didn’t hurt that when Dr. Terrible proposed to Idrixia he promised her, if she agreed to marry him, that he’d have a new planet built entirely out of gold and that he’d name the planet Idrixia II and then give it to her as a gift. Then he waved his powerstaff and a 3-D holophoto appeared in the air, displaying the gold planet he intended to build for her.
“Just say the word,” he purred. “And I’ll have my engineers start working on Idrixia II right away. And your solid gold planet will be finished in a couple hours. We can go visit it tonight, while we’re on our honeymoon. Think of it like a dowry, only a reverse dowry. Immense wealth passing from me to you.”
So as I stood there in my scaly grandpa’s boss lair I could feel my jumbo heart crank up in my chest and I knew I had to get out of there directly because I was about to faint. And so without saying a word I abruptly turned and walked out the door and flew straight to my lair and crawled into my nest and stayed there with the sheets pulled way over my head for the whole next week.
Now I never told anybody this but during that week I spent in my lair, my BIOCON LEVS dropped dangerously low.
My FIRESTREAM BLAST RADIUS dropped to TepidTorch.
My SCALE DENSITY & LUSTER plummeted to RockStopper.
I remember at one point, there under the sheets, I checked my Cadet Profile and my WILL TO POWER rank had dropped to ThrashBait. That’s how heartbroken I was.
So when Dr. Terrible stole my Idrixia away from me, I nearly died of a broken heart, literally.
Because if your WTP drops to zero, then you die. End of story.
Then a week later, on Friday, when I finally crawled out of my nest and left my lair, ATHENOS II the spaceship was waiting for me in the lava pits right outside my dormitory.
On Friday, I would’ve normally gone to see Dr. Terrible for my weekly session. It had already been one week since he’d stolen Idrixia away from me. But I was all through with my scaly grandpa and his fool Institute.
Because while lying in my lair all week and crying and feeling sorry for myself, I promised myself that I would never go back. No matter what.
I was through with that degenerate Dr. Terrible and his stupid sessions. Because I didn’t see how stealing my Queen and treating me like a putrid nasty thing was going to help me develop my WILL TO POWER.
Anyway, when I walked by ATHENOS II that morning, she said: “Cadet Gork The Terrible, I have an important letter here for you.”
Then a hideous green fleshy tentacle shot out of the spaceship and zoomed over to me, clutching an envelope.
Now I’m not a dummy. I mean I figured this spaceship and the envelope she was holding out to me with her muscular green tentacle that morning had something to do with that bastard Dr. Terrible and my stolen Idrixia. I may be stupid but I’m not that stupid. But even after spending a week in my lair sulking in my nest, I was still so pissed off and heartbroken about Idrixia that part of me wanted to just walk away and ignore the stupid letter.
And so that’s exactly what I did.
I walked away and ignored the letter.
“Come on, Gork,” said ATHENOS II, as the glistening green tentacle followed me and held the envelope several inches in front of me that morning. “Just read the letter.” And no matter which way I turned or how many times I tried to run away, that demented tentacle always managed to keep several inches in front of me, dangling the envelope right in front of my beak.
So finally I growled, “Give me that stupid thing,” and then snatched the envelope away and tore it open and stood there reading it:
Dear Gork,
I am writing you from my lair here at the Institute. I hope someday you will return to finish your WILL TO POWER session which you so rudely walked out of last week, because I think I could cure you just like that (I’m snapping my claws right now).
We could grow those horns and shrink that jumbo heart of yours. We could also make it so you stop fainting all the time like a big fat wussy. But that’s a matter to be discussed on another occasion.
Now let me address the elephant in the room. Idrixia. First off, I want you to know that I am not sorry for stealing Idrixia away from you last Friday and marrying her. Because my name is Dr. Terrible and this is what we Terribles do.
We act terrible.
Now if it’s any consolation, when I was your age my grandpa stole the love of my life away from me and married her. And so I only want you to know that I feel your pain.
But I also laugh at it, because I am terrible.
And I am sure that right now you’re feeling a lot of raw and jagged emotions but I would ask that you not let your heart turn icy with hate for me, your loyal and dutiful legal guardian.
Though the truth is I guess I really don’t care if you do.
For as I write this my heart is singing because I am in love for the first time in hundreds of years. And perhaps it will comfort you to know that while Idrixia is technically my forty-eighth Queen, she is without a doubt my favorite.
So far anyway. Ha-ha!
Just kidding.
No seriously, she’s definitely my favorite!
As a gesture of consolation I am sending you this spaceship, ATHENOS II. I built her myself. And ATHENOS II is the prized spaceship from my fleet and it is with a deep sense of sadness that I part ways with her. For ATHENOS II has led me through many exciting adventures across the foamy universe.
I think you will find th
at ATHENOS II is a loyal friend and servant. She can help you with your fainting problem. She will also work with you to find a way to somehow boost your BIOCON LEVS.
Because remember it is what’s on the inside that counts. So focus on growing your WILL TO POWER, and your horns will follow.
Now I expect ATHENOS II will be of great assistance as you somehow try to find yourself another dragonette for EggHarvest. If that is even possible, I don’t know. Because it seems like any chick you get is really just using you as a way to get to me. Though you really can’t blame them, the chicks I mean. I am after all the infamous Dr. Terrible. Impossible to resist, really.
Now please take good care of my dear sweet ATHENOS II, and I can promise you that in turn she will do the same for you.
I remain your devoted legal guardian,
Dr. Karzakus The Terrible, M.D., Ph.D.
Distinguished Research Professor
Institute of Advanced Biokinetics and Neuroanatomy
WarWings Academy
P.S. Idrixia says hi! She’s lying right next to me here in my nest. We are still technically on our honeymoon. Ha-ha! I am so terrible. (:
P.P.S. I have also enclosed a canister of my newest invention, GrowGrow® gel. I devised this GrowGrow® gel just for you and your horns. This is customized medicine. Spritz this gel on your horns at least three times a day, and you should see significant horn growth within a week or so. If we don’t find a way to get those horns of yours to grow in the next couple months, then no chick is ever going to be your Queen and mate with you for EggHarvest. Trust me, even Idrixia said she never would have left you if your horns had been a normal size. (:
P.P.P.S. Please stop calling my campus lair phone # every ten minutes in hopes that somehow you’ll be able to reach Idrixia. And if, as you recently told me over the phone, you’re truly calling because you have an actual emotional emergency, well then we can discuss your so-called emergency during our next weekly session. Which I have taken the liberty of scheduling for next week at our usual time. See you then, Friday afternoon at 1:00 P.M. (:
P.P.P.P.S. I’m sorry about all these smiley faces, though the truth is I just can’t help myself. I may be terrible, but I am also very happy!
[ 15 ]
NOW LET ME GET BACK TO THE MAIN STORY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT, IN TERMS OF HOW THIS ROBOT TRENX IS SAYING THAT DR. TERRIBLE JUST GAVE HIM A NEW SPACESHIP CALLED ATHENOS III
So now you understand why my belly twists up into painful knots when Trenx tells me that the spaceship Dr. Terrible gave him is named ATHENOS III.
“Did Dr. Terrible say anything else about me?!” I shout. “What about me?!”
“Well…there was one thing, now that you mention it. When I told Dr. Terrible I was friends with his grandson Weak Sauce, he seemed really surprised. And your grandpa said that you, Weak Sauce, had never mentioned my name before and that he had no idea we were pals. I thought that was a little weird and my feelings were kinda hurt.”
And at that moment I’m thinking:
You need to tell Trenx the truth. You need to tell Trenx that Dr. Terrible is using him to get to you somehow, and it won’t end well. He’ll end up with his silver head mounted on the wall. That’s probably why Dr. Terrible gave him those big horns, anyway. So they’ll look good mounted on his wall. Oh God. That’s it.
“Listen buddy,” I say. “There’s something I need to tell you. I think you might be in big trouble. And I don’t want you to get hurt. Now the thing you need to know is that Dr. Terrible—”
Trenx cuts me off and blurts out: “But then I talked it over with Dr. Terrible and I realized that as small as my horns were before, I guess I couldn’t really blame you for not wanting to claim me as a friend. And your grandpa said now that the tables were turned, he wouldn’t blame me one bit if I didn’t want to be friends with you anymore.”
He can’t even hear you.
Those horns have changed him.
He can’t even pick up your frequency anymore.
Then my train of thought is interrupted by the sound of the Datalizard’s voice, and he’s saying, “…and your grandpa said he’d given up hope on you.”
“Given up hope on me?”
“Well, to earn your WarWings. Your grandpa said there’s no way that you could get a chick to be your Queen for EggHarvest. Not with those horns of yours being so puny. He said your main problem was that you don’t have any WILL TO POWER.”
Now my scaly green ass is practically seeing lava when I hear this. “I already had a Queen for EggHarvest! Her name was Idrixia, but then Dr. Terrible stole her away and—”
Trenx holds up his metal talons with his palms facing me. “Dr. Terrible told me all about it and he had no idea what a gigantic pity party you were going to throw for yourself. Not that it would have stopped him. And by the way, I don’t know if you know, but your grandpa already divorced that dragonette.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, fool, he divorced Idrixia. Said he loved her and all but he just couldn’t stand the idea of getting your sloppy seconds.”
“But we never even mated!”
“Whatever, fool. Not my deal. Dr. Terrible said he moved Idrixia to some gold planet or something, so of course she’s set for life.”
Now my mind is pinwheeling and I am not able to process everything I’m hearing. I figure for sure I’m going to faint. Because I’m seeing yellow spots swimming through the air all around me. And whenever I see those yellow spots swimming like that, well it’s a surefire sign that I’m about to black out.
When you see the yellow spots, this is when you need to start looking around at the floor. And maybe if you’re lucky you can sort of aim yourself for a soft spot before you faint.
But as I glance at the floor, all I see are this machine Trenx’s silver webbed feet with his titanium toe claws sticking out.
Please God no matter what else happens don’t let me faint right on top of the robot’s webbed feet.
“So is it true?” says Trenx.
“What?”
“That you can’t get a chick to be your Queen for EggHarvest.”
Runcita.
My Queen Quest.
Where is my Queen?
How the heck have I let myself lose sight of my goal?
What an idiot I am!
Now all the noise and chaos in the hallway from the other dragons shouting and whatnot comes rushing back into my earholes at a sonic volume.
Like a chump, I’ve lost track of time.
How long ago exactly was it that I sniffed Runcita’s presence in front of her locker, and her essence shooting up my nasal passages felt like a sweet kick to the brain?
I don’t know.
Because I’ve been blindsided by Trenx’s demented black horns and temporarily reduced to a blob of quivering green scales.
No more, though. Now I’m back in reality.
So I turn away from the Reptilizoid and scope the area. I try to catch a glimpse of Runcita across the hall where she was squatting a few minutes ago, jabbering with her repulsive dad, Dean Floop.
But she’s gone.
And the Dean is gone too.
So without saying another word to the robot, I flap my wings and take off flying down the corridor.
Where is my Queen?
I flap my wings and zoom down corridor after corridor, looking for any sign of Runcita.
I’m waving my snout back and forth, trying to pick up her luscious scent.
Thwack-thwack.
Here in the corridor there are hundreds of cadets flying on both sides of me and beating their wings. And some of them are flying in the opposite direction and rocketing right at me. The air is choked with fiendish flying dragons and firebolts and flamestreams and blacksmoke and skulls being playfully swatted around. It’s ghastly.
I check my powerstaff and see my FLIGHT SPEED at 78 MPH. I’m making good time.
Now I’m kicking myself for letting that robot blindside me like that and making me lo
se track of my Queen Quest. And I still can’t get over Trenx’s new mega horns. And the fact that they’re a gift from that scaly bastard Dr. Terrible definitely leaves a sour taste in my beak.
Thwack-thwack.
I flap my wings and turn down another corridor.
Thwack-thwack.
Although I have to admit that part of me is happy to hear that the demented fool Dr. Terrible is alive and doing well and up to his old ruthless shenanigans. But I still didn’t understand how Dr. Terrible could see fit to bestow a pair of big black horns on a Datalizard like Trenx and not to his own grandson, his own scales and blood.
I mean really I should take it as a compliment if Dr. Terrible went to so much effort to try and hurt me, right? Because that means I’m on his mind. And if I’m on his mind then that means he cares, even if he has a twisted way of showing it. The sonuvabitch surely cares about me if he’s going through so much trouble to try and mess with my head like this.
So as I zoom along through the air I have to chuckle to myself, thinking about how that Dataworm Trenx is such a fool because he doesn’t even realize that he’s being used as a tool in Dr. Terrible’s diabolical scheme to get at me.
But the feeling of comfort fades fast.
Because Trenx is the bastard with the gigantic horns and the killer WILL TO POWER score. And my scaly green ass doesn’t have doodly-squat. And the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. And then I change my mind about feeling glad that Dr. Terrible is OK.
Because now I know I want for the rotten bastard to be not OK, and that I’m going to make it my business to make sure he ends up that way. I’ve got a bad case of Dr. Terribleitis, but now at least I know what the cure for my ailment is.
So right then and there as I fly along the corridors of WarWings, I promise myself that I’ll make it my business to find out where Dr. Terrible is hiding and then I’ll rat him out. Because after I find out where Dr. Terrible is hiding, I’ll go and tell Dean Floop and give him the exact coordinates. I’ll hand him that dragon Dr. Terrible gift-wrapped with a ribbon on top. So that Dean Floop can catch my scaly grandpa and make him stand before the Council of the Elders for the charge of treason.