by Lane, Cheryl
Ethan went on to say that he had met “Jeff” in the Battle of the Wilderness in 1864. They fought out the rest of the war together and Jeff even came home to meet the family on his way home to City Point. Ethan hadn’t seen him since then.
“You met him, too. Twice. Do you remember?” he asked. “The first time was when I came and took you back to Edgewood with me. He was one of the soldiers with me there. You also met him after the war when Mother had a big gathering for all those who returned from the war, and Jeff was with me then. He had blonde hair.”
Perhaps that was why he seemed familiar to me. As a matter of fact, that must have been when he’d tried to kiss me, the memory I had the last time I saw him. My stomach was turned in knots over all of this. I wanted to tell Ethan about meeting Jefferson – Jeff – while I had been away, but I was afraid to. Would he be angry with me for keeping secrets? Would he be suspicious? Especially when he found out Jefferson had my ring.
Ethan told me that when he brought Jeff home with him, he recognized his father, Edward, from the war. He had apparently known Edward but thought he was a Yankee. Ethan wondered why Jeff would have thought Edward was a Yankee. That didn’t make sense. It turned out that Jefferson was actually a Yankee. Edward had discovered that he had been a spy, that he was actually from East Tennessee and a Unionist, and had been sharing secrets with General Grant.
“I don’t know what became of him after the war, but he must have come back for revenge. After all we had been through in the war, I had no idea he had been a damn Yankee!” He wiped his face. “I apologize. Please forgive my outburst.” He controlled his anger. “I’m so distressed that he tried to shoot you, Madeline. I had no idea your life was in danger. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you again.” He hugged me tighter and kissed my head again.
We were quiet through a lot of the drive home then. I thought about Jefferson. I knew I had to come clean about him or I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I didn’t want to keep any more secrets between me and Ethan. It wasn’t fair to him. After all, I knew about him and Elizabeth. I hoped he wouldn’t be angry with me. The thought of hurting him devastated me.
“Ethan, I have something I have to tell you.” I took a deep breath.
“What is it?” he asked, looking over at me a moment, then back at the road.
“I met Jefferson in City Point while I was living with the Washingtons.” I let that sink in for a moment.
“You what? You met Jeff?”
“Yes. In the marketplace.” I took my time and told him the whole story, from beginning to end, how I ended it. I also told him that the time when I got the memory of his voice was when I saw my wedding ring. “I knew that Jefferson could never make me happy the way the person with that voice had made me happy in my past. I couldn’t remember you, but I wanted to find you so desperately.” I smiled at him, but then the smile left me. “But Ethan, he has my wedding ring, and I have no idea how he got it.”
Ethan pulled the carriage over to the side of the road and halted the horses. He turned to me and took me in his arms for a long while. I felt tears come to my eyes, sorry that I had to tell this man who had been my husband that I had spent time with another man. I thanked the heavens that I didn’t marry Jefferson, that I had waited for the one I felt I was meant to be with. Finally, Ethan pulled back from the embrace and pushed a loose tendril of my hair away from my face and wiped my tears away.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with Jeff and all his lies,” he said. “It makes me sick to my stomach that he tried to court you. But the fact that you felt something for me, heard my voice in your head, it touches my heart. I’m sad that he has your wedding ring – and we will get it back, I promise you – but if not for that ring, you wouldn’t have had that memory of me. So for that, I am grateful.”
He then took my chin in his hand and gently kissed me on the mouth. It was short but so very sweet. He took the reins again and pulled back onto the road. I sighed in relief and realized how lucky I was to have such a wonderful man who genuinely cared about me. He could have been angry or suspicious but instead he was considerate and sympathetic about everything I had told him about my interactions with the man who had betrayed him, his family, and the South.
Chapter 10
Love Reborn
That evening, I was in my room changing for supper when I heard a light tap on the door.
“Madeline?” It was Clarissa. I opened the door, and she rushed into the room, all smiles, asking how the day went.
“It was very nice until I got shot at,” I said. I told her the whole story about the man that Ethan was in the war with, and also about how I had met him when I was staying with the Washingtons. Her eyes got big when I told her about Ethan chasing the guy but unable to catch him.
“I remember him. You could’ve been killed. I’m so glad you’re both safe,” Clarissa said with concern. “Did you get really upset? Do you need to see a doctor? I could have Doc Parsons come over and give you something for your nerves. I’d been meaning to have him come over since you arrived, seeing as how you lost your memory and all.”
“No, I’m fine, really, except for losing my memory. Ms. Washington had me examined by a country doctor when I was living with them, and the doctor just said that I would get my memory back if and when I was ready to.”
“Ah, I see. Well, maybe you’ll get it back the longer you’re around familiar surroundings and people. How did it go between you and Ethan?” she wanted to know.
“It was very nice. He’s wonderful. You’ve raised a fine gentleman.” I began to smile, thinking of the day we had spent, from our kiss by the river to our conversations by the lake and during the carriage ride, of his second brief kiss, of his bravery in Williamsburg, and of his empathy about Jefferson’s attentiveness towards me. “I got some more memories back, too,” I added.
“Oh, I’m so glad,” she said, hugging me. “Well, I’ll let you change for supper. See you in a bit, dear.”
I nodded as she left the room, smiling after her, grateful for someone to talk to. Clarissa made me feel part of the family. And somehow through all my muddled memories, I was glad to be a part of this family. I was falling in love and would do everything possible to stay here and be with him and his family. I couldn’t bear the thought of living without him now.
All through supper that night, Ethan and I exchanged glances and grins, and he even held my hand for a while under the table. I was right-handed, so when I held his hand with my right one, I had to hold my fork and eat with my left hand. I dropped food off of the fork more than once. It was very amusing. Lillie even laughed once, and Ethan struggled to keep a straight face.
Lillie Rose once again sat in her high chair by me on my other side. She placed one of her hands on my arm through the whole meal, while I stumbled to eat with that unfamiliar left hand. Elizabeth noticed what was going on and cleared her throat more than once, glaring at both me and Ethan. She even asked me to pass some potatoes to her, hoping I’d use that hand that was holding Ethan’s, but I just used the other hand instead to spite her.
Edward cut out early, saying he had business matters to go over in his study. Clarissa told us that the hired brothers, who ate in the kitchen with Cora and her girls, were making repairs to the chicken coop for the chickens I had brought with me. They had seen a fox earlier and wanted to make sure the chickens were secure.
Supper came to a close for the rest of us after dessert, and Cora scooted us away from the table so she and her girls could clean up. Clarissa managed to distract Elizabeth into the family sitting room.
“Would you like to take Lillie for a stroll with me down by the river?” Ethan asked me.
“Yes,” I answered quickly. “I’d love that.”
He readied a wicker baby carriage, put Lillie inside it, and picked up a lit lantern, in case it got dark before we made it back up to the house. We left through the river-front door and sauntered down the hill to the river. The sun was just going down,
painting the sky with rich reds, pinks and purples, which reflected on the water. It was breathtaking. Cypress trees dotted the shoreline, which were filled with large white herons. The crickets and frogs sang together in harmony a strangely beautiful melody. I was grateful to share this beautiful moment in nature with Ethan and Lillie.
We reached the dock at the bottom of the hill, close to the water, and then Ethan led us to the left through some trees to a bench identical to the one in the gazebo. We were well-hidden from the house. I recognized it as the same bench that he had mentioned earlier when I found him and Hannah together. He angled the baby carriage so that Lillie could look out over the water. I sat down on the bench, and he turned towards me and took one of my hands in his, kissed it, and bowed briefly. “How are you feeling this evening, Miss Madeline?” he asked, very politely, very formally, amusement in his eyes.
“Very well, thank you, kind sir,” I said, reflecting his playful formality.
He sat down beside me, still holding my hand. “Have you recovered from the afternoon’s adventures?”
“Oh, yes. I’m feeling quite well, as a matter of fact. I have this most handsome and brave man who’s trying terribly hard to woo me,” I said playfully, batting my eyelashes.
“Indeed, I am trying to woo you,” he agreed, smiling, and began playing with a loose tendril of my hair. Then he looked deep into my eyes, amusement gone. “I’ve missed you so much. You don’t know how happy I am to have you back.”
“I am happy to be here, Ethan. It’s been terrible for me, not knowing who I was for the past year. I haven’t felt right, haven’t felt complete, and sometimes I’ve felt lost…lost and alone, like something was missing. Now I know it was you,” I said, whispering the last part. “You and Lillie.”
Ethan kissed my hand again and then slowly leaned himself closer and closer to me and reached around to the left side of my face to kiss my ear. My heart started pounding. “Madeline?” he whispered softly into my ear, giving me chills.
“Yes?” I whispered back.
He kissed my cheek then. “May I kiss you?” he whispered.
“You already are,” I said, which made him grin.
“I think you know what I mean,” he said softly, looking into my eyes then.
“Yes,” I said breathlessly.
“Yes what? Yes, you know what I mean? Or yes, I can kiss you?” There was amusement in his eyes again.
I laughed, enjoying this. “Yes, kiss me,” I begged.
And then he did. He gently wrapped his arms around me and drew his lips to mine. I reached my arms around his waist, grasping his frock coat in the back. My heart pounded loudly inside, as if trying to get out. Those adult feelings took over me again in earnest. I kissed him back deeply. Our mouths moved slowly, leisurely. I forgot to breathe. Somewhere inside me, I felt our souls intertwine. I felt that closeness again that I’d longed for. I couldn’t remember feeling happier.
We paused for air, and I let my head rest on his chest. Lillie was cooing softly in the carriage, seemingly content.
“I’ve been waiting all day to do that,” Ethan said. He hugged me tighter.
I felt the same but started feeling guilty. “Ethan, something has to be done about Elizabeth,” I said. “I don’t feel quite right about doing this to her.” I couldn’t put her completely out of my mind, much as I wanted to.
“Don’t worry. I’m in the process of getting the marriage annulled so we can be together again. I love you, Maddie,” he whispered in my ear.
That took me by surprise, but it really shouldn’t. Hadn’t he told me before that he still loved me? Somehow, because I’d started getting more memories of him as a man and since I remembered our wedding day, it touched me more this time. I suddenly realized that I felt the same. I raised my head up to look at him. “Oh, Ethan. I love you, too. I don’t know how I could, but I do. It scares me to death because it’s all happening so fast, but I feel so happy when I’m with you, and like something is missing when we’re apart even for a minute. I didn’t expect to love with you so quickly, and yet it feels so easy, being with you, so natural. You’re not just the childhood friend I cherished anymore. You’re the man I long to be with.”
He squeezed me tighter against him. “Oh Maddie, it makes me so happy to hear you say those things. I long for you, as well, for us to be united as one again completely. I have not longed for another woman as I do for you, my sweet Maddie.”
At that moment, the wind picked up and blew around us. I had more visions, just glimpses – of me and Ethan riding horses while holding hands; of being in the gazebo with him, saying our vows; of living with him in this house, racing upstairs to those third floor rooms after supper to be intimate. I actually remembered what those rooms looked like.
“Ethan, I just remembered more things about us.” I told him my visions.
“I like those visions,” he said, pressing his forehead against mine. I felt his warm breath on my face. “With time, my love, we can be joined together again, never to be parted.” He looked into my eyes, held my face in his hands delicately, and gently pressed his lips to mine. My heart continued to flutter deep inside me.
He held me a moment longer, and then we started walking back up to the house. The sun had gone down and stars were coming out.
“I want you to know that I moved out of Elizabeth’s bedchamber the first day you came back,” Ethan told me. “Lillie, too. When I arise in the morning, I take her to Mother’s bedchamber. Elizabeth has never been comfortable around her, and Lillie has never been comfortable with her either, so Mother has been helping take care of her.” We kept walking up the hill slowly, taking our time. “I also want you to know that I have only had relations with her one time, the night of our wedding. Since you were honest with me about Jeff, I want to be honest with you about Elizabeth.” I was somewhat embarrassed to hear about his relations with another woman, not to mention being jealous, but it seemed to mean a lot to him for me to know this. He continued, “My heart has always been yours; I never gave it to her. Please understand that.”
Of course it hurt knowing that they’d had relations, even once, but I was glad he was being open and honest with me, and I was very glad I had also been honest with him. I squeezed his hand, which I had been holding. “I do. Thank you for being honest with me, Ethan.”
As we reached the river-front door of the manor, Ethan took a look at Lillie, who had fallen asleep. He let her stay in the carriage for the moment and pushed her towards the sitting room, motioning for me to follow. Neither one of us were ready to say good-night just yet, it seemed. I sat down at the piano while Ethan opened a window for a cool breeze. The dogs, Jack and Sally, came into the room and lay down by the cool window.
Somehow the keys on the piano beckoned me. I touched them with my fingers, testing some of the sounds they made, just playing around. Suddenly my fingers took off on a course all their own, and I began to play a classical piece. I must have known it by heart. I didn’t need any sheet music to go by; it just came to me. There were brief moments of a missing note, as I couldn’t play the missing key, but other than that, it was pretty nice despite not having played in a year.
Ethan turned and stared at me in amazement. He stood leaning against the open piano on the other side. I looked at my fingers occasionally and at Ethan the rest of the time. He smiled and shook his head.
“You’re playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata,” he said, smiling. “Did you know that?”
“Ah, yes. That’s the name of it,” I said, seeing the written musical notes in the foreground of my mind then. I closed my eyes and reveled in the music, and began to have another memory. There were guests at the house, in this very room. I was playing this song, and Ethan was watching a little girl playing with her doll on the floor. A lady named Catherine – Clarissa’s sister, I realized – had been sitting on the sofa. Actually, she was the blonde woman I’d seen at the New Year’s Eve party. So I had known her! She got up and took the little gi
rl by the hand and led her out of the room. My memory continued with Ethan, who rose and walked over and sat down beside me on the piano bench. We were alone then. He rubbed my back, slowly, and gently pushed back my loose hair away from my neck where he could plant a soft kiss. He planted another kiss at my earlobe, and another at my jawline.
I felt a jolt when I realized my vision had become reality, and Ethan really was sitting next to me on the piano, had really moved my hair and was really kissing my neck. I turned my head towards him and closed my eyes again, as he kissed me on the lips to the rhythm of my playing. I continued to play even as we kissed. I knew it all by heart without even looking at the keys, even though I missed a note here and there, distracted as I was by the kissing. I stopped playing at the end of the movement, and we wrapped our arms around each other, still kissing, the melody still playing in my head.
I heard something fall in the floor in a nearby room, which startled both of us out of our reverie.
“Oh my,” I whispered. “That was wonderful.” I hoped he knew I was referring both the piano playing as well as the kissing. It was so sensual, kissing while playing the slow romantic piece on the piano.
He squeezed my hand. “Did you get another memory?” he asked.
“Yes, how did you know?”
“I could tell by the way you were smiling with your eyes closed. Tell me about it.”
“There was a blonde lady named Catherine and a little girl who had been playing in here, and they left the room, and then you sat down right where you are now and began kissing me, the way you did just now. You knew what I was remembering, didn't you?”
“I had a guess, yes. We spent many evenings like this. I could never resist you when you were playing the piano. You move me so. I’m so glad you remember how to play, and that you’re remembering more of our past together.”
“Catherine is your aunt?” I asked, running my fingers through his hair. I couldn’t seem to keep my hands off of him.