by Lane, Cheryl
Those happy memories didn’t last long. I cried inconsolably the whole night, cried to the point of retching. I felt like I was dying inside. I was heartbroken and could not imagine ever being happy again. I longed to go upstairs and be with Ethan, but, of course, I couldn’t. I had to let him make the decision, one way or the other. I wished with all my might that he would come and get me, take me in his arms, sweep my off my feet, and carry me upstairs to our bedchamber. I longed for it so much I could not stop crying, could not stop bawling. I cried well into the deep dark night. After all I had been through up till now, I had never felt more alone or more hopeless, not even when I didn’t know who I was. Sometimes knowing too much was worse than not knowing anything.
Sleep did not find me until exhaustion finally set in, around dawn.
Chapter 17
The Decision
I awoke in the late morning to Lillie crying. After realizing I wasn’t dreaming, I got up quickly, put on my scarlet robe, cinching it tightly, and headed out down the hallway. Her cries were coming from upstairs, the third floor. I paused for a moment, not knowing what to do. I didn’t think I was ready to face Ethan yet, but I didn’t want Lillie to cry when I could help her with whatever she needed. If Ethan were up there, she wouldn’t be crying, so that meant she needed someone. I decided to put her needs before my own and headed up the stairs to the next floor.
I found Lillie in the nursery, standing up in her bed, crying her little lungs out. When she saw me, she stopped crying and reached for me. Her little cheeks were red and wet from her tears. I picked her up and held her close to me, rubbing her back.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart? Where’s your father?” I looked through the open door to the bedchamber, but Ethan was not in there. I pulled her back enough to look at her, and she looked at me and smiled. She then picked up some of my loose hair and studied it hard. “Dada?” she asked.
I smiled, “Yes, where is dada?”
She looked up at me and said, “Ma-ma.” She had been calling me “ma” for several days now, and she finally said the whole word, “mama”. Did she know what that word meant? My heart swelled with pride. I nearly cried with joy.
“Yes, I’m your mama,” I said, happily. She drooled a little and then put her fingers in her mouth, and frowned. “Are you getting more teeth, little one?” I asked her.
I heard the floor squeak behind me, and turned to find Ethan watching us in the doorway. He was dressed handsomely in formal attire minus an overcoat, but he looked haggard.
“She called you ‘mama’,” he observed, smiling tentatively.
“Yes, she did. Hello, Ethan.” I looked back at Lillie, not comfortable looking at him more than necessary.
“I was just coming up to get her when I heard her stop crying,” he said. I glanced up at him. He fidgeted with his waistcoat buttons, not looking at me.
“Oh, I’m sorry for coming up here. I woke up and heard her crying and came up to see what was wrong. I think she’s teething.”
“Oh, really?” he asked, walking closer to us. I sucked in my breath as he got closer. He smelled like he’d been outdoors. He opened Lillie’s mouth and looked at her gums while I looked at his sideburns, his beard, and his disheveled hair, despite myself. “Yes, I think you’re right. I see one coming in right there,” he said, turning my attention back to Lillie. “It must hurt. Perhaps we should give her some paregoric or cocaine drops.”
“Where’s your mother?” I asked him. Normally, Clarissa took care of Lillie during the day.
“She’s been taking care of Elizabeth,” he said, not looking at me. “She spiked a fever this morning, and Mother has been putting cool compresses on her, trying to get it to come down. I told her I’d take care of Lillie today.”
“Ethan, I can watch her, if you need to be doing something else.” I looked at him, trying not to show any emotion on my face, trying not to let him know how his closeness affected me, how much I wanted to be in his arms. I watched his eyes turn to look at mine.
“Actually, I was hoping we could go somewhere and talk,” he said. He wore a pained expression on his face. I quickly looked away, back at Lillie.
“Then who’s going to watch Lillie?”
“We can take her for a stroll, if you’d like. Have you had anything to eat yet?”
I looked back at him. “No, I—I’m not hungry.” He looked down at the floor. “A stroll might do me good,” I told him.
He looked up at me again and reached his hand towards me like he wanted to touch me, but he turned his attention to Lillie instead and touched her cheek. “How about it, Lillie Rose? Would you like to go for a ride in the baby carriage?”
I went back upstairs to change, putting on my corset, crinoline, blouse and skirt, stockings and shoes. I wondered if Ethan had noticed how casual I had been, just having rolled out of bed like I did, no proper dress, no shoes, and hair loose and wild. Had I been a temptation to him at all? I pinned my hair up into a bun while I thought about that, and then went downstairs to join Ethan and Lillie. They were waiting at the river-front door. I noted that the sitting room door had been closed; I was glad. I didn’t want to see Elizabeth, not until I knew what Ethan had to say to me, if he had come to a decision.
We walked quietly as Ethan pushed the carriage. He brought a basket so we could pick some blackberries while we were out. The blackberries were over on the other side of the vegetable garden and sunflowers. We took the tiered path down towards the river and then turned down a path on the left towards the vegetable garden.
We walked around the garden, past a few sunflowers till we reached the blackberry patch. Before picking any berries, though, Ethan suggested that we walk down to the river so we could talk in privacy. I left the basket on the ground by the blackberries and followed him to a path which led into some thick trees, past the path to the family graveyard where Godfrey was buried, along with other relatives that used to live on this plantation. The tree-lined dirt path sloped down to the river off to the left around the graveyard hill.
Once we reached the bottom, Ethan spread out a blanket from Lillie’s carriage for us to sit on. I was nervous, worried about what Ethan would say and what his decision would be, if he had come to one. What if he didn’t choose me? My stomach gurgled inside.
“I’m sorry you didn’t sleep well last night,” he said, looking at my face.
“Is it that obvious? Do I have dark circles?” I instinctively touched my face.
“I heard you crying.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Well, actually I had hoped he would hear me and come to me, but I couldn’t tell him that.
“It broke my heart to hear you cry. I’m sorry to have caused you so much pain, especially after all you’ve had to endure already.” He looked out over the water for a moment. “I’ve done nothing but think all night. I couldn’t sleep either, especially hearing you cry. You don’t know how badly I wanted to go down there and comfort you, carry you back upstairs with me.” So, he did want to…he just didn’t.
“I should apologize, too,” I said. He looked at me quickly. “I shouldn’t have said what I did, shouldn’t have gotten so angry at you.”
“You have every right to be angry with me. I understand completely. I betrayed you when I married Elizabeth, even though I didn’t know you were still alive at the time. I consummated that marriage, and now I’m paying for it. These are the consequences of my actions. Life can be unfair sometimes. If I hadn’t married Elizabeth, you and I could be a normal married couple again now. A normal family with our child, Lillie.” I felt tears come to my eyes as I watched him and listened.
“As it is, I have two wives and soon two babies. That’s just not right. I have to choose between you. Some men might think I was a fortunate man to have two women who loved me, but I only see it as heart-wrenching. As I said before, I love only you, Maddie. You’re the only wife I will ever want. But now I have another child, who is part of me…and my responsibility
.” He shifted his legs and looked out over the water again.
“I contemplated sending Elizabeth out to live with my aunt Catherine in Bellwood, but if she did, I’d never see my child again. I can’t do that to the child. It would grow up not knowing who its father was. Also I don’t want the child to live in shame of not having a father. Everyone would hate the child. I couldn’t live with that, knowing I could prevent it.”
I had to admire him for being noble and taking responsibility, but that meant he had chosen Elizabeth over me. I felt more tears at that realization. He caught a tear that dripped onto my cheek with his finger. I closed my eyes at his touch. Oh, how I longed for him. My heart was breaking all over again.
“I don’t know if I can survive without you,” he said. I opened my eyes again. His face was very close to mine. “I didn’t realize what an effect our…intimacy…would have on both of us emotionally. It was selfish of me to love you in that way, knowing that Elizabeth was carrying my child, but I couldn’t stop myself. I had longed for it for so long. The whole year while you were gone, I longed for you, mourned for you. When you came back again, when you finally remembered who I was and how much we loved each other, I didn’t want to hold back any longer. I had wanted to wait until we were married again, but then I found out about Elizabeth, and I knew it might be our only chance. I had to touch you again…to love you again. As I said yesterday, I don’t regret a minute of it, but it seems to have made it all the harder to let you go, now that I have decided to do just that.”
I looked away, tears rolling down my face in earnest now. I put my hands up to cover my face. I tried to be strong, but I just couldn’t. He put his arms around me, pulled me against him, and kissed the top of my head. I buried my face against his chest and clung to his waist coat. I couldn’t stop the tears; my body shook. He had chosen her over me. He was going to send me away. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I had cried all my tears last night, that I couldn’t feel any more depressed. I was wrong. Now that I knew his decision, I was even more devastated. Perhaps it wasn’t proper conduct for him to hold me like this, now that we no longer married and were not ever going to be married again, but I let him. It was the least he could do, having broken my heart the way he did. I wanted to be held by him. I wondered how I could change his mind. What could I do? If I thought it would change his mind, I would have consummated our love again right here by the river, in front of God and all outdoors.
Lillie must have sensed that we were upset, as she started crying. I pulled myself from Ethan’s arms reluctantly and got up to take Lillie out of her carriage. I brought her back to sit on my lap next to Ethan. She quieted and looked at both of us. She touched my wet face with her little hand. It seemed like she understood what I was feeling. She laid her head against my bosom and began sucking on her fingers, looking at Ethan.
Ethan hugged both of us, his face pressed up against mine, and I felt his own tears on my cheek. I reached up with one of my hands and wiped his tears from his cheek and beard. He kissed my hand. We sat together, the three of us, for a long time. I hated the thought that it was perhaps the last time we would sit together like this as a family.
Finally, Ethan moved away from us and spoke again. “I think maybe it would be best if you went to Jonas’ house…soon. With Elizabeth’s fever, I’m worried about her losing the baby. The doctor said she needed to avoid stress. I think maybe she heard you crying in the night, and perhaps that upset her enough to cause her fever.”
That comment made me angry again. So he thought it was my fault she had a fever? I really could care less. It wouldn’t bother me a bit if she lost the baby. That would make things easier for me. I knew it was selfish to think such horrid thoughts, but I didn’t care. She and that baby were the source of all my problems. If it weren’t for them, Ethan and I would be happily married by now. I didn’t even care that the child was part of Ethan.
“So, you’ve made your decision, then? You want me to leave, and you’re staying with her?” I asked acidly, not looking at him, feeling bile rise from my stomach. I already knew the answer, but I wanted him to know how upset I was.
He was quiet, and so I looked over at him, seeing the pained expression on his face. He nodded. “I’m sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever know.”
“I’m going to want to see Lillie,” I said firmly. I softened my voice. “Could she come with me to live at my brother’s? I am her mama.”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea. She is used to living here with us, and you’ve only been here almost a week. She still doesn’t know you as well as she knows us. She might not adjust well moving to another home.”
“How can you say that when you see how well she has taken to me?” I was getting inpatient again.
“Madeline, please. I’m trying to do the right thing here. I will make sure she sees you every day, I promise.”
Not listening, I continued ranting. “You’re going to let Elizabeth raise both of your children? She’s not done a very good job with Lillie. Do you think she will continue to take good care of Lillie once her own baby arrives? I’ll tell you the answer to that…no, she won’t! I wouldn’t either, if I were in her place. A mother loves her own child more than any other. Elizabeth won’t give her the love and care she deserves. She can’t even hold Lillie, as it is.”
“You’re only going to be right up the road, Madeline. She can get her mother’s love and attention from you…the one she deserves to get it from. And she’ll also get it from me and from my mother. Do you think she has been neglected while you were gone? Do you think we have let her starve or ignored her? We haven’t. We love her, too.”
I softened my voice somewhat but said bitterly, “This is all very convenient for you. You get to be with both of your children.”
He said nothing. I looked over at him, realizing that I’d hurt him. I could see my arguing wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I stopped. I looked away from him to gaze at the river, trying to think of an intelligent and mature way to handle this situation…this rejection.
“You have to know it’s not what I want, but I feel there is no other way, Maddie,” he said softly, taking my hand in his. “You have to know how much I love you. This is breaking my heart.”
I nodded at him, and hugged Lillie tight. “Could I keep her during the day at Jonas’ while you work?” That would have to be my compromise.
“Of course. That sounds like a good idea,” he agreed.
“How soon should I leave?” I asked, not looking at him.
“Soon,” he said quietly. “Perhaps tomorrow.”
I paled, feeling faint. I could not believe he wanted me gone so soon. It hurt deeply. Tears came to my eyes again. I swallowed and said, “Then I shall leave this evening before the sun goes down.”
My comment surprised him, for he looked at me suddenly. “Madeline, you don’t need to leave today. Give yourself time to…prepare.” His voice trailed off.
I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, so I stuck with my decision. “No, I want to leave today. That way, Elizabeth can have a good night’s rest.” Not that I really cared about that, but it was as good of an excuse as any for Ethan’s sake. Since he wanted me to leave, I didn’t feel I could get away fast enough. “And perhaps you will get a good night’s rest, as well.”
“I highly doubt that,” he said. He stood up, took Lillie from my arms, and placed her back in her carriage. He then started pushing it back up the hill, and I followed behind them. We walked in silence to the blackberry patch. Once we reached it, Ethan began picking blackberries. I placed the basket between us and started helping him pick. We worked in silence, pulling berries off the bushes, filling the basket. When it was full and our hands were purple, I picked up the basket to carry it back to the house.
Ethan walked over to Lillie’s carriage. She had fallen asleep. He turned back around and walked towards me. He reached for me to go into his arms, and even though I was reluctant at first, I put the basket down
on the ground and let him hold me one last time. He breathed deeply and exhaled slowly.
“I’m truly sorry, Madeline. I promised you that I would make you happy, and I have failed. But I also promised to love you and keep you safe, and I can still do those things, as much as it is in my power to do so. I will never stop loving you…that will never change.”
I nodded my head, and he kissed my forehead, and then he let go, not waiting for me to speak. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I always would, but he seemed to want the conversation to be over with. That was just as well. I didn’t think I could do it without breaking down again, without sounding desperate, or without upsetting him again. He had made his decision, and I had to learn to live with it. Instead of saying anything, I picked up the basket and trailed along behind him as he pushed Lillie’s carriage back over towards the house.
After dropping off the blackberries with Cora at the kitchen house, Ethan and I parted ways. He took Lillie into the sitting room to check on Elizabeth, and I went upstairs to Ethan’s old room.
I cried again, though tried to keep quiet so as not to disturb anyone. I longed to feel Ethan’s arms around me again, longed for it like breathing air. I felt alone again like I’d lost everything. My heart ached as tears streamed down my face and landed on my arm, as I lay on my belly across the bed.
I lay there thinking about things for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon. I missed dinner, not wanting to eat anyway. I wished with all my might I didn’t have to leave Ethan, Lillie, or this plantation, but I had no choice. I’d have to go live with my brother. I wasn’t sure I could bear the thought of living so close to the man I loved, living with another woman and having a child with her. Perhaps if I didn’t see him, it would make it easier. If I couldn’t have him, then I didn’t want to see him, at least not for a while. I decided to ask Clarissa to bring Lillie over to me instead of Ethan.