by Lane, Cheryl
“It will?” I asked, unbelieving.
He nodded. Sure enough, moments later, Lillie stopped crying, and looked like she felt better. I thanked William, who went back to work on the horse shoe. I took Lillie to find Catherine, who surprisingly was sitting on the carriage-side porch talking to Jonas in the cool shade. I smiled. Maybe those two would end up together yet.
Catherine told me to make a paste with baking soda and water and put that on the sting, and let her sit quietly. I did that, and we sat together in the parlor by an open window, while I read to her, listening to the cicadas in the trees outside. She fell asleep on my lap, and I took a nap, as well. I’d been taking more naps since my confinement. A little while later, I felt a calloused hand on my cheek and opened my eyes to Ethan’s wonderful smiling face. He had arrived to pick up Lillie.
“Hello, Mrs. Wellington,” he said quietly. I blushed at the use of his surname and smiled. For a moment, I was just lost in his eyes. I came back to earth when I realized he didn’t belong to me anymore, and I just sighed.
“Hello, Ethan.” I relayed to him what had happened to Lillie that afternoon. His demeanor changed at the mention of William and how he helped with the tobacco juice. I thought he was envious again. He said he wished he could have been the one to help her. He kissed Lillie’s forehead, and then he surprised me by kissing my forehead, as well. I longed for more, much more.
Lillie awoke and smiled brightly at her dada, showing him her arm. It was sweet, hearing her jabber and telling him what she did all day, as much as she could. I could imagine this same scenario in a different way, if we were still married…Ethan coming in from a day of working in the fields or working in his study, finding us, and exchanging stories of the day. Perhaps he would have been the one to help Lillie’s bee sting instead of William.
I felt sad once again when they both left, and yet I had to smile, as I reminded myself that I still had a little bit of Ethan with me growing inside and getting bigger every day.
After supper that evening, and another bout of heaving, I found myself alone in the dining room, cleaning up, when William approached me.
“Pardon me, Miss Madeline, but I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been doing a fair amount of heaving lately.”
I almost dropped the plate I was holding. I looked at him, my eyes widened. “I…I, well, yes. I must have a germ or something,” I said awkwardly. Could he know I was with child? Did he have any experience with that sort of thing? I didn’t even know if he’d been married before. He’d said he lost his family. Did that include a wife?
“I think you and I both know that’s not what it is,” his eyes steadied on mine. I swallowed and put the plate down on the table.
“Whatever do you mean?” His insinuation made me nervous.
Instead of answering my question or elaborating any further, he asked, “Would you care for a cup of tea made with ginger? It would help settle your stomach.”
I didn’t know quite what to say, but he appeared to be offering help, not accusations, and so I agreed to the tea. He left the room and came back shortly with a steaming cup of tea smelling of ginger and honey. I took the cup and saucer from him.
“I’ll handle the dishes tonight, Madeline. You should go rest and drink your tea.”
“All right. Thank you, Mr. Brown.”
“Madeline, we live and work together on this plantation, and your brother and your former husband are close acquaintances of mine. I would appreciate it if you could drop the formalities while we’re here on the plantation and call me by my Christian name.”
“I’ll take that into consideration.” I was never sure how to take his boldness.
I reluctantly let him clear away the table while I went into the parlor where Jonas and Ginny were reading a book together. William and Catherine joined us a short while later. I had finished the tea, and it did help with the nausea a little, more than I’d expected. I had not tried ginger tea when I had been confined with Lillie.
When William got up a couple of hours later to head over to the bachelor’s quarters, I walked with him to the carriage-side porch.
“I wanted to thank you for the ginger tea. It really helped. You must know a lot about herbal remedies.”
“Yes, ma’am. I learned a lot about them when I was in the war. I served with a Native American who taught me a lot about herbs and natural remedies, got me interested in it. Fact is, if I had the money, I’d go to William and Mary and study to be a doctor.”
“That would be wonderful…William. I hope someday you are able to do just that.”
“Thank you, Madeline,” he said, tipping his hat and heading over to the bachelor’s quarters.
We had another storm in September when it rained for days, causing some flooding around the plantations. This time it came when Lillie was at Wellington, and I couldn’t see her for a whole week. I couldn’t go over to Wellington – Catherine told me I shouldn’t ride on horseback in my early confinement – and I didn’t want to see Elizabeth anyway. We didn’t have a boat either. Thankfully, Ethan came over to Magnolia Grove every day after the worst of the storm was over, riding on Blackfoot, to check on us. On one of those visits, he mentioned again that I’d lost a lot of weight. Yeah, I thought, heaving several times a day will do that to a person. I’ve often wondered how a baby could survive with all that heaving, but then it had been the same way for Lillie, and she was a healthy girl now.
We were alone in the parlor. “You don’t look well,” he said. “Are you all right?”
I smiled; if he only knew. “Yes, I’ll be fine.” I’d be fine in a few weeks, when the heaving stopped.
“I apologize,” he said, frowning. “This is my fault.”
He couldn’t be more right. I swallowed and said, “Yes, it is.”
He looked shocked at my words. He was speechless for a moment, appearing to mull it over in his mind.
“It’s true…if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be in this condition, but there’s nothing you can do about it,” I said. I hadn’t meant to say that, but of course, he didn’t know the real meaning behind my words. He perhaps thought I meant that I was depressed enough to stop eating and thus lost weight.
“I had no idea you were taking this so hard, Madeline.” He looked frustrated. He ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, I can’t take care of everybody. You’ve just got to learn to live with this. There’s no other choice,” he lashed out.
It was my turn to be shocked. My jaw dropped, and I was speechless. I closed my mouth and looked away, feeling tears forming. Tears came easier during confinement.
“Madeline, I apologize,” he said, putting his hand on my arm. “I had yet another argument with Elizabeth this morning. She doesn’t take too kindly to me coming over here every day. She said I have seemed different ever since staying overnight here during the last storm. She even asked me if we’d had relations. I know it’s not really any of her concern, but I do have to try and get along with her.”
Although I didn’t want to hear about Elizabeth, it was nonetheless pleasing to know that they had argued and that she was jealous. I remained silent.
“Perhaps it would be better if I didn’t come to see you anymore,” he said. “I can see this has been hard for you, and I understand. I don’t want it to adversely affect your health.”
“No, please, I…I need to see you,” I admitted. I felt tears developing again. I knew he was right…it wasn’t good for me to see him every day, but I couldn’t help it. Ever since the night of the first storm and being in his arms again, the need intensified, especially knowing that I was carrying his child. I felt like I needed to see him every day for my sanity. I needed reassurance. I felt vulnerable being with child and more emotional.
“Are you certain?” he asked. “You’ve lost so much weight, and you were thin to begin with. I don’t wish to upset you further.”
I nodded. “I’ll be fine.”
He gently kissed my head. He still had a worr
ied expression on his face. I was sure he didn’t know what to make of my loss of weight and my urgent desire to see him every day, but again, if he thought about it long and hard, he could figure it out – the heaving, losing weight, being more emotional. He’d seen it all before, when I was carrying Lillie.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” he asked.
Yes, I thought, leave Elizabeth and come back to me. Instead, I shook my head. “Happy birthday, by the way,” I said. I had not forgotten about his birthday being on the fifteenth.
“Oh, you remembered. Thank you,” he said, smiling. “I don’t feel like celebrating my birthday this year. It doesn’t feel right, without you being a part of it. Mother is having a small gathering at the manor this evening. Do you remember those parties she always had for me?”
“Yes, I do.” His mother had always celebrated his birthday with a party of some sort, inviting all the local children, playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey, Blind Man’s Bluff, and Charades. As he got older, the parties became more age-appropriate, and musicians and dancing were involved as well as lots and lots of food in the richer days.
“I wish you could come,” he said, interrupting my memories.
“Me, too,” I said, looking down.
He ran his hand through his hair, as he did when he was nervous or frustrated.
“What is it, Ethan? Is something else bothering you?”
“It’s nothing.” He tried to dismiss the subject, but then looked at me again earnestly. “I…I had a dream from the war last night, that’s all.”
After first coming back from the war, after we were married, he would occasionally have nightmares of the war. He said they were horrible. He felt like he was there again, hiding in the trees, shooting where the smoke rose at dark blue trousers, smelling the stench of blood from his comrades that didn’t make it. He’d see the faces of boys and men he’d shot, coming back to haunt him. During the actual war, he’d recognized one of those boys he’d shot as being one of the Murphy boys from down the road. Ethan had been shocked to see he’d turned Yankee, but the boy came after him with a gun pointed at him, so he had to shoot him. He now haunted him in his dreams along with many others.
I had held him through the night when he’d had those dreams. We were often intimate after he calmed down, which was effective in taking his mind off his dreams and the war.
He had missed me last night.
“Oh, Ethan. I’m so sorry. How long has it been since you had one of those dreams?”
“A while. I had them a lot when you were missing, especially after you first disappeared. You were in those dreams. I dreamed that one of those Yankees found us that day in the grape arbor – the day I proposed to you – and did terrible things to you before raising his gun to your head.”
I closed my eyes, imaging how horrible that dream must’ve been. I took his hand and squeezed it. “How awful.”
“Last night, I dreamed I was hiding and waiting on the enemy, and you appeared in the foggy mist with countless Yankees behind you. You were smiling at me and didn’t realize they were behind you. Before I could react, I yelled for you to get down, but it was too late. The Yankees shot you right before my eyes.”
“Oh, Ethan, that’s terrible. I’m sorry you’ve had such awful nightmares.” I risked a needed hug, which he accepted, and we just held each other for a long moment.
“I fear for your safety constantly, Madeline,” he said. I could feel his warm breath in my hair. “And I’d be too far away to do anything about it.” We released our embrace.
“I’ll be fine,” I tried to reassure him, looking at him again. “I’ve got two strapping men here to watch out for me,” I said, trying to tease him. When he didn’t smile, I said, “I appreciate your concern for me, really I do.” I raised my hand up to touch his cheek. “I wish I could’ve been there to make you forget your dream last night.”
His sadness and concern quickly dissipated, and his eyes burned into mine, a reflection of my own intense desire. “So do I,” he said quietly. I swallowed hard. He blinked and came back to himself. “I apologize, but I must go,” he said, and he left the plantation abruptly.
During that same month, the harvesting of corn was fully completed, and Jonas, William and Sambo began prepping and planting winter wheat in the fields where the corn had been. It was after long days working in the field that I noticed Jonas and Catherine were found talking intimately and laughing on many occasions. I even observed them kissing more than once. They both began talking to me separately about falling in love with each other. Jonas even asked me what I thought about him asking her to marry him. I was delighted for them both. I envied their happiness, but they deserved every bit of it. Jonas would finally get a family like he wanted, and Catherine deserved to be happy again, too, after losing her husband. They started making plans for a wedding the following summer.
They had a small engagement party at the plantation, inviting a few close friends, including, of course, the Wellingtons, who all came except for Elizabeth. Everyone brought something to eat, and I made sure there were enough libations to go around. Ethan and I were polite to each other, but we kept our distance from each other in the company of others. It was hard to be social around him and remain aloof towards him when actually I had the opposite feelings. I tried hard not to look at him longingly across the crowded room, tried hard to not think about our own engagement party just after the war, anticipating our own wedding. I knew what Jonas must be feeling at this moment – the same feelings I had had around him just before I married Ethan. Only he had seen how giddy I was, anticipating my wedding day. If he was half as giddy as I had been, he’d be hard to live with till the next summer.
Chapter 26
The Hunter’s Moon
By October, I finally got over my queasiness and heaving and was able to enjoy my confinement more. I was four months along, and I started feeling the baby move around. It was joyous. I had forgotten how wonderful that felt. I was sad, however, that I could not share it with Ethan. I began to wonder when I would tell him about it. He would no doubt be angry with me for keeping it a secret, but how could I justify telling him when he had another woman also in confinement that he was caring for? So I decided not to tell him just yet.
We had no more intimate moments, no more kissing, and had been trying to keep our conversations light as much as possible. I sensed that he was trying to keep his distance because of his arguments with Elizabeth. I had to admire him for trying to keep both of us happy, by continuing to see me every day, for me, and by keeping a certain amount of distance, for her; but his distance made me sad.
Jonas and William took turns going out hunting or fishing with Ethan so that the ladies at Magnolia Grove would not be left at the plantation alone – Ethan insisted, and Jonas heartily agreed, for mine and Catherine’s sake. Ethan still worried about Jefferson showing up again, yet I had not seen him since the day he was at the stables at Wellington Cross. I thought about him very little, but still had hope of retrieving my ring someday, if I ever did see him again. When I did think about him, it made me angry to think that if Jefferson had been completely honest with me when we’d met, instead of telling me lies and trying to court me, he could have told me who I really was and brought me to Wellington Cross. Ethan would never have married Elizabeth, and we would have been happily together. If I ever did see Jefferson again, I might kill him. He’d tried to kill me, after all. It could be considered self-defense.
Wellington Cross had its hands full during October as they harvested their cotton. Ethan could not visit as much, as a result, and Clarissa and Hetty returned in the afternoons again to pick up Lillie. I missed Ethan terribly. The crops from both their vegetable gardens and ours were also harvested, and we stored what we could for the winter. There was going to be a Harvest Ball at Wellington around the end of the month to celebrate the harvest, after all the cotton had been bailed and sent by rail to Northern states. The ball wouldn’t be too fancy, since we
didn’t have much, but we would each bring our own dishes to share and celebrate the end of our hard work.
During the time of the Hunter’s Moon in the middle of October, Ethan and Jonas along with Sambo went out hunting all night when the moon was big, full, and bright. Catherine took a carriage over with Ginny to spend the night with her sister at Wellington Cross for a visit. That left William and me alone at Magnolia Grove.
We ate a light supper of leftovers together in the dining room, talking mostly about household mundane things, the hunting trip, and the nice cool weather we were having. We also discussed the upcoming ball and whether or not we would attend. We were all invited, and I wanted to go, of course, to see Ethan and Clarissa, and to enjoy eating again. Since I had finally gotten my appetite back and was able to finish a meal without heaving it back up afterwards, I was looking forward to it. Everything I ate now tasted wonderful.
There was only one problem…I did not want to see Elizabeth. We were still not on speaking terms, and I dared not think we ever would be. It would be difficult for me to see her dancing the night away with Ethan, his baby bulging in her abdomen.
“I could escort you, if you like,” William offered. “Maybe that would keep Miss Elizabeth from making a scene.”
“That’s a possibility,” I said. “Thank you for offering.”
“You know, it’s highly improper for us to be alone in this manor together, being unmarried and unchaperoned, but Ethan insisted that I stay and make sure you were safe. He said he tried to talk you into going to Wellington Cross with Catherine and Ginny, but you refused.”
“Yes, for the same reason I am hesitant about going to the ball…Elizabeth.”
“He still worries about Jeff finding you.” I looked at him across the table from me. “Yes, he told me all about Jeff. I didn’t know him myself. Ethan cares about you a great deal.” I nodded. “However, he is married to Elizabeth, and you are…with child, aren’t you? Is it his?”