by Skye Taylor
Staying busy was impossible. For a brief flurry, she’d devoted herself to preparing for the church fair, but all that was done now, and she was just waiting for the event to happen. Ben seemed to thrive on being up early and getting the boys off to school. He enjoyed fixing dinner and assumed it was his turn at least half the time. He still took care of his own laundry and ironed his own shirts along with Rick’s and Evan’s school uniforms. All of which left her wondering what her role in the family was anymore.
Meg had been to parents’ night at the boys’ school, and there had been carefully penned notes to her as well as Ben, but at home Rick always turned to Ben for help with his homework. To be honest, the first day Rick had asked her for help with his math, she’d been lost. Her! Marissa Ellen Grant, math champ four years straight in high school, and she couldn’t figure out what he was supposed to be doing on his second grade homework page. Ben had never been more than just average at math, but he seemed to get it.
Rick hadn’t asked for her help again.
Only Evan seemed to accept her back into his life as if she’d never been gone. Kindergarten didn’t have homework she didn’t understand. Life was a lot less complicated when you were only five.
Hoooooooonnnnnnnnk!
Meg jerked her attention back to the road. Heart thumping, she clamped her hands hard about the steering wheel and glared at the rearview mirror and the driver who had just leaned on his horn. A flood of adrenaline coursed through her body. Without even thinking about it, she assessed the traffic, checked her speed, knew she was where she should be, and knew she had been driving safely. What did this idiot want? The other car loomed ever larger in her rearview mirror.
She jerked the car onto the shoulder and jumped out, ready to tell the guy off. But he just swerved around her and continued on. She stood there, hands clenched and ready to fight. But there was no fight. More cars sped by, ignoring her as if nothing had happened.
Finally the effects of the adrenaline charge began to wear off. Now her legs felt shaky, and she leaned back against the fender of her car. The light but steady traffic on Route 17 continued to zip by her as she recovered from her out-of-control reaction to being honked at by an impatient driver wanting to pass. Finally, feeling steady again, she climbed back in her car, but instead of rejoining the flow of traffic, she pulled into the derelict, overgrown parking lot of a closed-down farm stand.
She’d been warned to expect a lot of things. Heart pounding alarm when someone slammed a door or a car backfired. The need to check behind herself frequently when she walked through a parking lot or stood at the ATM. Nightmares and waking up in a sweat, reaching for a rifle she no longer kept beside her cot. She thought she’d been coping okay with that stuff. But she hadn’t expected this well of bottled-up frustration that burst out of nowhere.
Like the way she’d gone after Ben when he got back from the fire yesterday afternoon. Anyone with eyes in their head could see the man was beyond tired. Her initial instinct had been to put her arms around him and hold him. But then she’d remembered the papers in her hand, and she’d ignored his exhaustion. She’d attacked him with questions when all he’d asked for was a shower and a nap.
She’d been angry, but she didn’t even know what she was angry about. And when he’d begged her to think about it, she’d flatly told him she wasn’t going to change her mind.
But she knew nothing about this service dog program. Meeting Ron at Jake’s wedding was the first she’d heard of it. She should have agreed to talk to Ron and Mike. She should have agreed to think on it at least. Just because looking at Kip filled her with despair and guilt didn’t mean that Ben’s idea wouldn’t be right for someone else.
Besides, Ben had always been careful about money. She’d been totally unfair to lash out about that. What was the matter with her? That rudderless raft she was drifting on appeared to be well armed with cannons with which to fire on any would-be rescuers. She had to get a grip.
THE DEBRIEFING WITH her CO had done nothing to clarify things in Meg’s mind. She’d ended up telling Colonel Jenks she hadn’t made up her mind about re-upping yet. In ten days she’d be reporting in to part-time duty again. Maybe by then she’d know what she was going to do.
Meg stood on the sidewalk juggling her car keys, debating whether or not to make a stop at the PX before heading home. There were things they could use, but she didn’t know if she wanted to cope with the crowded PX just now. It had already been an unsettling day.
“Hey, Lieutenant!”
Meg whirled to see Captain John Bissett limping toward her. Her heart jerked in recognition. The last time she’d seen him, he’d been strapped to a stretcher headed to Landstuhl, Germany.
He took off the cap he was wearing as he approached. “Good to see you. You’re—” He broke off to check her out. “Wow! You clean up nice.”
Before Meg could bring her hand up to a proper salute, he stuck his hand out.
“You’re looking pretty good, too.” She took the offered hand. It was as warmly enveloping as it had been when he was offering her solace after Scout died. She snatched her hand back and decided to salute after all. “How long since you got out of sick bay?”
Captain Bissett hesitated as if counting in his head. “Eight days. I was lucky. It wasn’t as bad as it looked. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing well, sir. I’m just—”
“Knock off the sir stuff, will you? I’m out of uniform and off duty. Besides, I thought we were friends.”
Butterflies fluttered in Meg’s gut. He was a friend, and she wanted to keep it that way. Memories of how that friendship had almost gotten off track and the fact that she’d not told Ben the whole truth about John was her guilt, not John’s.
“You headed straight home?” Bissett consulted his watch. “A few of the guys from our unit are meeting up for supper. It’ll be good to catch up and see how everyone’s doing.”
“Well, I—” She should head home. It was Ben’s pizza night so she didn’t have to cook, but they’d be expecting her.
The captain shook his head and looked disappointed. “I guess you have a ton of things you need to do. Maybe another time . . .”
Meg didn’t have a single thing she needed to do. That was the whole problem lately. With a spurt of defiance, she made up her mind.
“Where is everyone meeting up?”
“There’s a new place off base, but not far. Not so crowded, at least for now, and the food’s great. Where’s your car parked? If you want I can drive you to it or bring you back to get it after dinner.”
Considering her car was halfway across the base, she accepted his offer and climbed into his obviously new Corvette Stingray. “Nice car,” she said, running her hand over the leather seat. “This what you spent your combat bonus on?”
“It made a nice down payment. I needed something. My sister got the Camaro I used to drive when I deployed, so I didn’t have any wheels.”
“Didn’t care for a Humvee?” she asked. Meant to be a joke, but once said, not so funny. Too many days spent in military Humvees in places they’d both prefer to forget. “Sorry, dumb question.”
He ignored the question and her apology. “You mind getting your hair mussed?” He raised his eyebrows at her and ran a hand over his own closely cropped head.
When she shook her head, he put the top down. The engine purred to life, and he pulled away from the curb.
They hadn’t even left base, and already Meg regretted her impulsive decision. She should have gone home to her husband and sons. Pizza night or not. The boys would ask where she was, and Ben would be expecting her even if she turned up a little late. But there was no way to change her mind gracefully.
She dug into her purse to grab her cell phone to call Ben and let him know why she’d be late. She punched the on button and discovered it was nearly dea
d. She should have remembered to charge it before she left home. Instead of taking a chance on getting a call through, she texted Ben to say she was having supper with some of the guys from her unit. He would understand.
BEN FACED THE wall, pretending to be asleep. He had no idea where Meg had been until nearly two in the morning. Her trip to Lejeune was supposed to have been just three appointments. One with her CO, one with the recruitment officer in charge of extensions and retirements, and one with the medics.
He’d discovered her text message after he’d tucked the boys into bed and figured she’d be coming in any minute. Then the minutes had stretched into hours, boosting concern to outright worry. When his own bedtime had arrived, he’d called her, but gotten no answer.
He’d considered calling Will. Even if he wasn’t on duty, he’d be able to find out if there had been any accidents between here and Lejeune. But then Ben had decided if something had happened to Meg, he’d already have been notified. So he’d gone to bed. To do nothing but toss and turn and check the alarm clock every five minutes.
The sound of Meg’s car crunching into the driveway alerted Kip and erased the need for worry. As the dog got up and trotted out to the kitchen, Ben pushed himself up against the headboard and waited for Meg to appear in the bedroom. She had some explaining to do.
But Meg didn’t come directly to the bedroom. Eventually, he slumped back down to wait in comfort. By the time her footsteps came tiptoeing down the hall, he decided to feign sleep. Two a.m. was not a good time to start a fight, and he was still hurt and angry that she hadn’t bothered to keep in touch or answer her phone when he called.
At some point in the midst of his worried pacing, Ben had begun to wonder which of her combat buddies she might have had dinner with. He kept telling himself that Meg would never cheat on him, but the name John kept popping up. John, her commanding officer. John, who’d been wounded and come home ahead of her. John, the name she kept mumbling in her dreams.
Meg slipped almost soundlessly into their bed. Ben tensed, waiting for her to roll toward him and wrap her arms about his chest. But she didn’t do either. He waited for her to speak. Say something, Meg. I’m not really asleep. Say something. Say you’re sorry you’re so late. Or just say I love you.
Meg folded her hands across her chest and did her best to still the anxious beating of her heart. If Ben were awake, he’d have rolled over by now. Right? She strained to listen to his breathing, trying to determine if he was awake or asleep.
Maybe he was waiting for her to make the first move. Or maybe he really was asleep.
She should never have had that second beer. Or the third. She’d been in no condition to drive home, so when the only other woman in the group had insisted Meg go back to her place for a cup of coffee before she headed back to Tide’s Way, she hadn’t been able to argue with the logic. The restaurant they’d eaten in didn’t stay open late, and there really wasn’t a better option, but she should have called Ben when she first got to Meredith’s.
She hadn’t meant to fall asleep on Meredith’s couch.
Maybe she should be the first to reach out. If Ben was angry, he had every right. He’d probably been worried out of his mind.
Meg rolled onto her side and faced Ben’s broad back. He didn’t move. As she slid her hand across his abdomen, his stomach muscles didn’t even twitch. He was asleep!
Surprise hit her first. He was asleep? He hadn’t worried about her after all? It was the middle of the night, and he hadn’t wondered where she was or what might have happened to her?
It’s because I’ve been gone for a year. He’s gotten used to falling asleep in this bed alone. The thought unsettled her. Somehow she’d imagined him the way she’d seen him the other night. Hugging her pillow and pretending it was her. Missing her as much as she’d missed him.
She inched closer, pulling her knees up under his thighs and pressing her cheek against his back.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” she whispered to his sleeping back. “My phone was dead.” She kissed the warm smooth skin between Ben’s shoulder blades. “I love you, Ben.”
Then Ben’s big hand moved to cover hers where it splayed across his chest.
Chapter 14
“SO.” BEN SLOSHED the remainder of the coffee around in the bottom of his mug and kept his eyes on the swirling brown liquid. “How’d it go yesterday?”
Meg wished she’d followed her instinct to tell Ben everything while she thought he was sleeping. It would have been easier to admit to her confusion and indecision in the dark. But with daylight streaming in the kitchen windows it just seemed so much harder.
“I met with Colonel Jenks.” She turned away to refill her own coffee mug. “I told him I hadn’t decided what I was going to do yet.”
“And that kept you out ’til the middle of the night?”
“I sent you a message. I went to supper with some friends from my unit.” Her voice sounded defensive even in her own ears.
“Two o’clock in the morning is a little more than dinner with friends. I was worried. Didn’t it occur to you that I might be afraid something had happened to you?”
Guilt swamped Meg with regret. The heat flooding her cheeks just added to it. When she’d woken up on Meredith’s couch she’d been in such a rush to get home that the possibilities that might have occurred to Ben to explain her absence hadn’t been foremost in her mind.
“I should have called. I’m sorry. Time kind of got away from me. I drank a couple beers too many, and by the time we broke up, I didn’t think I should be driving home right away. So I went back to Meredith’s place for some coffee, but then I fell asleep.”
Ben looked at her with an unreadable expression on his face. “Meredith doesn’t have a phone?”
“I thought you’d be asleep.” She’d thought no such thing.
“Well, I wasn’t asleep, and I was damned worried. Next time, call. I don’t care how late it is, and I don’t care if you wake me up. Just call so I’ll know.”
Meg nodded. She’d been in the wrong. She should have just come home for pizza night and ignored John’s invitation.
“So . . .” Ben drank the last of the coffee in his mug. “Back to my original question. How did it go with the CO?”
“He told me I needed to get my decision squared away so I can fill out whatever paperwork needs filling out when I go in ten days from now.”
“What’s happening in ten days?”
“Whatever I decide, I still have to report in for my two days a month until my hitch is up.”
Ben looked at her as if he was trying to make up his mind about something, but he didn’t speak.
“Bobby said I should talk to you about it.”
“When did you talk to Bobby?” Ben looked surprised, and Meg suddenly realized she hadn’t even mentioned talking to Bobby during their tense standoff two nights ago. “How is he doing? Or should I ask where is he doing it?”
“He’s fine. He’s in San Diego.”
“Beating a new bunch of recruits into shape, no doubt. I assume you called him?” Ben rinsed his mug and put in the dishwasher.
“I hadn’t talked to him since I got back, and I—I called him because I didn’t know what I should do. We talked about the possibility of me getting called back to active duty again if I stay in, and what that would mean for you and the boys, and for us as a couple.”
“I’m glad to know I’m part of this decision,” Ben said, his voice suddenly tight with an emotion Meg couldn’t decipher.
“Of course, you are. You’ve been part of all my decisions.”
Ben’s eyebrows rose. “Really? I don’t recall being consulted when you signed up for the Marines.”
“We weren’t married then.”
“But we were dating. We were a couple.”
“
CJ had a baby on the way. I couldn’t let him help pay for my college education. That wouldn’t have been fair to him or Sarah. It just seemed to make sense at the time to let the government pay for it. But you already know all this, Ben. Why are you holding that against me now?”
Ben hesitated, trying to think over his words before responding. “I’m not holding it against you. But you wanted to join the police force back then. You could have just applied to the academy.”
“Bobby said a degree would offer me more options.”
Meg sounded defensive, but whether she was defending her own decisions or those of the only man who’d ever stood as a father figure in her life, Ben couldn’t guess.
“Well, he had a point. But where are you going from here?”
Before Meg could answer, Ben grabbed her hand and drew her toward the living room. “If we’re going to have a lengthy discussion about this, we might as well be comfortable.”
Kip followed them into the living room but didn’t lie down right off. Meg took the ottoman, perching on the edge as if prepared to take flight at any moment. Ben’s heart sank. The coming discussion was not going to be easy, and he might not like what she had to say.
“Okay, so let’s talk about it. I’d like to feel like I’m not the only person you haven’t consulted.” He probably wasn’t the only person she hadn’t talked to, but he should have been the first, and it irked him that he wasn’t. It also scared him.
Meg looked down at her hands twisting in her lap. The bad feeling in the pit of Ben’s stomach intensified. She was going to re-up. And in another nine months or a year, she’d go into harm’s way again. He’d spend another whole year alone and terrified she might never come back. How did military spouses do this all the time?
“I don’t want to be a police officer anymore.”