by Skye Taylor
A festering little pool of anger bubbled up in Meg as she watched the tableau. It erupted when Anne stretched up and kissed Ben full on the mouth.
Ben jumped back as if stung, but Meg was already headed for the bright blue car with an angry swarm of bees buzzing in her head. Before she reached it, Anne gunned the engine and peeled out.
“What was that about?” Meg demanded, coming to a stop in front of Ben.
Ben glanced at the disappearing car, then down at Meg. “What was what about?”
“You know very well what.”
Ben rubbed the back of his head, looking confused.
Anger roiled in Meg’s belly. All the hunger she’d felt just a few minutes ago fled. Now she just felt sick to her stomach.
“What is going on between you and Anne?”
“Nothing’s going on.”
Meg glared at Ben, more angry than she ever remembered being.
“Then why were you kissing her?”
“I wasn’t kissing her. She kissed me.”
In spite of the truth to his words and his reaction at the time, anger and doubt still clawed at Meg’s insides. The embarrassed flush coloring Ben’s cheeks didn’t help. “Why were you even talking to her?”
“She’s Chuck’s sister. Besides, since when is it a crime to talk to another woman?”
“Since I overheard you telling Chuck she didn’t need an excuse to see you and that you forgave her already. What I want to know is what are you forgiving her for?”
“For dumping me back in high school.”
Meg started to reply, then shut her mouth abruptly as his answer sank in.
Ben reached out and curled his fingers around the back of her neck. “When have I ever given you a reason to think I care about any woman except you?”
Meg pulled away from Ben’s hand, but her anger was already leaching away. All the little instances she’d been cataloging in her mind began to sound trivial and stupid. Ben had never given her a reason to doubt his fidelity. Not really.
“Especially, Anne Royko.” Ben snorted. He shoved his hands into his pockets as he gazed down at her. “Chuck says Anne’s never forgiven herself for tossing me aside for that banker’s son. And maybe that’s true. But I doubt it. The only person Anne has ever really cared about is Anne. She seemed to think it would be fun to have a little fling with me while you were out of the picture. It’s why she begged me for the totes, only I didn’t get it at the time. Anyway, she didn’t get what she wanted, and I have no idea what she’s up to now.”
This time when Ben reached for her, she let him pull her into his embrace. “The only woman I really want kissing me is you.” He tipped her head back and lowered his mouth close enough for her to kiss if she chose to. “If you’re wanting to kiss me, that is.”
Meg closed the distance between their mouths and brushed her lips across his.
“That’s all I get?” Ben ran his tongue along his upper lip.
“Oh, Ben. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be such a witch. I don’t know what gets into me lately.” Her eyes smarted with a sudden surge of tears.
Ben kissed her stinging eyes. Then her mouth. His kiss was so gentle, yet so thorough it left no doubt about his sincerity. And she couldn’t stop the tears.
“I’m sorry,” she said again when he finally lifted his head.
“Then maybe it’s a good thing we’ve got all night to kiss and make up.”
BEN STIRRED AND reached out for Meg. When his hand found nothing, he rolled up onto one elbow and opened his eyes. He was alone. Should he go after her? Again? Or wait? What had disturbed her sleep this time? Not nightmares. At least it didn’t seem likely since her nightmares usually woke him as well as her. Most times he woke before the terror brought her out of sleep. But not tonight.
The kissing and making-up had been pretty energetic. And totally satisfying. No reason why either of them should be awake at just past two in the morning. Ben flopped back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling as the events of the evening replayed in his head.
When they’d gotten to Ethan’s BBQ, Meg had suggested they get their ribs to go. Since they had the house to themselves, they might as well get comfortable and enjoy their alone-time. So, with the savory scent of the barbequed ribs hurrying them along, they’d driven home, showered, and changed into gym shorts and T-shirts. He’d dropped an old movie into the DVD player while Meg spread a beach blanket on the floor. Then they’d sat with their backs against the couch eating ribs with sauce dripping down their chins and laughing over Cuba Gooding Jr.’s antics in Jerry Maguire.
As the credits rolled, the making-up had begun right there on the living room floor with Kip watching and the remnants of their barbequed ribs and coleslaw dinner pushed to the side.
Afterward, he’d carried her to bed, and they’d made love a second time. He’d felt so sated and relaxed it had occurred to him that they might sleep right through church if he didn’t set the alarm. But he’d been too lethargic and contented to do even that.
With a grunt of resignation, Ben rolled off the bed and stood. He found his pajama bottoms hanging on the bathroom door and slipped into them, then padded barefoot down the hall after Meg.
He found her in the kitchen. Her back was to him as she scrubbed at something in the sink.
“What’s wrong?” He’d been asking that question a lot lately. Far too often.
She jerked around, her eyes wide.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” Ben crossed the kitchen. He put his hands on her shoulders and bent to kiss her.
“I—I couldn’t sleep, and I remembered we left all the dishes and leftovers out.”
“There were leftovers?”
“Well, not really. Or not much. But if there was anything, I think Kip finished them off.” Meg pointed her chin toward the little mat by the back door.
Kip sat up quickly. His eyes were alert and his ears pricked forward. He’d heard his name and was probably waiting for instructions.
“It’s okay, Kip. You can go back to sleep.”
“He never sleeps when I’m up at night,” Meg said as she put a handful of silverware in the dishwasher.
“Watching your back,” Ben told her. “He seems to have decided it’s his job to watch out for you.
“I noticed.”
“And that bothers you.” His agreement was not meant to be a question. He’d been watching her and noticing her reactions to the dog. Her awkwardness had disturbed him at first. Then she’d told him about Scout, and he’d thought he understood it better, but he still hoped she’d get over it.
“It did. Before.” Meg turned and leaned against the counter. There were circles beneath her eyes.
“Before what?” Ben thought she’d been sleeping better lately. But the dark circles seemed to argue otherwise.
“Before we came to an agreement.”
Ben looked at the dog. Kip tipped his head as if he knew what they were talking about and he agreed. His intent gaze flitted from Meg to Ben and back.
“You and Kip came to an agreement?”
“Yeah.” The corners of Meg’s mouth turned up, but her eyes still looked tired and a little sad. “The day I stalked out of here and wouldn’t talk to you. I went down to the old pier. Kip followed. He waited while I got the snit out of my system. Then we talked.”
Meg shivered.
“You’re cold.” Ben reached out and pulled her to him. She rested her head against his chest and circled his waist with her arms. “What did you and Kip talk about?”
Meg lifted her shoulders and then dropped them again.
“And I bet he’s not telling, either.”
Meg chuckled at that, then lifted her face to look up at him. “He seemed as lost as I felt. Like he didn’t know what he was su
pposed to be doing. I could so relate to that. I told him, maybe I could help him find a new purpose in life. Hah! Isn’t that a joke? I can’t even figure out what to do with my life.”
To Ben’s dismay, her eyes filled with tears. Again. Twice in one day. “You will. Just give it time.”
Meg’s words sounded eerily like Chuck’s. Alarm caught Ben off guard. Chuck had been so despondent when they’d talked. So unlike himself. The Chuck that Ben knew, the one he’d grown up with, had always been so upbeat. Always with a plan. Yet here he was, almost a year out of the Army and still with no idea what he wanted to do with himself. And it was weighing on his mind, dragging him down into a pit of despair. Please, God, don’t let the same thing happen to Meg.
Meg laid her head back against his chest and sighed. “I saw you talking to Chuck today. What was he so upset about?”
Chapter 18
THE NAME STENCILED on the door declared this to be the office of Captain Natalie Allan.
If it was up to Meg, she wouldn’t be here, but Colonel Jenks had set up this appointment along with two others. He’d told her it was just part of the standard list of things that needed to be checked off. Meg had been in a war zone, and before the Marines could release her from active service, she needed to see the company shrink and get a physical exam.
Meg turned the handle and stepped into the waiting area. A fresh-faced private who looked like she belonged in middle school glanced up and smiled.
“You must be Lieutenant Cameron.”
Meg handed over the sheaf of documents Jenks had given her.
“Have a seat, please. Captain Allan will be with you in a moment.”
Doctor Allan, Meg thought grimly. Getting an unplanned physical didn’t bother her, but she hadn’t come to Lejeune today prepared to talk to a shrink. Considering how her life had been going lately, the idea of talking to someone had occurred to her. But not seriously. Things weren’t that bad. The nightmares and flashbacks were getting better, and the whole my-life-is-going-nowhere bit didn’t seem to be a Marine issue. But her CO hadn’t given her any wiggle room, so here she was. She sat in one of the sturdy vinyl-covered olive-drab metal chairs that lined one wall and waited. Hopefully the chairs in the doctor’s office would be more comfortable. Something told her this session was going to be uncomfortable enough without the aid of unforgiving military-issue chairs.
“HAVE YOU BEEN there, Captain?” Meg dragged her gaze away from the framed documents on the wall and looked at the young-looking doctor.
Captain Allan shook her head.
Meg resented having to discuss whatever war-related issues she might have with anyone, never mind someone who couldn’t possibly know what it had been like. But Captain Allan seemed like a caring, earnest person, so Meg was trying to cooperate.
“My past postings do not have any connection to the question I just asked.”
Meg wanted to look away but didn’t.
“The list of things you’ve described to me. The nightmares and the anger. Especially the feelings of loss and the grieving. Those are normal, and you appear to be dealing with them fairly well.” Doctor Allan took a short breath and pressed her lips together.
“Actually, the feeling of being restless is pretty normal as well. You were in a situation where you were on hyperalert every minute of your day. Even when you were sleeping, some part of you stayed ready to respond at a moment’s notice. You had tasks that kept you busy from waking to sleeping. Some of what you did was routine, but there was intensity to the routine. You were commanded to carry out certain tasks, and you followed those orders.
“Now you’re home, and there’s no CO ordering your day for you. The routine, intense or otherwise, that kept you busy and engaged was suddenly removed. There would be something wrong with you if you didn’t feel a sense of loss and a level of restlessness.”
She paused, probably to give Meg a chance to respond. But Meg didn’t have anything to add.
“That brings us back to the question of what was important to you before you were deployed. In order for you to figure out where you fit in now that you’re back home, you need to consider the activities that filled your days before you left.”
“My youngest son wasn’t in school yet.”
“So, you were a stay-at-home mom.”
Meg had never thought of herself as a stay-at-home mom, but actually, that’s pretty much what she had been. Much of her time was spent helping Ben out in the kennels, but Evan had been with her. And before that, so had Rick. “I suppose that’s true, except when I was at the base. But that was just a few days a month and two weeks every summer.”
“The boys are both in school now?”
Meg nodded.
“What were your plans for when that happened? You must have had some idea. Some plans or hopes that you wanted to get into when the boys grew up.”
Meg considered her answer carefully. “I always thought I wanted to go into law enforcement. But something inside me has changed. All the time I was on active duty and going to college that was my plan. But, now that I’ve had some experience as a military cop, I don’t feel so drawn to a lifetime of being a cop anymore. I don’t think I’d make a very good detective, and I can’t see myself breaking up domestic spats and bar fights forever.”
“There are many avenues in the field of law enforcement.” Captain Allan folded her hands on her desk with a look that seemed to say she felt like she was finally getting somewhere.
“I enjoyed spending time helping Ben with the dogs,” Meg blurted out without thinking.
Captain Allan sat back in her chair. “Ben is your husband.”
Meg nodded.
“And his dogs are . . .?”
“He raises and trains dogs for police work. When the boys were little and I wasn’t at the base, I used to help out. The kennel is right next to the house, and the boys could go with me.”
“And the death of the dog in your unit changed all that?”
Meg’s eyes were suddenly, painfully moist. She did not want to cry. Not here. Not in front of this calm, confident young officer. An officer who outranked her, but seemed so much younger and so untouched. She closed her eyes and willed the tears away.
“Have you helped Ben with the dogs since you returned?”
Meg shook her head. Then she opened her eyes and took control of the discussion. “Ben’s dogs are the whole reason I got close to Scout in the first place. Having him around made home seem less far away. He spent most of his time with his handler, of course, but I used to sneak him treats. I got Ben to send me some of the training treats we use that the dogs love. So Scout would always come by to see if I had anything for him. But then—then—If I’d only been more vigilant, I might have seen that detonation plate. I might have been able to stop him—” The words of self-accusation spilled out before she could stop them.
“Soldiers sometimes lose their lives doing their job.” Captain Allan leaned forward, her expression more intense. “It’s no different with military dogs. Sometimes they lose their lives doing what they were trained to do. You can’t hold yourself responsible.”
“I know.” Meg’s voice squeaked.
“And now you are avoiding your husband’s dogs because you feel you let Scout down?”
Meg nodded. “But there’s one dog that arrived the day after I got back. We’re fostering him temporarily. Ben brought him into the house. It bothered me, but I didn’t say anything. It’s just that Kip looks so much like Scout. He’s a police dog. His handler got killed, and they brought him to Ben because he kind of . . . do dogs go into depression like people?”
Captain Allan raised her eyebrows. “I’m not really qualified in the field of veterinary medicine, but I understand that dogs do grieve.”
“Well, Kip wouldn’t come out of his crate, and he wasn’t eatin
g, so they brought him to Ben. Ben has a way with dogs. He can get dogs to do just about anything. It’s kind of amazing the things Ben can do with dogs. That’s what was fun about working with him. Watching him work with the dogs, that is.
“Anyway, after the first day or so, Kip started following me everywhere. Ben and I sort of had an argument one day, and I just needed to get away to think for a bit. Kip followed me. I didn’t want him to, but he came anyway. I’m sitting there on the end of the dock, and he’s watching me. Then he came over and sat next to me. He just got—he got inside my head sort of. That doesn’t make any sense, does it?”
“How have things been with you and Kip since that day?”
Answer a question with a question. So typical of a shrink. They want to make you think you are working things out by yourself. “Better.”
“And with Ben?”
“What about with Ben?”
“You said the two of you had argued, and you walked out on him. Is that how you’ve been dealing with disagreements?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” Of course, she did know.
Captain Allan frowned.
“No, that’s not how I deal with disagreements. Except that once. Ben and I don’t argue a lot.” Ben doesn’t argue a lot, but I’ve certainly done my share of provoking him.
“Don’t shut your husband out, Lieutenant. He’s your other half. Your lifeline and support. He may not have experienced what war is like firsthand, but he cares about you more than anyone else does, and I’m willing to bet, worries about you more than anyone else. His job hasn’t been easy either.
“The military is great at preparing men and women to go to war, but they don’t do nearly enough to prepare soldiers to come home. Your husband, on the other hand, will probably do anything to help you find yourself again. Lean on him. Talk to him. Let him help with this time of readjustment.”
Meg flashed back to Ben pleading with her to let him help. The look of pain that crossed his face when he said he just hoped there would still be a place for him in her life when she figured out what she wanted. And his instant forgiveness for all her crap every time she said she was sorry.