and Americans have
. . . blondes.
Look, the problem with using real people as gods
is that real people die
so in order to make them last a little longer
you need to make them fit big archetypes
and put a lot of makeup on them so they look similar
and pump them full of drugs and money
until they die from all the drugs
and you have to replace them.
Hollywood is amazing at this
but in order for the trick to work
they’ve gotta keep the archetypes pretty vague.
Therefore: the blonde.
Hollywood burns through a ton of blondes
over a ton of years
all to fulfill the public’s insatiable demand
for yellow hair and nice boobs
until one day they find this young model
(hotness, check)
fresh out of a long chain of foster homes
(humble beginnings, check)
with nice blond hair
(yellow scalp-fur, check)
and her name
is Norma Jean Mortenson.
Okay, okay, cut.
Norma Jean?
Mortenson?
That shit’s not gonna fly in showbiz.
So they’re like “Tell ya what, toots
we’ll let you keep the first letter of your last name
but everything else has gotta go.
We’re gonna give you the first name of Jesus’s mom
Marilyn
and the last name of a past president
who cemented U.S. neutrality
and supported Latin American independence
Monroe.
MARILYN MONROE.
It’s perfect.
Okay, now put on all this makeup
and try not to be yourself.”
But if Norma—ahem—Marilyn has the wrong name
and doesn’t look right
and doesn’t act right either
why do they want to hire her to be Queen of Sex?
Well, for the simple reason that they all have dicks
and Marilyn is SUPERNATURALLY SEXY.
For proof of this
let’s look at the dudes she messed around with.
There’s James Dougherty, a cop
Joe DiMaggio, a baseball star
and Arthur Miller, an award-winning playwright
and those are just the dudes she MARRIED.
You know who ELSE she slapped laps with?
JOHN F. KENNEDY
AMERICA’S SEXIEST PRESIDENT
ALSO MAYBE HIS BROTHER BOBBY
I mean, no one can exactly PROVE this
but you have got to be pretty goddamn sexy
for people to even start spreading RUMORS
that you spread your legs for the president.
She does movies too, but who cares?
I’ll tell you who cares
Marilyn fucking Monroe.
She’s not super stoked
at being nothing more than the latest Avatar of Blond
and getting sacrificed when her tits start to sag
so she starts hatching plans.
Her first plan is just to never get old
but that is doomed to fail
so instead she decides to get actually good at acting
so that once she’s no longer pure sex incarnate
she can still get jobs doing a thing she likes.
So she gets good at acting
by taking classes and stuff
but you know what she’s still not good at?
Sleeping
also, dealing with the inevitable stress
of having to be fantastic all the fucking time.
Luckily there’s pills you can take for that
they’re called “sleeping pills”
and what they do is
they make you sleep.
Unfortunately, Marilyn likes them too much
and she starts taking too many
and showing up later and later to stuff
until finally she doesn’t show up at all
because she is the other kind of late
no, I don’t mean she’s pregnant
I mean she’s permanently asleep, like forever.
No one is happy about this.
Marilyn Monroe was awesome
and now people are sad.
Some people say she killed herself
some people say it was an accident
and some people say it was MURDER
by like, the mafia
or the Secret Service
or Bobby Kennedy himself!
But no one gets a chance to ask Bobby about it
because some random sniper shoots him and he dies
just a little bit after the same thing happens to his bro
which is a tragedy too
although I guess
once Marilyn Monroe has sex with you
nothing is really a tragedy ever again.
The good news for Marilyn
is that she does actually manage to live forever
at least, people write books about her
and make paintings
and giant statues
where she is desperately trying
to keep her clothes from leaping off her body
and then later on
Pamela Anderson tries to cut in
and everyone is like “We see what you’re trying to do
and don’t get us wrong, it’s really working for us
but you’re never gonna touch that.”
I think we can all learn a valuable lesson here
which is that it’s good to be shrewd
and it’s good to be pretty
and it’s good to be kind or whatever
but what really matters
is banging celebrities.
MARTIN LUTHER KING COULD OWN YOU AT POOL
So America has slavery
but then the Civil War happens
and slavery is over.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Except, wait
it looks like even though slavery is over
all the dudes who used to own slaves
are not very excited about enforcing these new laws
ESPECIALLY the one about black people voting
and they quickly discover a neat life hack:
Turns out that laws don’t matter
if you control the police
and just straight-up kill whoever disagrees with you.
So obviously black people are not jazzed about this
and it is only a matter of time
before someone comes along to make shit better.
This someone is named Martin Luther King
and in addition to being a Doctor of Religion
(which means he fixes sick religions?)
he is also an unbelievably good speaker
dead sexy
and amazing at pool.
Also, his last name is KING.
COME ON.
With a rep like Marty’s
he probably could have just been like
“Hey, everyone
wouldn’t it be great if we killed all white people?”
But that’s not what he’s about
he’s on this lame nonviolence kick
so when a badass lady named Rosa Parks
decides to get arrested on purpose
for riding the wrong part of a bus
(it is very easy to get arrested as a black person)
Marty’s got her back.
Along with some other dudes
from the Southern Christian Leadership Conference
he gets everybody in Montgomery, Alabama
(where Rosa Parks got arrested)
to just not ride buses
and the bus guys are like “Oh noooo
we were getting so much money
from making black people sit in back of our buses
looks like we have to change our racist ways!”
So the bus thing gets changed, sort of
and everyone is like “Right on, Martin.”
I mean, it wasn’t just him who did it
but he’s the sexiest one so he gets the credit.
After that, dude is in high demand
he’s going all over the South
trying to make things less shitty.
Here is how he does that:
Step 1: Tell black people to march around
Step 2: Police punch all the black people
Step 3: Take pictures of the punching
Step 4: Washington’s all like whaaaaat
Step 5: Justice!
This only works if police are down to punch dudes
which is not true in some places
which means Martin is unsuccessful for a bit
but then he gets to Birmingham
which is full of people who are so terrible
it is essentially a village of tiny redneck Hitlers.
So King gets thrown in jail by these mega racists
and a ton of well-meaning white people up north
are like “Whoa, dude, maybe chill out a bit.”
so he writes them a letter like “Dear white people
you seem to think I should chill out
but it is hard as hell to chill out
when dudes are throwing rocks at your head
for not being the same color as their head.
If I wait any longer to stop all these rocks
the rocks are going to hit me in the head
and it won’t even matter what color my head is
because I will be dead.
P.S.: You guys are totally not helping.”
And everyone is like “Oh, wow, good point.”
But while he’s in jail
people are still protesting in Birmingham
and it’s not really working
because pretty much all the protesters are in jail.
But you know who’s not in jail?
LITTLE CHILDREN.
So this one dude gets on the radio
like “HEY KIDS
YOU KNOW WHAT’S GREAT?
MORTAL DANGER.”
And the next day
the streets are full of black toddlers
waving signs and adorably risking their lives.
And what do the police do?
ARREST THEM.
They arrest like a thousand little kids.
They put them in JAIL
then when they run out of toddlers to arrest
they sic vicious dogs on high school students
while blasting them with high-pressure hoses.
I’m pretty sure that if there were babies to punt
the cops probably would have done that too.
At this point the government is like “Okay, okay
the level of evil on display here would be hilarious
if this were not A REAL THING
THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING.
STOP IT.”
So they send in the National Guard
and President John F. Kennedy
who up to this point has been too busy getting laid
to worry about civil rights
is finally like “Jeez, fine
I will try to make some laws to help with this shit.”
But whereas JFK moves fast with the ladies
he moves hella slow with groundbreaking legislation
so Martin finally shows up at his house
(by which I mean Washington, DC)
with two hundred thousand other people
and they camp out in front of a big statue
of that Abraham Lincoln guy
who supposedly freed all the slaves
and King is like “Guys, I had this crazy dream
where white people and black people
didn’t hate the shit out of each other
wow, so crazy!
P.S.: JFK could you hurry up on that law please?”
But JFK has bigger fish to fry
namely the big red fish of COMMUNISM
and it doesn’t help that the head of the FBI
(J. Edgar Hoover
who got his last name by sucking real hard)
HATES black people
. . . I mean he hates Martin Luther King.
No way is Hoover a racist. No no no.
So Hoover is trying to tell JFK that King’s a commie
but then he gives up
and just starts trying to prove that he’s a pervert
which is WAY easier
’cause everywhere King goes
he swings dick like an erotic grandfather clock
his core philosophy is “I’m a married Baptist minister
but like
whatever.”
So Hoover records all of King’s sex parties
and sends the tapes to King’s wife
which makes everyone sad
so great job, J. Edgar Suckpants.
Then Kennedy gets shot
nobody knows why
maybe they were jealous of how laid he was getting
but regardless, the new president is Lyndon Johnson
who is from Texas
so everyone gets ready for some executive racism
but Johnson surprises the shit out of everyone
by ramming that civil rights bill through Congress.
Then he decides he’s made enough good decisions
and invades Vietnam.
Now, Martin Luther King’s whole MO is nonviolence
he is always the dude at the protest
who keeps his dudes from throwing punches
even when the other guys are throwing bullets
so he hears about this Vietnam business
and he is like “Oh HELL no”
and Lyndon B. Johnson is like “God dammit, Marty
I thought we were friends”
and Eddie Hoover is like “Hey, Lyndon
have I played these MLK sex tapes for you yet?
Pretty sure that dude’s a SEX COMMUNIST”
and LBJ is like “AAAAAAH MARTY!”
But Martin Luther King keeps protesting the war
even when his friends are like “Dude, chill out
we still need to solve racism.”
He even starts saying some really problematic stuff
about how his REAL goal is to end poverty
so now he has made enemies of racists, war hawks
AND rich dudes
which is why
when he is mysteriously shot in Memphis, Tennessee
at the age of thirty-nine
everybody is sad
but nobody is surprised.
Everybody is so sad
that pretty much every city in the United States
catches on fire for like a week
and then they name a bunch of streets after him
and celebrate his birthday so hard
that no one has to go to school on it
EVER AGAIN.
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But at least racism is over!
. . . right?
So basically
be careful never to be too awesome
or you will be mysteriously executed
just like Martin Luther King
and Gandhi
and Abraham Lincoln
and JFK
and Malcolm X
and Sitting Bull
and Crazy Horse
and . . . wow
why are we so mean to our best people?
KENNEDY TRIES TO NUKE THE MOON
All right kiddies, I’ve got one more for ya
but it spans hecka time
so we’ve gotta jump back to World War Two for a sec
because that’s when we nuked all our old gods.
Check it:
So Germany is having a war with everyone
like I said
and one of the things they do
is they hire this dude named Von Braun
to build them some rockets
so Von Braun, who is an awesome engineer
is like “Sweet
we can use these rockets to go to space!
Hey . . . wait
why are you pointing my rockets at other countries?
ohhh, I get it.
Well, fuck you too, Hitler.”
But then Hitler loses the war by being a crazy person
and the U.S. captures Von Braun and some of his bros
and Von Braun is like “Sweet!
Now I can finally build rockets to go to space!
Wait . . . guys?
Why are you pointing my rockets at Russia?
OH, FUCK YOU GUYS.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL.”
Now, to be fair to the United States
Russia is a big, scary country
with their own stolen German scientists
and their own nuclear weapons
and their own economic system.
But to be fair to Russia
the United States is a big, scary country
that has already nuked one country it didn’t like
and is now using a bunch of stolen German scientists
to point bigger and bigger nuclear missiles at Russia
soooo . . .
everybody goes a little crazy for a while
Resulting in something called the Cold War.
I don’t know why it’s so cold
like, nobody ever called any of the other wars “hot”
but I guess every war against Russia is pretty cold
so there you go.
So Russia and the U.S. spend several years
pointing larger and larger missiles at each other
until dudes in both countries are suddenly like
“Wait a second
these missiles we’re building are HUGE
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