Mana was forever in and out of the house, he said without me he couldn’t breathe and he needed to come back to see me. Saada would chase him out of the house and send him back to his dad. “You’re going to wear the poor girl out! She won’t want to see you anymore!” she would yell at him. He would bring me sweets and chocolates from the shop. I had an endless supply in our room but he just kept bringing more. One day Saada caught him bringing more.
“No more sweets, she’s going to get so fat you won’t love her anymore!” she joked.
“I couldn’t care if she was the size of the house, I will love her until the day I die!” Mana laughed as he rubbed my tummy and I jokingly pushed his hand away. But the atmosphere quickly changed when Saada burst into tears!
“Mana, never talk of dying!” she wept, tears pouring down her face. Mana rushed to his mother.
“Forgive me mother,” he begged, kissing her head over and over again, “I promise I will never talk about death again!” At first I didn’t understand why she was crying. But then I remembered Mahmoud. I quickly went over and hugged her.
“I’m sorry,” I said starting to cry. I could understand her pain; even though her son had died so long ago she could still feel the pain when the simplest of words reminded her of losing him. I could also feel the same pain when I remembered Issy, and right at that moment I remembered her.
“Oh my sweet child, you have nothing to be sorry about, it was my son and his silly choice of words,” she said, wiping away her tears. We both told Mana off for making us cry and sent him back to the shop. It was nice to finally be with a family that loved each other and showed each other affection. Now all I needed was confirmation that my sister was also going to be OK!
That news came within days. Abdul sent news to Mana that he and his father had gone to ask our Dad for Yas’s hand in marriage: they had agreed! No date had been set because Abdul needed to take time off from his studies but the deal had been made. I wished I could have been there for Yas to give her support, she would have needed me on that day and although I knew Farouse would have been there for her I couldn’t help but feel that I had let my sister down by not being there. At least now I knew that soon we would be able to visit each other whenever we wanted, and in time we would even be living in the same house!
About a week or so after our marriage, Mana told me we were going for a picnic. He had told me before about the waterfalls that were up in the mountains not far from the house. He told me I would have to wear my sharsharf until we got to the mountains but once there he said I could take it off and walk free. He told me to wear something nice and straight away I thought about my English clothes hidden in my suitcase. I showed him first because I wasn’t sure if he would be OK with the top because it was a crop top and it showed my belly, but he loved it and told me to wear it.
We set off for the afternoon and Saada told us to make sure we got back before it got dark. The mountains were beautiful! I could hear the waterfall in the distance and I could smell the water and the fresh grass. There wasn’t anyone else in sight so I took off my sharsharf as soon as Mana told me it was safe; he didn’t have to tell me twice!
I was so excited at the thought of walking around free again. I took off my head scarf and let my hair down, straightening out any tangles, and then I rolled up my jeans so I could walk in the water without getting wet. I could see him admiring me as I folded up the clothes I’d taken off and passed them to him to put in the bag he was carrying.
The mountains were rocky but green, with little trees sticking out the sides of them the further up we went. He held my hand and guided me alongside him through the streams of water that were coming down from the mountains. We kissed and giggled, feeling completely free while splashing each other with water from the stream until finally we came to the waterfall. I’d never seen a waterfall before and I couldn’t help but feel the beauty as I looked around. We sat down on a rock and he put his bag down, it was a big bag and when he opened it and pulled out what was inside he showed me a little blanket amongst the food and water. He pulled me close to him, “How would you feel about spending the night with me up here?” he asked, stroking my hair.
“When?” I asked, unsure when he meant.
“Now, tonight, we’ve got enough food and water.” He pointed at the bag.
“Your mum will have a heart attack if we don’t go home,” I said, worried.
“Well, no she won’t, I told my dad that we might be staying up here tonight so if we don’t go home he will deal with Mum, don’t you worry. Well, what’s your answer?” He was anxious for my reply.
“Can we go swimming?” I asked, with a naughty look in my eyes.
“My love, you can do anything you want to do!” he said, standing up. Mana had a huge smile on his face as he removed his outer clothes and jumped in the water!
He squealed from the coldness of the water and then pretended to drown to get me to jump in and rescue him. I removed my clothes leaving just my underwear and jumped in after him. We played in the water for ages, swimming back and forth underneath the waterfall. We ducked each other under the water and pretending to drown each other and then pretended to give each other the kiss of life! The afternoon went so fast and before we knew it night was upon us, so we put the blanket on the grass and lay down.
Since our wedding night Mana hadn’t attempted to have sex with me again. We discussed it after I lost my virginity and he told me he never wanted to put me through that pain again and that he wouldn’t bring it up again until we were both ready. He had kept to his word since that day, and although he had cuddled up to me every night he hadn’t attempted to have sex with me. That night at the waterfalls we had sex, and although I found it painful I tried not to show the pain in my face. I loved Mana and I knew he loved me, and would do anything to make me happy. Even though I wasn’t ready for marriage, or a sexual relationship, it had happened and now he made me happy. I was willing to do anything to keep my marriage to him a happy one.
We had been married for just over five weeks when Mana needed to go back to work so he kissed me goodbye that morning and off he went. He was going to work in a village not far away and would only be back on Fridays. I hated the thought of him being away and so did he. We had spent every moment together since our wedding and now I would only get to see him once a week.
On top of all of this it was Ramadan, the holy month of fasting. All Muslims are required to refrain from food and drink and intimate contact from sunrise till sundown every day for one month. I didn’t understand anything about this and found it boring. The people were miserable and grumpy and I felt guilty every time I was caught eating or drinking, even though I was told I was OK to do so.
I hadn’t been back to Dad’s for my family celebrations after my wedding because it had been arranged that I go after Ramadan, at Eid. Mana was going to allow me to stay with Yas for a week. I’d missed my sister terribly and wondered how she was coping without me; I was looking forward to spending time with her.
Mana had only been gone one day when he returned, telling us he didn’t feel well and needed to be home with his family. At first his mum didn’t believe him, saying he had come back to be with me, but then I found him in the bathroom curled up in pain. I tried to comfort him, thinking it was just a bad stomach ache but then he started coughing, and when I looked at his mouth I saw blood!
“Oh God no! Please no!” I silently prayed. Then I started shouting at the top of my voice for Saada but she didn’t hear me, so I ran out of the bathroom to find her. She was outside talking to someone by the door; I just grabbed her hand and dragged her behind me.
“What’s this, child?” she asked, upset with me for dragging her away without explanation, but I didn’t know what to say, she needed to see for herself.
“You need to come quickly!” I cried, my voice shaking. She tried to tell me to calm down but just as she spoke I flung open the bathroom door! Since I’d left to get her Mana had got worse, he had v
omited blood, lots of blood! He was slumped on the floor up against the bathroom wall. His legs were out straight in front of him and his head tilted down to his chest with blood all down his white zenna. On the floor next to him was a pool of blood, as if someone had spilt it from a bucket.
Saada let out a chilling scream as she ran to her son and scooped him in her arms. “I’m sorry mother,” Mana’s voice was weak as he tried to communicate with his mother.
“Fetch his father, quickly!” Saada ordered me. I ran out of the house as quickly as I could. People were looking at me as I ran down the street because I wasn’t wearing my sharsharf.
“Quick! It’s Mana!” I was out of breath and sobbing but I didn’t need to say any more. Ahmed was sat with his best friend; as soon as they saw me they both left the shop unattended and followed me to the house. I could hear Ahmed praying as he ran behind me but when we got to the house he was not prepared for what he was about to see. Mana had been sick yet again and his mother was covered in his blood because she was cradling him in her arms.
“My son, please God protect my son!” Ahmed prayed as he walked over to Saada.
“Give him to me,” he gently asked her as he knelt down beside her and tried to take Mana from her arms. Saada was rocking back and forward, singing to him as if he were a baby, and Mana was in her arms barely awake. He looked weak but he was looking up at his mother.
“Please Saada, just let them take him,” I begged her.
I didn’t know where they were going to take him but I knew he couldn’t stay on the bathroom floor. Saada wasn’t thinking or listening as Ahmed and his friend took him from her arms, she just continued to rock back and forth, unaware that they had taken him away from her.
Mana was carried out of the bathroom by his father and friend and as soon as they got to the front door people saw them carrying Mana and ran over to help, loading him into a nearby jeep. Ahmed told me he was taking him to a nearby hospital and said he would send a car to come and get Saada and me as soon as he knew what was happening.
I went back to Saada who was still on the bathroom floor. She was in shock from everything that had happened and as soon as I went to her and touched her it was as if she had just woken up from a trance. She looked at the pool of blood on the floor and started screaming, and then she started rolling around in the blood, scooping it up with her hands and washing her face in it while crying uncontrollably.
I sat next to her and sobbed, pleading with her to stop, telling her that he would be OK because he had been taken to hospital and the doctors would fix him, but she kept saying it was Mahmoud all over again. I tried my best to reassure her it wasn’t, Mahmoud was a long time ago and things were different now, because doctors could do much more.
Mana was taken to Sanaa Hospital. He was in a very bad way and a car was sent for us within hours to join them at the hospital. It was late at night by the time we arrived and the hospital was full with his relatives from Sanaa, including Abdul Kareem. I was only allowed to see him for a few minutes because he was asleep. He had lost a lot of blood and the doctors didn’t know what was wrong with him. He looked as white as a ghost, and as I sat with him I prayed to God that he wouldn’t take him away from me.
I wasn’t a religious person, but I made so many promises to God that night that if he gave me Mana back I would become a good Muslim girl and never disobey him again. I sat and kissed my husband and held his hand before I was told I had to leave.
Abdul offered to take me to his family home that night, but I asked him to take me to Nebat’s because I needed to be around people I knew. Mana’s mother was staying at Abdul’s and she was with people she knew.
Nebat had no clue what was happening when I turned up, but as always she was loving and supportive. I hardly slept that night but sometime during the night I managed to fall asleep because when I woke up early in the morning Dad was knocking on Nebat’s door. Someone had arrived late last night from Sanaa to the village and told him the news of Mana’s illness; Dad had got a lift to the city on the first ride so he could be by my side. I was happy to see him, and as soon as I did I ran up to him and started crying as he held me and comforted me, reassuring me that Mana would be OK.
Just after breakfast Abdul Kareem came to Nebat’s house to give us a lift to the hospital; on the way he told us that Mana had improved during the night and that he was now sat up, chatting and laughing. He said that Saada had been to visit and was happy to see her son better and had now gone back to get some sleep.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw Mana sat up in bed. I was still in the corridor waiting to go into his room because it was full of men and I wasn’t allowed to enter until they had gone. I just wanted to run in and hug him, but I’d promised God I’d be good if he let him live.
“Thank you God, thanks!” I kept saying under my breath over and over again. “I promise to be good, I promise I will!”
I could see Mana looking over at me and looking around at his guests, looking bored and pulling faces when they weren’t looking at him! I was shaking my head at him to stop being silly and to be patient but he kept rolling his eyes until Abdul caught him doing it!
“OK everyone, I think it’s time we let him get some rest,” Abdul said, nodding at Mana. Everyone said their goodbyes and left.
Dad came over to me. “He’s all yours, be gentle with him and I will be back at lunch time.” Then he kissed me on the head and left, and as he walked off I wondered why he couldn’t show this side of himself more often.
I sat with Mana all morning and was really happy to see he was feeling much better. He was still very weak, he had vomited a lot of blood and the doctors still had no idea where it was coming from, but at least for now it had stopped and he was feeling better. We laughed and joked and even had a little kiss. I wasn’t allowed to see him in the afternoon because I’d been given the morning with him; the rest of the day was for his family and friends. Although I didn’t want to leave, I knew I couldn’t be selfish. I kissed him goodbye and told him I would be back first thing in the morning.
The next morning Dad had gone to the market to buy some things to take back to the village with him; he was leaving after our visit with Mana. Abdul had come early to take us to the hospital and we had been waiting for over an hour for Dad, but something inside me told me I needed to go to the hospital, and quickly! I told Abdul we needed to go and although he didn’t want to leave without Dad, I insisted.
When we got to the hospital I knew something was wrong because when we walked in I saw a group of Mana’s relatives stood together in the hallway; as soon as they saw us one of them came over to Abdul and took him aside. I saw the blood drain from Abdul’s face and I went to walk down the corridor to Mana’s room, but Abdul ran after me.
“Please Muna come with me, please, I’m asking you.” He was choking up. I could hear his voice shaking when he spoke. I pulled away from him as he gently guided me down an empty corridor.
“No! No! What’s wrong?”
I had my veil on, but as I spoke I pulled it up over my head and pulled down the scarf that covered my face. I could feel the heat covering my body and I was struggling to breathe. I knew what was coming.
“Just tell me where he is?” My body started to tremble as tears started to roll down my face, but I wasn’t screaming or making a noise. My heart was thumping so hard against my chest it felt as though it was going to explode! Abdul just started to shake his head crying.
“I’m sorry, he died this morning.” I started shaking uncontrollably for a few seconds, and then I stopped.
“Where is he? I need to see him!” My voice was demanding. I couldn’t leave without seeing him.
Losing Issy was the hardest thing in my life that I’d ever had to deal with. But not being able to say goodbye to her or go to her funeral was just as hard. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go to Mana’s funeral, but I needed to say goodbye.
“Muna, I can’t! You are not allowed because you are a woman,
” he said apologetically.
“Stop telling me what I’m allowed or not allowed to do!” I shouted at him. “Please Abdul, I need this,” I begged.
I fell to my knees and started to cry out loud so Abdul immediately lifted me up, begging me to stop. Then he told me he would take me to Mana if I promised never to mention it to anyone. I agreed.
Mana was alone in a part of the hospital kept for dead bodies. Not a morgue, but a resting place for a few hours until they are buried. He was wrapped from head to toe in white with only his face showing, like a mummy. Abdul told me I could only have a few minutes with him because if I was caught he would be in great trouble.
I knelt beside him and silently wept. If Abdul hadn’t led me to his body I would never have recognised him as Mana. I wanted to touch him but I felt scared, he didn’t look the same. He looked as white as the sheets he was wrapped in and he had little bubbles on the sides of his mouth. I was about to wipe them away, but at that very moment Abdul came back and told me I had to hurry and leave with him. As I stood up to leave I looked at the man that made my life so happy for such a short time and I struggled to understand why he was taken away from me so suddenly.
He was yet another loss in my life that I would have to overcome, only by this time my heart was feeling too weak and I wasn’t sure I could.
As Abdul begged me to hurry, I wiped away my tears and then I kissed my hand and placed it on Mana’s forehead. A shudder whipped through my body as my hand touched his forehead and I felt his skin. He was cold, very cold! “Goodbye Mana,” I said quietly as I turned away and left the hospital.
Dad was waiting for us at Nebat’s house when we returned from the hospital; nobody had told them the news. I hadn’t cried since I left the hospital, but he knew as soon as he saw us that something was wrong. My veil was up over my head and I hadn’t covered my face with my scarf since leaving Mana’s side. He looked at me and saw the dead lifeless expression in my eyes and then he looked at Abdul and demanded an explanation. Abdul struggled to tell him of Mana’s death, his words cutting off as he spoke.
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