by Jay Asher
If not for that party, I never would have met the real you. But for some reason, and I am extremely grateful, you gave me that chance. However brief it was, you gave me a chance. And I liked the Hannah I met that night. Maybe I could’ve even loved her.
But you decided not to let that happen, Hannah. It was you who decided.
I, on the other hand, only have to think about it for one more day.
I turn away from the Stop sign and walk away.
If I had known two cars were going to crash on that corner, I would’ve run back to the party and called the cops immediately. But I never imagined that would happen. Never.
So instead, I walked. But not back to the party. My mind was racing all over the place. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t walk straight.
I want to look back. To look over my shoulder and see the Stop sign with huge reflective letters, pleading with Hannah. Stop!
But I keep facing forward, refusing to see it as more than it is. It’s a sign. A stop sign on a street corner. Nothing more.
I turned corner after corner with no idea where I was going.
We walked those streets together, Hannah. Different routes, but at the same time. On the same night. We walked the streets to get away. Me, from you. And you, from the party. But not just from the party. From yourself.
And then I heard tires squeal, and I turned, and I watched two cars collide.
Eventually, I made it to a gas station. C-7 on your map. And I used a payphone to call the police. As it rang, I found myself hugging the receiver, part of me hoping that no one would answer.
I wanted to wait. I wanted the phone to just keep ringing. I wanted life to stay right there…on pause.
I can’t follow her map anymore. I am not going to the gas station.
When someone finally did answer, I sucked in the tears that wet my lips and told them that on the corner of Tanglewood and South…
But she cut me off. She told me to calm down. And that’s when I realized how hard I had been crying. How much I was struggling to catch one good breath.
I cross the street and move further away from the party house.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve walked out of my way so many times to avoid that house. To avoid the reminder, the pain, of my one night with Hannah Baker. I have no desire to see it twice in one night.
She told me the cops had already been called and were on their way.
I swing my backpack in front of me and pull out the map.
I was shocked. I couldn’t believe you actually called the police, Jenny.
I unfold the map to give it one last look.
But I shouldn’t have been shocked. Because as it turns out, you didn’t call them.
Then I crumple it up, crushing the map into a ball the size of my fist.
At school the next day, when everyone replayed the events of what happened the previous night, that’s when I found out who had called. And it wasn’t to report a fallen sign.
I stuff the map deep into a bush and walk away.
It was to report an accident. An accident caused by a fallen sign. An accident I was never aware of…until then.
But that night, after hanging up the phone, I wandered the streets some more. Because I had to stop crying. Before I went home, I needed to calm down. If my parents caught me sneaking back in with tears in my eyes, they’d ask way too many questions. Unanswerable questions.
That’s what I’m doing now. Staying away. I wasn’t crying the night of the party, but I can barely hold it back now.
And I can’t go home.
So I walked without thinking about which roads to take. And it felt good. The cold. The mist. That’s what the rain had turned into by then. A light mist.
And I walked for hours, imagining the mist growing thick and swallowing me whole. The thought of disappearing like that—so simply—made me so happy.
But that, as you know, never happened.
I pop open the Walkman to flip the tape. I’m almost at the end.
God. I let out a quivering breath and close my eyes. The end.
CASSETTE 6: SIDE B
Just two more to go. Don’t give up on me now.
I’m sorry. I guess that’s an odd thing to say. Because isn’t that what I’m doing? Giving up?
Yes. As a matter of fact, I am. And that, more than anything else, is what this all comes down to. Me…giving up…on me.
No matter what I’ve said so far, no matter who I’ve spoken of, it all comes back to—it all ends with—me.
Her voice sounds calm. Content with what she’s saying.
Before that party, I’d thought about giving up so many times. I don’t know, maybe some people are just preconditioned to think about it more than others. Because every time something bad happened, I thought about it.
It? Okay, I’ll say it. I thought about suicide.
The anger, the blame, it’s all gone. Her mind is made up. The word is not a struggle for her anymore.
After everything I’ve talked about on these tapes, everything that occurred, I thought about suicide. Usually, it was just a passing thought.
I wish I would die.
I’ve thought those words many times. But it’s a hard thing to say out loud. It’s even scarier to feel you might mean it.
But sometimes I took things further and wondered how I would do it. I would tuck myself into bed and wonder if there was anything in the house I could use.
A gun? No. We never owned one. And I wouldn’t know where to get one.
What about hanging? Well, what would I use? Where would I do it? And even if I knew what and where, I could never get beyond the visual of someone finding me—swinging—inches from the floor.
I couldn’t do that to Mom and Dad.
So how did they find you? I’ve heard so many rumors.
It became a sick sort of game, imagining ways to kill myself. And there are some pretty weird and creative ways.
You took pills. That, we all know. Some say you passed out and drowned in a bathtub full of water.
It came down to two lines of thinking. If I wanted people to think it was an accident, I’d drive my car off the road. Someplace where there’s no chance of survival. And there are so many places to do that on the outskirts of town. I’ve probably driven by each of them a dozen times in the past couple weeks.
Others say you drew the bathwater, but fell asleep on your bed while it was filling. Your mom and dad came home, found the bathroom flooded, and called your name. But there was no answer.
Then there are these tapes.
Can I trust the twelve of you to keep a secret? To not let my parents find out what really happened? Will you let them believe it was an accident if that’s the story going around?
She pauses.
I don’t know. I’m not sure.
She thinks we might tell. She thinks we’ll walk up to our friends and say, “Do you want to know a horrible secret?”
So I’ve decided on the least painful way possible.
Pills.
My stomach pulls in, wanting to rid my body of everything. Food. Thoughts. Emotions.
But what kind of pills? And how many? I’m not sure. And I don’t have much time to figure it out because tomorrow…I’m going to do it.
Wow.
I sit down on the curb of a dark, quiet intersection.
I won’t be around anymore…tomorrow.
Most houses on the connecting four blocks give little indication that anyone is awake inside. A few windows flicker with the faint blue light of late-night TV. About a third of them have porch lights on. But for the rest, other than a cut lawn or a car out front, it’s hard to tell anyone lives there at all.
Tomorrow I’m getting up, I’m getting dressed, and I’m walking to the post office. There, I’ll mail a bunch of tapes to Justin Foley. And after that, there’s no turning back. I’ll go to school, too late for first period, and we’ll have one last day together. The only difference being that I’ll know i
t’s the last day.
You won’t.
Can I remember? Can I see her in the halls on that last day? I want to remember the very last time I saw her.
And you’ll treat me how you’ve always treated me. Do you remember the last thing you said to me?
I don’t.
The last thing you did to me?
I smiled, I’m sure of it. I smiled every time I saw you after that party, but you never looked up. Because your mind was made up.
If given the chance, you knew you might smile back. And you couldn’t. Not if you wanted to go through with it.
And what was the last thing I said to you? Because trust me, when I said it, I knew it was the last thing I’d ever say.
Nothing. You told me to leave the room and that was it. You found ways to ignore me every time after that.
Which brings us to one of my very last weekends. The weekend following the accident. The weekend of a new party. A party I didn’t attend.
Yes, I was still grounded. But that’s not the reason I didn’t go. In fact, if I wanted to go, it would’ve been much easier than last time because I was house-sitting that weekend. A friend of my father’s was out of town and I was watching his house for him, feeding his dog, and keeping an eye on things because there was supposed to be a rager a few doors down.
And there was. Maybe not as big as the last party, but definitely not one for beginners.
Even if I thought you might be there, I still would’ve stayed home.
With the way you ignored me at school, I assumed you would ignore me there, too. And that was a theory too painful to prove.
I’ve heard people say that after a particularly bad experience with tequila, just the smell of it can make them barf. And while this party didn’t make me barf, just being near it—just hearing it—twisted my stomach into knots.
One week was nowhere near enough time to get over that last party.
The dog was going crazy, yapping every time someone walked by the window. I would crouch down, yelling at him to get away from there, but was too afraid to go over and pick him up—too afraid someone might see me and call my name.
So I put the dog in the garage, where he could yap all he wanted.
Wait, I remember it now. The last time I saw you.
The bass thumping down the block was impossible to shut out. But I tried. I ran through the house, closing curtains and twisting shut every blind I could find.
I remember the last words we said to each other.
Then I hid myself in the bedroom with the TV blasting. And even though I couldn’t hear it, I could feel the bass pumping inside of me.
I shut my eyes, tight. I wasn’t watching the TV anymore. I wasn’t in that room anymore. I could only think back to that closet, hiding inside it with a pile of jackets surrounding me. And once again, I started rocking back and forth, back and forth. And once again, no one was around to hear me cry.
In Mr. Porter’s English class, I noticed your desk was empty. But when the bell rang and I walked into the hall, there you were.
Eventually the party died down. And after everyone walked by the window again, and the dog stopped yapping, I walked through the house reopening the curtains.
We almost bumped into each other. But your eyes were down so you didn’t know it was me. And together, we said it. “I’m sorry.”
After being shut in for so long, I decided to catch a breath of fresh air. And maybe, in turn, be a hero.
Then you looked up. You saw me. And there, in your eyes, what was it? Sadness? Pain? You moved around me and tried pushing your hair away from your face. Your fingernails were painted dark blue. I watched you walk down the long stretch of hallway, with people knocking into me. But I didn’t care.
I stood there and watched you disappear. Forever.
Once again, everybody, D-4. Courtney Crimsen’s house. The site of this party.
No, this tape is not about Courtney…though she does play a part. But Courtney has no idea what I’m about to say because she left just as things got going.
I turn and walk in the opposite direction of Courtney’s house.
My plan was to just walk by the place. Maybe I’d find someone struggling to put a key in their car door and I’d give them a ride home.
I’m not going to Courtney’s. I’m going to Eisenhower Park, the scene of Hannah’s first kiss.
But the street was empty. Everyone was gone.
Or so it seemed.
And then, someone called my name.
Over the tall wooden fence at the side of her house, a head poked up. And whose head would that be? Bryce Walker’s.
God, no. This can only end one way. If anyone can shovel more shit onto Hannah’s life, it’s Bryce.
“Where you going?” he asked.
How many times had I seen him, with any of his girlfriends, grabbing their wrists and twisting? Treating them like meat.
And that was in public.
My body, my shoulders, everything was set to keep walking by the house. And I should have kept walking. But my face turned toward him. There was steam rising up from his side of the fence.
“Come on, join us,” he said. “We’re sobering up.”
And whose head should pop up beside his? Miss Courtney Crimsen’s.
Now there was a coincidence. She’s the one who used me as a chauffer to attend a party. And there I was, crashing her after-party.
She’s the one who left me stranded with no one to talk to. And there I was, at her house, where she had nowhere to hide.
That’s not why you did it, Hannah. That’s not why you joined them. You knew it was the worst choice possible. You knew that.
But who am I to hold a grudge?
That’s why you did it. You wanted your world to collapse around you. You wanted everything to get as dark as possible. And Bryce, you knew, could help you do that.
He said you were all just relaxing a bit. Then you, Courtney, offered to give me a ride home when we were done, not realizing “home” was only two houses away. And you sounded so genuine, which surprised me.
It even made me feel a little guilty.
I was willing to forgive you, Courtney. I do forgive you. In fact, I forgive almost all of you. But you still need to hear me out. You still need to know.
I walked across the wet grass and pulled a latch on the fence, popping the gate open a few inches. And behind it, the source of the steam…a redwood hot tub.
The jets weren’t on, so the only sound was the water lapping against the sides. Against the two of you.
Your heads were back, resting on the edge of the hot tub. Your eyes were shut. And the little smiles on your faces made the water and steam look so inviting.
Courtney rolled her head my way but kept her eyes shut. “We’re in our underwear,” she said.
I waited a second. Should I?
No…but I will.
You knew what you were getting into, Hannah.
I took off my top, pulled off my shoes, took off my pants, and climbed the wooden steps. And then? I descended into the water.
It felt so relaxing. So comforting.
I cupped the hot water in my hands and let it drip over my face. I pushed it back through my hair. I forced my eyes to shut, my body to slide down, and my head to rest against the ledge.
But with the calming water also came terror. I should not be here. I didn’t trust Courtney. I didn’t trust Bryce. No matter what their original intentions, I knew them each well enough not to trust them for long.
And I was right not to trust them…but I was done. I was through fighting. I opened my eyes and looked up at the night sky. Through the steam, the whole world seemed like a dream.
I narrow my eyes as I walk, wanting to shut them completely.
Before long, the water became uncomfortable. Too hot.
When I open my eyes, I want to be standing in front of the park. I don’t want to see any more of the streets I walked, and the streets Hannah walked, the ni
ght of the party.
But when I pushed my back against the tub and sat up to cool my upper body, I could see my breasts through my wet bra.
So I slid back down.
And Bryce slid over…slowly…across the underwater bench. And his shoulder rested against mine.
Courtney opened her eyes, looked at us, then shut them again.
I swing a fist to the side and rattle a rusted chain-link fence. I shut my eyes and drag my fingers across the metal.
Bryce’s words were soft, an obvious attempt at romance. “Hannah Baker,” he said.
Everyone knows who you are, Bryce. Everyone knows what you do. But I, for the record, did nothing to stop you.
You asked if I had fun at the party. Courtney whispered that I wasn’t at the party, but you didn’t seem to care. Instead, your fingertips touched the outside of my thigh.
I open my eyes and pound the fence again.
I clenched my jaw and your fingers moved away.
“It broke up pretty fast,” you said. And just as fast, your fingertips were back.
I hold tight to the fence and keep walking forward. When my fingers pull away from the metal, my skin slices open.
Your whole hand was back. And when I didn’t stop you, you slid your hand across my belly. Your thumb touched the bottom of my bra and your pinky touched the top of my underwear.
I turned my head sideways, away from you. And I know I didn’t smile.
You pulled your fingers together and rubbed slow, full circles around my stomach. “Feels nice,” you said.
I felt a shift in the water and opened my eyes for one brief second.
Courtney was walking away.
Do you need more reasons for everyone to hate you, Courtney?
“Remember when you were a freshman?” you asked.
Your fingers made their way under my bra. But you didn’t grab me. Testing the boundaries, I guess. Sliding your thumb along the underside of my breasts.
“Weren’t you on that list?” you said. “Best ass in the freshman class.”
Bryce, you had to see my jaw clench. You had to see my tears. Does that kind of shit turn you on?
Bryce? Yes. It does.