by Sophie Stern
“Tam and Lia had a fight, but they worked it out together. Nothing else really has happened.”
“Okay. Did everyone sing songs and color this morning?”
“Yeah,” Ali says with a smile. “And we did a craft.”
“Really?” I’m surprised. Ali is one of the most loyal volunteers we have, but she doesn’t always like to be around the kids. I’m not really sure why she offered to work at the childcare center, but I like that she’s so willing to help out despite her obvious lack of interest in children. Who knows? Maybe she’ll learn some skills that will help her with her own kids someday.
“Yeah.” She’s cut off by the sound of a little baby crying. “Hey, Ralph is awake.” She darts up before I can move and hurries to the crib in the corner. “Hey there, little guy,” she swoops him up and hugs him close, then carries him to the changing table to get him cleaned up.
I don’t say anything as I watch her for a second, surprised at how far she’s come. When Ali and I started working together, she seriously hated kids and I almost asked her to stop coming. I’m glad I didn’t. She’s really come around.
She finishes changing Ralph, then brings him to me and hands him over. Is that reluctance I see in her eyes? Maybe she’s getting attached.
“I should go now,” Ali says. “He’s going to need a bottle soon. His mom brought a bottle of breast milk. It’s in the fridge.”
“Okay,” I smile, taking the little bundle. I peek at his tiny face and smile as the baby looks up at me. I know I’m not his mommy, but I sure like this little guy. His mother helps in the kitchens preparing food for the pack, so he comes for a couple of hours each day.
“Bye, kiddos,” Ali waves to the little ones and grabs her purse, then heads out of the room.
“Well, guys,” I settle in to the rocking chair with baby Ralph. “Looks like it’s just us now.”
The next few hours pass in a whirlwind of painting, drawing, stories, games, and snacks. Before I know it, every kid has been picked up except for Tam, so the two of us sit in the middle of the floor and play patty-cake until his parents come back for him.
Paulson and Sally are two of my favorite wolves. They just seem so happy and in love. She’s pregnant with their second baby, and her belly is getting huge.
“Thanks for taking such good care of our little guy,” Paulson says as he gathers Tam in his arms.
“No problem,” I say. I collect Tam’s sippy cup and diaper bag, then hand them both to Sally. “How are you feeling?” I ask her.
“Oh, you know,” she pats her belly. “About ready to pop. I feel like I’m going to explode, actually,” she laughs.
“Well, you look lovely,” I say honestly, trying not to let the pang of jealousy that fills my heart be known. Will Nash and I have a baby of our own someday? Part of me wants one. I love the idea of being filled with his seed, of growing his own little cub. Would it look more like me or like him? Would the baby have his cute nose and my bright eyes? Would it have his hair or mine? Would it be a boy or a girl? I try not to think about it too much because it’s silly to dream about something that might not ever happen.
There’s a very big part of me that still whispers I’m not good enough for him. There’s part of me that thinks he’d be better off with someone else, a real wolf. There’s part of me that thinks he’d be better off with someone who can definitely give him a shifter baby. Even if I bear his child, there’s no guarantee it would be a shifter. Who knows? The baby could end up like me: human.
Do I really want to raise a human baby in a wolf’s den?
Do I really want my child to feel like he or she isn’t part of the pack?
Paulson and Sally are so lucky. Tears fill my eyes as I think about how happy their sweet little family is and how blessed they are to have each other.
I’m guessing my jealousy fills the air because suddenly, Paulson and Sally each sniff, then turn back to me.
“Are you all right?” Paulson asks carefully, and I just nod.
“Yeah, I’m totally fine,” I lie.
I don’t belong here.
I’ll never be enough for Nash.
I’ll never bear his children.
As much as I don’t want to believe it, the truth is that I don’t belong here. I’m sad I don’t, but that’s my reality. I need to try to make my place in the pack, but what happens if Nash and I really do have a child sometime? What if our baby is a shifter? We won’t know for certain until puberty. That’s when most shifters are able to alternate forms.
How am I supposed to help a child through that? I’ve never shifted. I’ve never changed. I’ve never had to figure out how to change my body into something else and then change back. What will I do if my child gets stuck in their wolf form? What will I do if something happens to Nash and I’m a single parent? What will I do if I never fit in with the pack and my child resents that?
What if my kid doesn’t want a non-shifter for a mother?
“Woah,” Sally says, and touches my shoulder gently. “You’re sending off a pretty strong fear scent, honey. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine,” I wave her off. “I’m just nervous about the mating ceremony. It’s coming up soon, you know.”
“Yes,” Sally smiles. “We’re all so happy for you and Nash.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me. I hope you can all make it.”
“Of course! Germaine was telling me all about your dress and how lovely it is. I can’t wait to see it.”
“Oh, I guess you haven’t heard then. Someone actually destroyed it.” The words are out of my mouth before I realize what I’m saying. I probably shouldn’t go blabbing about things like this. There’s no point in upsetting anyone.
“What?” Paulson growls, and the sound reminds me of Nash when he gets upset.
“Yeah,” I shrug, trying to be casual, trying not to show how much it hurts or how upset I actually am. “I don’t know why someone would do that unless they were just trying to remind me that I don’t belong here.”
“I don’t think it’s just you,” Paulson comments. “Some weird things have been happening all over the pack.”
“What do you mean?”
“A bunch of meat went missing this week,” he comments. “And last week, several shifters reported missing tools and weapons.”
“What?” I ask. “Nash didn’t mention any of that to me.”
“He doesn’t want anyone to worry,” Paulson says.
“I’m supposed to be his mate, though.”
“You are his mate. Just because you haven’t had your ceremony yet doesn’t mean you aren’t recognized as his other half, honey.” Sally’s voice is gentle, but strained. I wonder if she’s worried about what these weird coincidences mean.
Is someone trying to sabotage the pack?
At first, I thought someone was only trying to sabotage me, but what do tools and food have to do with me? Is there a chance this could be something more, something different?
Something else entirely?
“Well, we should get going,” Sally says quietly, looking at Tam, who is starting to get fussy in Paulson’s arms.
“Thanks again, Red,” he says. Then they take their little boy and leave the childcare center. Slowly, I begin to clean up the room. I put all the extra diapers away, wash the sippy cups and bottles that were left behind, and tidy up the room. I sanitize everything, wash my hands, and close up the room for the night.
I only wish dealing with a torn-up wedding dress was the worst of my problems.
***
“Open up,” someone is banging on the door. Rolling over, I look at the clock on the nightstand. It’s not even 7:00 yet. Why is someone banging on the door? Grumpily, I get out of the empty bed. Nash is away hunting with the other wolves and I’m alone. I grip my robe tightly around my body and open the door.
“It’s the childcare center,” Ali looks frantic. “You need to come.” She doesn’t say anything else, but her appearance wor
ries me. It’s not just her tone of voice, although that itself would be enough to freak me out. Ali looks completely disheveled. Her hair is sticking every which way and her clothes are covered in…something. I don’t know what.
A sense of dread overwhelms me, but I follow her anyway. I don’t bother to change out of my robe, so I shiver slightly as we enter the cold hallway. I don’t know what it is about wolves, but even in their human forms, they never seem to get cold. Seriously, is it winter down here? I look around, half-expecting Santa Clause to pop around the corner and offer me a Christmas gift.
We hurry to the childcare center, and I bite back a gasp when I peek inside.
It’s gone.
It’s destroyed.
“What happened?” I ask, walking into the room. I look around at the broken crib, the damaged toys, and the overturned tables. The molding clay is everywhere. I’m guessing that’s what’s on Ali’s clothes. There’s paint all over. Formula cans have been opened and dumped out. I cringe as I think about how much those cans cost the pack. “Who would do something like this?”
“I don’t know,” Ali whispers.
“Have you told Mrs. Beaver yet?” The older woman is the one who is in charge of the childcare center. I’m one of her main caregivers, but she’s the one who creates the schedule, who comes up with activities, and who keeps everything organized.
“I sent Mary Beth to go get her.”
“Good. She needs to see this. It’s going to break her heart, but she’ll know what to do.” All of our hard work is gone. As I glance around the room, I can’t help but think how much joy this childcare center has brought to the pack. It’s not fancy or big. It’s just a little room we fixed up, but it means a lot to the families of our pack. It means a lot to all of us.
The center has given me something to do, something to focus on when I was going crazy from stress.
“We can fix it,” I say to Ali. I don’t know if it’s actually true. Most of the furniture is destroyed. Everything has been dumped out and broken. With the other shenanigans that have been going on in the pack, I don’t know if we can actually afford to fix everything that’s been destroyed. Just a new crib alone is going to cost a lot, but everything else in the room? It’s amazing how quickly little things add up in cost. We can ask people to donate things, but I have a feeling it’s not going to be that simple.
Then I turn and I see the message scrawled on the wall in bright blue finger paint.
“I’m sorry, Red,” Ali murmurs.
Without another word, I just turn and leave.
Seven
Red
I lock the door to our suite and climb into the shower. Then I let the tears fall as I think about the words painted on the wall.
That’s what they think of me. That’s what my pack thinks of me.
I know, logically, that not everyone thinks this way, but right now it feels like the whole world – the whole pack – is against me.
So I cry. I let out everything I’m feeling, everything I’ve been feeling, everything I’ll ever feel about the pack and my life here. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be brave and bold, but I can’t. I can’t do it anymore.
Nobody wants me here.
Nash says he does, but we barely see each other at all, and when we do, he’s so busy with the pack that we don’t really connect anymore. I cry as I weep for my wedding day that will never come. I cry for the children I’ll never have. I cry for the pain I’ve already gone through to connect with the pack.
I cry.
By the time I’m finished, I’ve made my decision. Nash deserves better than me. He needs to lead this pack with his whole heart and his full focus. I’m just keeping him from that. I knew from the start that our relationship had blossomed really quickly. Too quickly. He saved me. Maybe he feels bound to me because of that. I don’t know.
But I do know that he’s better off without me.
He deserves a shifter.
I don’t bother packing a bag. Everything I own was given to me by the pack, anyway. The only thing I need is the key to my grandmother’s safety deposit box and my debit card, which is in my nightstand. After her death, Jeffrey sold off all of her stuff, so I don’t even have mementos. There’s just the damn deposit box. Maybe there will be cash in there. I don’t know. Maybe there will be something.
I know Jeffrey had planned to go extract it and drain her bank accounts, but he hadn’t yet, for some reason. Maybe he was too busy trying to take over the Nightfall Pack.
I’m not sure.
Dressing quickly, I shove the key and my card in my pocket. I write a short note to Nash, knowing he’ll be pissed, knowing it’s not good enough, but that it will have to do.
Then I walk out of the suite and out of the cave, and I go back into the woods.
***
I regret my choice as soon as I’m back in the forest. I haven’t made it more than half an hour away when I can sense there’s trouble. Isn’t there always?
Despite the fact that I’m not a wolf, I can sense danger, at least a little bit. I can tell there’s something wrong, but I paste a brave face on and keep walking.
Instead of worrying that someone might be watching me or following me, I think about Nash. I think about what he’ll do without me. Will he get together with Tessa? Do I have any right to be mad if he does?
I’m so stupid. I really had this fantasy that the pack would make me their sort of Alpha queen, but that’s not the way things worked out.
That’s not how things ended up going.
But was I too quick to give up on Nash? I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave him. I shouldn’t have. If things went my way, I’d stay and love him forever. Hell, I’m going to love him forever anyway. I’m just no good for him. I’m not what he needs right now.
He deserves better than me.
He deserves a wolf.
I wrap my red cloak around myself, shivering despite the warmth of the day. I need to keep moving. I need to go. I can hitch a ride to town and get money from the bank, then I can go create a life somewhere. Anywhere.
I know if I went back to my old legal firm, they’d offer me my job back. I wasn’t the world’s best paralegal, but I was pretty good at what I did. I was thorough. Maybe I can go back to my old town and try to make a life for myself.
Only I know even as the thought passes through my mind that it’s useless.
Nash was the only thing I ever wanted and I’m just no damn good for him.
I pull my cloak tighter around myself and keep moving. The woods still aren’t familiar to me. Part of that’s because I’m not a wolf, but part of it’s because I’ve spent too much time inside. Instead of worrying about our mating ceremony and whether or not my dress will fit, I should have been running wild outdoors, spending time chasing squirrels or looking for cool rocks or something.
Anything.
I walk carefully, but quickly, keeping up a steady pace. Soon it starts to rain. The clouds drizzle at first, but soon the sky opens up and the rain begins to pour. Even the thick branches covered in leaves that fill the forest can’t protect me and I start to run, looking for a place to seek shelter.
I’m going in the opposite direction of the cabin I once hid inside. It’s a pity because the cabin would be perfect for a storm like this. The wood exterior is strong and durable and I know for a fact the roof doesn’t leak. It’s only a matter of minutes before I’m soaked in spite of my cloak. As it turns out, my red cloak is good for keeping out the cold: not the rain.
I move faster.
Soon I spot what looks like a tiny opening between two large boulders. I don’t know if it’s a cave or just a small space, but I’ll take it. Anything is better than staying out in the rain. Moving quickly, I hike my cloak up so the edges don’t catch on the rocks and I slip into the little opening. To my surprise, it does open into a tiny cave, though I doubt anything has ever lived there. The cave is only about three feet by three feet. It’s not even e
nough room for me to lie down in.
Instead, I sit down with my back against the back of the cave and my feet pointed toward the entrance. I don’t have so much as a knife to protect myself. I was in such a hurry to run away from my life I didn’t even think to bring a weapon.
Just another way the forest life isn’t for me.
I feel like I used to be stronger than this. I used to not let things bother me. I used to be better, more durable. Now I’m weak. Now I let a group of people who hate me tear me away from the one person who loved me more than anything else.
And even though I know Nash is better off without me, I let myself cry in the cave. The sounds of my sobs are drowned out by the rain, and I close my eyes.
Eight
Nash
The rain cuts our adventure short. When it begins to pour, all the wolves head back to the caves. We all shake just inside the entrance. Once we’ve gotten as much water as possible off of ourselves, we shift back, then head further in.
“Quite a storm,” Ryder comments. I know this is his way of respectfully asking why I didn’t cancel the run when I smelled the storm in the air.
“Thought we’d be back in time,” I mutter. The pack is already dispersing and I turn to head toward my sweet, but Allison Martin appears in front of me and looks terrified. Ryder smirks at me and I know exactly what he’s thinking: if Ali wanted to marry me all those years ago, who’s to say she doesn’t want to now?
Maybe she’s the one behind all the trouble we’ve been having. Maybe she resents Red and the relationship I have with her. Something tells me this isn’t Allison’s doing, though. She may have had a crush on me, but she was never vicious. If anything, Allison was always too nice. That’s one of the reasons I suspect she’s still single: she’s not tough enough to handle a relationship with a wolf. She might be one herself, but being a wolf and handling another are two entirely different things.
“Ali,” I say carefully. “What can I do for you?”