by Nancy Barone
‘That’s me mam, i.e. your number-one fan.’
I smiled. It was nice to know the faces of my readers. I rarely got a chance to meet any. And she was the spitting image of him, with long dark curls and winged eyebrows and the same endearing smile of someone who loved life. She must have been missing him a lot.
‘Connor, I’m just going to run into town to get some food. Can you keep an eye on the girls? And my mum? She’s reading and won’t be needing anything. I’ll be back in a jiffy. I’m so sorry, this seems to be becoming a habit, but Sarah works long hours and I’ve no one else to ask…’
‘Sure, Nat. You go on ahead. Beryl and I will be fine.’
‘You’re very good with her,’ I said gratefully.
He smiled wistfully. ‘She reminds me of my own mam.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. They have the same sense of humour.’
Only, I suspected, Connor’s mum actually liked him. ‘What’s she like?’ I found myself asking.
He sat back. ‘Good-natured. Strong. Bossy. She loves us all fiercely. A real matriarch. She saved the family from drifting after my dad died. She just told us to roll up our sleeves and get on with it.’
‘I’m glad you don’t feel too lonely without them.’
‘Are you kidding?’ he said. ‘Amy and Zoe are just like my own nieces. So it’s like I never left home.’
In that case, I sincerely hoped I didn’t remind him of his sister. If I couldn’t have a fling, at least I could still have a fantasy fling in my head. ‘Thank you so much. You don’t know what it means to me, to be able to ask someone and not feel guilty about it.’
He stood up and came to my side. ‘You’re grand. Go.’
Just standing next to him heated me up. ‘Have… you got any requests for dinner?’
He beamed at me. ‘I’m fine with anything. Oh – except for mushrooms or truffles. I’m allergic to them.’
‘Oh? Okay, will keep that in mind. I’ll be as quick as I can.’
‘Take your time.’
‘Okay, then. Off I go.’ Only I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay home, with the twins and Connor. And Mum, funnily enough. I wanted to soak up the soft, warm feeling of his presence, strong but discreet. The exact opposite of domineering but at the same time useless Neil.
*
When I got in from my grocery shopping, I hung my bag around the newel post as usual – something I hadn’t stopped doing just because I had a lodger. I had trusted him instinctively and was giving myself a pat on the back for that because Neil, who had been my family and who had dealt me the biggest blow of my life, had not broken me after all. In a way, he had not turned me into a jaded, angry divorcee. So in a way, I was still whole.
‘Hello!’ I called dragging the groceries down the corridor into the kitchen. I really should have got into the habit of using the back gate. It was much more practical, but coming through the front door like this always gave me a sense of having a hold on my house, something that I’d never felt.
Coming into the house post-Neil, my ears would always automatically strain for the customary sounds, like the dishwasher slushing away, the clock in the hall and twins nattering on, or Sarah’s voice instructing them about something, or even Mum’s television set.
But now, I heard nothing. How odd.
‘Girls?’ I called out. ‘Auntie Nat is home! Zoe? Amy? Connor?’
Nothing.
‘Mum?’ I called, and still nothing. She was not in the living room or the orangery, so I had a quick peek in her bedroom and was relieved to see she was fast asleep, her tiny form rising and sinking under her rose-patterned summer quilt cover. I closed her door slightly, just enough to block out the louder sounds of the household for when they made their appearance.
A quick look at the garden told me there was no one there, and at that point, an unsettled feeling began its journey up my limbs like ice in my veins. I closed the French doors behind me and walked out and across the lawns to scan any hidden areas, all the while reaching for my mobile to call Connor. I knew that by phoning his mobile, I’d seem overprotective to his eyes, but he had certainly not mentioned that they would be leaving the house.
I checked to see if I’d missed any messages, both SMS and WhatsApp. Apart from one from Maggie, which I ignored, there was nothing there. As I dialled Connor’s mobile, I leapt up the stairs and checked every single room, his included, which I never accessed for obvious reasons. I walked across the floorboards to his window and looked out at the cul-de-sac, which was deserted. Surely I’d have seen them when I got in?
I waited for the call to connect, but instead there was silence. I checked the screen and pressed the call button again. And still nothing happened. We had an iffy connection at the best of times in Wyllow Cove, but still you’d get a message from your provider. Here, nothing was happening. Had he lost his phone? Highly unlikely, seeing that it was always in his pocket. It sounded as if it had been completely disconnected.
The possibility of someone stealing Connor’s phone was also very improbable. Not with his sense of alertness. He had a sixth sense and awareness of his surroundings that made him turn before anyone entered the room, or that allowed him to catch objects in mid-air without even trying. You had to get up very early in the morning to get one over him. Which was one of the reasons I’d been comfortable leaving my nieces with him for brief spells. And now? Now what could I do?
There was no one else to call. If I called Sarah or Lizzie who were at work, I’d only alarm them as there was nothing they could do either. Neil was out of the question for a million reasons, and Maggie always panicked in situations like these, so I was better off not alarming her especially.
By now I was in full-blown panic mode and began to pace his room, looking for clues as to where he might have taken them. Was his laptop here? His trainers, sports bag, jacket? I needed anything that would indicate he hadn’t gone far, so I opened his closet and almost fainted when I saw that his duffel bag was gone. And gone were most of his clothes. I muffled a scream and went through his drawers in a panic, pushing aside ties, belts and a watch he never seemed to wear.
A cry from the street made me jerk my head out the window and, thank you, God, there they were, piling out of Connor’s SUV, all giggles and laughs. They were back! And safe!
I quickly straightened the contents of his drawers again with shaky hands and descended the staircase, pasting a serene smile on my face, trying not to look like I was going to shake myself apart and collapse from relief at their feet.
‘Hey, you guys!’ I called, hugging the girls as they came in, holding them perhaps a little too tight and for a little too long.
Connor was lugging his empty duffel bag and a picnic bag as he came in behind them.
‘Hey,’ he said, flushed, and I couldn’t help but wonder what he’d been up to. ‘Shame you couldn’t make it. Didn’t you get our message?’
‘Me?’ I almost shouted. ‘You’re the one who’s been incognito. Where have you been?’
His face fell. ‘I’m sorry. Your friend Maggie called with a picnic basket, so we decided to have a picnic on the beach. I tried calling you but my phone had no signal so I asked your friend Maggie to send you a message for me. She’s a real darlin’. Made the girls laugh themselves silly with her funny stories.’
‘Maggie?’ I echoed, grabbing my phone from my pocket and scrolling back to her message:
Hey, just swung by yours as I wanted to take you and the girls on a picnic. Why didn’t you mention the dish??? We’re going down to the cove with tons of food. Come join us! M xxx
Okay. He’d called me to let me know he’d taken the twins out. He’d tried, and when that had failed, he’d let me know through Maggie, my best friend. It wasn’t his fault I hadn’t read her message. Crisis averted.
‘Oh,’ I said, too relieved that he hadn’t turned out to be a kidnapper or something of the sort. Of course he wasn’t. I realised how silly I’d been, jumping to all
sorts of stupid conclusions. I guess I was just an overprotective aunt who thought the worst in extreme times. I internally Zenned myself up while the girls gabbed on about the seals and the waves as we all gravitated towards the kitchen.
‘What’s with the duffel bag?’ I asked, and he looked down at his wrist.
‘This? Oh, I dropped off some old clothes I don’t wear anymore at a charity shop.’
Still taking deep breaths to calm myself, I put on the kettle as the girls ran out into the garden to hose off the sand from their sandals. I turned to face him. He was looking at me with those twinkling, kind eyes that were incapable of any bad thoughts, let alone actions, and once again I was overcome with a warmth that was a mixture of relief and, well, something else. How could I have doubted him for even a moment?
He leaned in and took my elbow. ‘You seem… frazzled. Are you okay? I left Beryl asleep in her room as you said we could, once she’s had her afternoon pill.’
‘I’m sorry? Oh, of course, that’s fine…’
And yet, however I looked at it, I couldn’t help shake the knowledge that I didn’t have everything under control and that I never would. Sometimes bad things happened to good people, and we were lucky that this time everything was okay. But life teaches you that the minute you let your guard down, things happened. And the girls were at their happiest in their young lives, despite the fact that their own mother had buggered off to the other side of the world to make sure that she added another million to her bank account. They were vulnerable, and I had to make sure they’d be okay.
But Connor, with his kindness and generosity, was to be trusted. I knew it.
‘What is it, Nat?’ he asked, moving closer to me. ‘I felt that shift. Are you angry because I took the girls out without your permission? I apologise, you are absolutely right. But Maggie said you’d meet us and the girls kept going on and on about me owing them that ice cream because of the bet I lost.’
‘A bet you lost on purpose,’ I said, and he helped me to a charming, helpless shrug.
I sighed. ‘Yes. No, I’m not angry, although I confess I did panic.’
‘That’s what I told Maggie, but she said nonsense and that all we had to do was leave you a message. Plus, I knew you trusted me.’
I looked up into his face and smiled. I knew him a little better now – and his little kindnesses. The world was not a place full of only bad people. There was good and caring to be found within the vast oceans of everyday indifference. Connor was living proof of that. He was a giver by nature, and the confirmation of that allowed me to curl up in that thought, like a child in a warm blanket.
‘You all right, so?’ he asked as he slid me a cup of tea across the island top. ‘Is it something else, then? You look pensive.’
I looked up from my cup. ‘Pensive? No, I’m okay.’
‘I’ve got to say, Nat, that I’m in awe of you,’ he said.
‘Me? What for?’
‘For doing, no – being who you are. There’s not many women I know besides my own mam who can keep a family together like you do.’
My cheeks started to burn at the sound of his words that had on me the effect of a physical, delicate caress.
‘Awh, and look at you – you’re also the only woman I know who is still capable of blushing.’
His eyes caressed me kindly, and something warm began to course through me, soft and sinuous, like the feeling of sinking into a nice hot bath. At first you’re tentative lest the water scalds you, but then you relax and bask in the pleasure. And it hit me over the head like a brick. I was more than simply attracted to Connor. It wasn’t simply an oh, he’s so handsome attracted, but a viscerally it’s too late to deny it kind. And I just knew I was going to get hurt.
I tried to clear my throat softly, but made a huge loud mess of it. ‘Ah… sorry, uhm, oh? What exactly do you, uhm, mean?’
‘I mean that you sacrifice yourself for your loved ones even beyond the call of duty. But what about you? What about the Nat inside you, the one who wants to break free from all her fetters?’
I swallowed. How did he even know that I kept her deep under wraps? I hardly even knew she was in there, somewhere, and Connor, what did he do? He reached inside my head with the delicacy I’d come to know him for, and plucked the chords of my thoughts, fears and hopes.
‘I’ll bet you can’t even see all that you’re worth,’ he said softly. ‘You should stand tall and not be afraid to reach out for what Nat wants.’
What I wanted. What did I want? What everyone else wanted. For my family to be happy. To find a little cottage. And… perhaps… a big love. But for now I counted my blessings.
I took a deep breath. ‘I guess I just want time to think. And heal and just… be. Peace, I guess I want peace.’
‘Nat! Nat!’ Mum shrieked from her bedroom and we both put our cups down to rush over to her, dreading seeing her sprawled on the floor the one moment I’d turned my back. ‘Mum! Mum?’
But she was still in her bed, drumming her fingers on the side table, her eyebrow raised at me. ‘I want to go home.’
Here we go again – classic Mum. When she was down in Wyllow Cove, she’d always say that she never saw any of us and why didn’t I invite her over? And when I did, she would start to moan and say she wanted to go home.
‘But, Mum, you only just got here…’
‘Well it seems like I’ve been here forever.’
I sighed. She was never happy. ‘Mum, I need to know you’re okay. So for the time being, you’re staying with us.’
‘But I don’t want to. I want to go to my own home.’
‘Come on, Mum – just for a few days? You’re always complaining how you never see the girls anymore. Here’s our chance to spend some time together.’
‘For how long?’ she asked.
I took her hand. Hell, she was my mother after all. ‘As long as it takes.’
She huffed. ‘Well, then, in that case, I’ll need my wool jacket and stockings.’
Never mind that it was almost twenty-six degrees outside, the hottest that it had been for two years. ‘Okay, Mum. I’ll get them for you. Where are they?’ I asked.
‘In my dresser.’
I opened the dresser and peered inside. ‘I don’t see them. Actually, Mum, I don’t remember packing them.’
‘That’s because you didn’t. They’re in my dresser at home, silly,’ she said.
I rolled my eyes at Connor who hid a grin behind his knuckles, having the time of his life, it seemed to me.
‘My word, he’s delicious, just like the Poldark chap on the telly, isn’t he?’ she said.
‘Mum – he’s sitting right there. He can hear you, you know!’
At that, she turned around to address him directly. ‘Connor, you remind me of my husband. We lived together for fifty years. I loved him so much. And now he’s dead.’
‘Ah, you’re breakin’ me heart, Beryl!’
She squinted up at him and gently patted his cheek. ‘Yes. You remind me of him. And all the sex we had. Yes, you look just like him – a luscious, scrumptious sexpot…’
‘Mum!’ I gasped but couldn’t help laughing my nervous laugh at the same time. At least she had the courage to say it. ‘Connor, I am so sorry!’
But Connor took her hand. ‘You watch yourself, Beryl Amore, or one day I’m going to take you up on it. And then we’ll see what you’re made of.’
‘Oh, you naughty, naughty boy.’ She cackled in delight. ‘I’ll be ready. I was born ready.’
‘Don’t tempt me.’ He laughed, then: ‘Fancy a brew, love?’
‘And a biccie or two,’ she agreed.
‘I’m on it,’ he said, getting up and going to the kitchen.
‘Mum, what’s the matter with you?’ I hissed before I got up to follow him. ‘Connor, I’m so sorry! I don’t know what’s got into her lately. She’s never like that.’
He shrugged. ‘Let her have her fun, Nat. She’s not harming anyone. Besides, I really enjoy
it. Makes me feel good about myself after so long.’
‘I doubt you need a seventy-year-old woman to tell you you’re…’ I swallowed back the words I’d be sorry for. Well, if not sorry, embarrassed about.
Because once you said something like that, you couldn’t take it away, and I didn’t want to be sued for harassing my own lodger, or, worse, making him think I was just like my mother. Which I wasn’t. At least I hoped not. So no, there would be absolutely no comments about his looks or sex appeal from me. But it was interesting to think that someone looking like him could not feel good about himself. And yet, there was a mirror upstairs in his bedroom. Did he not use it?
At that precise moment the girls came in from the garden, traipsing past us and through to their nana’s bedroom with a handful of flowers. Amy may have been a terror, but she did love her nana.
‘They’re lovely girls,’ Connor said as he prepared some biscuits for Mum on a tray.
‘They are. Amy’s a bit of a handful, but it’s Zoe who worries me as she’s a bit more fragile, I think. I just hope they—’ I bit my lip. Had I said too much already?
‘They look perfectly fine to me, Nat. It’s just that age. I was a terror when I was a kid, in and out of the headmaster’s office. What about their parents?’
‘Their mother, my sister, is away for work a lot. She’s a very famou… er, busy chef.’
Yolanda had made it very clear that she didn’t want her girls’ lives to be affected any more than necessary by her fame. Personally, I thought that ship had already sailed. I just hoped he didn’t connect the very few missing dots.
‘Then she’s lucky to have you to fill in for her. They seem very at home here.’
‘Oh, they are. My sister divorced a long time ago and her ex isn’t interested in family, so all the girls really have is us. And now with Sarah and my mum, we’re an all-girls club.’ And then I stopped, realising that hadn’t sounded very welcoming at all towards him.
‘Nat, listen, I’ve been meaning to mention this. Despite your previous assurance, your circumstances have changed since our agreement, and I’m not sure this is the right thing for you, now,’ Connor said, wiping the counter of some spilt sugar with a sponge. ‘So if you need the room back…’