My breath was caught at the feel of her words against the hairs on my neck. Before I could turn my head she turned away from me, glancing at me from over her shoulder. I took a step forward before realizing it. She giggled and spun away further, her dress twirling as she half-hid behind a support beam. I tried to pull my eyes from her for a moment but her twirling hair and dress captivated me until she stopped.
Our eyes met.
“Do you like me, Hal?”
My mouth worked soundlessly to find words.
She moved forward, a skip in her step until her hands were against my chest again. Looking up at me she lowered her voice. “You do like me, don’t you?”
I nodded, words fumbling in my head. Her hands moved down my chest as she moved closer. A gasp left my mouth when her fingers slid into the pockets of my jeans. Only when I felt her hit what I kept there, her mouth forming a tiny O, did my bliss break. My hand reached after her while she danced away, a folded piece of paper in her hand. I took a step forward, but she turned away from me, taking it out of my reach. When she had it unfolded she tilted it to the light coming from the skylight above.
It was a photograph, heavily creased and worn with age.
The woman in the picture was smiling at some forgotten joke. She was dressed in a riot of greens, blues and browns. It was if the world itself had given up its richest gifts and wrapped her in them. Raven black hair, long and flowing in luxurious curls of onyx, curled around her shoulders. Her features were high, her mouth small and delicate. Thin lips graced that mouth, though I still remembered how they had puckered when she didn’t smile, and how soft they were when she had kissed me.
But it was her eyes that Mother always said had captivated my father. Wide set, they were a brown so dark they rivaled the Field’s pillars. Twin tide pools of dark water teeming with unseen life.
“Is this your mother?” I saw her look at the bundle in the woman’s arms. A small child, barely two years old.
Janice looked at me when I didn’t answer. “Is that you in the picture?”
I nodded and her eyes went back to it as if she could glean some sort of insight into me from it.
“She was from a town in Massachusetts,” I began, and once I said those words I couldn’t stop. “It was a coastal city. I only remember the sound of waves against the rocks, the way boats sounded as they passed by where I was born; the scent of salt in the air, and the brightness of the sky. Mother wouldn’t tell me why she left, except that Father had died and she needed to get away. Sometimes I would hear her talk in her sleep about how ‘her kind’ wasn’t welcome anymore in the town.”
I started to pace on the dance floor, rubbing the back of my neck. “I always assumed she was some sort of gypsy. It wasn’t until later that I realized that was impossible. Our skin was too light, too pallid despite our dark hair and eyes. No, it was just the hatred of people against those that are different.”
Janice averted her eyes when I looked at her.
“We came here just after that picture was taken. I still don’t remember the trip. We had been lucky; she found a cheap house when we got here. What little money we had went on it, though what was money compared to shelter?”
I gazed up at the roof while Janice watched me, her eyes following me. Her mouth carried a slight downward turn and I knew she was having second thoughts about taking the photo, but I kept talking.
“I’ve never had a lot of money. What I live off to survive, Mother taught me. I make my own clothes, I hunt my own food, and I craft my own furniture. I’ve tried a few times to make friends among the people here, but every time they scorn me. All you people see is a beast aping at being a man.” I felt bad as soon as the words left my mouth.
Janice’s mouth opened to protest and I held up a hand, stopping her.
“Don’t. I know what you see. This is my life. I’ve never been welcome in this town, like my mother before me. I will probably never be. You wanted to know the real me, well this is it. You asked me if I like you. Yes Janice, I like you. You captivate me in ways only one other thing ever has.”
“The Killing Field.”
I nodded.
“Is that why you sit out there? Derek said you sit there for hours at a time, no matter the weather. Why?”
My arms lowered to my side and I shuffled my feet.
“I don’t really know. When my mother disappeared I was lost. Then when they had the funeral and told me they had found her body in the woods, the lake drew me more in my grief. I find silence there from my mind. I find it calming.”
“Silence?” Janice had moved closer to me, I think out of politeness. Her eyes shone in the twilight of the room when I glanced at her.
“When I sit at its edge, there’s silence. No people, no animals, no words in my head. It’s peaceful. I’ve even slept there when it is warm enough.”
“Have you ever been to one of the gatherings on the Field?”
“I’ve watched them, though from afar. I’ve never actually stepped out onto the Field myself.”
“But you watched. You know what goes on.”
I nodded.
Janice ran her fingers through her hair.
“Then you know the myths are true.” There was a tightness in her voice.
“Which myths?”
Her eyes were wide now and she trembled while she spoke. “That the day after blood has been spilled, it’s gone. The snow is as pure as any other day. It’s as if the lake drinks the blood.”
“It’s true.” The blood I had seen spilled had indeed vanished, though how it happened I could not say. It slowly faded, like a time delay video of a stain fading I had seen on an old television set once when Derek had invited me into his home.
The look Janice gave me caused me to bridge the space between us. She didn’t pull away as I placed a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes met mine from under her eyelashes and suddenly she embraced me, her head nuzzling against my breast.
“It scares me.” Her hands travelled down the curve of my spine. She smelled like wildflowers and sunshine.
“It’s ok. I will go with you to the service if you want. I know you will be helping your father, but when we go to the Field I will stand as close to you as I can.”
Janice lifted her face to look at mine, her eyes moving to look at each of my eyes in turn. “That’s very sweet of you Hal.”
I opened my mouth to tell her it was nothing when her lips met mine. It was a nervous touch, as if she was afraid to do it. But then it came fiercer, her hands rising to wrap around my neck as she pulled herself up. My hands found her hips and pulled her closer, our tongues seeking each other out in a breathless dance. Finally the need for air broke us apart.
“For someone who’s never kissed a woman you’re pretty good.” Janice whispered, her gaze burrowing into my eyes.
“Who told you I’ve never kissed a girl?”
“Derek.”
The annoyance I felt towards my friend disappeared when her lips touched mine again, her fingers caressing my hair as we took our time to explore each other. Her body pressed against me and the warmth made my body react. She must have noticed because when the kiss broke she was flushed and pulled away from me, my hands trailing after her. She moved to the door.
“I’m sorry, you should go. If Father were to walk in while...” She let the words hang in the air. I nodded, despite the frustration and need that burned in me. I followed her out of the room and she closed the heavy doors behind us as I walked to where my jackets hung. I dressed in a hurry, my anger starting to show. Only once did her hand rest on me as if trying to calm my mood. The cold hit me hard as I stepped out into the swirling snow.
Janice stood in the doorway as I trudged through the flakes. I paused to look back where she stood in the doorway. She raised her fingertips to her lips and blew me a kiss before closing the door. I stood in the swirling snow, my heart hammering in my chest.
She liked me.
It was hard not to smile as I walk
ed towards my house.
X
The next day, I avoided the town for most of the day while people went about preparing for the celebration of the Longest Night. Meat pies were baked, barrels of beer tapped and the usual black candles were in every window except mine. People rushed from store to store trying to avoid the snow which fell from the sky like dandelion tufts, large and fat. The noise was too much for me.
When Derek found me I was sitting by the edge of the Killing Field, though the inner peace it usually brought me was not to be found. The town’s energy seemed to infect everything around it and it permeated everything. I shifted, I sighed, I paced, yet the peace eluded me time and time again. When Derek finally crashed through the woods that surrounded where I had chosen to sit most of the snow had been cleared by my frustration.
“How did things go with Janice?” he asked.
“Good.” I felt that if I told him more, it would lessen the memory that floated in my mind, somehow dirtying it as it spread from person to person. No, I would hold onto it as long as I could and keep it pure.
Derek patted me on the back like a dog. “Not going to tell, eh Hal?” He laughed then, the sound echoing through the forest and across the lake. “No matter. Come, they’re about to start soon and I don’t want to miss this. This year will be special! Janice’s father has come up with something that will solve all our problems.”
His excitement drew my gaze and he smiled at me, his palm slapping my back again. I ground my teeth together at each blow. I rose to my feet, following Derek. With one last look across the lake, the pillars of night stark against the snow, I turned and walked with Derek back towards the town and Janice.
The light was fading fast, and while we walked through the streets an eerie silence permeated everything. In every window the candles were already lit, tall tapers that would burn through the night, the interior electric lights turned off. I often thought on the night of the festival that the silence should have comforted me, but it never did. Not in the way the Field did. It was as if the entire town had vanished, replaced with will o’ wisps guarding their dwellings. The sound of our feet crushing the snow was far too sharp, far too loud. My breath like bellows, Derek’s sneeze like the crack of a whip. I scratched my face where my scarf rubbed.
The dull murmur of a large group chatting with each other slowly rose in the air. Ahead of us the Hall glowed with candles, two or three in every window. People milled about outside, smoke trailing from the pipes and cigarettes in their hands and mouths. We were almost upon them when one of them finally noticed us and the conversations died off to awkward silence while they glanced at us from the corner of their eyes.
We moved through them, Derek uttering a couple of words in an attempt to break the silence. He only got grunts or singular words in response. When the Hall’s doors finally closed behind us he stomped his feet and chuckled. “Don’t mind them, Hal.”
Derek hung his jacket in the large closet room which was already near capacity. I placed my jacket and most of my layers as far away from the others as possible. I had learned the hard way as a child what people could do to your private possessions when they were left unguarded. Derek watched and shook his head. “Come on, we’re going to miss it.”
He practically ran down the hallway, forcing me to try to keep up with his long legs. Derek only slowed when the bronze doors came into view. They were open into the holy area of the church, warm light coming from hundreds of candles filling the space beyond the portal with a kind of living light. On either side of the doorway stood Janice and her father.
Breathing became hard as my gaze wandered over her. The dress she wore was a deep forest green velvet, edged with a gold trim of leaves and vines. It clung to her enough for me to see she wore nothing under it, which halted me on the spot. Derek turned when I stopped, and grabbed my shoulder, shoving me before him. I was about to snap at him when Janice’s father moved towards me.
He was an imposing man, the deep auburn robes he wore heavy and dark. His hood was up, and as I looked up into his face a sneer greeted me until Derek stepped forward and the High Priest’s face broke into a smile.
“Ah Derek, I am glad you made it, and I see you found Hal.” I averted my eyes, not wanting to see the look that came with such a tone of voice.
Derek went to one knee before Janice’s father. The High Priest took my friend’s face in his hand and tilted his head up. Janice moved forward, a bowl in her hands. Her father dipped his thumb into it then made a mark on Derek’s forehead. A few mumbled words later Derek rose as Janice’s father turned to me. I was already kneeling, no stranger to what was required.
He looked down at me, his grey eyes shining deep in the recess of his hood, storm clouds before the first flash of lightning. His fingers dipped into the bowl and Janice stepped back. Derek said something to her but it was lost when her father lifted my head with two fingers, as though loath to touch me.
The liquid was cold and cloying as it was spread across my brow. The words he said were so low in his throat that I could not make them out. I had lowered my eyes and kept them that way until he finished and moved away from me, his duty done. My gaze rose to find Derek gone, Janice as well. Not wanting to anger the High Priest further, I walked through the metal doors and into the flickering light. Derek wasn’t to be seen among the sea of heads that covered most of the space in the church. I took my usual seat near the back of the room, as far away from the altar as possible and hoped he would find me.
The room itself was large enough that the flickering candles, even in the numbers they were, could not penetrate the shadows in the corners. Columns rose from a few places in the room, carved with scenes of the forest, plants and animals rendered in a simple yet elegant design chasing each other around. One year I had sat near one just to study it while the service occurred, much to the anger of the people around me. The moldings along the ceiling were done in much the same style, the wood stained a deep gold. Here and there Janice’s handiwork could be seen in the wreaths of mistletoe, hemlock, and other plants that hung from the walls or chased each other in endless spirals. She had outdone herself this year and I found myself appreciating her work for the first time instead of ignoring it as I did every year previous.
Something soft touched my shoulder and a warm breath brushed across my ear.
“I’m glad you came. Father is about to start but won’t need me until later. We can have some time alone if you want.”
I didn’t have to turn to know it was Janice, the smell of wildflowers heavy in my senses. I glanced around, noticing that everyone was quieting down, their heads all turned towards the altar. It was now or never.
Rising, I moved out of my aisle as quietly as I could, trailing after Janice while she moved along the wall where the shadows were deepest. Flickers of her gold hem danced as she moved quickly towards a door that was hidden behind one of her wandering, woven knots. I followed, the door clicking closed behind us.
“Hurry, this way.” She giggled as she darted down the hallway. I followed her flowing form, my eyes taking joy in the way her dress showed the movement of her body. Something stirred in my chest and it felt as if my blood was on fire. I wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to pull her against me.
Janice glanced around the corner of a hallway then back at me. She smiled, teeth flashing as she darted around it. I followed in time to see her move into a room. Catching the door before it could close, I threw it open and followed.
She stood there, her hands behind her back, swaying back and forth on the balls of her feet, the hem of her dress swirling with her movements. Her eyes met mine from under her bangs, the rest of her hair done up in an elaborate braid. The look sent me to her, my hands caressing her hips once more as our lips met. Her hands were on my neck, fingernails digging into the sensitive flesh as our tongues met. I pulled her to me, her warmth pressed against the desire that strained lower in my body. Our kiss broke, she gasped, I kissed her neck.
“S
top. Stop. I need to tell you something.”
I pulled my head back, my eyes meeting hers. My body throbbed against hers and something in me drove me to kiss her again. Unlike the stillness of the Field, this was a torrent of emotion, a storm of blood flowing through my body driven towards one goal.
I wanted her.
I needed her.
She met my eyes and her brow furrowed.
“Look, I...”
The door to the room burst open, smashing against the wall hard enough to crack the plaster. I pulled away from Janice, an animal sound rising in my throat. Janice’s father stood framed in the doorway, Derek and a handful of people behind him. It was hard to miss the smile on Derek’s face.
“Blasphemer!” Janice’s father took a step forward, his hood thrown back, veins standing out on his naked head. Derek moved beside him and pointed at us.
“I told you he was courting her! My bride to be, and Hal sought to take her for himself!”
Bride to be?
I stumbled and turned my head towards Janice, my mouth working silently. She clung to herself, not meeting my gaze as she moved further away from me.
“See his shame at being caught in his crime? See his guilt?”
Derek was shouting each word. Janice’s father wrapped his arms around his daughter and kissed her forehead. Slowly he rose his gaze to me, the anger radiating from him in waves; anger and behind it, something else.
“Halitus has blasphemed against the covenant! He has broken our sacred vows of courtship and on this, our most holy of days!” He pushed his daughter behind him and stalked forward.
The blow of his fist caught me off guard. So thick was my shock, I fell to the ground, the world spinning. Someone moved closer and I barely managed to raise my hands before a boot caught me in the side, driving the air from my lungs.
“I want retribution!” It was Derek, screaming down at me from above. The cry was taken up by the others behind him in the hallway. Derek turned to Janice’s father. “I demand retribution!”
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