by G. Benson
That was all the invitation Ollie needed. In a mere second, she was lying alongside Carmen and had propped her head on her hand. With care that made Carmen’s stomach warm, she slid her leg over Carmen’s thighs, hooking it over her hip. The pressure pushed Carmen’s hips into the bed, and it left her centered, like gravity had finally plucked her back out of orbit and pulled her to earth.
Slowly, her hair falling to brush Carmen’s cheeks, Ollie kissed her once, her lips unhurried and soft. Carmen wrapped curls of Ollie’s hair into her fingers and held her there, the kiss not deepening but unfolding in front of them like they had all the time they could want. When Ollie pulled back, Carmen lifted her head, following her, then finally fell back down.
“How are you?” Ollie’s words washed over her lips.
“Better now that you’re here.” And that was the truth. A little terrifying, but real.
“And before?”
Carmen swallowed, unable to look away. Ollie was too close and her gaze too intense. “Sore. Thinking too much. Rae made me come up to sleep, but I couldn’t.”
“You haven’t slept?” Concern pushed Ollie’s eyebrows together and filled her words.
Carmen gave a half shrug.
“Did you take those pills that nurse gave you?”
Another half shrug.
“Carmen!” Ollie sat up.
Carmen missed her immediately, the warmth and solidness of her, the way she’d finally felt tethered to the bed and the world again after floating all day, lost.
“Where are they?”
“Front pocket of my backpack.”
Ollie fished them out, followed by a bottle of water from her own bag. Once Carmen had taken them, she lay back in the same position.
“Thank you,” Carmen said.
“My pleasure. Though you could’ve just taken them.”
“I was being tough.”
Against Ollie’s thigh, their fingers entwined, tracing over each other’s palms and against the tips of each other’s fingers. The motion was soothing, easy.
“Want to tell me what you were thinking?” Ollie’s eyes were like the sky, looking down at her at night and open to anything Carmen wanted to offer up.
For a second, Carmen almost answered that she’d been thinking nothing. But that chasm that had separated them, that wall Carmen had built up to protect Mattie had already crumbled. So she took the last few steps to clamber over it and stumble into Ollie.
“I wanted to go see Mattie again, a last time, before he left the hospital.”
“Why don’t you?”
Their fingers still moved over and around each other, entwining, then slipping back apart to stroke at the insides of each other’s wrists and the backs of their hands. Something behind Carmen’s eyes was heavier, carrying her toward sleep now that she was the most at ease she had been all day.
“They’ll be keeping an eye out for me. If they call social services… It will look worse, later. I think. Or they could have someone there, waiting. I don’t know…”
Ollie bit at her lip, like she did when she was thinking, her head still heavy in her palm, hair spilling around her. “We could try to sneak you in.”
Carmen hoped her smile didn’t look as sad as it felt. “He’s on the kids’ ward, and they have a security door. You have to buzz to enter. I think anyone visiting him will be flagged.”
Ollie just blinked at her, slow and heavy. Or maybe that was Carmen. Tiredness settled over her like dust. “I think, for him and for me, I need to stay away.” The words were heavy as they tumbled past Carmen’s lips, and she wanted to push them back in and not acknowledge their logic.
“I’m sorry,” Ollie whispered.
Not an apology. Empathy.
“Thank you.” Their fingers stilled, firmly entwined, and their palms stayed flush together. “I just… What if the foster home is like the others?”
Ollie looked a little lost for a moment. “Well, at least you’ll know? If it’s that terrible, we’ll get him out and in a new one. But what if…what if it’s an okay one?”
It was hard to believe, after fighting against it for so long, to accept that as a possibility. But wasn’t that what she was hoping for? “True. Ollie?” She looked Ollie straight in the eyes. “What if I can’t find him until I’m eighteen and can actually approach them to see him? That’s months away. I can’t not see him for months and months.”
The idea of not seeing Mattie for such a long time left a hole in Carmen so deep that if she fell down it, she didn’t think she’d ever crawl her way out.
Ollie rested their foreheads together. “I have an idea.”
Carmen was so tired. Exhaustion was crawling up her spine now. The notion of sleeping next to Ollie made her want to curl into her and let sleep pull her away. “You do?” she managed to ask.
“Deon might help us.”
“How?”
“Like he did with you… He, uh, is really good at hacking. Scarily so. We can find out where Mattie is placed, where he will go to school.” Ollie paused. “Maybe he could hack the hospital system.”
Her eyes were bright with the idea, and Carmen wanted to laugh, the urge bubbling up in her chest. “You look far too happy about the idea of doing something illegal.”
Clearly trying to look abashed, Ollie gave an awkward shrug. “It’s a little fun. And Deon really loved it.” For a second, she stared down at Carmen, smirking. “Are you high?”
“No!”
Maybe Carmen was floating a little, yet was pinned nicely to the bed. Her eyes were closing of their own accord. She was washed in Ollie, the feel of her. She really hadn’t slept at all.
“I think you’re high.”
“Those painkillers are strong…”
“Go to sleep.”
The hand in Carmen’s slipped away, and then before she could protest, Ollie’s fingers ran down the bridge of her nose, slowly and so softly she could barely feel it.
Carmen’s eyes fell shut. “If I sleep, will you be here when I wake up?”
“Maybe… I have to be home for dinner. But I can wake you when I leave, if you want?”
Carmen hummed her agreement. She wanted to open her eyes, but cement had set over them. Ollie smelled like something spicy—her shampoo or body wash. “Sleep with me?”
“Of course.”
“But don’t stop that.”
The finger on the bridge of her nose didn’t slow. “Not until you’re asleep.”
Their breathing synchronized, and Carmen hummed again. “It feels good.”
“My mom used to do it to me when I was little.”
Those words didn’t seem as heavy as they normally would, not as explosive. Sadness at the word mom didn’t coat the words as thickly as normal. A distant thought in the back of Carmen’s mind prickled at her. “I think mine did too once. But when I was really, really small.”
That was one of her last thoughts before she slept. Also, that Mattie had liked it. And the feeling of Ollie all around her.
Chapter 22
Sunshine was pouring over the footpath, spilling out to make patterns on the cement. Walking along, soaked in light, fingers entwined with Ollie’s, Carmen felt tugged in two. Guilt was colliding with pure contentment in her stomach, twisting in on each other and leaving her uncertain and walking unknown ground.
Being with Ollie, not in the bar, not throwing glances at each other, not smothered by omission, felt right. Real. Like Carmen was settled, ease slipping under her skin and soothing away the utter, gasping harshness of the last few years. But it was tainted. Because Mattie wasn’t with them or waiting for them back at the warehouse or waiting anywhere that Carmen knew. The only reason she was with Ollie right then was because she’d left Mattie behind at the hospita
l.
“Are you okay?”
Carmen pressed farther up along Ollie’s side. “I am.”
“Nervous?”
They paused outside a house, Ollie pulling Carmen’s hand to turn her so they were facing each other. Carmen shook her head. “No.”
Ollie’s lips twitched, and Carmen got the feeling she was smothering a smile. The fingers of her other hand slipped into Carmen’s, and their foreheads came together. Ollie’s lips were so close to Carmen’s she could kiss her. No one else was on the quiet suburban street. They had a pocket of the universe just for them, filled with the warmth of the sun on the crowns of their heads and the distant sound of a lawn mower. But her hands were still a little clammy, her heart fluttering a bit too fast.
“Yes, you are.”
“Okay, I am.” Carmen let the words whisper out. “What if he can’t find anything?” What if Mattie was lost to her, adrift in the system?
“He will.” Ollie turned her head just slightly, their noses brushing together. “Deon’s that good.”
“He was seriously taken away and warned?”
“Yup.” Ollie’s eyes sparkled, lit up like the sun hitting the sea. How could someone so warm revel in such mayhem? “He really was. He hasn’t told us what went down, but I think they’ll end up recruiting him.”
“Wow.”
Ollie pulled back a little. “Wanna go in?”
The house next to them was very neat, suburban. A green bike lay on its side on the porch. Carmen took a deep breath. For a moment, she let the air settle in her lungs before blowing it out slowly. Finally, she nodded.
Ollie’s fingers tightened. “Want something that will distract you?”
“Yes.”
“Dad asked if you wanted to come to dinner tonight.”
Carmen whipped her head around, that flutter in her chest speeding up. “What?”
Suddenly, Ollie looked away, and Carmen wanted to cup her cheeks and bring that gaze back to meet hers. So she did, her fingers gentle. “Do you want me to?”
Biting her lip, Ollie couldn’t quite meet her eye. “If you want to.”
“I have a black eye.”
“So?”
“Won’t he ask questions?”
“We could make something up?” Ollie shrugged, her hands against Carmen’s wrists.
She imagined Ollie could feel her pulse, bounding away beneath her fingertips.
“Or, ah, tell him the truth?” Ollie added.
The truth? Tell an adult that she was a runaway? That she had taken her brother, even more a minor than herself, and kept him out of school? Had gotten him hurt? “The truth?”
“Or as much of it as you want to. We could tell him you left foster care but have a place to stay and a job…which is all true.”
Trust Ollie? Or trust no one but herself, like usual? “Okay.”
Her answer surprised even herself a little. She didn’t want to keep building what she had with Ollie on lies. And that included what she told Ollie’s father. Who, despite everything that had happened between Ollie and him, was the most important person in Ollie’s life. She and Ollie had started on lies, and she’d just fixed that foundation: she didn’t want to rot anything further.
“Okay?” Ollie asked.
“Yeah.”
A slow smile, the one that always left Carmen breathless, curled Ollie’s lips up. “Great.”
She stamped a kiss on Carmen’s lips and turned, dropping one of her hands so Carmen was lead along by the other. Ollie let herself into Deon’s house, and Carmen followed a step behind, gaze roving over the inside. The house was huge, a polished wooden staircase leading up to the second story. But they went downstairs, Ollie tramping down the steps and Carmen following more delicately. They emerged in a space that was more like a living room than a basement. On one side was the biggest computer setup Carmen had ever seen. There were four screens and multiple things she didn’t have a word for.
“Hey, Deon.” Ollie sounded more cheerful than Carmen had ever heard before. The thought that it was because she was going to dinner with her dad and Carmen made Carmen want to hug her.
Deon spun around on a computer chair, his smile flashing and eyes like liquid wood. “Hey, guys. Hi, Carmen. It’s great to see you out of the bar.”
Carmen gave a wave, her own awkwardness creeping up on her. “Hi.”
Ollie all but pushed Carmen down onto a beanbag chair right beside Deon, then sat on the floor and used Carmen’s legs as a backrest. Carmen would have protested, but she knew Ollie would just glare at her and stare pointedly at her ribs until Carmen sat down anyway.
The way Ollie occupied space, moved through it and settled in among it, was both beautiful and beyond Carmen’s understanding. But Deon just sat heavily back in his chair, using his toe to swing himself slowly back and forth. As if it was normal for Ollie to make herself completely at home.
It seemed that for Ollie, like for Carmen, family went beyond blood and birth.
“So.” Ollie threw an arm over Carmen’s knee, wriggling so she was between Carmen’s legs. Finally following Ollie’s lead, Carmen shifted so she was more comfortable. “Any luck?”
Deon hummed. “Getting into the DCF files will be quite easy since I did it before.” He grimaced an apology at Carmen. “The hospital is taking more time. And when I do get through, it’ll depend on what they have on their intranet.”
“What do you mean?” Ollie asked.
“Hospitals tend to use a lot of written notes. The discharge is usually online, at least. So, basically, we won’t see much until he’s discharged.”
“That should be today.” Carmen’s eyes were focused on the screen. Nothing she saw made much sense to her, though.
“Great. Well, hopefully I’ll be through in an hour or so. I’ve been trying since I left school at two.”
“Free period this afternoon?” Ollie asked.
“Yup. And better, ’cause my parents work late tonight, so it’s given me a really good chunk of time. But,” he said, his entire face lighting up with another grin, one that reminded Carmen of a cheeky kid, “I don’t think I’ll need that long. I’ll be through soon.”
“You’re awesome.”
“I know.” He winked and turned back to his computer, his fingers flying over keys and stopping occasionally to adjust some of the things hooked up to it all.
Ollie’s legs kicked out, and she sprawled back as much as she could against Carmen. They were there for two hours, the time passing with the clacking of keys and the murmuring of their voices. Ollie’s laugh trickled out like rain, and Deon occasionally snorted at something Ollie said. They shared stories of school, and somehow Carmen found herself pulled into the conversation.
Those moments at the bar, when she’d wished she and Ollie were like other teenagers, that they could spend their time wrapped in each other among friends, walking between their lockers—all of that seemed closer just then than it ever had before. Sharing her secrets, letting Ollie in, had led to something clicking between them. Something had always clicked; Carmen had always been drawn to Ollie. To the way she moved and smiled, to the way her eyes seemed as if they’d absorbed the sky yet turned that gravity onto Carmen. But now, the space between them was liquid, easily moved through, like it belonged to them.
“Got it.” Deon’s voice broke through her thoughts.
Ollie straightened, putting the bowl of popcorn Deon had procured on the floor next to her. Kernels fell off her chest from failed attempts to catch them in her mouth.
“The hospital?” Carmen asked.
He gave a quick shake of his head. “I’m almost in, but no. I meant DCF.”
Carmen sat up, Ollie’s hand digging into her leg, and stared at the screen. “What does it say?”
“No, Matthew Anders.” Deon typed it in without question, but Ollie looked over her shoulder, inquiry in her eyes. “García was my dad’s last name. Anders was my mom’s. We don’t know who his dad is. I don’t think Mom ever told him.”
Ollie gave her a look Carmen couldn’t quite decipher and a squeeze of her knee, then turned back to watch Deon. Carmen’s fingers played with the ends of Ollie’s hair, the feeling of it against her fingertips distracting her from the ball of anxiety sitting in her stomach.
“Date of birth?”
She told him.
“Got him.” Deon was reading, his lips moving slightly. “Okay, he has a placement, due to be there tonight, which means he must be getting discharged.” He looked down at her. “Still want me to get into the records?”
Carmen hesitated, not wanting to ask for too much. “Um…”
Before she could keep going, he shrugged. “Wait, of course you do. You’ll want to know he’s definitely cleared, right?”
Able to breathe easier since he understood, Carmen nodded. “Yeah.”
“No problem.” He turned back to the computer. “I like a challenge. Anyway, I’ll write down the address. I imagine the school will just be the one for that district.”
“Are— Are you able to look at the history of the foster family?”
Eyes down on the paper he was writing on, Deon shrugged. “Yeah, easy.” He passed the address he’d written down to Ollie, who held it over her shoulder for Carmen to take. She read it three times as Deon tapped a few keys, wanting to remember it in case she lost it. “Right…the family. They’ve been in the system as a foster family for ten years, have one kid of their own, no complaints in any of their subfolders.”
That was something. Though this might not necessarily mean they were a good family. So much was never reported. But still, it was something. “Thanks, Deon. Am, uh…am I in there?”
A few swipes and taps. “Your last update was yesterday. Some info about how you were assumed to be with your brother in New York, but it was unknown. Updated yesterday to say…that you never left the city, and your brother states he’s been alone with another group of runaways in various locations. He states he was looking for you but only found you the day you were mugged. He claimed you were taking him back to DCF when it happened. He was never on a bus with you to New York and said he knew nothing about it. It says you’re presumed to be in the city and that you’re due to age out in a few months.” He whistled slowly. “Is that not so subtle talk for they don’t really care about you anymore?”