by Jamie Knight
Now, I didn’t even have my mom. But, I still had Grace. And ice cream.
Don't get me wrong; I wasn't saying that I felt anything close to that with Bradley. We had hardly known each other but a few days. I was well aware that what I had been feeling was something simmering, just beneath the surface. Thinking about him made me feel good. Being near him made me imagine things that made me smile. And while I knew that what I had been imagining was basically impossible, it felt wonderful.
I wanted that feeling to continue and grow, not to fall flat like this. I had thought that things were finally starting to go well in my life and that I could have happiness. Instead, he left.
And to go on a date with another woman. Who was she? Where did she come from? He hadn't even mentioned anything about another woman.
But, then again, his love life hadn't been the topic of conversation. We spent our time talking about everything but love. The few run-ins that we did have seemed to toe the line made me on edge, more or less. All I had been trying to do is see how we could kick-start things so that they could really get interesting.
I got my ice cream and a spoon and headed for the couch. I had been saving a movie in the DVR recorder for a day just like this, a day when I just wanted to dive into the center of my emotions and let them all hang out.
It was The Notebook. It was such a sweet, romantic tale that I got drawn into it every time. It made me think of a simpler time when love was real. And it made me want that for myself.
I cried at the sad parts, dabbing my face with tissues that I had wadded up, watching little droplets of tears fall into my carton of ice cream. I didn't care, though. I felt as if everything was completely hopeless, so who cared if I was crying into my ice cream and eating my own tears?
Chapter 22
Natalia
The movie was just about wrapping up when I heard the door open and Bradley walked through the door. I yelled out, startled, startling him in the process.
“We have got to stop greeting each other like this,” he said, comically, while grinning.
That grin, along with the look on his face, communicated his ease and lack of ease all at the same time. I must’ve seemed like a little child, compared to all he’d seen and done. God, he was so cool and collected.
I smiled brightly despite being angry at him for going on a date. I just couldn’t seem to help myself.
“I just didn’t expect to see you home so soon,” I said.
“Yeah, you and me both,” he said, sighing dejectedly.
He leaned against the wall by the door, absentmindedly rubbing his neck, staring off into the distance as if he were trying to figure out a puzzle. It seemed he wasn’t sure whether he should talk to me, or maybe he wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to say.
“Well, it's good to see you,” I said, hoping that I didn't sound as desperate as I was feeling.
“Yeah, you too...” he said, his voice trailing off.
He walked off toward the direction of his bedroom, leaving me standing and looking after him. I went and sat on the couch, glancing around the corner, down the hall every now and then to see if he was going to come out and join me.
I could see the light on from under his door and couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. After a while, I looked again and saw that the light was off. My heart sank a little.
“Hey, you want some company?” came his voice from the darkness. I almost jumped again, but I was happy to know that he was still awake, and had apparently decided we should talk.
“Sure,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant. But, really, I wanted to jump up and do a happy dance.
He was dressed in PJ pants and a tank top and looked as sad as I felt. I asked myself if I really wanted to find out everything that had happened on this date of his, or if there are some things that are better left unsaid and unknown. I contented myself with sitting next to him and just being in his presence.
“Where's the popcorn?” he asked, looking all over for it.
“No popcorn tonight,” I said, holding up my empty carton of ice cream. “Haagen-Daaz was the treat for the night.”
“Mint chocolate,” he said, his eyes lighting up. “My favorite. Do you mind?”
He reached for the empty carton before I had a chance to say anything and frowned with exaggeration when he saw that it was empty. He was so hilarious and genuine at the same time, that I didn’t know if I could let out my laugh. He scraped the spoon around in the empty carton, looking so sad.
“Not many people like mint chocolate ice cream,” I said, crossing my arms.
“Tell me about it,” he said. “I think that I started eating it for that very reason. Living in a small house with tons of people coming and going all the time, you learn little secrets to keeping what you want. I found that having interests and tastes that were different from other people helped with that. While my brothers were busy ripping through all of the other snacks in the house, I rested easy at night knowing that my mint chocolate chip ice cream would be sitting pretty in the freezer. I guess I'll have no such luck here.”
He sighed, faking the intensity again.
I giggled uncontrollably and unexpectedly. I knew I thought he was sexy but I was beginning to also see just how much I also loved the laughter he made in me. That’s sexy too.
He sat the carton on the table and leaned back. Now that his grinning and winking had stopped, he actually looked worn out.
Quickly, I remembered the other mint chocolate chip carton in the freezer. I volunteered, “How about I get another? I always keep a spare on hand.”
Before he could answer, I jumped up from the couch and ran into the kitchen. I grabbed a bag of popcorn and dumped it into a bowl. I pulled out the other carton of ice cream and grabbed another spoon.
I checked my reflection in the glass on the cabinet before returning to the living room to make sure that I looked okay. Other than my hair being a bit frizzy from the approach of summer, I had to admit that I looked pretty good.
I marched back into the living room, snacks in hand, and plopped next to Bradley on the couch. I sat right next to him, feeling the warmth of his leg against mine. This time, he didn't move away. That made me feel happy and more hopeful.
“I hope you don't mind that I've put on a different movie,” he said, sounding apologetic. “I just can't take the depressing stuff right now.”
I looked up at the screen and saw that he was watching a comedy. Had I been thinking, I would have realized that that probably would have been a better idea in terms of cheering me up rather than watching a sad romantic movie.
But, I knew that I wasn't going to pay attention to the new movie anyway, now that Bradley was sitting there. I was more curious about how his date had gone, despite also wondering if finding out about it would lead to more harm than good.
“So, how did your date go?” I asked, drawing my legs up under me and angling my body so that I could see him better.
He winced and shook his head.
“Let's just say that it was definitely ice cream-worthy,” he said. A laugh spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to think.
“Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I don't mean to laugh. But, I have been there. I was always under the impression that only women drowned their sorrows in a carton of ice cream.”
“Oh no,” he said, shaking his head vigorously. “Men do the same thing. We just do it secretly, so that no one will know. I, on the other hand, proudly wear my ice cream eating binges like a badge of honor.”
He smiled, as his heavy fist rapped on his hard chest.
“Okay, what happened?” I asked, my curiosity starting to get the better of me, but also suspicion. “You're such an amazing, charming, and handsome man. How in the world could any date with you not be awesome?”
“Why, thank you… for the compliment,” he said, smiling graciously with a hint of coolness behind his sharp eyes. “But I have a confession to make.”
“Well, what is it?
” I asked, genuinely curious now. I felt stabs of jealousy but also intrigue as I wondered what this confession could be.
“I didn’t really have a date today,” he said.
I looked at him in shock, my mouth hanging open. What? No date? If he had only known the agony I had gone through, thinking of him on this non-existent date. I guessed I should feel happy that it hadn’t happened, but I was more stunned, and rather upset that he had lead me into thinking that there was a date when there wasn’t.
I was too surprised to say anything. My eyes were glued to him as he continued.
“I went on a dating app because I thought I needed to find something— someone— to distract me from… everything. But I couldn’t end up going through with it. I just felt that the timing wasn’t right. And then I got a job interview, so I thought I should show up for that instead.”
I stared at him in confusion. So that was why he was so dressed up, claiming to be going on a date in the middle of the day. It all made more sense now. Except it also brought up a couple more questions. Ones that were so burning inside me, I couldn’t help but ask them.
Chapter 23
Natalia
“Why did you not want to go on a date?” I asked Bradley.
He opened his mouth and then closed it again, looking hesitant. I could tell he wanted to say something more and then thought better of it.
“I’ve been afraid to show my scars for the first time to anyone,” he finally said. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
I looked over at him and saw the redness in his eyes. They held a pained look of loneliness, one that I knew all too well.
It was then that I realized that he hadn't been with anyone since his accident. I could see that he didn’t want his first attempt at anything romantically to be rejected, because of his accident, which was the very thing that made him self-conscious.
“I’m sure they’re not as bad as you think they are,” I tried to reassure him.
“They’re pretty bad,” he said, with a sigh. “I noticed the nurse flinch when she pulled back the sheets in my hospital bed. And she’s a trained professional, experienced at seeing such things and dealing with such patients. It was obviously still shocking, even to her. I can only imagine what a woman that I wanted to get… intimate… with might think of them.”
I couldn’t believe that nurse. It made me angry that someone could be so shallow. Here he was, an incredible man, one with virtue and honor, something that you didn't find every day, and because of something as superficial as an accident, she flinched. Even though I knew it was probably a visceral reaction she couldn’t control, I still wished I could go give her a piece of my mind.
However, while I was angry that he had gone through that, part of me felt relieved that he didn’t go on the date, for whatever reason. It gave me the chance to spend more time with him. This was it and I was going for it. It was time I asked him my other question.
“I’m sorry that happened,” I told him. “But I really don’t think it should scare you off from ever dating. I guess what I’m wanting to know, then, is… why did you tell me you were going on a date if you weren’t?”
He looked at me, suddenly aware that I’d caught him hiding something from me. It was obvious that he had been telling me part of the truth but there was more to it. Now, I was asking for all of it.
“Natalia,” he said, in a way that made my name sound more beautiful than it ever had before. “I’ll go ahead and be honest with you. It seems I’m no good at lying anyway. I was trying to go on a date because I wanted to distract myself from you. I felt I’ve been too focused on… you… and that it’s inappropriate, due to… the age difference and your father helping me out so much… so, I wanted to try going on a date with someone else.”
My heart was doing somersaults as he told me this, but I didn’t want to interrupt him by saying anything. I was so happy to find out that he had been thinking about me as much as I’d been thinking about him.
“Since my whole goal was to put distance between us,” he continued, “even though I couldn’t bring myself to go on an actual date, I decided to just tell you that’s where I was going, so that in case you were having the same… inclinations… that I was, that you would realize it’s only right for you to focus on other things like I was doing, or planning to do. Boys your own age, and such.”
I looked at him and shook my head, because dating boys my own age was the last thing I wanted to do. But now that he was talking, it seemed he didn’t want to stop.
“I went to the job interview, which I guess went all right, but we’ll see if they call me back,” he said. “And then I went to the library and looked at some interview and resume books, and read a bit of a military suspense book, anything to try to get my mind off you. When I got home and saw you here though, I realized it was all futile. No matter what I try, you’re still on my mind.”
It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me. I wanted to plunge in head first and not be afraid of where the leap would take us. I wanted to know Bradley— all of him.
“I want to see your scars,” I blurted out, before I had time to realize—or back out of—what I was saying.
Bradley turned his head slowly and looked at me, confused, like he was trying to see if I was being serious or joking. When he saw that I was serious, he shook his head so hard, I thought I’d ruined everything.
“No, that's okay,” he said, crossing his leg and shifting away from me slightly. But, I pressed on.
“No, seriously, I want to see them. I know that you’re afraid to show them to me, but I promise I won’t think badly of you. I just want to know all of you—how you really are.”
“You know, I don’t think that’s the best idea,” he said. “I know I’ve just bared my soul but we really need to think about the best next step here, which might be none at all. I appreciate what you're trying to do, though.”
I didn't bother to hide my disappointment. He was pushing me away again. I didn't want to wake up tomorrow and see that he was going on yet another date, so I took my chance and did something that I didn't think that I would ever do.
I got down on my knees and started trying to lift up the leg of his PJ bottoms.
“Whoa, stop...” he said, reaching down to catch my hand.
I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me. I had crossed the line and I knew it. I had no idea what I was thinking or why I was acting this way. It was as if something had come over me and was pushing me to do things that weren’t normally within my character.
“I'm sorry,” I began, standing up and backing away.
“No, it's okay,” he said, apologetically. “It's just that you can't see the scars that way. The only way that you can see them is if I pull down my pants. And that’s a no-go.” His voice was final.
“It doesn’t have to be like that,” I offered quickly. I didn’t want to lose this moment. “I’m just… here for you.”
My words had a strange effect on him. As certain as he’d just seemed, now it was like I’d turned his lock and the deadbolt had fallen away. He nodded slowly, more to himself than me.
“Okay,” he said, to no one in particular.
This was it. This was go time. It wasn’t the way I had been expecting it to happen, but it was happening, and I was ready.
Chapter 24
Natalia
Bradley put his hands on the waist of his pants, getting ready to pull them down. I looked away shyly, wanting to give him some sense of dignity. When he had pulled his pants down, I looked back at him.
For a moment, I just stood there, staring at his scars in silence. His boxers stayed up, covering his manhood. Just under the boxers’ hem on his thigh, a sinewy line wove down the side of his leg, towards his knee. There, the line split like a river with many tributaries. Organic. Natural. It almost looked like body art.
Neither one of us spoke. The scars weren't exactly what you’d see on sports models, but they weren't bad at all. I
n fact, I found them kind of beautiful, in terms of visual appeal, but I also found them as proof of his bravery. I told him as much.
“I would hardly say that I got these scars being brave,” he said, sinking his head down. “I was just doing my job.”
“Are you being serious right now?” I asked, incredulously. “You chose that job. You could have chosen to do something else. You could have easily been a mechanic at any auto body shop. Or a self-employed mechanic. I know plenty of those guys who live around town, guys I went to school with. But, you decided to lend your skills to the United States Air Force in service of your country. And you got into an accident in combat. But, the thing is, even though the scars are something that you feel self-conscious about, you really shouldn't. These scars are proof that you survived.”
He gave me a look like he wasn't convinced.
I reached over and touched his scars gently, my fingers tracing the ridges that snaked around his thigh. Bradley closed his eyes and leaned his head back, his breath getting heavier by the second.
I could tell that he was enjoying the feel of my fingers gingerly running up and down his leg. He picked up a throw pillow and put it over his crotch. I couldn't be sure, but I had a feeling that he was hard and didn't want me to see it.
I couldn't resist any longer and wanted to take my chance before it escaped me yet again. I leaned down and tenderly kissed his hip. His eyes snapped open and he looked down at me as if he were trying to make sure that it was really happening.
He moved his hand toward me like he was going to push me away and hesitated. I kept on kissing his scars, landing juicy wet kisses on every inch of where there was scar tissue. His hand was resting on my shoulders as I kissed him.
Since he didn't stop me, I took it a step further. I stuck out my tongue and started licking his scars. He sucked air between his teeth, his eyes rolling up in his head. I reached over and felt around his underwear, pushing my hand over the fabric to feel his dick underneath.