by Jamie Knight
“Would you just let me talk?” I asked, irritated.
“Geez, okay,” said Grace, putting her hands up in front of her like she was surrendering. I ignored her display and continued my story.
“So, anyway, I was a complete mess, crying. That's when I texted you. And I was just a mess. I sat there watching movies and eating ice cream...”
“Mint chocolate chip, I'm sure,” she quipped, holding up her bowl that was almost empty.
“You know me so well,” I said, smiling appreciatively. “Well, he ended up coming back relatively early. He was only gone for a couple of hours. And when he came back, I asked him how everything went and he told me that he had a confession to make.”
“What?” exclaimed Grace, leaning closer to me, her eyes wide open like she was hanging onto every word. She motioned with her hand for me to continue.
“So, I asked him what happened and he told me that he had lied about going on a date because he had wanted to stop focusing on me so much and wanted me to stop focusing on him.”
“I knew it,” said Grace, with a devilish grin. “I knew that he was into you.”
“Yeah, and he said he was afraid of opening up to me, to let me see his injuries from war. So, I told him that I wanted to see his scars. And then, he started pulling down his pants...”
“Oh my God!” blurted out Grace. She clapped both hands over her mouth and I gave her a withering look. She looked at me apologetically and waited for me to continue.
“And we made love. It was so incredible. Well, actually, first he gave me oral and made me wait until the next day to decide if I wanted to actually fuck. When I totally did, of course, he took me to a beautiful meadow and laid me down. He was so gentle with me, taking time to make sure that I was okay. It felt good and hurt at the same time. And then, he kind of lost control and started fucking me fast and hard. It was so different from anything I’d known. But then, I didn’t want it to stop. We started doing it multiple times a day. And always, afterwards, we’d sleep together. Like, actually going to sleep, holding each other. It was amazing, the whole week. I one day, I woke up, happy and excited, making him breakfast. And... and... ”
I could feel the tears starting to build again.
“What happened, Natalia?” asked Grace softly, putting her hand on my shoulder.
The tears were running freely now as the memory of what happened overtook me.
“He told me that us sleeping together was a huge mistake and that it could never happen again. And he said that he was moving out.”
I fell apart, hugging my friend tightly as I cried. I felt so miserable, so helpless. And even though I loved my friend Grace dearly, all I really wanted was to be in Bradley's arms.
But, I knew that that wasn't going to happen. So, the tears came harder and faster. And I didn't bother trying to muffle the sound. I sobbed loud and hard, feeling the pain in my core.
“Knock, knock,” came my dad's voice from the doorway. He peeked around the corner sheepishly, holding out a three-pack of Kleenex.
“Come in,” I said, trying to wipe my face.
But, it was too late. He already noticed my face. I couldn't look at him. Oh, great. My dad was not the person I wanted to be talking to about any of this.
Chapter 30
Natalia
Unlike Bradley, throughout the whole time that we spent together, even though I knew that my dad probably wouldn't like the fact that Bradley and I had ended up spending time together and having sex, I put him as far out of my mind as possible. I was just focused on how good it felt being with him. But, with Dad standing there, it was impossible to ignore him.
“I don't mean to intrude,” he said, handing me the Kleenex. “I just heard you crying and thought that I would come and help however I can. I've never been good with the tears, but that doesn't mean that I don't care in my own way. If it would help, I can go beat the guy up. Just show me where he is and it's done. Nobody is going to break my baby girl's heart and get away with it.”
Grace laughed loudly, sounding like a clanging bell. My dad smiled sheepishly, happy that his joke had landed.
I knew that he was trying to lighten the mood, but part of me wondered if there wasn't some truth to his statement. Even though the laugh made his eyes light up, his jaw was clenched, as if he were holding back some pent up anger. It made me wonder what would happen if he did find out the truth.
My dad had never been around for the high school break ups that I had gone through because he was always deployed. But, given his vast military experience, I bet that no guy would have ever even wanted to risk getting him angry enough to come after them.
There was one guy in particular who had shattered my heart into a million pieces. Looking back on the situation, I realized how silly it was for me to be so crushed.
I was a junior in high school and the guy, Greg, was a senior. He was a bad boy, sporting a leather jacket and always had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He was almost never in school because he would always get into trouble and get kicked out. But, he didn't care. He had a Harley motorcycle that he would ride. I remembered that I would always watch him curiously after school.
One day, he spotted me watching him. He was talking to a couple of his friends. I thought that he was deep in conversation, but then, he looked up, his eyes fixed on me. He kept staring at me, even when I tried to look away and pretend that I wasn't watching him. I went home that night and couldn’t stop thinking about him and his haunting eyes.
The next day, when I came out of school, he jumped on his Harley, revved up the engine, and beckoned for me to join him. At first, I wasn't sure if he was pointing at me. I looked around and saw no one else standing near me and pointed at myself. He smiled and nodded. The walk to his bike seemed to take forever. I felt like my feet felt like they weighed a ton each.
When I finally got to his bike, he didn't say a word. He just turned around and waited for me to get myself situated on his bike.
“Hold on,” was all he said before lifting the kickstand and riding off.
I felt like such a bad ass, like a girl in one of the movies who gets the guy. He rode for a while until he pulled over in the middle of nowhere. There were a bunch of fields with tall grass everywhere. He rode in the middle of one where the grass had been run over already. He turned off his bike and got off. He extended his hand toward me and I took it.
We walked for a few yards until we came to a small pond. He sat down on the side of it and just stared out over the water. I wasn't quite sure what was going on, so I just sat next to him and waited.
“What's your name?” he asked gruffly.
I swallowed hard, feeling jittery like I had a belly full of butterflies.
“Natalia,” I said quietly.
“You wanna be my girl?” he asked.
I was flustered for a moment. I hadn't expected that he would come right out and say that. I thought about it for a moment. I had never been with someone like him. I figured that, at the very least, it would be quite an adventure.
“Uh, sure,” I said, immediately feeling stupid for answering like that. But, he didn't seem to care.
“Good,” he said.
We sat there for a little while longer, just staring off into the distance. It was a kind of silence where, even though neither one of us spoke, it was relatively comfortable. I didn't feel like I had to fill the air with mindless chatter with him. I could just be.
He turned toward me and kissed me hard on the mouth, his tongue flicking in and out of my mouth. He kissed me like he had done it plenty of times before. I, on the other hand, felt awkward. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. I asked him to please slow down and give me some time.
We was obviously upset about it. He roughly put me back on this bike and drove me back without saying a word.
The next day, I came out of school and saw his Harley pulling off without me. But, not only was it pulling off without me, it was pulling off with Jessica, a girl with a
reputation in school for being with a lot of guys, on the back. She was wearing a skirt that was riding up her leg almost showing her butt.
I was so crushed. I burst out in tears as soon as his Harley was out of view. I knew he would be taking her to the same place he took me. I was sure that they would do a lot more than just kiss if the rumors about her were true.
I went home that night and told my mom about what Greg had done and she pulled the mint chocolate chip ice cream out of the freezer and talked and cried with me until I fell asleep.
Sitting there on my bed crying with Grace over Bradley made me wonder how my dad would have handled things back then with Greg, knowing everything that had happened. I could imagine him finding him, pulling him up by his collar, and beating him to a bloody pulp in my defense.
It was then that I realized just what might happen if my dad did find out that Bradley and I had been together. Seeing my dad standing there, simmering beneath the surface without knowing the details made me realize that, if he did know the full truth, he would have blown his top. He would have hunted Bradley down and would have hurt him or even killed him.
I shuddered at the thought.
Immediately, I let go of any anger that I might have been feeling about Bradley. I didn't want him to get hurt, especially not because of me. I started to understand that him moving out was a protection for both of us. What I thought was just him being stubborn at first was really him trying to avoid an avoidable catastrophe.
I had been falling hard for Bradley and had started wanting him constantly, but it was almost impossible for us to even be together. The fact that he and my father were so close made it so that the only way that things could end between us would be in disaster. So, it was good that things had ended the way that they did, on a relatively good note. Despite my being upset at him leaving, I still only had good things to say about Bradley.
“Don't worry, Dad,” I said, trying to sound perky. “You don't have to beat anyone up. It wasn't anything serious, anyway. I'll be okay.”
My dad looked at me, his eyes searching mine for any signs of a lie. I looked back at him, hoping that he would be reassured that I was telling the truth.
“Well, alright,” he said reluctantly. “If you need anything, let me know. I'm here for you.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead before leaving the room and closing the door.
The door had barely shut before Grace popped up.
“Whoa!” she said, clutching her chest. “I thought I was gonna have a heart attack! Your dad is pretty intense, Natalia.”
“Tell me about it,” I said, brushing back my hair absentmindedly.
“Can you imagine what he would do if he found out about Bradley?” she whispered inches away from my face.
“Yeah, I can,” I said frowning.
“But, like you said, you'll be okay. This is just a momentary thing. You'll be right back to your old self in no time.”
Even though I was still nursing my emotional wounds of not being able to be with Bradley in the way that I wanted to be, I knew that she was right. I would be okay. I would get over it and move on. I might even find someone else that I could be with.
I knew that I would be okay. I would live. But, I wasn't sure if I would ever really be happy again. I did know that I would never be able to forget Bradley, and all I could do was try to keep the happy memories of him without feeling too upset about what had to happen.
Chapter 31
Bradley
“Do you guys have any aux cords that light up?” came a voice behind me. I whirled around and saw a girl standing there with curly green hair.
Because of my injury, I couldn't work as a mechanic anymore. My knees and back would give out if I tried to bear too much weight on them for too long. So, I found a job at an electronics store. It was the job I had interviewed for when I’d told Natalia I was going on a date. At least that had ended up working out.
The job was simple enough, most days. But sometimes I would get unusual requests, like that one. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why someone would want a cord that lit up. But, it was my job to help every customer who walked in, no matter how strange the request.
“No, ma'am,” I said. “But, I can help you find some other cool gadgets that light up in the car if you would like.”
She looked mildly disappointed for a minute and then lit up.
“Okay,” she said, waiting for me to walk so that she could follow me.
I walked across the store to an area where there was a kaleidoscope of lights flickered all over. It was news to me, when I first started here, how much people liked their shit lit up these days.
“Here you go,” I said, pointing toward the wall of devices. “I'm sure that you can find something here that you will like.”
Her eyes immediately went to a radio that had green lights blinking on it.
“Why, thanks,” she said, running her fingers along the dials.
“You're welcome, “ I said, turning and walking away.
Typical interaction for my workday: deep, insightful, thought-provoking. Oh, these meaningful, action-filled days of mine…
When my shift was over, I closed the store, turned off all of the lights, and walked the few blocks to my apartment. I was happy that I had been able to find a place so quickly and getting a job that was within walking distance helped, too. It was part of the reason I had chosen to live in the apartment complex that I did.
I opened the door to my apartment, turned on the lights, and walked in and looked around. It still took a little getting used to. Here, I had a very modest studio apartment. But it was just enough for me. I didn't need much and liked that about my style. It had already been two weeks since I had moved in, but I still had most of my things pushed into a corner. Honestly, my room was mostly just a bed and a dresser.
I pulled clothes out of my suitcase for each day and discarded the ones that I wore into a pile in another corner. I felt like I was going through the motions, trying to live what I considered to be a normal life, but it mostly felt surreal.
I took a shower and got ready to go to sleep when my phone rang.
My heart paused for a minute when I saw that it was James. We hadn't really talked since I moved out. And every day, I waited for the call that would come where he was screaming and yelling, telling me that he was coming after me for what had happened between Natalia and I. I knew that there was no way that I would ever be ready for that, but I knew, if that day did come, I would have to be ready.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Hey there, my man Brad,” he said, cheerfully. “Sorry if I'm disturbing you, but I wanted to give you a call and see how things are going?”
I sighed with relief. This wasn't that call.
“They’re going pretty well,” I answered, trying to sound upbeat. “How's everything on your end?”
“All is well here,” he said. “I'm glad to hear that you're adjusting well. Say, what are you doing this weekend?”
I had no social life to speak of, so I didn't have to look at my calendar to find that answer.
“Nothing at the moment,” I said. “I was thinking of picking up some extra shifts at work to pad the ol’ wallet and not get bored.”
I found that working helped to keep me busy and keep my mind off of Natalia.
“Naw, man, don't do that,” said James, dismissively. “I'm having a barbecue this weekend here. You should swing by. It should be a great time.”
It had been a long time since I had been invited to any type of party. I knew it would be a good idea to get some social interaction. Plus, I had been dying to know how Natalia had been doing, but I dared not ask her father while we were on the phone.
I wasn't sure that my tone wouldn't give me away. I figured that I would just wait to see her at the barbecue that weekend. That way, I could blend in with the crowd of people there and interact with other people, but still keep a watchful eye on her.
I went to sleep that night with my heart quickening, thinking about her and couldn't wait to see her that weekend.
The next couple of days of work seemed to drag on as I waited until the weekend to see her. I was not as attentive at work. A few customers had given me funny looks as they asked me the same question over and over. I covered with my usual wit and jokes. It was useless, I tried to get my mind off of her, to focus on work, but it was nearly impossible.
I missed her so much.
Saturday morning, I woke up well before the sun even came up. I was so excited that I couldn't even stay in bed. The green woods were calling and I answered with a long hike. It definitely helped in clearing my mind. Soothing as always. Bird chirping, butterflies swooping, the quiet hum of life flourishing around me—this was good stuff.
When I got home, I stripped and got ready to shower. But I caught a glance at my reflection in the mirror above the sink. My hair was getting longer up top, and I remembered my younger self with a bangin’ late 90s skater cut I did myself back then, with only hair-clippers and a cocksure attitude. In no time flat, clippers in hand, I recreated the spirit of that look, shaving the sides and back and leaving the top a bit longer. Then I swept up the cuttings, took a shower and got dressed.
I put on black pants that actually fit and a tight V-neck shirt that gripped my biceps. I looked myself over in the mirror and saw a refreshed me. I decided that I didn't look half bad. The barbecue didn't start until noon, so I distracted myself with a juicy Tom Clancy novel until it was time to go.
I felt nervous, something that I hardly ever felt. I had been driving a rental car for the couple of weeks that I had moved into my place. A slick, new Chevy Impala, and I couldn’t believe my luck in getting the 300 horsepower model. It was a vehicle of quality and I for one, appreciated a good machine.