by Jamie Knight
Chapter 37
Bradley
My knuckles were white as I clenched my steering wheel, on my way to a restaurant to have lunch with James. He called me up out of the blue. Asked me to meet him.
“There's a lot going on right now and I could really use a friend,” he had droned, sounding more tired than I had ever heard before. “Do you think that you can meet me at La Señorita for lunch tomorrow?”
It had been a little over a month since the last time that I had seen him at the barbecue that he had at his house. We hadn't talked at all since then. I know that he had been busy traveling, but I had been too embarrassed to call him, even to say hello. My conscience had been so weighed down with the knowledge of what I had done that I felt guilty whenever I so much as thought about him or Natalia.
And I thought about her all of the time. Her bright face. Her supple body. Her lilting voice. I still found myself getting hard, imagining being inside of her. Part of me wished that I could have just one more time with her. But, I knew that that wasn't possible. The thought alone made me stay away from James, however.
When his name flashed across the screen of my smartphone, I thought that I was going to swallow my tongue.
This is it, I thought. This is the call where he reams me a new one. My hands were cold when I answered the phone. When he asked if I could meet him for lunch, I obliged. My logical mind said all was fine, but stray fears popped up, that I wasn’t completely positive that he didn't want to confront me about his daughter.
At any rate, I thought that my best bet would be to meet him in a public place, so I agreed. I figured if he was going to punch my lights out, it would be better to do it at a restaurant where, at the very least, someone could call an ambulance. Or, depending on how things went, the coroner.
I had the memory of James preparing for battle forever burned in my memory.
If he ever found out what I had done, I was pretty sure that my life would be over.
I walked in the cozy restaurant and spotted James already seated in a corner. He waved me down. We shared a small table near a window where we had a clear view of the street outside.
I saw people walking back and forth hurriedly, not paying much attention to what was going on behind the glass walls separating our two realities. Most on the sidewalk strode with their heads down, their faces buried in phones. I was engrossed in staring out at them through the window when James's voice cut into my distracted thoughts.
“Thanks for taking the time to meet with me,” he said, flipping through the menu. “Things have been kind of crazy at the house lately and I thought it was time to talk to someone other than the four walls.”
James wasn't a huge talker from what I remembered about him. So, the fact that he admitted needing to talk to someone were red flags to me. I picked up the glass of water in front of me, willing my hands not to shake as I lifted it to my lips and took a sip before speaking.
“Oh?” I asked, keeping my voice even. “I know that Natalia is your daughter and you don't want to burden her with your stuff, but I'm sure that having her there for company is pretty nice.”
He shook his head and stared at the table sadly. He looked like he had lost his best friend.
“Natalia isn't even at home anymore,” he said. “She moved in with her friend Grace. She's been by the house a few times, but I haven't really seen much of her. I think it's a combination of me being gone all of the time and her just wanting to move on with her life. I feel like I've lost so much time with her because of being in the military, time that I can never get back.”
He tossed the tortilla chip in his calloused hand down onto the empty salad plate in front of him. He sighed then addressed me.
Thoughtfully, he said, “Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the time that I spent serving my country, but I also wish that I would have been with her for those moments that meant the most to her. And I guess that I thought that, with me traveling less now, I could make up for lost time, that she would want to stay at home longer.
His eyes looked far away as he continued. “But, for some reason, it was almost like she was itching to get away. I didn't think that it would be as hard as it is.”
He stopped talking and sat there fidgeting his hands. I really felt sorry for him. But, at the same time, I had a hard time focusing on anything other than the fact that Natalia had left home.
I wondered if it had something to do with me, and what had happened between us. I had hoped that my leaving would have been enough space between us, but maybe the house brought up too many painful memories for her. The last time I saw her, she looked sickly and depressed. Maybe she was running away from the house in an effort to put the memory of us being intimate in her house behind her.
I felt so guilty that I could barely look at James. But, I felt like I needed to say something to try easing his mind.
“Well, these things happen,” I said. “I know that it must be hard, but we all had to leave the nest at some point. And Natalia is a smart girl. She's mature. Even though you may not have been as active in her life as you would have hoped to be, you can tell that you instilled some great values in her. She will be okay. And you, old man, need to get a dog or a hobby. Maybe even a girlfriend.”
We both roared with laughter at that.
“You're probably right,” he said. “I just need to learn to let go. It's just really lonely in that house, lonelier than it's ever been. And even though I'm hardly there at all, there's just something haunting about being the only person there now. I'm sure I'll get over that, though.”
I understood what he meant. Living in my new apartment brought on a loneliness that I had never experienced. I went from living in a house full of people to the military where I lived with a bunch of guys. Then, I lived with James and Natalia.
This was the first time in my life that I had been completely alone. And I was struggling with it. Getting a taste of living with Natalia, even if only temporarily, made me wish that I didn't live solo. The only person I could imagine living with and being around was Natalia. But, for obvious reasons, that could never happen.
“Loneliness is just a part of the deal sometimes,” I said shrugging. “I know I'm not a father, but you should feel proud that your daughter feels secure enough in her adulthood to even want to move out. Some kids never feel that strong and never leave the nest.”
“Oh, I'm sure that she'll figure it out,” he said, waving me away. “It's just that... when she left, she wasn't looking her best. She was very sickly looking and still hadn't recovered from her heartbreak.”
I winced at the reminder of her heart being broken, knowing that I was the reason for it.
“I understand. Sorry, man, I wish there was something that I could do to help.”
Right then, he perked up, smiling at me, like a lightbulb had gone off above his head.
“Actually, I'm glad that you said that,” he said. “There is something that you can do to help. I want to check on her without feeling like I'm spying on her or intruding on her space. Do you think that you can stop by her house and see how she is doing? I can give you a few things to take to her so that she doesn't feel like I'm spying on her. She knows and trusts you, so I'm positive she'll be happy to see you. What do you say? Be a pal and check on her for me?”
Everything in my head was screaming to respectfully decline his offer. I wasn't sure what would happen if I were to face her at this point. The last conversation that we had was right after I told her that I was moving out. Even when we saw each other at the barbecue, we didn't say much to each other.
But, I felt so guilty about how things had happened and didn't want to raise any alarms with James, so I figured that a quick trip to pop in and make sure that everything was alright would be okay. Plus, it would give me an excuse to see her and at the same time help to ease James's mind about her well-being.
“Sure, old buddy, I'll go check on her and let you know what's going on,” I said, saluting at him from
across the table.
“Good,” he said, his shoulders easing, looking like a weight had been lifted off of him.
“Now, let's eat. I feel like I haven't eaten in ages. As a matter of fact, I can't remember the last time that I sat down to a decent meal. I've been on the go so much, I've been pretty much surviving off of power bars.”
As if on cue, the waitress, a plain looking girl with a flashy personality, rounded the corner carrying a tray with our food.
“Here's your food,” she said, plunking a steaming plate of carne asada with rice and vegetables in front of us.
My mouth watered as the smells drifted up from the plate. James rubbed his hands greedily and started shoveling food into his mouth. I ate, but not with the same vigor that James did. The nerves that I arrived with had gone away but now were starting to return as the new thought of seeing Natalia permeated my mind.
What would she say? Would she be happy to see me? Would she be upset?
That uncertainty put me on edge. I tried to hide it from James and willed myself to put the thoughts of her out of my head at least until lunch was over. We sat and chatted a little bit longer after we had finished eating, but I made an excuse to leave, saying that I had to start work soon and we parted ways.
“Don't forget to visit Natalia and give me a status report,” he said.
“Sir, yes sir,” I said, standing at attention and saluting him as I had done plenty of times before while under his command in the Air Force.
As if I could forget, I thought, while doing this rather ridiculous routine. Even though we were friends, it was funny how we would always seem to snap back into our roles while in the service. I found some comfort in that, not surprisingly.
“Is there any way that you can do that tomorrow?” he insisted.
I had hoped that I could have some time to get over there, to prepare myself mentally for what I would say. But, I supposed that it would not have made much of a difference. In fact, the more that I thought about it, the better it might be for me to get it over with, like pulling off a Band-aid in one rip. I just hoped that my visit wouldn't make things any worse for anyone.
“I can do it in the morning if she'll be around,” I said.
“She should be,” he said, scribbling onto a napkin and pushing it in my direction. “Here's her address.”
I stared at that napkin for a minute, the words seeming to swim before my eyes. I felt like the napkin was a treasure map. But, it was a map to a forbidden treasure, one that I could never have.
Chapter 37
Natalia
I went to bed that night and tossed and turned all night. When I finally did fall asleep, I dreamed that James had turned into a flying dragon and was trying to burn me alive with his fiery breath.
I had another dream that Natalia had given me a box. When I opened the box, there was a smooth, white stone inside that kind of looked like an egg. The stone turned into a beautiful multicolored butterfly and flew away. I liked the second dream a lot better than the first one, but I couldn't help but wonder if those dreams meant anything.
The next morning, I woke up, jumped in the shower, and got dressed. I wore a black and white striped summer weight suit that I had gotten the week before. I hadn't really thought about where I might wear it, but it seemed like going to see Natalia was the perfect occasion for it.
Her apartment was only twenty minutes away from me. I got in my car and put the address into my GPS. I followed the directions of the voice blindly, my mind going a million miles an hour.
Keep it together, Bradley, I thought to myself. I didn't want to freak her out when I saw her. I wanted to make it as normal of a visit as possible.
But, could it really be a normal visit, given the fact that I still craved her body against mine?
Hardly.
But, I drove on, anyway, knowing that there was little that I could do but wish for the best and see how it went.
When I pulled up to the apartment complex, I scanned the parking lot for her car. It was parked near the back. The last time that I had seen the car, I had been driving away from it, watching it grow smaller in the distance. Seeing it brought back a flood of emotions. On one hand, I was excited about being able to see her. On the other hand, I was sad that I had to put an end to it the way that I did.
I parked my car next to hers and turned off my engine. I figured the best thing to do was to wait for her to come out, instead of walking up to the door and knocking. That way, if she wanted to drive off and pretend that I wasn't even there, she could. But, then, I could still be holding up to my end of the bargain with James and report to him that I had seen her and relay her condition.
I wasn't sure how long I was going to sit there, but I had a few free hours. I didn't have to be at work until later that afternoon, so I figured that sitting there would have been the same as sitting in my empty apartment. At least here I had the chance to see Natalia, something that I had been wanting since I left her house after the barbecue.
I was only waiting for about half an hour before she came out, looking radiant. She was wearing a red and white polka dot dress than came to her knees. White heels. Her hair looked as tamed as I had ever seen it, pulled back with a thick white headband. Her lips were bright red from the lipstick that she had carefully put on. Her cheeks were rosy and looked more rounded than they had the last time that I had seen her.
She looked a lot healthier than she had looked when I had last seen her. Before I could stop myself, I stepped out of the car and walked up to where she stood on the sidewalk.
“Hello, Natalia,” I greeted her warmly. She smiled and whirled around in my direction. Her smile immediately fell and her eyes widened. She froze and didn't say anything right away. Then, she crossed her arms and pursed her lips.
“Oh, hello,” she said smugly. It was obvious that she wasn't happy to see me. But, it was much too late to turn back.
“I came to see how you were doing,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant, but failing miserably.
“Now you want to see how I'm doing?” she asked, throwing her head back and laughing heartily at her own joke.
“Yes,” I affirmed, undeterred, my eyes locking onto hers. “Despite everything that happened between us, I want you to know that I’ve always cared about you. I promised your dad that I would come to see how you were doing and so here I am.”
“You can tell my dad that I'm fine,” she said nervously. “When did you see him?”
“We had lunch yesterday,” I said. “Don't tell him that I told him that you sent me here. He's worried about you, though. When was the last time that you saw him?”
She blinked a few times as if the questions had offended her.
“What does that matter to you?” she asked icily. “You've seen me. You see that I'm doing well. Now, you can go back and report to my father that you saw me and that I'm fine.”
“Natalia, please don't be angry...” I said, stepping near her. She took a step back.
“Don't,” she said, shaking her head. I paused, not wanting to make her even more upset than she already was. She started breathing faster and it looked like tears were starting to form in her eyes.
“Whoa, it's okay,” I said, backing up with my hands raised as a sign of surrender. “I didn't come here to upset you...”
“Well, then leave,” she said, her voice dripping with emotion.
She might as well have driven a stake through my heart. Her eyes were like knives and she looked like she was about to start foaming at the mouth if I didn't leave. I opened my mouth and started to say something in protest, but decided against it. I knew that there was really nothing that I could do, or say, that would change her mind or make her happy about seeing me.
I don't know why I had any vesper of a thought that she might have been happy to see me, anyway. Clearly, that was my own wishful thinking.
I walked back to my car, my heart sinking lower and lower with each step.
She hated me and no
w I knew it. There was probably nothing that I could do to change that.
Just before I pulled out of the parking lot, I saw a group of people walk up to her.
“Hey, Natalia,” said one of the girls. “Where ya off to?”
“Oh, just going for a walk,” she said, her smiling creeping back on her face.
She threw a look in my direction like she wanted me to leave, but I was curious and couldn't help but look on to see what was going to happen next. A muscular guy who looked like he could have played football for a professional team walked over to her and threw his arm around her shoulder. She didn't bother to move his arm.
“Here, let me walk you,” he said, dumbly. He looked like he didn't have more than one thought at a time—like the lights were on, but nobody was at home.
“Okay,” she said, pulling his arm around her tighter, sashaying her hips as she walked. Creeping up slowly, then suddenly, rage boiled inside of me. Everything in me wanted to pull the guy off of her and pound his face into the pavement. He didn't have the right to even speak to her, let alone touch her.
But, I was wrong.
It was me who didn't have the right to be angry. She wasn’t my girlfriend. In fact, the reason why things were so strained between us was because I had decided to give up any rights for her affection. I had opted to do the right thing: to leave her completely alone so that we wouldn't have any type of romantic ties. So, even though part of me felt jealous, the reasonable side of me knew that she was free to do as she pleased. And as beautiful and exuberant as she was, it only made sense that guys would chase after her.
If the circumstances were different and I didn't have my gentlemen code to account for, I would have been chasing her.
Instead, I had to wallow in my own misery and take solace in the fact that I had saved face with my friend, James, by leaving his daughter alone. It was a small consolation, to say the least, but it would have to do for now.
I drove away, staring at her and the group as they faded off into the distance.
Part of me wondered if I would ever be happy again.