He smiled again.
“We were both made for this Sarah. We were made to do this. I could not have done it without you.”
The Monster studied Sarah. As he did so Sarah could not help but wonder what he discerned about her with his brilliant mind. The thought chilled her.
“I knew you once,” Sarah said. “I knew a part of you. It was a good part. You have that in you. You have that goodness. You don’t have to do this. This doesn’t have to be who you are.”
The Monster laughed. “This is me, Sarah,” he said. “This is the only me I was ever destined to be. My life…my fate…my circumstances created me to be cold. They created me to be the monster who now stands before you. The Patrick you knew was weak. You all searched for greatness. You searched for a hero. But instead the Patrick you found was a coward. He could never have been the greatness that you see before you. He could never have wielded the power to cut through infinity. He was weak and pathetic. I am…so much more. I am so much…better.”
The Monster approached Sarah. He held the blade to her throat. Even in this quantum state she felt the cold steel against her skin.
“Did you ever think that the monsters sometimes win?” He asked. “In all your calculations did you ever think that sometimes…the monster must win?”
The Monster took a step back. “I am the Monster. And the Monster needed to win. Not the weak one, but the cold one.”
The Monster gazed upon Sarah in silence for a few moments.
Finally, he said, “Once I told you that all I wanted was to be a good man. A different part of me…a different part of my mind told you that. Part of this brain,” he said. He tapped his head with the knife. “Part of this mind…part of this soul once told you that all I wanted…was to be a good man. That statement was not one of hope. It was one of fear. Because that part of my mind already was starting to understand that in order to do what needed to be done…much death must occur.”
“In a dark city the other half of that mind sat…and lived that moment. I lived that moment in my mind because I knew it was happening. I could see it perfectly in my mind. I could see perfectly the actions of the other part of my mind in a Verse far away. In the darkness I could see the skies of the Sea of Glass. I could see myself at times sitting under that sky and staring at the horizon. It was me and it was not me. It was the me I could have been. But it was not the me I am. Instead I sat alone in the dark.”
“You see Sarah…a bullet tore my mind in half when I was a child. Half of that mind was taken to a city on a Sea of Glass. The other half was taken to a dark city under a frozen ocean. They were two halves of the same mind, and as I stand here with you now I have to wonder which part do you think contained the soul?”
The question hung in the air. Sarah did not have an answer. But she understood now how this Monster was Patrick and not Patrick. She understood how one mind became two different people. One of those people became the boy she loved. One of those people became a monster. They were the same mind but not the same.
The part of that mind that was a monster continued speaking.
“I have lived in the darkness for most of my existence. In the dark I lived inside my mind following all the possibilities of what could have been. There was one path I could not help but come back too. There was one path I found myself tracing over and over again. It was a different path then the one I lived. In the darkness a brilliant mind can live a thousand lifetimes. And often in the dark, in my mind, I lived a life on an island on a Sea of Glass. I lived in two places at once. Because my mind was torn in half. But I was brilliant enough to see that other life in great detail. I lived the parallel lives of two halves of one soul.”
The smile on the Monster’s face grew. But for the first time Sarah saw a different emotion on the Monster’s face then mad joy. She saw sadness.
“In the darkness, sitting in a field staring at the sky I understood something. I understood that sometimes the Monster must win. And I am the Monster.”
The Monster took a deep breath. It was a breath of weariness. He then continued speaking.
“I am sorry. For whatever that is worth I am sorry that your friends had to die. But that is what people do. They die. What matters most is the greater good, right?”
The Monster asked Sarah this. His question was almost a plea. It was a plea for an answer that was shaped by perspective.
“Isn’t that what you were taught? What is the death of one in the face of saving creation? What is the death of millions? Countless multitudes will die in this frozen moment of forever.”
He turned back to the Phage.
“I watched it all. From a city in the dark I watched an ocean world of glass. And I understood. I saw things clearly. Only in the face of evil can one understand true goodness. You see Sarah, I…am the face of evil. I am cold. I am precision. I am death. But death…,” the monster shrugged. “Death is a natural part of life.”
Sarah was starting to understand something in the Monster’s words.
“Not everything can live,” the Monster said. “But cold calculation can save what can be saved. In another lifetime all I wanted was to be a good man. But to do what must be done more was needed.”
The Monster sighed.
“No one is perfect forever,” he said. He turned to Sarah. “But to be perfect for one moment can turn a monster…into a hero. Have you ever thought that?”
Sarah’s fear was abating. As she stared into the eyes of the Monster for just a moment, in those cold eyes Sarah saw the heart, the mind, of a boy she had once loved.
“You have failed, Sarah. And in doing so you have succeeded.”
“There was a piece of my soul that grew up in a land of artists and child scholars. It was not me. I never knew it. I never knew that life. But in my mind, I saw it and I understood it. And in that way I was able to live in that place following that path of probability. There I saw a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl that I, in my dark city, could never truly have. It was a girl who would look at me with disgust because of who I was and what I must do. I was created by servants of a mad religion. I was created by life and circumstance. The person I am is not designed to love. I was designed to be cold. But sometimes we go beyond our designs. And Sarah one thing I realized…is that to love something is not to make it yours. It is to desire for it to flourish.”
The Monster grabbed Sarah’s hand. He held it before him and he studied it.
“You have seen much pain and sadness in your life,” the Monster said. “You…will always see pain and sadness. But…at some points in your future, as you have in your past, you will smile.”
The Monster looked deeply into Sarah’s eyes. Now it was he who smiled. It was again the sad smile.
“The smile can make all the pain seem like it was worth it. The moment of joy is worth all the sadness. I have never had that moment. But I have had the knowledge of you. And the knowledge of you has become my joy.”
“I lived in my mind a million times. I live in my mind following all the paths of who I could have been. And I understood the many you’s that existed. But this…as Belili once said…this is…the best you, Sarah. And in your beauty, in your smile I understood something. And I made a decision.”
“Through all my existence I have looked at you with eyes of love and I knew when you eventually saw me…when you saw this me…you would stare back at me in disgust. I killed the one you loved. I killed the other me. The me you knew. The me you cared for. I understand your revulsion. But in a Multiverse of different decisions I made one decision. I made the decision to give up my humanity for you. I was almost perfect. But you were more perfect then I. So, I made the decision to sacrifice my perfection because I understood what needed to be done. I understood what you could not do. I became an evil and wretched thing. I became complete imperfection to give you that which you needed. I became the catalyst that you needed to lead you to find the Threshold.”
“Even geniuses can have doubt. And I have had
many doubts. In my times of greatest doubt, you make it all make sense. I am half a mind and half a soul. But you are the missing piece of me. I gazed upon you in my mind with eyes that were not mine. And I understood your perfection. The perfection was you for who you were. This best you.”
The Monster stared back to the Phage.
“How do we not feel alone? As I gaze into infinity it does not make me feel a universe full of souls. It makes me feel very alone.”
He turned back to Sarah.
“You do not feel that. You do not feel that broken emptiness. You never will. You do not feel the cold isolation I feel. And…I love you for that.”
“Remember this Sarah. Remember this in the days and years to come. Someone has to be the monster, Sarah. When the last piece of my mind was put together it all became so clear. It all fell into place,”
“In all of us is a monster. In all of us is an angel. The decisions we make define what history will label us as. But the strange thing is…as I stand before this great undoing I understand…that even monsters don't want to die. They may take a thousand lives, a million lives, but they do not want to die.”
“I lived in a mad city where thousands killed themselves with gas. But they did so with the understanding that they would live on in a way. Their legacy was living. I was that legacy.”
The Monster’s words were washing over Sarah in a strange way. They were making no sense and they were making perfect sense.
“What are you going to do?” Sarah asked.
“Only one was born to find this cancer,” the Monster replied. “And only one was born to eradicate it. I have seen this moment all my life. I have seen it’s point in space and time. I know how to kill all of existence…and I know how to save it. This is the point I was created for and this is the point where…I end. I have seen this moment waiting for me. My life has been snapshots. It has been pictures. Life is just a series of snapshots. As we move through life...we move forward one frame at a time. That movement becomes a movie of sorts. It is a story told by moving snapshots. One by one these pictures unfolded leading me here. I have known this moment of my death was waiting for me. This…exact moment. When you know the exact moment that you are going to die you count each breath. Each song sounds more beautiful.”
“Do you know what it's like to live when you know the exact moment every single thing will die. It teaches you value in the beauty of the moment. Every second lasts an eternity. Because each second brings you closer to an end.
“I am a monster because I know everyone cannot live. Some will be lost. Some must be sacrificed. In order to eradicate an infection…you must cut it out of its host. You must find the borders…and cut out the parts yet to be infected. The parts that will become infected in the future. Some that will not be infected for eons…must die. They must be cut from existence to ensure the infection of undoing does not spread beyond them.”
The Monster turned to Sarah. “Do you understand?”
Sarah realized that she did. He would one by one rip away not the pieces of the infected Multiverse, but the pieces that were going to be infected in centuries to come. In doing so he would erase millions of Verses. He would wipe multitudes of lives from existence. In doing so he would save the rest of infinity.
Sarah understood that only his mind could do it. This place lived in and outside of existence. Only a mind that understood probability the way that his did could be certain of what needed to be wiped away to create that buffer between existence and non-existence. Many Verses would die so that others would live. He would erase countless lives. However, in doing so he was protecting the fact that they had ever existed.
Sarah also realized something else. She knew she could not do this. She could not make the decision to let whole Universes die. She would look for another way. In that time the cancer would grow. In that time it would become unstoppable. It needed to be stopped here and now.
So, a monster was needed. A monster could do what needed to be done.
Sarah also knew that the moment the Monster severed the final connection of the Phage to the Multiverse that the Threshold would instantly cease to exist. It would never have existed. The Monster would perish with it.
Sarah looked into the eyes of the Monster which had a part of the soul of a boy she once loved.
“I understand,” Sarah said.
“Do you?” the Monster asked. “You understand what needs to be done…but do you understand the why? Why I am doing it?”
He waited for an answer. When he did not receive one he went on.
“I am sacrificing my existence not for all who have lived. I’m sacrificing it for one. I’m sacrificing it for you. So that you will have lived. And that you will continue to live.”
It was a strange moment. Sarah wanted to talk about how she was not that important. The lives of all who lived in the Multiverse were more important than hers. However, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter the value of her life versus the value of all life to the Monster. What mattered is that he did what needed to be done. His reasoning was not as important as the actions he took. Whether he was doing it for the many or just for Sarah, what mattered was that it was done.
“Say that you love me, Sarah. Lie to me. Lie to me just for this moment so that in my dying I can believe just for an instant that maybe there was some truth in your words when you tell me you love me.”
Sarah could see the Monster’s eyes were watering. She knew the forces he would work with would be great and he would be ripped to pieces when the Threshold collapsed. He would suffer so they all could live.
Sarah took a deep breath. Finally, she said, “I love you.” In that moment she was not sure if she was lying or not.
Now the Monster’s smile was genuine. For a moment his eyes showed no sadness.
“Thank you,” he replied. “It makes what I am about to do…my death…my life worth it.”
Sarah looked towards the Phage. It was a creature that many of the prodigies of Verse Zero saw in their minds. It was a creature built of logic and science. But none of them had ever seen it in its totality. None except Sarah and the Monster.
As she stared at the creature Sarah wondered how many would die in the coming moments? How many had already died? Multitudes. But one million...one billion...one civilization. What did it matter? Numbers were merely details. What mattered was the greater good. What mattered is that the future did not perish completely.
“Who could I have been?” she heard the Monster ask. “That question plagues me at times. Because it's not what matters. It doesn’t matter who you could have been. What matters is who you are. But I can see all the infinite possibilities. The tangled lines of causality. I can pierce all realities with my mind. But the whole time…you were my only focus. You grounded me.”
“I moved in and out of space and time for you. But no matter where I went in my mind I could always stare across the far horizon and see you. In my mind I could see you with absolute certainty. And for a moment I saw peace. In a past life I loved you. In the past you still have me. But you have…the better me. The good me. Not the monster. For me…our love is a ghost. It haunts me. But it is a ghost that keeps me warm in a reality that is cold.”
“In the days to come…in the years that follow I can see you. Right now, I can see you in a distant tomorrow. I know it shall be because that is what I was gifted and cursed to see. I can see eventuality. I see you as a teacher. I see you as a mother. I see you happy. And I see that I was lost to time. I was lost to this moment…to ensure that you have that moment.”
“You can’t imagine how hard it is to see the moment of your own death. Even in my mind now I cannot help but count down the seconds to my end. It is nearing. But before I reach that moment I have one more request Sarah.”
The Monster again grabbed Sarah’s hand. In that moment the Monster was shockingly vulnerable.
“This request is something I ask you to do in the future. Not today, but in a distant tomorrow. I am
going to ask you this…and I know you will tell me you will do it. You will tell me you will do it right now so that I can save infinity. But I choose not to see into the future…to see if you keep your word. Because as I am about to die I don't want the knowledge of if you do not keep your promise to be my final thought. I instead in my last moments I will put my faith in hope.”
“My request Sarah, is that you remember me. That you make a marker for me…that you make me a grave. I ask that you make a marker for my life and for my death. And one day in the distant future…that once a year…as you look over your life and your children and all the moments of laugher and joy that have occurred beyond this moment…I ask that you remember me fondly for just a moment…and that you put flowers at my grave.”
“I can never erase that I was a monster or the evil that I committed. The evil that I have to commit. The multitudes I will kill. But when you look back at your life years from now remember that I did it all for you. I sacrificed it all for you. I sacrificed my life…and my humanity so that you would have that beautiful tomorrow.”
“Of all the complexities in life…of all the variables that have consumed my every conscious moment…there is one thing that makes it all makes sense. There is one reason I have kept pushing myself. That I have kept going. That one simple reason is you, Sarah. I sacrifice my soul for you. And I would sacrifice it over and over again without hesitation.”
Sarah was shocked to realize that tears were running down her cheeks. It was hard to explain but in this moment, in her own moment, she understood the heavy burden of who this man was. She understood the weight of his decisions and the weight of what he needed to do. She understood all he had sacrificed for her.
She understood that this monster had a soul. Can we cry for monsters? Sarah wondered. Are we allowed to? Can we feel pity for evil men? In truth all evil men feel that what they do is right. She had watched her friends, her loved ones, die at the hands of this man. She could still look at him and see him killing the boy she loved. On that distant beach she had wanted to spit in this creature’s face as he threw Patrick’s body into the fire. She still hated him for what he had done. But in her heart, she knew he hated himself for what he had done as well. He hated himself for taking her love away from her. He chose to live with that self-hate so that he could do what others could not and so that he could do what must be done.
Prisons of Stolen Dreams Page 32