by B. T Hoax
“Dad?” she whispered. Realizing that there was an intense pain in her throat, she reached for her neck as if it might provide some relief.
“Careful of your IV,” he warned as he came close to her bedside. “Do you need more pain meds? They said your throat would be sore after intubation.”
Kenna felt her face form a countenance of confusion.
“Dad? What’s going on?” For a second, she thought maybe it was all a bad dream and that none of what she was experiencing was real.
“Kenna, you are in the hospital. You’ve been unconscious for two days,” he explained as he took one of her hands in his. “I was so afraid, Kenna.”
“Where’s Jon?”
Kenna’s eye’s focused right on her father’s. But as they did, the man began to break into a cry.
“Kenna, I thought you were dead.” He wept as he squeezed her hand tightly. “Seeing them put those tubes down your throat…you just lying there…I just…”
Kenna felt tears begin to sting her eyes at his dodging of the question. “Where is Jon?” she repeated unsympathetically.
The man let out a few sniffles as his cries came under control.
“I don’t know,” he confessed. “I haven’t heard anything.”
Kenna felt her lower lip begin to quiver. “Dad,” she whispered as the emotions began to overwhelm her. “I think he’s dead.”
Her father’s head hung as he shook it. “I’ve tried reaching out to few old friends, but no one has responded. I’m sorry, honey.”
At the words, her whole body began to shake. “He wasn’t breathing, Dad. He wasn’t breathing.”
He came closer now and removed the oxygen mask from her face being that her levels had steadied again. With one arm wrapped around her, the man pulled her in for a soft but sturdy embrace.
“It’s too soon to know for sure,” he comforted as she wept into his chest. “I don’t want to jump to any conclusions just yet.”
But as she recalled the details of her last encounter with Jon, the tears only came faster and harder. When she last saw the Colewell, he had just stopped seizing, and his chest had stopped moving up and down to indicate life. His whole body was scalded, even worse than when he’d been on his couch after their brief intimate experience.
In her mind, there was no way he could have survived. In her mind, there was no way that any of the ice benders had survived.
“They’re all dead,” she heard herself say. “Dad, they are all dead.”
At this, he shook his head in disagreement. “Kenna, there’s not a lot that I know right now, but I do know that your uncle is no longer alive,” he said. She could hear the anger in his voice at the forced mention of his vile brother.
“But how?” Kenna asked as a few more droplets trickled down her cheeks and into the fabric of her father’s shirt.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t know much of anything except that that monster is dead.”
“I don’t understand,” she acknowledged as she pushed herself away from her father to look him in the face. “I thought you and Ray were friends?”
He paused for a moment. “That’s what I thought too.” A brief stare down commenced as she tried to search for answers in his eyes, but she found none. “I’m sorry Kenna,” he broke down again. “This is all my fault.”
The girl let him catch his breath before she spoke. “I still don’t understand. What happened?” she questioned as she wiped some of her snot on her hospital gown.
Her father caught his breath and let out a long sigh. “It’s difficult to explain.”
“Well, I need answers, Dad. And lots of them,” she said firmly, her eyes never leaving his. But her questioning and confused expression was too much for the man as he turned away from her and took a stand near the window. “Dad? What happened?” Kenna asked again.
He shook his head slowly as he stared out the window, his hand wiping away imaginary sweat as he pondered the question.
Finally, he opened his mouth.
“A long time ago,” he started, and Kenna knew an extended explanation was about to begin, “I worked with your uncle. We were…good…at bending. We were very good. Well, I was very good.” He paused as he folded his arms across his chest. He still wasn’t facing her, clearly uncomfortable, or maybe ashamed. “I was one of the best of the best for a period of time. I was so good that I was even in the highest of the inner political circles of the flame elementalists. Your uncle wasn’t as good, but having the same last name as me did win him some favor.”
“I get it,” Kenna interrupted. “You were really good. But what does that mean?”
“I’ll get there,” he replied quickly. “There’s a lot you don’t know.” Kenna took the deepest breath she could manage as she prepared for whatever was to come. “As I was saying, I was high up there. If there were plans or weren’t plans, I certainly knew about them, even came up with some of them or followed through with some of them.” He paused again as his eyes found the floor. “I did a lot of bad things, Kenna. And if I didn’t do them, I planned them. And if I didn’t plan them, then I certainly knew about them and did nothing to stop them.”
Kenna nodded as she remembered her uncle’s words. “Ray said that you were a deserter. A traitor. But I feel like you were a lot worse than that,” she confessed in a hushed tone. “Did you kill people, Dad?”
Silence filled the room, and it was enough to answer her question.
Finally, he spoke again. But Kenna had pivoted away from him as tears began to fall again. “Kenna, I’m sorry every day for the things I’ve done. I pray every day that Jesus forgives me,” he said. “And I know that’s not enough, and I know that it doesn’t make up for anything. But you have to understand, it was a different life. I was brainwashed into thinking that there was an enemy where there wasn’t. I mean, you believe what the media tells you about terrorists, don’t you? You just believe them. I just believed them. I was naive. And stupid. And I can’t take it back.”
Kenna could hear the regret in the way his voice shook. But it wasn’t enough for her to forgive him off the bat.
“How could you kill people?” she interrogated as angrily as her pained throat would allow.
“Eventually, I asked myself that same question. But it wasn’t until after I met your mother. She saved me,” he confessed as his eyes turned back to the window.
“That dirty cheater?” Kenna mumbled, her resentment clearer than her words.
“What?” her father inquired. “Your mother never cheated on me, Kenna. She never wanted to divorce in the first place.”
Their eyes met again. This time, Kenna’s eyes were positioned in a deep glare. “Well, then you are still naïve. She had a different dude over a few months later,” Kenna shot at him without mercy.
“I suppose that’s how it looked to you. You mother never told you the truth?” He seemed perplexed. Kenna shrugged her shoulders, not sure how to respond. “Kenna…I should have told you.”
“Told me what? Now you’re gonna tell me that all the hatred that I’ve thrown at mom should have been directed at you?!” Kenna felt her blood begin to boil, and her face begin to redden.
Her father sighed again. “Maybe,” he admitted. “Kenna, I did a lot of bad things. They were catching up with me. I loved your mother. Still do. But from the moment she and I began seeing each other, I was met with a great deal of disapproval by the other benders. A full blood with a regular old human? The only thing worse than that would have been dating an ice bender. But I didn’t care. I hid that life from her and continued to fall in love with her. She was so perfect. She was funny, her wit would have matched yours. She was beautiful, smart, she was everything and then some. Even with the threats I was receiving, I went ahead and married her. And then we had you.”
“And they still didn’t throw you out?” she asked with an irritated roll of her eyes.
“No, I was still way too good to let go,” he answered. “But having you c
hanged things. It put things in a different perspective. Having kids just does that. I started to want different things. I didn’t want to do the traveling anymore. I didn’t want anything to do with any of it. But there was also the possibility that you would bend. And then what? I had to maintain my status just in case you were a bender. They all joked that you’d be the best flame moiety of your time.”
Kenna let out a half-laugh half-snort. “Well how disappointing for all of you.”
“A relief,” he corrected instantly. “Do you have any idea how relieved I was when I officially realized that you were not a bender? It was my out. It was our out. Our family could move on. Or at least that’s what I thought.”
The room was quiet again for a time before Kenna forced herself to ask, “But what? What happened between you and mom? Or you and the flame benders?”
The man began to pace the room slowly as he spoke. “I began to realize that getting out wasn’t that simple. And all this time I’d been hiding it all from your mother and I was beginning to realize that I couldn’t do that anymore. And so one day, I just told her everything. And it broke her.”
He had begun to bite his nails in an attempt to hold back the tears. “And I loved her Kenna, but it broke her heart. And I realized that we could never be the same and that she could never heal as long as she was with me. I loved her, and so I had to let her go.”
“So you told her everything that you did? But you criticized Jon for telling me the truth right off the bat? You are such a hypocrite,” Kenna said, the passage of Jon’s name forcing more tears to leave her eyes.
It took several moments for him to come up with a response. “Maybe you are right. But I didn’t have a problem with Jon telling you about Jon, I had a problem with Jon telling you about me. You just don’t understand what it was like to watch you date a boy who I had deemed an enemy and a threat for decades of my life.”
“But you already said that that was all a lie so why would you have been so terrible to Jon?!”
“I would have been terrible to any boy you brought home. And every day that you got closer to Jon, you got further from me. Jon was young and dumb, just like I was. And the last thing I wanted was for you to end up with someone who was like me,” he shot back at his daughter as his calm voice went a little angry. “He still tried to rape you, Kenna! That’s how out of control he was!”
“Well lucky you! Now he’s dead, and you have one less ice bender to worry about!” Kenna hollered despite her pain and weakness.
Realizing his error, the man approached her bed again. Kenna, of course, had turned herself away from him.
“I’m sorry,” he said with his teeth clenched. “You know that I hope as much you do that he is still alive. The last thing I need is more blood on my hands.”
Kenna felt herself going nauseous as she let her head fall backward onto the bed. “He came in after me Dad,” Kenna whispered. “He came in after me, into the fire, knowing that he most likely wouldn’t even make it out. He really loved me.”
Her father sighed as he chose his next words as carefully as possible. “I know he had strong feelings for you, Kenna. But you have to know that I love you too and so does your mother. We want what’s best for you,” he replied as he affectionately touched her arm.
“That’s funny,” Kenna sniffled as she flinched her arm away, “because I didn’t see you running in after me. Where were you? How did you not hear Ray break in?”
Taking another exhale, he quickly admitted, “He didn’t break in. I let him in.”
“You let him in?!” he almost screamed back.
“Kenna, he called me. He said he needed a place to stay for the night. I didn’t think anything of it,” he explained swiftly.
“And then what? You just let him kidnap me? I thought you were a way better fighter than your brother,” she mocked, finding that it was becoming increasingly easy to blame her father for all of the misfortune.
“No, Kenna,” he said quickly. “Please, just let me finish.” The girl glared sharply at him but kept her mouth shut. “He called me late that night and said he needed a place to stay, just overnight until his car got fixed. I didn’t think anything of it. I waited until he arrived and I opened the door for him. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. But the moment I had my back turned, a cold, wet rag came over my face from behind. I passed out immediately. When I woke up, I knew something was wrong. I ran upstairs, and you were gone. I called the police and went out searching myself. Eventually, I got a call that you had been brought to the hospital and that there had been a house fire. They said they’d do an investigation, but I already had a good idea about what had transpired.”
“How could he do that? How could Ray do something like that?” Kenna interrogated as he finished his monologue.
Her father shook his head before opening his mouth to answer. “I suppose it was my fault. When I eventually left the flame bending community, I left him with my bad reputation. This was his way of getting back at me and proving himself I’m sure. Only it cost him his life.”
“And Jon’s and probably so many more,” Kenna proclaimed as her anger began to settle just slightly. Her eyes had met her father’s, and she could see the sadness and guilt glistening in them for all to see. “He said that there would be more attacks that night, that many full blooded ice benders were made targets.”
He nodded slowly. “Then I hope the ice benders were able to defend themselves,” he acknowledged. “Flame benders can be vile and ruthless, but ice benders certainly hold their own. I thought Jon might have been able to take me on if I’m totally honest.”
Kenna smiled just slightly. “He was sure that he could take you.”
There was a brief silence before her father spoke again. “Well I suppose I should call your mom and tell her that you are awake,” he said as he strode across the room to retrieve the device.
“I’m sure she’s not that worried,” Kenna added under her breath.
“You underestimate that woman. She hopped on the first flight up here and has been at your bedside just as much as I have. She just went over to our place to clean up a bit. Sometimes she needs to keep busy to distract herself,” her father clarified as he dialed a number.
Kenna waited until he finished the brief conversation before asking her question. “So you really love Mom?”
“Always will,” he said as he placed his phone back on the chair where it previously sat. “I wish I could have been better for her and for you. But she’s happy now, and I’m not going to mess that up for her. She deserves to be happy.”
“And you don’t?” she quickly inquired.
“I’m happy that I have you and get to spend the time with you that I do. I’m happy that I’ve changed and am able to be a bigger part of your life than I was before,” he answered without thought. “That said, do I deserve to be happy? Probably not.”
Kenna wasn’t sure how to respond to such a statement so did her best to change the subject and keep the conversation light until her mother arrived fifteen minutes later.
The girl didn’t know how to feel when she finally saw the woman. She’d spent years loathing her for something she’d never done, and years torturing her for an infidelity that never occurred.
But when her mother wrapped her arms around her, Kenna knew that the love her mother felt for her could not be swayed, and she felt the guilt wash away from her. Unfortunately and as much as she wished she linger in the thought of a repaired relationship with her mother, there was only one person on her mind.
Jon Colewell.
And if he could possibly be alive.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Days.
Days passed. And those days turned into weeks. And those weeks turned into months.
Kenna had stayed in Minnesota after finally convincing her mother that it was best.
Kenna asked her father every morning and every night if he’d heard any news. And she’d even sometimes ask in the afternoon. But his resp
onse was always the same.
Nothing.
Neither she nor her father had any idea as to what had become of the Colewells.
Though, in her mind, Jon was dead, it was impossible for her to move on without knowing for sure. And as sick as it sounded to her, somehow not knowing was better. At least now, even if it was in her imagination, she could hold on to something, hold on to whatever little childish hopes she had of his survival or even his return.
She avoided grieving at whatever cost. She’d gone into denial to the point that she pretended that that day had never happened, that the awful handprint scar on her leg was received when she was too young to remember, that Jon was simple off learning how to control his powers, that her uncle had actually died in some tragic accident. Kenna did her best to make the senseless make sense.
Part of the denial included forgiving her father. As far as she was concerned, he’d never done anything wrong, he’d never murdered ice benders, he’d never broken her mother’s heart, he’d never put her and Jon in danger with his continued friendship with her uncle. He was crystal clean.
Unfortunately for Kenna, this was a reality that she could only play in for so long.
Whether she’d admit it or not, she was sad. She kept seeing that final image of Jon in her head as her dreams replayed each detail of that night. And he wasn’t breathing. She knew he wasn’t breathing. Bryce knew he wasn’t breathing.
Although she may have been wrong about the flame benders defeating the ice benders, it was difficult to doubt Jon’s death. It was almost impossible to deny what her heart knew was the truth.
She tried the denial. She tried being angry. But nothing helped, and nothing moved her forward.
Kenna felt stuck. She felt lonely and trapped and depressed. She didn’t know how to move on or how to accept where fate had taken her.
Her heart was holding on. And she didn’t know how to let go.
Kenna needed answers, but knew no way to retrieve them.