“I thought we’d find you—” Dane’s gaze flickered to me. “Bro. Um, sorry. We didn’t…”
“I was just getting some help on my math,” I said, and judging from the skepticism on their faces, neither of them believed me for a second. No doubt my disheveled appearance didn’t add much credibility to my lie. My face flamed as I gathered my books.
Ryder stood and reached for me. “Lindsay…”
“I’ll catch you later.”
As I rushed out of the gym, everything hit me at once, along with a big swirl of emotions that made it hard to sort one from the other.
Confession #13: After eleven months sober, I kissed a hockey player.
Like some of the most powerful drugs, all it took was one hit to be hooked—because I was definitely already addicted to the way Ryder Maddox kissed. And I wasn’t sure any girl, no matter how strong, could get over something like that.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ryder
Fuck. Every time I thought I’d finally broken through Lindsay’s walls, she ended up fleeing. My head was still spinning from the kiss, and there was also the urge to kill my roommates, and the feelings were so opposite each other all I could do for a couple of seconds was stand perfectly still and blink.
“So, high five, or do you want to high-five my face?” Dane cautiously held up his palm.
“She’s going to say my world crossed into hers and that I didn’t keep my word about crossing the streams, and”—I scrubbed a hand over my face—“Now I fucked it all up.”
I’d given her space for a few days, my plan to focus solely on hockey taking center stage, and when she’d texted, I almost told her I didn’t have time to tutor her. But I couldn’t let her fail her class. Funny enough, multitasking at the gym was supposed to keep my hands and mind busy enough to help combat the constant desire to touch her.
Hudson set his bag off to the side. “Not that I’m an expert on the subject—”
“Of fucking up?” Dane sat on the weight bench. “I think you are actually an expert on that.”
Hudson flipped him off, then turned to me. “She didn’t look upset when we came in is all I’m saying. We can pretend that we believed the math story if it helps.”
I was pretty sure nothing would help, but I thanked him anyway. They asked if I wanted to lift more, but my body was too revved and exhausted, another weird combo, which was apparently the theme with me today. I knew Lindsay and I had chemistry. I knew that kissing her would be amazing. Yet at the same time, I had no idea.
The other thing I was sure of was that there was no way in hell I could go back to not kissing her and pretending to be nothing more than friends.
…
By the time I pulled into my apartment complex, I could hardly keep my eyes propped open. I’d tried to tell myself that my shitty performance at practice was because I’d pushed too hard on my workout this morning. But I always pushed myself that hard, and it’d never made me suck at practice before.
It was because I couldn’t get a certain editor out of my brain, images from her in that fuchsia dress and our make out session in the gym playing on a loop all day.
Her lips, her soft skin and silky hair, the sexy noises she’d made. She’d felt so damn good pressed against me, and the only thing I could think about was finishing what we’d started.
Knowing her, she’d do everything in her power to avoid me and then, once I forced her out of hiding, give me another speech about not crossing the streams.
I parked my car and pinched the bridge of my nose. As soon as I slept and my brain was working again, I’d come up with a strategy.
So far it went something along the lines of saying fuck it and kissing the hell out of her before she could draw the lines again. At least I’d get to kiss her one more time that way, even if it probably wasn’t the best way to get what I wanted.
I dragged myself and my dead limbs toward my building. Just to prove to myself I could’ve given more at practice—and to try to escape the world for a while longer—I’d headed to the gym and done laps in the pool.
My feet slowed when I saw a shadowed figure. Adrenaline surged, my body preparing for a fight, just in case.
But then I noticed the shadowed figure was tiny. Lindsay’s features came into focus as I neared her, and she straightened as I approached. “I know I must look like some kind of stalker sitting here, but I need to talk to you.”
I held up a hand. “I already know what you’re going to say.”
“You do?”
“You’re going to say that we crossed the streams, and I shouldn’t have brought you into even part of that hockey world, even if it was just the gym. The guys don’t…” They said they’d lie, but evidently I couldn’t. “It’s not like they’d say anything.” I locked eyes with her. “And I know I should probably give you some speech about how I’m sorry for pushing things too far, but you know what? I’m not sorry. I—”
Lindsay wrapped her arms around my waist, tipped on to her toes, and pressed her lips to mine. I gripped her hips, pulling her closer as I took control of the kiss. She touched her tongue to mine and I groaned and backed her up until her ass hit the door.
When she broke the kiss, I blinked at her like a lovestruck idiot in headlights.
“You’re not as scary good at reading me as you thought.” She punctuated the statement with a smile.
“I am a bit tired and delirious from this hot make out session I had this morning. Maybe that’s what’s throwing me off.”
“Yeah, I had a similar experience…” She hooked her finger through my belt loop. “I thought about our kiss all day, and I don’t have the energy to fight this anymore. But—”
“Thank God,” I said before she could finish her but. I lifted her into my arms and kissed her again. Luckily the door to our apartment was unlocked, so I pushed us through it and kept my hold on her, deciding I’d use every tool at my disposal to make her forget whatever conditions she’d been about to tack on.
Someone cleared their throat, and I spun, Lindsay still in my arms, one hand planted firmly on her ass. Dane and Megan sat on the couch, cuddled up in front of a movie.
Lindsay ducked her head on my shoulder, but I didn’t let her go—I was done with that.
Megan flashed me a thumbs-up and I bit back a laugh. Good to know she was still on my team.
“Hey,” I said. “Didn’t realize you guys were here. You guys remember Lindsay?”
She lifted her head, her cheeks adorably flushed. “Hey.”
“Don’t worry, bro,” Dane said, but the statement was directed at Lindsay, “I know that you two are just friends.” He tapped the side of his nose. So much for subtlety.
Lindsay glanced from him to me. “Well, negotiations are currently underway to possibly expand into more…”
My heart lurched in my chest, making its vote known. “If you’ll excuse us, I’m going to take her back to the conference room to make a thorough argument before she changes her mind.”
“Have fun,” Megan called after us.
As soon as we were inside my bedroom, I kissed the spot where Lindsay’s jaw met her neck. “Figured I’d start my in-favor-of argument here…” I moved my lips down the column of her neck, then I tugged the sleeve of her shirt down and kissed her shoulder. She wrapped her hands around my forearms, her fingers digging into my skin. “And end about…” I recaptured her mouth, parted her lips with my tongue, and kissed her until she sagged against me.
Her voice came out on a shaky breath. “Very compelling points.”
“Figured I should make the strongest case possible before you started with the buts.”
Lindsay dragged a finger across her slightly swollen lips, and I wanted to do the same. “It was definitely a good speech, and I’ll keep it in mind.” She placed a hand on the center of my chest, and my heart thumped even harder. Hope had never been my go-to—I preferred working to ensure I got what I wanted—but right now, I let hope wash over me. “O
kay, so obviously I suck when it comes to you and self-control, and kissing you is definitely something I want to keep on doing. But I just want to be as clear as possible about what this is and put a few boundaries in place. To keep us both safer.”
I gripped her hips, silently conveying I didn’t plan on letting go.
“You realize that we only have a couple months left of school,” she said. “That you’ll be busy with hockey for most of it—I have no doubt the team will make it to the Frozen Four—and that I’ll be busy with the paper?”
I nodded.
“So we have fun when we can, but we also both acknowledge the fact that we’re busy, and this has an expiration date. As long as we both know that’s how it’ll be, then maybe a little stream crossing won’t be as bad as I originally thought…”
“I can assure you it’s going to be very, very good,” I said, lowering my lips to the sensitive spot under her ear for another taste. “And since I’m awake enough now to be scary good at reading you again, I think you’re having the same thoughts.”
She wadded a fistful of my T-shirt in her hand and nodded, her hot exhale of breath hitting my neck.
My hips bumped hers as I drew her tighter to me and kissed and licked my way back up to her lips. I only had her for a little while, during one of the craziest, busiest parts of the year, and I wasn’t sure how much time I’d get with her. But I vowed to make every second count.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lindsay
The next couple of days went by sort of like the Before Ryder Period. I worked like crazy to get the next edition of the Heights ready while trying to balance classes and studying. But we occasionally flirted through text and I counted down the minutes until I could talk to him again. Till I could feel those lips against mine, that firm body pressed up against me.
I glanced at the clock on my laptop screen. I’d brought a bit of work home, but I got distracted when I went to do some research and now I was killing time online, hoping it’d make time speed up. Ten minutes and counting…
Ryder and I were supposed to do an official first date-type thing tonight, where we’d also celebrate the fact that I’d aced this week’s quiz, something I used to think would be impossible for me to do. He’d picked a nice restaurant and I’d shaved my legs, even though I told myself I wasn’t going to sleep with him yet. Of course, I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like, because he was sexy and sweet, and well, I hadn’t had sex in forever and the urge to scratch that itch was definitely there. But it was more than that. I felt like Ryder truly saw me, more than any other guy ever had, and that was a hell of an aphrodisiac.
My phone chimed, and I’d never admit it to anyone, but when I saw Ryder’s name, I squealed.
Ryder: Hey, I’m going to be late. Coach is on a rampage & I’m risking death by sneaking in this text. Be there as soon as I can.
The excitement that’d been coursing through me all afternoon faded. It’s not a big deal. I’m the one who said we both had to understand each other’s busy schedules.
It’s just that we only have two months together and I haven’t seen him for two days.
I shook my head at myself. Really? I was thinking in terms like that when we hadn’t even been on one official date yet? For all I knew, we’d crash and burn within a week or two.
Oh my gosh, what if we crash and burn?
My lungs tightened, each breath somehow making them tighter instead of providing relief. I couldn’t care this much already. It made me think about how I’d fallen for Hudson and ended up hurt and completely broken.
I didn’t want to have to reevaluate all my life choices again, either. It sucked hard enough the first time.
Fully spinning out of control now, I set my laptop aside, forced myself to my feet, and went into the kitchen for water.
After downing a glass, I set it in the sink and stared at it. I wanted to put up walls and protect myself, but what I’d experienced most since erecting them was a lot of crushing loneliness.
I’d told myself over and over that I didn’t need anyone else. I’d been just fine pretty much on my own ever since I could remember. But sometimes…? Sometimes it sucked. Maybe even hurt a little.
Attachments are a weakness.
Falling in love is a weakness…
Not that I was quite there, but it was a good reminder to not to let myself start to think otherwise.
Everyone I’d let in before had hurt me, but Ryder and I didn’t have very long together as it was, and while yes, some attachment was already forming—er, had formed—I knew there was an expiration date.
Which would make it more manageable?
Confession #14: I’m a hot mess.
I really hoped I was a hot mess, anyway, because I spent way too long curling my hair and applying makeup to be a mediocre-looking one. The truth was, thanks to reevaluating my life, I knew I’d been a hot mess for years. Mom’s habit of hopping from guy to guy didn’t help.
On autopilot, I walked back into the living room. My roommates had left clothes and shoes everywhere, but I didn’t bother putting them in piles like I sometimes did, just so the place didn’t look like a pigsty.
I picked up my phone, going back and forth between telling Ryder it was fine, and canceling tonight altogether.
But then I thought about the way he kissed me. How he’d made the joke about currently being in negotiations when Dane caught us kissing for the second time that day.
Okay, freak-out over. The highs are worth the risk.
About an hour of mindless TV watching later, there was a knock on the door.
I smoothed a hand down my hair and opened it.
Ryder stood on the other side and my pulse ratcheted up a couple of notches as I took him in, from the way he filled the entire doorframe to his damp hair, button-down, and jeans. “Sorry I’m so late.”
“It’s okay,” I said, and I meant it.
A crooked smile spread across his face and then he leaned in and kissed me, wrapping his arm around my waist and fitting me against him in that way I couldn’t get enough of. “You look amazing. Please keep that in mind when I tell you what I’m about to…”
I tensed, thinking this was when the other shoe dropped.
“Coach expects us to watch game film on the team we’re going to play this weekend, and he expects us to have done it by tomorrow. The guys are going to the diner so they can eat while we watch it—Dane cleared it with Larry, the owner. He says it’s pretty dead so we can take over the TV.”
I worked to keep the disappointment off my face. “You didn’t have to come all the way over here to cancel our date. You could’ve just sent a text.”
Ryder laced my fingers with his. “I was sort of hoping that you’d come with me. Lyla, Megan, and Whitney will be there, too. Since it’s hard for the guys to spend time with them during the week, they sometimes watch film with us and help us spot ways we can defeat the other teams.”
My body tensed at the very idea, and yet a tendril of longing unfurled inside me, the desire to watch hockey still there in the background despite how hard I’d tried to snuff it out. First I was slipping with a hockey player and then there’d be watching games, and what was next? I turned into the old me? All my progress down the drain?
But that implied I had no self-control. And I did. Not that forgetting my rules with Ryder exactly proved that.
“Okay, obviously you don’t want to,” he said, his shoulders sagging. “We can still grab dinner. I’ll stay up late and watch film and then try to talk to the guys about it right before practice.”
I knew that’d be a disaster and put him behind the rest of the team, and I didn’t want that—the fact that he was willing to earned him about a bajillion brownie points, too. “How many of the guys?”
“The starting lineup and a few of the others who get a lot of time on the ice.” He rattled off his roommates’ names, mentioned Beck and a handful of others, most of whom I recognized by last name and co
uld even give you positions and numbers.
I’m so going to regret this. “Let’s go watch some game film, then.”
Everyone glanced our way when we walked into the diner. Several hockey players, along with a mix of the promised girlfriends, occupied three tables near the back where a flat-screen TV hung.
“Ox! You made it!”
The guys nodded and bumped fists like they hadn’t just been at practice together.
Then all eyes turned to me.
Ryder put his hand on my back. “You guys know Lindsay?”
I waved to everyone, the awkward sensation turning my head fuzzy, although I tried not to let it show. So I’d flirted with, fervently made out with, and/or slept with several people in the room. Back in the day Beck and I flirted here and there, but the night I’d drunkenly thrown myself at him, he’d called me a cab home instead.
Luckily just the old me has to be embarrassed about that. The current me still felt the heat climbing up my neck.
Then of course there was Hudson. I’d made peace enough with that whole situation and him and Whitney and all, but it didn’t exactly erase the weirdness. Especially since he knew that I’d been in love with him at one point, and so did she, and ugh. Weird.
Daniel Kelly, number sixteen, a guy who toggled between center and winger, and I had done the booty call thing several times through the past few years. He was a total player, but nice enough, and he had a way of telling you good-bye afterward that didn’t make you feel like you had to do a walk of shame.
Ryder pulled out the chair next to Megan for me, and I settled into it. He sat on my right and squeezed my knee, I assumed because he could see the apprehension on my face and was trying to put me at ease. I didn’t think I’d ever be at ease in this crowd, but the gesture warmed my heart, so I smiled and covered his hand with mine.
The owner came over and took our order. He didn’t write a thing down, which made me wonder if he had a superhuman memory or if we’d get the wrong food.
Beck stood and inserted a flash drive into the side of the TV. “Okay, let’s see what’s so great about Minnesota this year, and then we’ll figure out how to destroy them.”
Confessions of a Former Puck Bunny (Taking Shots) Page 13