Ryder hooked his thumbs in the pockets of his jeans. Of course the gesture made his strong shoulders and the muscles on his arms stand out, because life so wasn’t fair. Damn muscles and their ability to make me lose my head. “I figured you’d be mad,” he said.
“And your first thought was to arm me?” Sexiness and math smarts aside, he must be missing a few screws. Clearly he had no idea how pissed off I was at him. If he thought he could just come in, throw me a picnic, and I’d forgive him for everything, he was wrong.
He shrugged. “You’re always a bit more understanding after you work out some of your aggression.”
That aggression he mentioned flared and took over. He’d made me fall in love with him, then he’d made me feel like shit for my past. I picked up the gun and fired it right at the center of his chest.
His steady expression remained, eyes fixed on mine, lips pressed together. My breaths came too fast, and I worried if I let go of my anger, I’d fall to my knees and cry.
Love is a weakness, love is a weakness, love is a weakness…
Ryder took a step closer to me, rounding the table.
I fired again, hitting him in the thigh this time, and he flinched.
“I’m sorry, Lindsay. Sorry for everything. I’ve been completely miserable without you.” He took another step toward me. Being this close to him hurt as much as being away from him had, maybe more.
Don’t let him see you cry, don’t you dare let him see you cry.
I clenched my jaw and invoked the bitch, begging her to help me keep my too-weak emotions in check. “I told you everything. I trusted you with my past, and you threw it in my face.”
“You’re right,” he said. “That stuff with our parents messed with my head and when I saw you with Daniel… All I can say is that I momentarily lost my mind because of how crazy I am about you, and I’m sorry.”
“Momentarily lost your mind? That’s not good enough, Ryder. Is that really all you’ve got?”
“No, I’ve also got…” He reached for the roses, and I shot them, sending them off the table coated in an explosion of red petals and blue splatters. It’s not like roses would heal my broken heart and it only showed that he had no idea how badly he’d hurt me.
I swiveled the barrel back toward him, no longer fighting back the grief tearing me apart inside but letting it take over. “I tried so hard to keep you away, but you insisted on breaking down every one of my walls. I let you in—like, all the way in, something I’ve never done before—thinking it made me strong to brush off my past, push away my fears over getting close to someone, and try again. But it didn’t. It made me just weak enough for you to break me. And you did, you broke me.” My voice cracked, so apparently the bitch wasn’t as strong as I hoped she’d be, and that only pissed me off more.
“Shit, Lindsay. I never meant to—”
“Oh, you didn’t mean to? What difference does that make? It doesn’t put me back together. You broke me and then you just walked away like it was nothing. You didn’t even call or text for over a week.” A tear slipped free and more were on the horizon. “And what’s even worse is, I no longer feel like a whole person without you, and I fucking hate it.”
I moved the barrel so it pointed at his crotch, the way I had when we’d first played, but there was no teasing about it this time. For all my talk about not being vindictive or wishing him harm, I suddenly…well, I didn’t know what to call it. I didn’t want him hurt, but I hurt everywhere, and I wanted to do something to take away the pain.
“That part of me certainly loves you,” he said, his voice low and gravelly. He swallowed and his gaze latched onto mine again, the intensity swimming in the blue so strong that it made my breath catch in my throat. “But the rest of me loves you even more.”
He cupped my cheek, the move making the barrel press harder against his crotch. “So do whatever you feel like you need to in order to be able to forgive me. I hate myself for hurting you, and I’ve regretted letting you walk away that night without a fight every second of every day, and I should’ve called.”
He brushed his thumb across my cheekbone, making everything inside of me start unraveling even as I worked to hold it together. “What I should’ve done was go to your apartment, beg for forgiveness for being such an asshole, and tell you how crazy I am about you. Tell you that not only are you beautiful inside and out, you make me happy, and you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, and I don’t feel like a whole person without you, either.”
I shook my head, too scared to believe it, and curled my finger tighter around the trigger to remind me that I was hurt and mad and that I could only rely on me.
“It’s true. I’m so used to keeping everything bottled up, but it’s not even an option when I’m with you, because you make me feel too much. But because I’m also an idiot, instead of just telling you I’d fallen hard for you and that I was scared of losing you, I fucked it all up and tried to bottle everything up again. But it didn’t work. The past several days have shown me that I can’t go back to the way my life was before I had you in it. And I don’t want to. I’ll take feeling everything, even if it’s harder and takes more work, over feeling empty inside.”
My heart squeezed and now I was conflicted all over again. Regardless of how hard I’d tried to convince myself otherwise, I felt that same, consuming emptiness. But feeling everything also sucked, and I didn’t know if I could do it much longer without causing some permanent damage.
“Even though this apology is about a week too late and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I’m begging you to give me another chance.” He wrapped a strand of my hair around his finger, the slight tug sending tingles across my scalp and making it hard for me to focus. “Please say you’ll give me another chance, baby. I’ll do anything to make it right. Just tell me what to do…”
My finger twitched on the trigger of the paintball gun still pressed against his crotch, and he tensed, but he didn’t step away or make a move to block the impending shot.
“I love you, Lindsay Rivera. I’m in love with you, and I need you, and I wish I had more to give you, but you already have all of me.”
My resolve broke, along with something else inside me, and the dam holding back my tears cracked open. I lowered the gun a couple of inches. “You love me?”
He nodded and pulled me into his arms. The gun clattered to the ground, and I hugged him back. There might’ve even been some literal crying on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he ran one hand down my hair and pressed me closer with the other. “I guess I still struggle to believe a girl as amazing and strong as you could want me for me—that I even have a chance at keeping you happy.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re a total catch.” I placed my hand on the side of his face, basking in the scrape of his five o’clock shadow against my palm. “I’ve spent most of the past couple of months wondering why you’d want to be with me.”
“Sounds like we’ve both been a little bit stupid.”
I laughed and then sniffed.
“I’ve always prided myself on my ability to remain in control, but I don’t ever feel fully in control when I’m with you. That night when I saw you with Daniel, I swear it wasn’t about your past, it was the thought that I could lose you—it felt like you were slipping right through my fingers—and that made me lose my mind. Then I did lose you, and now my life doesn’t make sense without you. I don’t want to go back to trying to not rock the boat. I want to rock the boat with you.” He scrunched up his forehead. “That sounds dirtier than I meant it. Not that I don’t want to also rock that boat with you, but I just mean that you’re my person, and I want to be yours, and I hope I’m not too late.”
Oh, crap. Another wave of tears was forming. “I love you, too, I do—”
He pressed his lips to mine, and I couldn’t help melting into him. A desperate edge tainted the kiss, our lips and tongues urgently seeking more, like we both knew that what I
said next might change everything and this might be our last taste.
Once we broke apart, it took me a couple of seconds to catch my breath.
“Just had to do that before you start with your buts,” he said, resting his forehead against mine.
I laughed because he knew me so well, and because he’d told me that when we’d first kissed. But then reality set in and it turned into more of a cry than a laugh.
Ryder swiped the tears with the pads of his thumbs, which made the fact that I was crying in front of him slightly less embarrassing.
My head swam and I had to remind myself to inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale… “I have that summer internship set up in New York City that starts the week after I graduate, and I also have this big interview for a newspaper job in New Jersey. If they offer it to me, I know I need to take it—amazing editing jobs don’t come along very often, and thanks to student loans, I have a lot of debt I need to start paying off. I want to be with you, and like I said, I do love you, but do you really think we’d survive a long-distance relationship?”
I wanted to be optimistic and believe that jumping in and making the most of our last few weeks in Boston together would make us strong. Strong enough that even after I moved out of the state, my boyfriend wouldn’t be tempted by the plethora of women who’d throw themselves at him, regardless of how long we had to go between times we could see each other. There was optimistic, then there was naive, and I worried that a foolish idea like that was the latter.
“I know I’m not willing to risk it,” Ryder said.
My heart sank—low enough I’m pretty sure it fell right on out of my body and hit the toes of my shoes. Of course long distance was too much to ask. What was I thinking?
I dropped my head, more tears pooling in my eyes.
Ryder cupped my chin and tipped my face toward his, his large fingers rough and warm against my skin. I loved how he made me feel tiny and protected, yet strong and powerful at the same time. Loved how patient he was when he helped me with my math, teaching me without making me feel stupid, and how he’d dropped his walls with me as much as I’d dropped mine with him. I loved everything about him. Finally I’d found someone who completely understood me, and it didn’t matter.
Confession #24: Life is epically unfair, and if I ever meet it in a dark alley, I’m so kicking it in the balls.
“I’m coming with you,” Ryder said. “I’ll transfer to a college that’s closer to you.”
Wait. What? I shook my head. “No, Ryder, you can’t.”
He nodded his. “Yes, Lindsay, I can.”
I shook my head harder. “Our relationship is still so new, and I know it’ll be complicated, and not always easy, but we’ll figure out another way. You’re about to go defend your championship title—you’re playing for one of the best hockey teams in the nation, which gives you a much better chance to catch the eye of a NHL scout. Your friends are here. Your entire life is here. I can’t ask you to move for me.”
“You’re not asking. I’m telling you.” Ryder brushed his lips across mine and desire and happiness danced across my skin. If I wasn’t afraid of breaking the spell, I might pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. “I’d rather play slightly distracted and have you in the stands cheering for me and waiting for me after the game than have nothing to play for any day. I choose you, and that means wherever you’re going, I’m going there, too.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Ryder
I parted Lindsay’s lips with mine and kissed her, taking my time, happiness replacing the panic that’d edged our earlier kiss.
“I hope you understand that I’m never letting you go again,” I said, wrapping my arms even tighter around her as I added the phrase that had first helped me break through to this amazing girl. “For the record.”
“Good. I’ve got one last math test, and it’d be convenient if I had you next to me, explaining how to get the right answers.” She pressed a kiss to my jaw. “Plus, you’re rather easy on the eyes. For the record.”
I laughed and dragged my nose across her cheek, taking the time to memorize everything about this moment. Her scent, the way she felt in my arms, and the overwhelming happiness that left me a little dizzy and a lot turned on. “I was so worried that I’d be too late and you wouldn’t forgive me.”
“Thus the locking me in?”
“Thus the locking you in,” I said. “It was hard enough to ask my roommates and Beck for help, but after talking with the girls and coming up with the plan to get you here, I had to swallow my pride and ask Daniel for help.”
That was putting it mildly. When I’d called his name as we’d climbed off the bus that’d brought us back home to Boston, the reluctant look he gave me was beyond deserved—I’d been a prick to him all week. So I’d given my first apology of the weekend and told him I needed a favor. A big one. When he’d added that he’d help—partially because Lindsay was the best, not to mention super hot, which had made my eye twitch—I’d remained in control. Mostly because I figured it’d be hard to get his help if I maimed him, but by then, I’d also realized it’d never been about him in the first place.
“I hope that counts for something,” I said.
Lindsay ran her hands up my arms and linked her fingers behind my neck, bringing her body flush with mine. “You get all the points.”
“Damn, I love you. When you shot the roses out of my hands, I was sure I was screwed. The fact that you forgave me before I had to pull out the rest of the bribery stops proves you’re a way better girlfriend than I deserve. But I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy, no more losing control and acting like an ass ever again.”
“You don’t always have to control everything—I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold back your emotions and be the robot your parents want you to be. I love your unexpected jokes, and I like that I can be myself with you, and you can be yourself with me.” She reached up and toyed with the ends of my hair and I couldn’t help the happy sigh that escaped. “But if you’re having a hard time focusing on hockey, or dealing with family stuff, or if you’re worried about some other guy, we discuss it and give each other the benefit of the doubt and the chance to explain. Deal?”
“Deal. And if I ever bring up your past again, you have full permission to shoot me in the balls, point blank. The offer to do it tonight still stands.”
She eyed the gun as if it was a super-hard decision, and I regretted opening my mouth, even if I stood by it. Then her gaze lowered to my crotch, and all my blood rushed in that direction. “I’m thinking I might want it functional later tonight.”
“Later?” I kissed the spot underneath her ear that I knew drove her crazy, and gently bit her earlobe. “I’m fully functional now.”
She raised an eyebrow, acting unaffected, but her pupils were dilated and her chest rose and fell against mine with faster and faster breaths. “You mentioned bribery? Before I was willing to let it slide with the apology, but now I’m curious.”
I dragged my lips down her neck, brushed her hair aside, and kissed her shoulder. “See for yourself.”
Lindsay opened up the box. She lifted out two white Styrofoam containers that I hoped were still warm. She sniffed them and made an “mmm” noise.
“You said your mom’s enchiladas were your favorite, so I called her and got the recipe, and Megan helped me make them.”
She opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it. I almost teased her that I’d never seen her at a loss for words, but my relief at winning her back made it hard for me to say much of anything, either. She pressed her lips to mine. “Thank you.”
She set the food aside and picked up the semi-destroyed roses. She ran her fingers over the petals. “This is the first time anyone’s ever given me flowers. Now I feel kinda bad that I shot them.”
“I’ll get you more,” I promised.
She righted the vase and stuck the stems in the few inches of water that hadn’t spilled, and then she
reached in the box and pulled out the copy of Twelfth Night that I’d had signed by the Shakespeare company we’d seen.
“I know you probably already have a copy, but—”
“I can’t believe you got their signatures. I love it.” She hugged it to her chest. Her eyes widened as she lifted the last package out of the basket, something I didn’t put in there. I leaned closer and read the label.
Edible, glow-in-the-dark finger paints. Desire flared as I thought about covering her body with the paint and then licking it off her.
“Some bribe,” she said.
While I was totally on board with the idea, I didn’t want her to think I’d assumed I’d get quite that lucky. “That must’ve been your friends.”
She turned the box and pointed out the condoms stuffed into the side, more than we could use in a day, although I wasn’t unwilling to try. “It’s got them written all over it. Speaking of…” Lindsay pulled out her phone and her thumbs flew across her keyboard. She turned the screen to me so I could see the message addressed to Megan, Whitney, and Lyla.
Lindsay: We’re going to need at least an hour. Make sure no one interrupts us. THANKS! <3
She slid her phone in her pocket then ran her hand down my chest. “Do you think those enchiladas will keep? We do have this place to ourselves right now, and it seems like a missed opportunity if we don’t do a little finger painting.” She cupped me over my pants and I groaned.
I grabbed the box, tore it open with my teeth when the flap wouldn’t come loose as easily as I wanted it to, and unscrewed the lid to the first jar of paint I touched. It happened to be red, her favorite color—here in a second, it was going to be mine, too.
Swiping a glob onto two fingers, I used my other arm to pull her closer. I kissed her as I dragged my red-tipped fingers under her shirt, hooking my thumb on the hem so I could draw it up and over her head.
“Fair warning, it takes awhile to paint a masterpiece, even when you’ve got an amazing canvas to work with.” I brushed the red across the spot where the bottom of her bra met her skin. I recaptured her lips, inhaling her gasp as I slipped my fingers underneath the lacy black material and circled her nipple.
Confessions of a Former Puck Bunny (Taking Shots) Page 24