I have a will in my safe-deposit box at the bank. My attorney’s card is attached below.
If either of you are blaming yourselves or each other, knock it off. I am looking forward to the quiet. It’s been a long time. I love all of you.
—Maureen”
They sighed at the same time, then both smiled a little. “You want to come in? Want some tea or anything?” he offered.
“No, thanks. I should be getting home.”
“Daddy!” Sam screamed from down the hall.
They ran to investigate. Sam was standing in the door to his bedroom, wearing only his Batman briefs. “What’s wrong?” Gus asked.
He pointed at the poster.
Cathy said, “That’s very nice. This is a nice room.”
Sam just stared at Gus until he knelt down. “It was me. I thought you’d want it. No ghosts. Just me.”
Then Sam burst into tears and fell into his arms.
“What’s wrong?” Cathy asked.
Gus nodded at the poster. “His mom gave it to him. It was in his room at her apartment.” He lifted the boy into his arms and sat on the bed with him, whispering, “Zombies stole your clothes?”
“Itchy.”
“How ‘bout a bubble bath?”
“First hold me.”
“All right.”
Cathy hesitated, then crossed over and kissed Sam’s head. “I’ll see you later, Sweetheart.” She held up the letter and said to Gus, “Let me contact this guy.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
Chapter 63
The call came from the hospital at 5 a.m. He grabbed some clothes and scooped Sam out of bed, running him over to Jordan’s. Ellen met him at the door with her arms open for the half-asleep boy, and kissed Gus’s cheek. “Drive carefully!”
“I will!”
“Gus!”
He turned questioningly.
“Put some shoes on.”
“Oh! Yeah!”
By the time he fought morning traffic it was nearly 7:00. The nurse hurried him into a pair of scrubs, saying, “Not much time left!”
“I thought this took hours.”
“It does. She’s been here all night.”
She was on her side, back to the door, when he entered. “Sarah?”
She raised her head. “You’re here.”
“Why didn’t you call earlier?”
“No reason to make you sit here and fidget. Where’s Sam?”
“With Ellen and Frank. How you holding up?”
She started to say, “Okay,” but lunged forward into a combination moan and scream.
He rubbed her arm uselessly until she leaned back, drawing some deep breaths. Just then the nurse bustled in and told him, “Can you step out a moment?”
He obeyed. In the hall he could hear women in various stages and volumes of pain from other rooms. Had someone been with Maureen for this? Probably Cathy. He thought suddenly of the photograph Maureen had sent him of herself cradling the infant Sam in her arms. He quickly pressed his eyes to keep from crying.
The nurse came out and informed him, “We’re heading to the delivery room now! Here. You’ll need to wash up, then we’ll get you some gloves.” He followed her directions quietly, smiling at Sarah as they wheeled her out past him.
In the delivery room, he stood next to her, wiping her brow with a rag the nurse gave him and whispering, “Almost done.”
“Look,” the nurse told him, directing his attention to the large mirror behind the doctor’s shoulder.
He watched in awe as the tiny dark head emerged, the hair slicked down but abundant. As they paused to medicate her eyes and clear her nostrils, he murmured to Sarah, “There she is! Look! There she is!”
She smiled and closed her eyes, whispering, “Oh, Gus.”
“Okay, Dad, come get this cord cut, and let’s give Mom a good look at this little lady!”
When they actually placed her in his arms, he grinned. “She’s heavy! And cold. Can I have another blanket?”
“We’ll get her all straightened away in a second. Let’s get her weighed. Mom, are we breast feeding?”
Sarah refused to open her eyes, or to answer. The nurse looked at Gus expectantly. He just said, “No. She’ll be on formula.”
“Breast milk is really…”
“That’s our decision,” he answered firmly.
The doctor finished his final tasks at the end of the table, and snapped off his gloves, then patted Gus’s shoulder. “Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
He spent the morning hovering around the nursery, but decided he’d better head home for Sam around 1:00. He stopped by Sarah’s room first. She was sitting up in the raised bed, watching TV while reading a book. “Multi-tasking?”
“One of my strong points. Did they say when you can take her home?”
“Tomorrow. How about you?”
“Same. They had me sign her birth certificate awhile ago. You decided to name her something else, huh?”
“Maureen suggested it. Sam gave it two thumbs up—seems to be the perfect sister name. Something to do with a little girl who is very strong and never cries and lives in a line or something.”
“Oh! That Madeline! I didn’t make the connection. That’s the perfect sister for Sam!”
“You know it then? You approve?”
“Definitely. It’s from a real old children’s story. ‘In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines / Lived twelve little girls in two straight lines.’ You should buy the book for her.”
“Good. I’d better get home now. I hope you’re feeling better.” He started to turn.
“Gus?”
“Mm?”
“Has she come home yet?”
He shook his head, swallowing.
“Maybe…”
“She’s not coming home.” He looked away, not wanting her to see the raw grief on his face.
“Are you sure? Did she tell Sam…?”
“She isn’t… She drowned.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Oh my God! When? Why didn’t you tell me?”
He exhaled slowly until he was sure his voice wasn’t going to break, then said, “Nothing to do with you.”
“You said I drove her away.”
“You’re no more to blame than anyone else. She told me once the medication made her feel neutralized. I guess at some point the return wasn’t worth that price. She didn’t take them with her.” He sighed deeply. “Maybe she had stopped taking them before that. Her sister said she’d been acting anxious. She wrote to me before…told me she wasn’t numb anymore. Just hurting. Imagine your brain hurting.”
“Have you told Sam?”
“That she’s gone, yes. Not why. Maybe some day.”
“That’s why I can’t be a parent. I can’t begin to imagine how you get a child through something like that. Especially while you’re suffering it, too.”
He shrugged. “You do what you gotta do. Sometimes that involves a whole lot of Kleenex.”
She nodded. “I’m so sorry for anything I’ve contributed…”
“I think you owe me about a thousand dollars on those sorrys at this point. Get some sleep.” He squeezed her hand and kissed her cheek, then hurried out.
Chapter 64
Sam and Jordan bounced into the house together, then stopped short, seeing Gus in the rocker with the bundle in his arms.
“That’s her?” Sam asked.
“Yes. Come see. But use your inside voices, okay?”
“She gots lots of hair,” Jordan commented.
“Hi Maddie,” Sam cooed in the same voice he used for Milo. “I hope you like your bedroom. When you stop going poop in your pants, you c’n sleep with me an’ Jordan. We got lots of room now.”
“What if she stinks?” Jordan whispered.
“She won’t. This is my sister. She’s gonnta be the best. You’ll see. Right Daddy?”
Gus smiled. “With such a great brother, how could she not be?”
“You can be her brother, too, okay?” Sam offered to Jordan.
“We’ll teach her how to throw a football. She can be on our team,” Jordan agreed.
“Can we have a snack now?” Sam asked.
“Wash your hands. I made you red Jello with bananas.”
As they galloped toward the kitchen, he gazed down at the baby’s tiny sleeping face, so trusting and innocent.
This was his child. Everything this child learned or experienced was his responsibility, starting right this minute. He leaned over and kissed her sweet smelling hair.
Sunflowers Page 24