by Boris Akunin
The fleshing-out of the information took three days. During that time Momos undertook the following actions.
Having transformed himself into a manservant looking for a position, he befriended Prokop Kuzmich, the yard-keeper of Fandorin's landlord at the estate. They took a drop of vodka together, with pickled mushrooms, and had a chat about this and that.
He visited Korsh's Theatre and observed the box where Fandorin was sitting with his lady-love, the fugitive wife of the St Petersburg Usher of the Chamber, Opraksin. He did not look at the stage, on which, as chance would have it, they were performing Mr Nikolaev's play Special Assignment, but only at the Court Counsellor and his current flame. He made excellent use of his Zeiss binoculars, which looked like opera glasses, but had a magnification factor of 10. The Countess was, of course, a perfect beauty, but not to Momos's taste. He knew her kind very well and preferred to admire their beauty from a distance.
Mimi also made her contribution. In the guise of a milliner, she made the acquaintance of the Countess's maid Natasha and sold her a new serge dress at a very good price. In the process they drank coffee with cakes, chatted about women's matters and gossiped a little.
By the end of the third day the plan of the counter-attack was ready. It would be subtle and elegant - exactly what was required.
The operation was set for Saturday, 15 February.
The military action unfolded precisely according to the planned dispositions. At a quarter to eleven in the morning, when the curtains were drawn back at the windows of the outhouse on Malaya Nikitskaya Street, a postman delivered an urgent telegram addressed to the Countess Opraksina.
Momos was sitting in a carriage diagonally across from the estate, keeping an eye on his watch. He noticed some kind of movement behind the windows of the outhouse and even thought he could hear a woman shouting. Thirty minutes after the delivery of the message, Mr Fandorin himself and the Countess hastily emerged from the house. Trotting along behind them, tying up her headscarf, came a ruddy-cheeked young woman -the aforementioned maid Natasha. Madame Opraksina was in a state of obvious agitation. The Court Counsellor was saying something to her, apparently trying to calm her down, but the Countess evidently did not wish to be calmed. But then, he could understand how Her Excellency must be feeling. The telegram that had been delivered read: 'Addy, I am arriving in Moscow on the eleven o'clock train and coming straight to you. Things cannot go on like this. You will either leave with me or I shall shoot myself before your very eyes. Yours, insane with grief, Tony'
According to information received from the maid, Madame Opraksina might have abandoned her legal spouse, the Privy Counsellor and Usher of the Chamber Count Anton Apollonovich Opraksin, but she still called him Tony. It was perfectly natural that Monsieur Fandorin would decide to spare the lady an unpleasant scene. And, of course, he would accompany her as she was evacuated, since Ariadna Arkadievna was highly strung and would need to be consoled at length.
When Fandorin's conspicuous sleigh with its cavern of fluffy American bearskin had disappeared round the corner, Momos unhurriedly finished his cigar, looked in the mirror to check that his disguise was in order and, at precisely twenty minutes past eleven, jumped out of the carriage. He was wearing the uniform of an usher of the chamber, complete with ribbon, star and sword, and a three-cornered hat with a plumage on his head. For a man who had come straight from the train, of course, it was a strange outfit, but it ought to impress the oriental servant. The important thing was to be swift and decisive - to give him no chance to gather his wits.
Momos walked through the gates with a determined stride, crossed the yard at a half-run and hammered loudly on the door of the wing, although he could see the bell clearly enough.
The door was opened by Fandorin's valet, a Japanese subject by the name of Masa, who was absolutely devoted to Fandorin. This information, and also the previous day's close study of Mr Goshkevich's book on Japanese manners and customs, had been of assistance to Momos in determining how he ought to comport himself
Aha, Monsieur Fandorin!' Momos roared at the slanty-eyed short-ass, rolling his eyes in a bloodthirsty manner. Abductor of other men's wives! Where is she? Where is my adored Addy? What have you done with her?'
If Mr Goshkevich could be trusted (and why not trust such a highly respected scholar?), there was nothing worse for a Japanese than a shameful situation and a public scandal. And furthermore, the yellow-skinned sons of the Mikado had a highly developed sense of responsibility to their suzerain and lord and, for this round-cheeked chappy, Court Counsellor Fandorin was his suzerain.
The valet was genuinely alarmed. He bowed from the waist and muttered: Apowogy apowogy. I at fawt. I steal wife, cannot weturn.'
Momos did not understand the oriental's mutterings or what it had to do with anything, but one thing was clear: as befitted a Japanese vassal, the valet was prepared to accept responsibility for his master's guilt.
'Ki me, I at fawt,' the faithful servant said with a bow and backed inside, gesturing for the menacing visitor to follow.
Aha, he doesn't want the neighbours to hear, Momos guessed. Well, that suited his own plans perfectly.
Once inside the hallway, Momos pretended to look more closely and realise his mistake: 'Why you're not Fandorin! Where is he? And where is she - my beloved?'
The Japanese backed away to the door of the drawing room, bowing all the time. Realising that he could not pass himself off as his master, he straightened up, folded his arms across his chest and rapped out: 'Massa no hea. Gon way. Foweva.'
'You're lying, you rogue,' Momos groaned, dashing forward and pushing Fandorin's vassal aside.
Sitting in the drawing room, cowering in his chair, was a puny, lop-eared, pimply creature in a shabby frock coat. His presence was no surprise to Momos. This was Anisii Tulipov, a lowly employee of the Department of Gendarmes. He dragged himself all the way here every morning, and he'd been at the lottery.
Aha-a!' Momos drawled rapaciously. 'So that's where you are. Mr Libertine.'
The puny, lop-eared creature leapt to his feet, gulped convulsively and babbled: 'Your ... Your Excellency ... I don't, actually
Aha, Momos concluded, that means the boy is aware of his superior's personal circumstances - he'd realised immediately who'd come calling.
'How, how, did you lure her away?' Momos groaned. 'My God, Addy' he roared at the top of his voice, gazing around, 'what did this ugly freak tempt you with?'
At the word 'freak', the puny creature flushed bright scarlet, clearly taking offence. Momos had to switch tactics in mid-stride.
'Could you really have yielded to this wanton gaze and these voluptuous hps!' he howled, addressing the innocent Addy. 'This lustful satyr, this "knight of the chrysanthemums" only wants your body, but I cherish your soul! Where are you?'
The puny youth drew himself erect. 'Sir, Your Excellency. I am only aware of the delicate circumstances of this situation by pure chance. I am not Erast Petrovich Fandorin, as you seem to have thought I was. His Honour is not here. Nor is Ariadna Arkadievna. And so there is absolutely no point in your—'
'What do you mean, not here? Momos interrupted in a broken voice, slumping on to a chair in exhaustion. 'Then where is she, my little kitten?' When he received no reply, he exclaimed: 'No, I don't believe you! I know for certain that she is here!'
He set off round the house like a whirlwind, flinging open the doors, thinking to himself on the way: A fine apartment, and furnished with taste. When he came to the room with the dressing table covered with little jars and crystal bottles, he froze and sobbed: 'My God, it's her casket. And her fan.' He lowered his face into his hands. And I was still hoping, still believing it wasn't true
The next trick was intended for the Japanese snuffling behind him. It was something he ought to like. Momos pulled his short sword out of its scabbard and with a face contorted by passion, he hissed: 'No, better death. I cannot endure such shame.'
Spotty-faced Tulipov gasped in te
rror, but the valet looked at the disgraced husband with unconcealed admiration.
'Suicide is a grave sin,' the little sleuth said, pressing his hands to his chest in great agitation. 'You will destroy your soul and condemn Ariadna Arkadievna to eternal suffering. This is love, Your Excellency; there is nothing to be done. You should forgive. Act like a Christian.'
'Forgive?' the miserable usher of the chamber muttered, perplexed. 'Like a Christian?'
'Yes!' the boy exclaimed passionately. 'I know it's hard, but it will lighten the burden of your soul, you'll see!'
Momos wiped away a tear, dumbfounded. 'To truly forgive and forget ... Let them laugh, let them despise me. Marriages are made in heaven. I shall take my darling away. I shall save her!' He raised his eyes prayerfully to the ceiling, and large, genuine tears flowed down his cheeks - that was another miraculous gift that Momos possessed.
The valet suddenly came to life. 'Yes, yes. Take way, take way home, awtogeweh,' he said, nodding. "Vewy ansom, vewy nobuw. Why hawakiwi, no need hawakiwi, not wike Chwischan!'
Momos stood there with his eyes closed and his brows knitted in suffering. The other two waited with bated breath to see which feeling would win out: wounded pride or nobility.
It was nobility.
Momos shook his head decisively and declared: "Very well, so be it. The Lord has preserved me from mortal sin.' He thrust the sword back into its scabbard and crossed himself with vigorous sweeps of his hand. Thank you, my dear man, for saving a Christian soul from damnation.' He held his hand out to the puny creature, who clutched it and held on to it, squeezing Momos's fingers with tears in his eyes.
The Japanese asked nervously: 'Take wady's fings home? Awtogeweh?'
'Yes, yes, my friend,' Momos said with a nod of noble sadness. 'I have a carriage. Take her things and put them in it, her clothes, her tri-tri-trinkets.' His voice trembled and his shoulders began to shake. The valet dashed away and began stuffing trunks and suitcases, afraid the mournful husband might change his mind. The pimply boy dragged the luggage out into the yard, puffing and panting. Momos walked round the rooms again and admired the Japanese prints. Some of them were most entertaining, with indecent details. He stuffed a couple of the more savoury ones inside his jacket - to amuse Mimi. In the master's study he took a set of jade beads, as a souvenir. And he left something in their place, also as a souvenir. It took less than ten minutes to load everything.
The valet and the pimply sleuth both saw the 'Count' to his carriage and even helped him up on to the footboard. The carriage had sunk considerably lower on its springs under the weight of Addy's luggage.
'Drive,' Momos told the coachman in a melancholy voice, and rode away from the field of battle.
He held the Countess's jewellery box in his hands, lovingly fingering the glittering stones. It was actually not a bad haul at all. Pleasure had been combined with business in a most satisfactory fashion. The sapphire diadem alone - the one he had already taken note of in the theatre - was probably worth a good thirty thousand. Or should he give it to Mimi, to go with her lovely blue eyes?
As he drove along Tverskaya Street, a familiar sleigh came rushing along in the opposite direction. The Court Counsellor was alone, with his fur coat unbuttoned and a resolute look on his pale face. He was on his way to have things out with the ferocious husband. Most praiseworthy - he was a brave man. But it was Madame Addy to whom the dear fellow would have to make his explanations now and, according to the information that Momos possessed and his own personal impressions, those explanations would not be easily made. Addy is going to give you hell, Momos thought, delighted at the prospect. That will teach you to spoil Momos's fun, Mr Fandorin. One good turn always deserves another.
CHAPTER 5
A Grouse Hunt
The meeting to consult on the case of the Jack of Spades was limited to a narrow circle: His Excellency Prince Dolgorukoi, Frol Grigorievich Vedishchev, Erast Petrovich Fandorin and, like a quiet little mouse in the corner, the humble servant of God, Anisii.
It was evening time and the lamp under its green shade illuminated only the Governor's writing desk and its immediate surroundings, so that candidate-for-a-state-rank-title Tulipov was as good as invisible in the soft shadows that filled the corners of the study.
The speaker's voice was low, dry and monotonous, and His Excellency the Governor seemed to be almost dozing off: his wrinkled eyelids were closed and the long wings of his moustache were trembling in time to his slow, regular breathing.
Meanwhile the report was approaching its most interesting part: the conclusions.
'It would be reasonable t-to assume,' Fandorin stated, 'that the gang consists of the following members: the "Duke", "Speier", the "Notary", the "Constable", the girl with exceptional gymnastic abilities, "Count Opraksin" and his coachman.'
At the words 'Count Opraksin', one corner of the Court Counsellor's mouth turned down in suffering, and a tactful silence filled the study. However, when Anisii looked a little closer, he saw that he was the only one actually maintaining a tactful silence and everyone else was simply saying nothing without being the slightest bit tactful. Vedishchev was smiling openly in glee, and even His Excellency opened one eye and gave an eloquent grunt.
In fact the outcome of the previous day's events had been very far from funny. After the Chief discovered the jack of spades (on the malachite paperweight in the study, where his jade beads had been lying), his perennial sangfroid had deserted him. Admittedly, he hadn't said a word of reproach to Anisii, but he had berated his valet ferociously in Japanese. Poor Masa had been so affected by it that he wanted to do away with himself and had even gone running into the kitchen to get the bread knife. It had taken Erast Petrovich a long time to calm the poor fellow down afterwards.
But that had been just the beginning; the real fireworks had begun when Addy came back. Recalling what had happened then, Anisii shuddered. The Chief had been presented with a stern ultimatum: until he returned her toiletries, scent and jewellery, Ariadna Arkadievna would wear the same dress and the same sable cloak; she would apply no scent and keep the same pearl earrings on. And if that should make her ill, then Erast Petrovich would be solely and completely to blame. Tulipov had not heard what came after that, because he had taken the coward's way out and withdrawn but, if the Court Counsellor's pale face and the dark circles under his eyes were anything to go by, he had not got any sleep last night.
'I warned you, my dear fellow, that nothing good would come of this escapade of yours,' Prince Dolgorukoi declared in a didactic tone, 'nothing good at all. A respectable lady, from the highest echelon of society, a husband with a very substantial position. I even received complaints about you from the Court Chancellery. As if there aren't enough women without husbands, or at least of more modest rank.'
Erast Petrovich flushed and Anisii was frightened he might say something more than could be permitted to his high-ranking superior, but the Court Counsellor took himself in hand and carried on talking about the case as if nothing out of the ordinary had been said: 'That was how I imagined the membership of the gang as late as yesterday. However, after analysing what my assistant has told me about yesterday's ... events, I have changed my opinion. And entirely thanks to Mr Tulipov, who has rendered the investigation invaluable assistance.'
Anisii was most surprised by this declaration and Vedishchev, the spiteful old man, interposed venomously. 'Why, of course, he's a well-known agent. Anisii, why don't you tell us how you carried the suitcases out to the carriage and took the Jack by the elbow and helped him in so that he wouldn't, God forbid, miss his step.'
Tulipov blushed bright red in torment, and wished the earth would simply swallow him up.
'Frol Grigorievich,' said the Chief, interceding for Anisii, 'your gloating is out of place. All of us here have been made fools of, each in his own way ... begging your pardon, Your Excellency' The Governor had started dozing again and gave no response to the apology, and Fandorin continued. 'So let us try t
o make allowances for each other. We have a quite exceptionally strong and audacious opponent.'
'Not opponent - opponents. An entire gang,' Vedishchev corrected him.
'What Tulipov told me has made me doubt that.' The Chief slipped his hand into his pocket, but immediately jerked it back out, as if he'd burned his fingers. He was going to take out his beads, Anisii guessed, but the beads aren't there.
'My assistant remembered what the "Count's" carriage looked like and described it to me in detail, in particular the monogram "ZG" on the door. That is the sign of the Zinovy Goder company, which rents out carriages, sleighs and fiacres, both with coachmen and without. This morning I visited the company's office and was able without any difficulty to locate the very carriage: a scratch on the left door, crimson leather seats, a new rim on the rear right wheel. Imagine my surprise when I learned that yesterday's "important gentleman" in uniform and wearing a ribbon took the carriage with a coachman!'
'Well, and what of it?' asked Vedishchev.
'Oh come now! It meant that the coachman was not an accomplice, not a member of the gang of jacks, but a complete outsider! I found that coachman. Admittedly, I did not profit greatly from talking to him: we already had a description of the "Count" without him, and he was unable to tell me anything else that was useful. The things were delivered to the Nikolaevsky Station and deposited at the left-luggage office, following which the coachman was let go.'
And what did you find at the left-luggage office?' asked Prince Dolgorukoi, suddenly awake again.
'Nothing. An hour later a cabby arrived with the receipts, took everything and left for an unknown destination.'
'Well then, and you say Anisii rendered assistance,' said Frol Grigorievich with a dismissive wave of his hand. 'It was a total flop'