by Vi Carter
“I’ll tell him. I promise,” I say again.
The house is dark when I get home. I go straight to my room and let the betrayal sink in. Out of everyone I really thought Art would be the one who would have stood beside me, I got that so fucking wrong. The bottom drawer of my bedside locker holds a half bottle of whiskey. Taking it out I unscrew the cap. The burn is immediate and I drink deeply. Telling Liam would get them clipped. I didn’t care about Mark, but Art dying didn’t sit right with me. Liam wouldn’t let Fitz and DJ walk away either. I couldn’t let them all die. The whiskey sloshes in the bottle as I place it on my bedside table before picking up my fags. Lighting a smoke I lie back on my bed. The red tip glows in the dark room. Smoke billows over my head and I try to just focus on it. But Art’s betrayal is too fresh. I drink until I pass out on my bed.
“Oh my God. You need to clean this place up.”
Opening one eye I look up at Una. She’s standing over me with her hands on her hips as she stares down at me. “What are you doing in my room?” My head pounds as I speak.
Una moves out of my line of sight. Light burns my eyes. “Close the curtains.” I bury my head in my pillow.
“You text me last night-” Una glances around my room, wriggling her nose. “-his place reeks, Darragh.”
“I texted you last night?” I’m sitting up even as my head and stomach protest.
“Yes you did, asking me to go dress shopping with you. I didn’t know you crossed dressed.” She’s smirking.
I’m struggling to function right now. “I need painkillers and coffee.” I mumble through dry lips. Picking up the bottle of whiskey I drain the final three drops to try to moisten my lips.
“You know you have a problem.” Una’s voice this time isn’t playful.
I don’t need a lecture. “Yeah my head is banging.” I get up pulling the blankets aside.
“Oh my God!” Una’s shouts don’t help my head.
“What’s wrong?” I ask but she won’t look at me, her hand is covering her eyes.
Looking down at myself I nod. “Ah shit I don’t even remember changing.”
“You’re naked.”
“Yeah I know.” I say glancing at her back.
“Put some clothes on Darragh.” She says.
I tug on a pair of jeans. “I’m decent.” I tell her.
She turns around her face is bright red.
“I think you like what you see.” I tease and bend to pick up a t-shirt but my head screams at me and I’m standing again.
“You really need help.”
“Get me a t-shirt.” I ask with one eye open. Una tuts but still rifles through my drawers and pulls out a clean blue T-shirt.
I throw it over my shoulder as we leave my room.
“So do you still want to go dress shopping today?” Una sounds cheerful now that we are out of my room and making our way downstairs.
“Yeah. It’s for Ciara. I have to get her a dress and shoes and stuff for the wedding.”
Una’s squeal hurts my head. “You have a girlfriend. This is a first for you.”
Mary is in the kitchen when we enter. “Morning Mary,” I say while pulling her into an unexpected hug.
“Oh, Darragh.” Mary swats me away.
“What?” I ask while pulling on my t-shirt.
“You smell of drink. Sit down until I get you some food.”
“Mary I’m really considering marrying you,” I say and she smiles.
“That would be unfair to your new girlfriend.” Una sings as she sits down at the table.
“You have a girlfriend?” Both of Mary’s eyebrows rise with surprise.
“No just a friend who’s a girl.” I clarify as I sit down.
“So a girlfriend.” Una is enjoying this too much.
Mary gives me two painkillers and a glass of water that I take instantly.
“So tell me about Ciara?” Una is bouncing beside me.
“Am I going to regret this?”
“Of course.” Her laugh has me smiling. “Just describe her.”
“She’s blue hair. She can kick anyone’s ass. She’s hostile and violent.”
Una frowns at my description. “She sounds like a keeper.”
I laugh. “She’s cool.”
Una tilts her head. “If I didn’t know you Darragh I’d say you liked her.”
Mary has been listening, and she hands me a cup of coffee and some advice. “If she makes you smile, then she’s worth it.”
I take Mary’s advice as I sip on my coffee. “I wouldn’t say smile,” I respond. “She amuses me.”
“Okay, I need her body stats.”
“She’s five foot four, small build, big boobs.” I grab my chest with my hands and Una rolls her eyes. “She’s an eight-dress size and a five and a half shoe size.”
“Wow, what did you do measure her?”
“She told me her measurements, and that she wasn’t coming unless I got her a dress and shoes.”
Una laughs. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Meet who?” Shane enters the kitchen and Mary immediately returns to the stove.
“Darragh has a girlfriend,” Una tells him. I don’t correct her.
Shane sits down beside Una, taking her hand like he still needed to make his mark on her.
“God help her.” I ignore his words as Mary places a fry up in front of me. I give her a wink before I dig in.
“I’m going shopping with Darragh to buy her a dress.” Una is spilling her guts to Shane; I don’t interject but continue eating my fry.
“I don’t know Una.” Shane starts.
I just want to eat my breakfast in peace. “Shane go take your sister and go entertain yourself. I’ll go shopping myself.”
Shane’s chair hits the floor and he is over me.
“Shane don’t!” Una’s standing too.
I continue to eat my fry.
“You’re pushing me too far Darragh.”
I glance up at him. “What you can insult me but I can’t tell you a home truth.” The air leaves me as my back collides with the floor, the chair screeches and stops as it hits the wall. Shane’s over me, veins bulging. Una and Mary are frantic and their noise has me closing my eyes. Sounds muffle and when it returns, so does the air and pain. My lungs refill and I choke.
“Shane.”
I continue to cough as Liam’s voice seems to dance across everyone else’s and silence falls on the girls. “Let him up.”
Shane’s still over me. I can see the struggle he’s having letting this go but I don’t want to. I don’t want to just let him be saved again by Liam. I don’t want to be saved by Liam.
“Be a good boy and do as you’re told.” My words get the reaction I knew they would, his fist collides with my face. The pain races up into my already sore head. Copper fills my mouth with the pain comes something else, it’s a tide rising slowly, a rush and I let it free. My own fist connects with his face and the rush that I was deprived of last night at DJ’s fills me. I get three good strikes in and I know if I had Rochelle, I would make bits of Shane. He’s strong as we wrestle on the floor knocking over chairs. Finn and Liam pull me off Shane. As I rise he kicks out connecting with my stomach, taking the air from my lungs. I throw my leg one final time and impact with his face. Una’s screams bash my ears as I try to catch my breath. My body aches and the earlier rush is gone. Now I just feel fucking exhausted.
“What is wrong with you?” Finn’s speaking and when I glance at him, I see it’s directed towards me.
“So it’s my fault?” I ask him but I’m aware that Shane is standing up while Una frets over him.
“Is it?”
“What does it matter? I’m wrong no matter what.” I yank my arm free from Finn. Liam has already released me. Mary is standing at the kitchen sink, a cloth clutched to her chest, the water soaking into her white blouse.
“I’m sorry you had to see that Mary,” I say before I leave the room.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CIARA
No matter how many times I try to forget about the two guys I can’t. My mind won’t slow down; I keep thinking they will be waiting for me around every corner. I’ve started to carry a knife and pepper spray in my bag. I hesitate as I stuff it in my locker, should I remove it and take it with me? I push the bag into the locker; I’m no longer working in the strip club, since the incident I’ve been assigned to cleaning rooms only.
A scream tears from my throat as Darragh pops up out of nowhere.
“I don’t look that bad,” he says around a swollen lip and a black eye.
“Should I ask?” I close the locker door as my heart falls into a steady pattern.
“It was just a family disagreement.”
I can’t look away from his battered face. “I’d hate to see what happens when your family has a serious row.”
“Someone normally dies.” The way Darragh says it has me narrowing my eyes at him.
“I’m joking. So let’s start work.”
I get my trolley and make my way to our first room. “Are you okay?” He seems to be leaning more so on his right leg.
“You want to nurse me back to health?” His grin returns.
“I think I’ll pass.” I slide my card into the room door.
The moment we enter Darragh sits on the floor in his usual spot. “Can I sit this one out? Since I’m injured?”
“You’ll have to tell me what happened.” I don’t really expect him to tell me and when he looks away I start to strip the bed.
“The second eldest of us, Shane, he just hates me.”
I take a quick peek at Darragh. He’s studying his hands so I continue to clean.
“When we were in school if anyone annoyed one of us, they had to deal with us all. Family came first no matter what.”
When I steal another glance at Darragh this time, there’s a sad smile on his face.
He shrugs to the floor. “Family still comes first even though it’s all fucked up now. But back then we really had each other’s backs. We were brothers.”
I’m so aware of each word and something is telling me that Darragh doesn’t share too much. For me if anyone asked questions now, I would know they were listening and I would shut down so I continue cleaning the room, slowly and quietly to allow him to keep speaking.
“You know it was all pretty great until our mother died.” His brows furrow and the pain in his eyes has me stopping and breaking my own rules.
“I just lost it…” He trails off and looks up at me and there it is, he knows now he is sharing. He shifts.
“Death isn’t easy,” I say.
He scratches his beard and looks around the room. “I went mad on drugs. I really gave my family a hard time. I don’t remember much of it. But I was sent to some place to dry out. My memory is fuzzy. It felt like a prison. It was always so silent and cold.”
I’m sitting on the bed now piecing Darragh together.
“When I came back everyone was different. Cold. Shane hated me most of all. He said I bailed when they had to face it all. He was right. I took the easy route. It wasn’t just us that was different; it was the house, the smell, even the noise.”
Darragh trails off and I find myself on the floor in front of him. The strain on his face barely holds back his pain.
I slowly touch his hand. “I’m so sorry Darragh,” I say. My touch has his eyes flickering up to mine.
“I don’t know how to fix anything. I just seem to have a habit of breaking things.”
Liam’s words about him breaking pretty things floods my mind and I remove my hand. “Maybe cut back on the drink,” I say. “You reek.” I add.
He gets off the ground. His hand fills my vision and I take it as he helps me get up. He doesn’t release my hand until my eyes settle on his.
“What about you?”
I can’t hold his eye. “What about me?” I easily remove my hand from his and start making the bed.
“I spill my guts out and you won’t tell me about you.”
“I didn’t force you.” I glance at him.
His grin isn’t filled with humor. “Fine.” He stomps to the cart and gets a polish and duster. The side table is assaulted by his large hands. My heart races in my chest. I don’t want him to be mad at me which is a crazy feeling to have.
“They are dead,” I say.
Darragh stops abusing the furniture. “What happened?” My stomach squeezes and I search the room for words. I didn’t talk about it ever.
“My mum overdosed.” I keep my head high and wait for the judgment.
“Fuck that’s intense.”
“I found her,” I blurt out, blood pounds in my ears. Saying it out loud makes it too real.
“My dad was a junkie too, he also overdosed.” I’m nodding just trying to tell myself to keep it together.
“Ciara.” The way Darragh says my name has me turning away.
“It’s fine.” I say quickly as I go to my trolley. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I freeze as strong arms wrap around me.
“What are you doing?” Fear clogs my voice.
“Just let me. Please.” Darragh turns me in his arms and holds me. I can’t respond as my arms hang loosely at my side.
“What are you doing?” My voice trembles again as I keep staring at the door. I won’t close my eyes; I can’t close my eyes, if I close my eyes I don’t know what will happen.
“I’m hugging you.” He explains to my hair, and God does it feel nice to have this contact. But I don’t know what to do with it. I want to push him away and put back up my walls but I can’t move. My hands seem to rise on their own accord and I’m wrapping them around his back. I’m all in now but closing my eyes will break me.
“I’ve been living on the streets with my father since I was sixteen.” I tell this to the door and Darragh tightens his hold on me. I don’t blink. “He died three days after my seventeenth birthday. So I’ve been on the streets until your brother found me.”
A kiss is planted on the top of my head and I want to ask Darragh to stop. I want my tongue to stop moving but it doesn’t.
“I learned to protect myself. I had to.” I whisper. Too many memories slowly flood my mind and I close my eyes against them only to fill up with pain that has me clutching Darragh. I’m a sinking ship and Darragh can’t swim. I know losing myself in him is dangerous but I can’t stop the pain. My hands push against his chest as I try to stop this but he holds me. “It’s okay Ciara.”
“No it’s not. Just let me go.” Darragh does but I don’t step away from him. His frame is a shield from reality. I just need a moment to pull myself together.
“Ciara look at me.” I do as tears create a path down my face. “It’s okay to let someone in.” My hands still rest on his chest, the heat and the heavy beat of his heart has my own beating to a new dance. One I’m not familiar with. I’m looking at him and it feels all too much. Darragh moves closer, dipping his head and I’m not sure what’s happening between us. I don’t want to lose myself. He moves closer his large hands cupping my face as his lips touch mine.
I’m kissing him back with an uncertainty like he will change his mind in a second but he deepens the kiss and I’m moving too fast; the air is thinning and I feel like I’m drunk. I break the kiss. Darragh’s heavy breaths brush my face.
“You can’t kiss me.” I’m telling his chest. “You can’t … just…” I lick the salty moisture from my lips. “-do that. You can’t just kiss me.” Each breathless word is painful and I want to lash out. I move away from him and I can’t look up at him. “You have no right.” I finally settle on.
“You kissed me back.” His words have my focus snapping up to him.
Blowing air through my lips my vision wavers. “This isn’t right.” I’m telling him and he stuffs his hands in his pockets but doesn’t move away.
“We are two adults who kissed. Don’t make it sound like a crime.”
“Don’t ever do that again.” My angry words com
e out calmly and Darragh snorts removing his hands from his pockets.
“Fine Ciara. I was just trying to comfort you.”
“By sticking your tongue down my throat.” I bark back.
“You’re twisting this. You kissed me back.” Darragh walks away from me.
“Yeah well don’t do it again.”
He looks at me over his shoulder and shakes his head, but doesn’t answer me.
“I’m cleaning the bathroom. Alone.” I’m stumbling gathering supplies that I don’t even look at. Once I close the bathroom door I move to the sink and run the taps before sinking to the floor. My hands cover my mouth as I try to push everything back in, but it won’t go back down. Everything haunts me, all the ghosts. Biting my hand keeps some of the pain at bay. I want to hurt Darragh. Why him? Why the hell did I open up to him?
“Ciara.” Darragh’s voice and a knock at the door brings me to the surface.
“Five minutes.” I choke out but the door is opening. “Oh my god. Just give me a minute.” My lip trembles as I speak.
But he isn’t leaving. “I don’t know what to do here Ciara.”
“Are you deaf? I said leave. I don’t want you here.” My anger rises like a tide and I’m on my feet. The tears stop.
His laugh has my anger boiling over, the blood that pounds through my veins feels red hot. “You find this funny?”
“No.” His stupid ass answer is said with a grin. “I’ve just never felt this unsure before.” It’s in his eyes. The pain, the strain he carries daily. He’s tired, and just like that my anger deflates like a burst balloon and I give a wobbly smile.
“We can pretend today never happened,” I say as the lid goes back on my emotions.
“Is that what you really want?”
What kind of question was that? “Yeah it is.”
He nods.
I don’t stand around allowing myself to break again. Splashing my face with water, I pat my face. Darragh still stands behind me and I refuse to meet his eye in the mirror.
“We better get this room finished. It’s taking too long.” I turn around and face him.
“What if I don’t want to pretend today didn’t happen?”
“Tough.” I move past him and a part of me lights up as his hands grips my arm, but another says I’m too tired for the feelings he is making me feel.