He said he was in a difficult position due to his career as a civil servant but that he wanted us to know that he did not agree with what Marcos was doing to the country and its people.”
I started to cry but I managed to ask,
“What about Ma?”
“Ma was just as proud of you,” she answered.
Hearing this, I could not stop the tears and my two sisters started crying too.
Then I said, “I was wrong then to think what I thought all these years that they were ashamed of me, too ashamed to even talk about it. If I had just one wish, just now, as we sit around here, I would wish that Ima and Tatang could be sitting right here with us and I was fifteen again and could hear them saying the words that you just said.”
But my parents are now gone and these words will never be uttered. I cannot blame them, nor have I ever blamed them. What I know is that they suffered too. I also know enough to understand that my parents belonged to a generation where these things did not come easily. Emotional sentiments were not talked about; Filipinos were not equipped to talk candidly about feelings in the way Americans tend to do. It is not considered proper to let ‘your guts hang out.’ This lack of a language for communicating feelings typified my parents’ generation.
But it did not matter, I silently resolved. It was very brave of them to tell Cynthia. It was courageous of them to admit that they did not like Marcos and his government. I also resolved that it was okay to know that they were proud of me and to have known this through my sister rather than hear it directly from them. It was enough to know. While hearing it from them directly would have been the best and indeed heaven sent, there is nothing wrong with second best.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Putting this story on paper has taken a long time. From the Washington DC suburb of Takoma Park to Sydney, Australia, where I lived for three years, and visits to other countries in between, and then back home again to Takoma, the story followed me and I followed it where it wanted to take me. It has been quite a journey.
I would like to thank Mila Tecala, who encouraged me to write. Her belief in me helped end my unhealthy view that writing was dangerous territory particularly as it related to the viciousness of the Marcos dictatorship. I express my gratitude to family members, who cheered me along the way: I am beholden to my husband, Charles Feinstein, who confidently trusted me to do right by the story. A debt of gratitude also goes to my sisters, Cynthia Daniel and Timmee Pinpin, who gave me their insights and corrected details in parts of this book. My friends in Sydney, California and in Washington have been a source of strength especially in times of hesitation and angst. You know who you are; the many conversations I had with all of you were inspirational, but more importantly, touched with warmth and humanity—that is why I am so lucky to be called your friend.
I thank my editor, Matt Ellis, who made the book what it is now and for helping me navigate the odysseys of writing. I acknowledge my gratitude to Hadley Kincade, a photo editor and graphic designer, who, after reading the book, had a remarkably clear-eyed concept for the cover, and to illustrator, Jennifer Kincade, for the chalk drawings.
In February 2008, I visited the library of the Task Force Detainees of the Philippines in Quezon City. I am thankful for the access they gave me; the documents I found there have only enriched the contents of this book. I salute the difficult work they do on behalf of political prisoners.
Finally, I could not have written this book without everyone’s contributions. That is not to say that everyone approves of all that is written within these pages. I take responsibility for that and for any errors despite my earnest intentions.
Vicky Pinpin-Feinstein
Takoma Park, MD
February 2013
NOTES AND SOURCES
Much of what has been written in these pages depended on the recollections and flashes of memory gleaned over some thirty years. While the story is my own, I have relied on historical accounts in other publications to confirm what I myself had witnessed during the Marcos years. And even though I write in English, I believe that the story could only be truly enhanced by my recollections of conversations and thoughts experienced in my own language. There are times, such as this storytelling, when I won’t deny my tribal inclinations: I am a Kapampangan first. To think about specific incidents and details in Kapampangan helped me relive what was painful. But it also provided me a rich cultural context to describe my story, which for many years I buried. Not anymore.
THE ROAD TO CAMP
a cozy place for Huks in the 1950s and the NPA in the 1960s and 70s. – Huks is the moniker used for insurgents. It comes from Hukbalahap, which stands for Hukbong Mapagpalaya ng Bayan, the precursor organization to the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP) founded in 1969 by Jose Maria Sison, as its most prominent leader and other leading figures of the underground movement. The NPA, short for New People’s Army, was formed as the military arm of the CPP.
She wondered when Tatang and Ima would arrive. -Tatang is the Kapampangan word for father. Its shortened version is Tang. Ima is the word for mother. Ma is the shortened version.
REMEMBERING
My grandma, Lola Palu, or Apu, -Lola is the honorific Pilipino word for grandmother. I used this interchangeably with its Kapampangan equivalent, Apu. It is traditional practice to put a honorific word as a sign of respect before the names of older people or anyone older than yourself. For example, were I to address an older sister, I must put the word, “atche” + ing before their name, as in Atching Lisa. Were I to address an older brother or older male cousin, I would have to use, “Koya + ing before their names as in Koyang Fred. It is common practice to use these words of respects to older friends and neighbors.
I just heard in the palenque… -The Kapampangan word “Palenque,” refers to the town square and its surrounding areas.
Hesusmaryosep -This is a Kapampangan expression of dismay and shock, invoking the biblical names of Jesus, Mary and Joseph in a moment of fear or apprehension.
You Can’t Be Neutral on a Moving Train – aside from being the title of his memoir, this is also the title of the documentary depicting the life and times of Howard Zinn.
IN THE SHADOWS
You will have to ask them, inang -Inang is a word of affection used by parents when talking to a daughter.
Merienda -Merienda is used in two ways. It means the snack time in the afternoon but it can also mean the snacks eaten at that time in the afternoon, usually traditional rice cakes or biscuits with ginger tea or coffee.
MARTIAL LAW PHILIPPINE STYLE
Wearing his familiar Barong Tagalog -The Barong Tagalog is the traditional formal attire for Filipino men, usually made of a flimsy fabric either of cotton blend or the more unusual piña so called because it is woven from pineapple fibers.
Kimona -A kimona is a woman’s traditional blouse, which is usually embroidered, and worn together with a loose printed cotton skirt around the house.
the heat of campaigning -“Binding up the Wounds,” Time Magazine, November 22, 1971.
“apex of a pyramid of terror, with 3,257 killed, 35,000 tortured, and 70,000 incarcerated.” -Quoted from a talk given by Prof. McCoy titled, “Dark Legacy: Human Rights Under the Marcos Regime,” given at a conference, Legacies of the Marcos Dictatorship on 20 September 1999 at the Ateneo de Manila University. This talk was also extracted from his book, Closer than Brothers: Manhood at the Philippine Military Academy. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2000. This exact quote was taken from a reprint of the talk produced online and can be found at http://www.hartford-hwp.com/archives/54a/062.html.
“….the violence enveloping the country erupted on all fronts… -this quote appears on page 13 of Jacobo Timerman. Prisoner Without a Name, Cell Without a Number (New York: Vintage Books edition, 1988).
The Little School – Tales of Disappearance and Survival, written by Alicia Partnoy (San Francisco: Midnight Editions/Cleis Press, 1986).
Pumipiglas -Pumipiglas in Pili
pino means struggling to be free. Like a bird that is struggling to be free from someone’s grasp, it is also used metaphorically to describe political struggles. It is also the title of a report published by the Task Force Detainees of the Philippines. Pumipiglas: Political Detention and Military Atrocities in the Philippines, 1981-1982 (Quezon City: TFDP, 1986).
Water had to be coaxed out of a rundown water pump, quote from Pumipiglas, page 43.
They have to eat the rice half-cooked to save fuel for the next cooking, quote from Pumipiglas, page 43.
THE FACES OF THE ENEMY
Conjugal dictatorship - Conjugal dictatorship was a term used and the title of a book penned by Primitivo Mijares. He later defected and rumored to have been assassinated by Marcos’ henchmen.
“jockeying to cling to power after his term expired in 1973.” -Stanley Karnow. In Our Image: America’s Empire in the Philippines (New York: Random House, 1989), p. 356.
Terno -The terno is the traditional formal wear for women, best known for its very stiff butterfly shaped sleeves. It is a gown historically made of a fine, flimsy and delicate material called jusi. The jusi, when cut into a terno, is almost always embroidered with fanciful designs of leaves, flowers or traditional symbols.
“the good, the beautiful, the right of whatever we have through the course of centuries…” -Imelda Marcos quote is taken from the CPB-funded documentary, Imelda, a film by Ramona Diaz and aired on PBS in May 2005.
“Now what is love made real? Beauty…” -Another Imelda Marcos quote taken from the same documentary, Imelda.
“It was a compassionate society and it was a benevolent leadership…” -Quote is taken from a documentary produced by the Foundation for Worldwide People Power called Batas Military: Martial Law in the Philippines that can be viewed in 11 parts on YouTube.
“In fact, we had no human rights case whatsoever here in the Philippines.” -Quote taken from PBS documentary, Imelda, premiered in May 2005.
“a world, which, in its language, laws, and images, re-enforces despair, and the journey to destruction is sealed.” -Toni Morison, in the foreword to her novel, The Bluest Eye, said that when she began writing the story, she was interested not in the resistance to the contempt of others, but rather to the “far more tragic and disabling consequences of accepting rejection as legitimate.” Her characterization of this type of rejection by adults is the thing that I have found to sometimes be the most paralyzing particularly in children, who are just learning to come out of their own and to experience the world in their own terms, but then this journey is cut short due to no fault of their own making. While the destruction has not been as complete as Ms. Morrison speaks of, it certainly has at times felt that way.
Mesira yang dalaga – is a Kapampangan expression for a woman who loses her virginity before marriage. It literarily means broken woman. Dalaga is the Kapampangan word for a young woman, a maiden.
THE OTHER
Calesa -A calesa is a horse drawn carriage still being used today as public transportation in San Fernando.
On Edgar Jopson – see Benjamin Pimentel. U.G. An Underground Tale: The Journey of Edgar Jopson and the First Quarter Storm Generation (Pasig City: Anvil Publishing, 2006).
“…NPA was active in sixty-two of the country’s seventy-three provinces…” -For a comprehensive account of the rise of the NPA, see William Chapman. Inside the Philippine Revolution: The New People’s Army and Its Struggle for Power. (New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1987).
On TFDP’s report on Bernabe Buscayno – the typewritten report, an internal document by the Task Force Detainees of the Philippines, provided by a staff of the organization in the winter of 2008.
INCARCERATION TRAILS
“failed to fulfill its obligation to protect the right to life of every individual in its jurisdiction.” -The pattern of extrajudicial killings did not stop even after Marcos’ reign ended. This is clearly detailed in many reports by international human rights organizations. See for example, a 2006 report by Amnesty International entitled, Philippines: Political Killings, Human Rights and the Peace Process. Available online at http://www.losangelesemploymentlawyer.com/SDSHHH-and-the-Harvard-Human-Rights-Clinic-Submit-Evidence-of-Torture-to-the-UN-Special-Rapporteur-on-Torture-PDF/Appendix-C-Amnesty-International-Philippines.pdf.
“But nothing has happened and I find this calm terrifying.” – Jacobo Timerman, page 34.
THE PERSONAL AND THE POLITICAL
how much you really trusted it [a rope] -Taken from C.S. Lewis’ book, A Grief Observed, first published in England by Faber and Faber Limited in 1961. It was re-issued with a foreword by Madeline L’ Engle in 1989 by HarperCollins Publishers.
“marked by incredible carnage.” -As described by Amando Doronila in Analysis: Politics of Violence,” Philippine Inquirer Column found online at http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20070824-84405/Politics_of_violence, August 24, 2007.
“I happen to be a great believer in denial. You can’t do it all at once. It’s just too much.” -Suse Lowenstein said this in talking to authors, Ron Marasco and Brian Shuff, as found in their book, About Grief: Insights, Setbacks, Grace Notes, Taboo, (Chicago: Ivan R. Dee Publishers, 2010), page 73.
A Thousand Little Deaths Page 18