The library shelves were packed with books she considered worth keeping—thrillers and suspense and mysteries intermixed in the fiction, medical texts, financial texts and law references taking the rest of the space. She had a hard time choosing, there were so many books she would like to reread. She finally pulled down a hardcover by Mary Clark.
She settled into the recliner, kicking the footstand up. This was the way she liked to spend an evening.
She opened the book.
A small piece of red colored paper fluttered down between the arm and the cushion of the seat.
Rae shifted in the seat, balancing her drink and the book in one hand to reach the item.
A Valentine’s Day card.
Leo’s bold signature signed beneath his “I Love You.”
The sob caught her off guard, emotion rushing to the surface before she could stop it.
No. No, she was done crying!
She wiped at the tears with the back of her sleeve, caught a couple deep breaths and forced them back. No. No more. She was done crying.
She got up.
It was hard, and her hand wavered, but she resolutely tucked the beautiful card in the box on the bookshelf where she kept the pictures she had yet to file in her scrapbook.
She wasn’t going to let a card do this to her. It was beautiful, and there was no one to send her I Love You cards anymore, but she wasn’t going to let the card affect her this way. No. She couldn’t.
The desire to read was gone.
She left the book resting on the armrest of the recliner and returned to the kitchen. The pizza had barely begun to cook.
Was it possible to simply decide to stop grieving?
She leaned against the counter and watched the pizza cook.
Was it possible to simply decide not to grieve anymore?
Rae rubbed her burning eyes and reached to the medicine cabinet for the aspirin bottle. Her head hurt.
God, I’ve decided I’m not going to cry anymore. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, and crying over the fact I flipped open a book and had a Valentine’s Day card he sent me fall out has got to stop. My life is full of reminders of him. He was in my life for ten years. He’s there, in scrapbooks, in snapshots, in little knickknacks around the house. He fixed my car, and helped build my bookshelves, he even tried to teach me how to make pizza. Work is filled with reminders of him, he is there in every decision and in every stock position we hold. God, I’m not going to grieve anymore. You’ve got to take away the pain. But I’m through crying. He’s gone.
She felt like she had been sideswiped by the same semi that had killed Leo.
When the pizza came out, she ate one piece and put the rest into the refrigerator, not hungry, not caring that she really needed to eat more than she had been in the last few months.
She took a hot shower and let the water fill the room with steam, cried her very last tears until she felt hollow inside, and quietly said goodbye.
She was going on with life. She only hoped it held something worth going on for.
“What do you think?” Kevin asked, leaning against the side of the construction trailer.
James looked out over the eighty acres of land Kevin was turning into a new subdivision of affordable homes and felt slightly stunned. “Kevin, you have done wonders with the business in six years.”
His friend laughed. “Believe me, it has more to do with you than you realize. The early days of the business established such a high-quality standard that almost overnight the business opportunities began to come to us faster than we could meet them.
“It was that house we built for Ben Paulson that turned the corner. He considered the construction so top-notch, that when he began to put together this community, he approached us with the business.”
“How’s the business mix—new construction versus additions, reconstruction?”
“It’s tipped sixty-forty toward new construction now. You want to take a look?” Kevin asked, motioning to the current homes being built.
“Please.”
They walked across the site to one of the framed-in homes. “We have five basic models going up in this subdivision. Most are selling before we even pour the foundation. This is the most popular model. Three bedrooms, two baths, with an open great room.”
“You’ve got a good architect.”
Kevin stepped into the studded kitchen. “Not as good as you,” he replied with a grin, “but Paul has an eye for both space and cost. He’s been a good addition to the team.”
Kevin stepped through what would someday be a patio door. “Of course, partner, when you get tired of Africa, we’ve got a lot of work to do here.”
James laughed. “I think you’ve got things well under control.” He looked around the staked-out lots and thought about what this place would look like in five years, full of homes and families and kids, a place for dreams to be born. It felt good knowing the business here had thrived while the work in Africa had thrived as well. There were times when he could see God’s hand at work and this was one of them. Instead of building only here, they were building both here and overseas.
The doorbell rang.
Rae was sprawled on the couch with the book that had come in the mail that day. It was Tuesday and it had been a long day. She had decided on the drive home that it was time to pick up the final part of life she had left idle since Leo’s death, the book she had been working on. When she had found the package with the medical text waiting for her on her doorstep, it had solidified her decision.
She glanced at her watch. She wasn’t expecting anyone.
With some reluctance, she put down the book and went to get the door.
“Dave.” She was both surprised and pleased to see him.
“Dinner?” He was carrying a pizza box from the place down the street and his smile made her grin in reply.
“You angel. Sure. It’s what? Only ten o’clock?” she teased.
“I just got off work, and it’s time for congratulations.”
“Oh? You won your case?”
He rolled his eyes. “You, my little friend. When were you going to call me?”
Her…oh, the stock that went public…Her smile widened. It had been such a long day she had actually forgotten. “It was only a little killing,” she demurred.
“Sixty-four percent in one day. And you had an even hundred thousand on the line. I would have brought ice cream as well, but they were out of pralines and cream. You look good,” he said, seriously.
She wasn’t in the mood for serious tonight. “Thanks a lot, friend. Go get silverware, the game’s on.”
He moved around her town house with the ease of an old friend, finding plates and napkins, the pizza cutter he had put in her stocking last Christmas.
The living room coffee table had served as a table for many such late-night dinners. Dave discarded his suit jacket and tie, rolled up his sleeves, kicked off his shoes. He settled on the floor, using the couch as a backrest. “Who’s winning?” The Chicago Bulls game was muted on the TV.
Rae handed him one of the sodas she had snagged from the bottom shelf of the refrigerator, helped herself to a slice of the thick-crust supreme pizza. “The Bulls are up by eight in the third quarter, the Sonics are having a bad night.”
He nudged the book on the edge of the table around so he could see the title. “Cell Microbiology?”
“Research for my book,” Rae commented easily, sinking back against the pillows she had pulled from off the couch. “This pizza is great. Thanks.”
“No problem.”
“What were you doing at the office till ten o’clock?”
“Some pro bono work. Yet another father not fulfilling his child support obligations.”
“Will he come through?”
Dave shrugged. “I can force it here as long as he doesn’t go underground with a cash job or change states.”
“You’ll let me know what the family is short?”
Dave nodded. “The fun
d got enough cash?”
“Eight thousand. It will last about another ten weeks.”
“Let me know when it runs dry. I’ll match you again.”
“Thanks.”
Dave nodded.
Rae smiled quietly at her friend as he snagged the remote and turned the sound back on. They frequently supported families they knew were in financial need. He was as generous as she was, he just didn’t like people to know it.
They watched the game and ate pizza, the silence between them that of old friends. “So, have you thought about coming with us?” Dave asked finally.
Rae laughed. “Lace sent you, didn’t she?”
“Rae, you did not come last year. We understood. But you need a vacation. I’m not accepting any excuses this year. If I can get a week off, you can, too.”
“Dave, I’ve got new clients to deal with, a load of new stock issues to evaluate, and a market that’s so high it makes me cringe. I can’t afford to be gone a week.”
“That is exactly why you have to come. There is never going to be a good time to take a break. When the markets are good, you’re worried about them dropping, and when the markets correct, you’re worried about losing other people’s money. You’re coming.”
She tipped her soda can toward him. “When did you get so pushy?”
He chuckled. “Rae, I’ve always been pushy, you just like me too much to care.”
Rae sighed. She had thought about the problem at length. She did want to go…. “I’ll call Jack tomorrow and see if he’s free.” Jack had been her and Leo’s first backer in the business, and as an experienced stockbroker, she trusted him to keep the accounts stable while she was away from the office.
“He is. I already called him.”
Rae chuckled. “I should have never given you that power of attorney.” It had made sense at Leo’s death to have another partner officially on the books in case something happened to her. Dave had been the natural choice.
“I’m your biggest backer, not to mention one of your more wealthy clients. You have to listen to me,” Dave replied with a grin.
She thumped him with a pillow. “I think it’s time I get some new friends,” she remarked and had to duck when a pillow came back at her.
“The doctor said fresh air and rest?”
“That’s taking a little liberty with his prescription, but yes, that’s essentially it. That, and some medication that is making the pharmacist rich.” James was sitting at the dining room table at his sister’s house, his chair turned and his legs stretched out before him, watching her finish clipping pictures for the Sunday school class she taught. He had managed to sleep until ten and for once had awoke with some energy and only moderate pain. Either the medicine or the downtime were helping. He had eaten lunch with Mom, then come over to see Patricia and the kids.
“Then camping fits the bill. Come with us.”
“Patricia, it hardly seems right to invite myself along on your vacation.”
“Nonsense. The cabin can easily sleep ten, and we had planned the food assuming Paul was going to be able to come. Since he can’t, you might as well take his place.” His sister nodded toward the window. “The kids would relish having you around for an entire week.”
James motioned his coffee cup toward the kids. “Last night you were worried about them wearing me out,” he replied with a twinkle in his eyes.
Patricia grinned. “That was before I knew Paul was flying to Dallas. You’re new, male and a relative. They will listen to you. I’m just Mom.”
He laughed. “Ahh. Kid patrol. I get it.”
“Seriously, you wouldn’t have to do anything but sleep in, eat wonderful food and watch a bobber. It would do you good.”
“What are the odds there are bugs that bite?” he asked, smiling. He had already made the decision to go, he just liked making his sister work for it.
“I will personally tell even the mosquitoes to leave you alone,” she promised.
He set down his coffee cup and absently rubbed his aching wrist. “What do I need to pack?”
“Yes!” Her eyes danced with delight and he laughed.
“The days are comfortable but the nights can be a little chilly since we are beside the lake. I would bring whatever you want to read, the selection there is eclectic and quite old.”
Now he had reason to laugh. “You just described a weekend on a building site, Patricia.”
His sister grinned. “Then it will feel like home.”
Chapter Three
“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”
Dave tossed her suitcase in the trunk.
“A vacation will do you good,” he replied, reaching over to drop a college cap he had snagged from his bag onto her head. “Lighten up. You’re officially on seven days of R and R. Besides, it’s Memorial Day Weekend.”
She wrinkled her nose at him and adjusted the cap. “Dave, my idea of a camping trip is slightly different than yours. I suppose you brought that jazz CD for the trip again, didn’t you?”
“It’s tradition.”
“You don’t like jazz. You just don’t have the heart to tell Lace that.”
He blushed slightly. “It was a birthday gift. One that I appreciate,” he stressed.
Rae grinned. “Why don’t you just ask her out and end her misery?”
“And ruin a great friendship?” He rolled his eyes. “Please, you’ve got to be kidding.”
She pushed him aside to rearrange the bags he had crammed in the trunk. “You’re just gun-shy about making a commitment. It’s past time you got married, you know.”
“Don’t start acting like my mother, Rae. I’ve got a life I enjoy. The marriage bit can wait.”
“You wait too much longer, friend, and she’s going to find someone else,” Rae replied. She gestured to the walk. “Bring me that black bag next.”
He picked it up and the smaller one beside it, giving her a dirty look. “A few books you said? You’re taking your entire library.”
“I told you my idea of a vacation was different than yours. I plan to sleep, read and do some writing.”
“No fishing?”
She took the smaller bag from him. “I might drown a worm if you promise nothing will bite it.”
She reached for the other bag, but he held it back.
“This feels like a computer….”
She put her hands on her hips and grinned at him. “Don’t push it, David, you’ll lose the argument.”
He handed it over. “Am I going to get nagged into finding you a copy of the Wall Street Journal every morning?”
“I’ll read it on-line,” she replied, slipping the laptop into a cushioned spot between her jacket and his. “Okay, let’s pick up Lace.”
“Mind if I relegate you to the back seat for the trip?”
Rae grinned. “I thought you said you weren’t interested?”
“You’re just going to stick your nose into a book. Lace likes my jokes.”
Rae laughed. “There are some she likes just about as much as you like jazz.”
“She laughs.”
“She’s got a sweet heart. And if you break it, I’m going to make your life miserable,” Rae replied.
“Rae?”
The question nudged her away from her research. “Hmm?”
“We’re going to stop at the welcome station and get new state maps. You want us to bring you a box of their free popcorn?”
Rae shifted the pen she had clutched between her teeth. “Sure. While you’re there, check and see if they have new maps of the lake. They were planning to update them to show the new trails.”
“Okay.”
It was almost four in the afternoon. Lace and Dave had been chatting for most of the drive. Rae had lost track of the conversation a couple of hours ago.
She stretched her back and considered putting her research notes and books back in order. The cabin was about thirty minutes away now. A glance at the spine of the book showed she had
more than a hundred pages still to read in this latest medical textbook.
She should have become a doctor.
Yawning, she slipped her page marker into the book and closed it, reached over and slipped it back into her briefcase.
The actual manuscript she was working on was in her suitcase, the three hundred pages too hefty for her briefcase. Writing was her one persistent hobby. Crafts, sewing, watercolors had come and gone over the years; she always came back to her writing. She was getting better. Lace and Dave both liked this story. Leo had liked it so much he’d tried to convince her to cut back her hours at the office so she could finish it.
She wanted to finish the novel and write a dedication page to Leo. She thought it might be a way to help her say goodbye.
She smiled. She wouldn’t mind seeing her name on the spine of a published book, either. For all this effort, there should be some payback.
She felt lighter in spirit than she had in the last year. They were right. The vacation was going to do her some good. She was looking forward to days not driven by the markets, a chance to read for pleasure, the freedom to sleep in, the right to be lazy.
The edge to the grief was beginning to temper. The sadness was still there, heavy, and so large it threatened to swamp her, but the pain was less. She had prepared for the vacation. She knew it was going to be hard, not having Leo with them, not having him there for the game, or messing up the kitchen with his creations, or dragging her hiking.
It was going to be okay.
She should have picked up working on the book months ago. It was good, and when she worked on it, she felt better than she had in a long time.
She was determined to smile, laugh, and do her best to have a good time.
“Emily is asleep.”
James glanced in the rearview mirror to see his niece collapsed against the bright yellow Big Bird pillow she had brought with her. He smiled at his nephew Tom, sitting in the front passenger seat. “It was only a matter of time. Your mom was asleep hours ago.”
“She was up late with Dad,” Tom replied. “They’ve been talking about having another baby.”
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