James rubbed his aching wrist. “Same old, same old. Another anti-inflammatory medication to try. They don’t have many suggestions.”
“I’m sorry, James.”
“I know.” He wished he could stay even slightly optimistic that the pain would fade like it had done before. “It’s the breaks.”
“How’s Rae?” Patricia asked softly.
James felt his face grow taut. “Angry. Hurt. About what I expected.”
“She’ll forgive you, James.”
James sighed, feeling so old. “Someday.”
The office was silent. Rae rubbed her burning eyes, trying to restore her concentration. She had added the numbers three times and come up with different answers each time. She had work to do. She couldn’t afford to be calling it a night at 9:00 p.m.
Her body had other plans. Wearily, she conceded the choice was no longer hers.
She closed the folders and added them to the stack at the side of her desk. Tomorrow morning. She could finish them then.
Her life was entirely this job. She had chosen to make it that. No use having a pity party over her own choices.
Her car was in the first spot in the parking lot, since she was normally one of the first people to arrive at the building in the morning. Tonight, her car was also one of only three cars left in the parking lot. She got in, tossed her briefcase and purse onto the passenger seat, flipped on her car lights.
Her body reminded her that she had not eaten since ten that morning, and she wearily gave in to the insistent demand. There wasn’t much at home. She needed milk. Some ice cream wouldn’t be bad, either.
Traffic was sparse.
Rae drove home, trying to pull her mind off work and think about her book, what she would write that night. Some nights it was only a page or two, but it was better to be working than to be thinking about James.
She wasn’t angry at him anymore. She knew how hard the decision had to have been for him to make. She didn’t necessarily want to see him again, either. Lace was upset with her because she had canceled joining them tonight. She didn’t want to see James, didn’t want to feel the hurt, didn’t want to be reminded of what she wouldn’t have. Marriage. Children.
At first, the hope had been strong that he would recover and change his mind. As the weeks were passing and reports from Lace and Dave were of no change, her hope had dwindled. She was down to Psalm 37, verse 30. God was her refuge in time of trouble. The verse fit; it helped. She had never needed a place of refuge more deeply than she did now.
“Is Rae coming?” Dave asked.
“She pleaded work when I called,” Lace replied.
Dave’s mouth tightened. “This is getting ridiculous. She takes on new clients and refuses to hire more help.”
James, seated on the couch, knew what Rae was doing but also felt a need to defend her. “She’ll eventually pull back again, Dave. She’s hurt and work is her first defense.”
Dave sighed. “Any suggestions?”
“No. I wish had one. Would you stop by her office, offer to take her to dinner? Lace says she’s losing weight again.”
“I’ll do that. Why don’t you two just get back together?”
James shifted the cane he was now forced to use all the time. “She doesn’t need another burden, Dave.”
“Really? Was that her decision or yours?”
Rae chose the corner store near her home to pick up milk, was disappointed with the ice cream options and ended up choosing plain vanilla.
A light freezing drizzle had begun to fall. Rae shivered as she slipped back inside the car, was grateful for the warmth. She pulled to the corner and waited for the red light to turn.
Her car was hit in the driver’s door as she pulled out with a green light.
When Lace returned to the living room after answering the phone, her face was white. James felt himself bracing even before he heard her words.
“Rae’s been in an accident.”
Chapter Thirteen
It was an indication of how badly Rae was hurt that there were two surgeons who joined them in the waiting room, both men still in surgical greens.
James watched them from his seat, his hands tightly held together, his elbows braced on his knees. He leaned forward, searching their faces for the truth. He looked at them and knew it was going to be bad.
Fear gripped his body as he read the news in the men’s faces.
Dave wrapped his arm around Lace’s shoulders.
“The worst injury is a fracture in the back of her neck, just above the fourth vertebra. She’s in very critical condition. We’ve got her stabilized, but it’s going to be a long night. As the swelling around her spine goes down, we’ll know how much movement and sensation she’ll get back. When she was brought into the emergency room, she had no sensation or movement of any kind below her neck and she was having severe trouble breathing.”
“She’s going to live?” Dave demanded.
The doctor hesitated.
“She’s also got broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a dislocated shoulder. She’s started to run a temperature. None of those injuries is life threatening, but the shock is a problem. We will know a lot more in twenty-four hours.”
“She’ll be out of recovery and moved to ICU in another hour,” the other surgeon said. “We’ll take it day by day. Don’t assume the worst or the best. Reality is likely going to lie somewhere between the two.”
The intensive care unit had a waiting room with couches as well as chairs, a coffee stand in the corner of the room. Dave paced, and Lace used the phone, calling friends to let them know what had happened. James sat on the couch fighting the pain and fighting the panic.
She had to be okay. She just had to be.
Rae had worked herself to the point of exhaustion, having been at the office by 5:00 a.m., not leaving until 9:00 p.m. She had stopped to buy a gallon of milk at the store on the way home. The accident had happened at a busy intersection less than four blocks from her house, her car hit on the driver’s side by another vehicle. No one was quite sure what had caused the accident.
James felt like it was his fault.
She was paralyzed, she had broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a dislocated shoulder. It should have been him, not her.
His mom, Patricia, Kevin, all came to join the silent vigil. Patricia came over and hugged him. It hurt his ribs and helped his heart.
“She’ll be okay, James.”
James nodded, wishing he could share his sister’s optimism.
It was almost two hours before Rae was moved to the ICU and they had the first chance to see her, only five minutes each hour, only one of them at a time. James didn’t ask to be the first. He wanted to, but the situation was complex at best, for he carried the guilt of knowing his actions had contributed to her fatigue. Lace and Dave looked at each other and took pity on him, sending him with the nurse.
James stepped into the quiet room, afraid of the worst. Rae was in a steel brace to keep her neck still, a respirator breathing for her. They hadn’t mentioned how badly her face had been bruised.
“Hey, lady,” he whispered softly, fighting the tears.
He eased her lax hand into his, very gently stroked her hair. “I hear you’re having a rough night, so I came to keep you company,” he said softly. “Lace and Dave are here to see you, too.”
He kept stroking her hair, talking softly, fighting the tears that wanted to fall. She was a mess.
He didn’t care.
He didn’t care if she could walk or move. He loved her. He didn’t care what stuff she could no longer do.
He realized in that instant what she had meant when she said she didn’t care how much energy he had. Love really did make the limitations irrelevant.
A few of the tears slipped across his smile. “Rae, I love you. Everything is going to be all right. Just keep fighting, okay?”
He tenderly brushed back the hair from her forehead, uncovering yet another ugly bruise. He tried to stop
the smile that refused to be contained; it was smile or cry. “Honey, you really did do a good job this time. I don’t think black and blue are your best colors,” he quipped gently. “Can you open your eyes for me?”
It took her a few moments, but her eyelashes fluttered open.
He tightened his hold on her hand but realized with a sinking tightness in his chest that she could not feel it.
He touched her cheek. She could not speak with the respirator, but he could see the emotion in her eyes; the fear, the pain, the confusion. “You’re going to be all right, honey. I love you and everything is going to be okay,” he said softly.
Her face stiffened at the respirator and he carefully soothed out the tension. “Don’t fight it, honey, your body just needs time to heal. Let it.”
Slowly he saw her relax.
“That’s better. Lace and Dave are here, too. We’re going to keep you company tonight.”
Her eyes blinked. They suddenly welled with tears and he shifted, ignoring the burning pain in his back, reaching forward with both hands to gently touch her bruised cheeks, wipe away the tears, careful to avoid the bandage on her neck. “You’re going to be okay, Rae. Please, don’t cry. I know it’s scary, but we’re here, we’re not going to leave you.”
The panic in her eyes…It scared him, because she was so desperately frightened. She had realized she couldn’t move. “Rae, you’ve got a small fracture just above the fourth vertebra in your neck. It’s the swelling that is causing the paralysis.”
Her eyes went dark.
“It’s temporary, Rae. The swelling will go down. All your injuries will heal.”
He held her face, held her eyes with his, until she accepted the hope he offered, until she finally released the panic and trusted him. She blinked and he very gently wiped away the tears.
“Try to sleep, Rae. I promise, we’ll be here through the night. I love you.”
Her eyes drifted closed, the tears still slowly trickling down her face.
Dawn came slowly, tingeing the sky with a brush of pink. James eased the coffeepot back onto the warmer plate. One of the hospital volunteers had brought in muffins and bagels. James looked at the platter. He should eat, but there was no way he could.
He carried the coffee cup with him back to the couch.
Lace was asleep.
It had been a difficult night, the waiting, the lack of news. Rae was getting worse, that was apparent. Each visit saw the temperature higher, her eyes more clouded, the distress more apparent.
He was afraid. Afraid like he had never been before in his life.
The doctors were coming in more often—a bad sign.
“Did you reach Jack?” James asked as Dave came back into the waiting room.
“Yes. The business is taken care of, at least for the next few days.”
Dave looked as burned out as James felt. A night without sleep was taking its toll. He had sent his mom and sister home shortly after 1:00 a.m., asked Kevin to drive them. Patricia especially needed to sleep.
James looked at the clock. Another ten minutes before they could see Rae again.
Dave went in to see her first, they had been rotating each hour. James could see the distress on his face when he returned. He was obviously shaken.
“James, she’s not doing well. I’m going to wake up Lace.”
James’s hand involuntarily clenched around the cane his weight rested on. Waking up Lace…He moved through the doorway to the ICU, needing desperately to see Rae.
He knew. As soon as he saw her, he knew.
The nurse with her finished her task, touched his arm. “Talk to her. It will help,” she said softly.
Her temperature had shot up.
She no longer opened her eyes. It wasn’t because she was sleeping.
He stroked her cheek, feeling the heat radiating off her body. They were using ice to try to give her some relief.
“Rae, I know it has got to be so hard right now, to breathe, to want to fight. Rae, you need to fight. Don’t let this injury win.”
What did she have to fight for? A job that wore her out? A man who had walked away from her, not understanding the truth?
“Rae, I love you. Please, fight off this shock. I know you can do it.”
She looked so fragile, so broken.
He was afraid that it was not only her body that was broken, but also her spirit.
James napped awkwardly in a chair throughout the morning, catching ten minutes here, twenty minutes there, enough to keep him going.
He had aged ten years in one night.
There was no improvement in her condition.
The hardest thing to accept was the fact that Rae was holding on only by a thread.
There was a flutter developing in her heart rate, a wandering missing beat. James had seen it occur, watching the monitors, and the sight of that momentary flat line had been horrifying.
Her temperature was holding at 103 degrees.
God, I’ve been trying to pray for the last several hours and I simply don’t have the words. My heart is breaking. She’s so badly hurt. Don’t take her away God. Give me another chance. Please.
He came awake with a start, someone lightly shaking his shoulder.
It was Lace.
“Sorry, James, but I thought you would want to see her.”
Through the exhaustion, James saw the smile. “She’s awake.”
The smile widened as Lace nodded. “She’s awake. The fever is down to a hundred and one.”
James struggled to get up. His body rebelled at the movement, threatening to send him crashing to floor. Lace steadied him.
“Thanks,” he said, grateful for the help.
“Go see her. She’s still got that look of panic in her eyes. I don’t think she remembers much of what’s been going on around her.”
He entered her room and walked to the side of her bed. “Hey, lady. How are you doing?”
He moved into her line of sight and saw the tension in her face start to relax.
“I’m glad to see you awake,” he whispered, gently stroking her cheek. She was still flushed, her body hot, but not as dangerous as it had been an hour ago.
With the paralysis and the brace holding her head, she had no movement of any kind. The respirator breathed for her, steady, constant, no variation. He could see the fear in her eyes, and the pain.
“Do you remember me saying I love you?”
Her eyes looked troubled. She had not remembered.
He smiled softly. “I love you, Rae.” He brushed the hair back from her forehead, leaned forward to gently kiss her. “Keep fighting to heal. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know what you meant about pain being a malicious enemy.” Her lips were white with the agony of having the dressing of the burn on her neck changed.
They had removed the respirator that morning.
James tightened his hold on her hand, wishing she could feel it. He carefully wiped away the tears on her face. “Hang in there, the pain will ease off.”
She couldn’t feel ninety percent of her body and where did she get burned? Someplace she could feel. He hated the maliciousness of this accident.
She had slept most of the day.
He had tried to rest, trading places with Lace and Dave regularly, but it had not happened. His own body ached. He didn’t care. He wasn’t leaving.
“They said seventy-two hours?”
“Rae, you’ve got a long way to go before the swelling comes down and you know something definite. Don’t borrow trouble.”
“It’s been almost three days, James.”
“And the scans this morning showed little reduction in the swelling. Wait it out.”
She tried to laugh. “I wasn’t praying for patience.”
He gently wiped the tears away from her eyes. She had cried more in the last three days than he had seen her do in their entire relationship. She had cause. He eased forward to kiss her forehead, wishing so hard for God to answer hi
s prayer. “I know it’s hard,” he whispered. “You can make it.”
“Tell me again.”
“I love you. I’m always going to love you.”
She was biting her bottom lip. He gently stopped her. “What do you need to ask?” He hated the pain he saw in her eyes, the uncertainty.
“Even if there is no change?” she whispered.
She had risked her heart to ask that question. James felt a tear slide down his own cheek. His finger rubbed her chin. “Even if there is no change.”
Chapter Fourteen
They put the Christmas tree on the table where she could see it. It had been the nurse’s suggestion—something for Rae to look at as she fought to keep her spirits up. It was porcelain, the lights blinking different colors.
Four days, and no change.
Rae was desperately afraid. They all were.
Christmas Eve last night had been a time to pray for her and hope for the best.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything,” Rae said, breaking the tension and making the group of them laugh.
“You always were a Christmas Eve shopper,” Lace replied. “Would you like me to be your hands?” she offered softly. They had brought in Rae’s stocking. It was filled with little gifts. Most of them made her laugh, for they had been bought with that in mind.
The little white dog like Justin with a red heart for a tag made her cry.
“We couldn’t smuggle in the puppy, so we had to improvise,” James told her, brushing away the tears.
“It’s very nice. Thank you,” she whispered, choking on the words. “How is he?”
“Staying with Emily and Tom. Missing you.”
“She moved her toes!”
James felt his heart lurch as Lace stopped in front of him. He was sitting in the ICU waiting room, weary beyond belief, fighting the grief, trying to pray. He looked at Lace and it took a moment for her words and grin to sink in. “She moved.”
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