The Cattleman, The Baby and Me

by Michelle Douglas

  She cuddled Harry close. ‘Don’t you worry, Harry. I’m not going to let that happen.’

  CHAPTER SIX

  SAPPHIE spooned a forkful of lamb stew into her mouth, chewed and swallowed, but she didn’t really taste it. She glanced at Liam. He seemed to be enjoying it with all the gusto she lacked.

  Watching him eat—watching the way his mouth closed around his fork, watching the way his nostrils flared as he relished the steam that rose into his face—tightened her stomach.

  She put her fork down.

  She picked her fork up.

  Harry’s uncle. That was what Liam was. That was how she had to think of him. And she needed Liam to bond with Harry—fast. The thought of Harry having to go through this process again with total strangers made her stomach rebel. But Liam wouldn’t bond with Harry, not properly, if he refused to enter the nursery.

  What if they changed the location of the nursery?

  That wouldn’t get to the root of the problem, though, would it? Liam had to confront his demons, not ignore them.

  She speared a piece of carrot, swirled it through the gravy of the stew. She had to get him to confront those demons.

  Nerves scythed through her. She dropped her fork to seize her glass of water.

  Liam glanced up, gestured to his plate. ‘This is really good.’

  He looked surprised, as if he hadn’t thought cooking would make it onto the list of her vast array of talents. For a moment she almost smiled. Then she thought he probably didn’t even think she had a vast array of talents and her smile died before it had fully formed.

  ‘It’s Dana’s recipe. My mum. She taught me to cook.’

  ‘You call your mother Dana?’

  ‘Called,’ she corrected. ‘Past tense. She died when I was eighteen.’

  His eyes darkened. ‘Sapphie, I’m sorry.’

  She shrugged.

  ‘Dana is what she preferred.’ She picked up her fork again. ‘Dana was a free spirit, a bit of a gypsy—we never stayed in one place for very long—and she was also a hippy. Hence our names.’

  ‘Sapphire and Emerald,’ he murmured. From his lips, their names sounded precious and wonderful.

  ‘She called us her jewels.’ Sapphie smiled at the memory. ‘Emmy is very like her—inherited her wanderlust.’ While all Sapphie had wanted was to settle down and grow some roots.

  Liam sat back. ‘Travelling around like that, it’s no life for a child.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. As long as a child knows it’s loved, I think all the rest is just window-dressing.’

  ‘Do you really believe that?’

  She thought back to her childhood, remembered how she’d yearned for the stability of a bricks and mortar house—of knowing what town she’d wake up in the next morning, what school she’d be expected to attend. But to agree with Liam seemed disloyal to her mother somehow, so she shrugged and said, ‘Sure.’

  Liam didn’t say anything for a long moment. ‘Sapphie, can I ask you a question?’

  The intent in his eyes made her throat dry. She seized her glass of water again, drank long and hard, then nodded. ‘Sure.’

  ‘I see you with Harry, and I see how much you’ve come to love him in a very short space of time.’

  She wanted to tell him he could love Harry just as well, just as easily and quickly, if only he’d take the chance. ‘What’s not to love? He’s a baby, he’s beautiful, and he’s just so…lovable!’

  ‘When I see you with Harry, I see how much you would love to raise him as your own.’

  His words cut at her with scalpel-like precision. Her hand shook. ‘I’ve already told you that’s impossible.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Emmy would never agree to it.

  Emmy would be right!

  It hit her then. Some time in the not too distant future she would have to give Harry up.

  Fear gripped her. ‘Liam, if we all—you, me and Emmy—decide that you’re the best person to raise Harry, you will let me see him sometimes, won’t you?’

  He reached out and grabbed her hand, knocking over his glass of water as he did so. Neither one of them moved to right it or to mop up the mess.

  ‘If I adopt him you can see Harry whenever you want. You can visit Newarra any time you like. Harry can have holidays with you in Perth. Sapphie, you and Harry love each other. You’re important to each other. You are going to continue to be important to each other for the rest of your lives. I would never do anything to destroy that.’

  Her eyes started to burn. ‘Thank you.’ She didn’t deserve even that much, but she’d take it.

  He let go of her hand, eased back. ‘So…you wouldn’t adopt Harry even if Emmy asked you to?’

  If she told him the truth perhaps he’d stop tormenting her with impossible dreams. She reached out, righted the glass he’d knocked over. If she told him the truth perhaps he’d stop worrying that she, or fate, would snatch Harry away from him. Maybe then he’d find the strength to believe in Harry…love him.

  ‘Emmy won’t want me to adopt Harry, Liam. She’d never agree to it.’ She knew that with her entire being.

  A frown appeared in his eyes. ‘Why not? You’re great with him. She has to see that.’

  For a moment it hurt too much even to look at him. She stared down at her plate of stew, and when she was sure she wouldn’t cry she lifted her chin. ‘I was eighteen when Dana died, but Emmy was only twelve. I was granted guardianship of her. I mean, there was no one else, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be separated from her.’

  ‘It must’ve been hard.’

  She shrugged. ‘The neighbours were good to us, and a friend of Dana’s helped out a lot.’

  He paused. He set his fork by his plate. ‘If you raised Emmy, why on earth wouldn’t she want you to raise Harry too?’

  Couldn’t he see?

  ‘Because I did such a bad job of it!’

  She hadn’t meant to snap. His jaw dropped. Her cheeks burned and her stomach rolled. She glanced down at her plate and tried to soften her tone.

  ‘After Dana died we settled in Perth.’ It was where Dana had spent the last weeks of her life, before the cancer had claimed her. ‘I thought it would be best if Emmy had a regular school and…’

  She pushed the hair off her face with both hands. ‘I had to work two jobs just to meet the rent. There was never much money for treats, and I worked long hours. I didn’t realise then, but not only had Emmy lost her mother she’d lost the way of life she’d loved too.’

  It was just that Sapphie hadn’t been able to live, not knowing where their next meal was coming from. She’d just wanted to give Emmy a home.

  He leant towards her. ‘You were young. You took care of her, loved her. You did your best.’

  ‘I did what was best for me, not what was best for Emmy.’ That’s why Emmy would never give her custody of Harry. Why she’d be right not to.

  Liam’s eyes suddenly narrowed, as if he sensed there was more. ‘What happened, Sapphie?’

  Was she such an open book? She closed her eyes briefly. Full disclosure.

  She opened her eyes and stared at her hands. ‘A few days after her sixteenth birthday, Emmy ran away.’

  ‘And?’ he prompted.

  ‘And nothing.’ She glanced up. ‘I searched everywhere for her. I lodged a missing person’s report with the police. And until the money ran out I hired a private detective to try and find her. I never did.’

  He went very still. ‘When did you next see her?’

  Her mouth went dry. ‘Tuesday, when she handed me Harry and asked me to find his father. It seems I’ve failed at that too.’

  Liam pushed his plate away. She could see how bad he felt for her. ‘It’s all in the past, Liam. I can’t change it now. All I can do is try and work out what’s best for Harry.’

  He gave a heavy nod.

  She pulled in a breath. ‘Can I ask you a question now?’

  He went as still as
she had when he’d asked that self-same question. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I…umm…’ She moistened her lips. ‘Well, obviously I know you were married, because you told me you were divorced.’

  His eyes suddenly blazed. ‘Yes. So?’

  ‘Did you and your wife have children together? Does Harry have—?’

  ‘No.’ His face closed up. He didn’t add anything else.

  ‘Yet you wanted children?’

  ‘Yes.’

  It was almost a snarl. Sapphie backed off. She picked up her fork and pointed to their food, biting back her questions. ‘Eat up while it’s still warm. I doubt cold stew is any more appetising than cold steak.’

  They ate in silence. Not a comfortable silence either. It occurred to her that she rarely felt comfortable in his presence. Not threatened, just not comfortable. He was too big, too male. He drew too much of her attention. And since she’d acknowledged to herself that it was desire and curiosity that he aroused in her, not fear, she didn’t quite know what to do. She had defences in place for fear, but not for this…longing.

  ‘Okay, out with it!’ He slammed his knife and fork to his plate. ‘Just say whatever is on your mind and get it over with.’

  Tell him she couldn’t look at him without wanting to reach out and test the texture of his skin? The firmness of his flesh? Tell him she couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to kiss him? Tell him her body had suddenly come alive out here in the isolation of the Kimberley when it had been happy hibernating for the last seven years?

  Not in this lifetime!

  Her usual breeziness, her defence against the world, deserted her. ‘Nothing is on my mind!’

  ‘You want to know why my marriage failed?’

  She stared at him, and then she shook her head. ‘No, Liam, I want to know why you won’t go into the nursery. I want to know why you haven’t been down that end of the house in five years.’

  On either side of his plate his hands clenched. He didn’t speak. She wasn’t sure if he was actually capable of speech at the moment.

  She ploughed on. She didn’t want to, but for Harry’s sake she had to. ‘I just told you about one of the worst episodes in my life. I told you because I think you deserve to know why I can’t raise Harry. I need to be honest with you about that. I need to be honest with myself. For Harry’s sake. You have to be just as honest—if not with me, then at least with yourself.’

  ‘Or what?’ he burst out. ‘You’ll take Harry away? I’m his last option!’

  ‘No, you’re not.’ She struggled to keep her voice even. ‘There are a lot of couples out there who pray on a daily basis for a child like Harry.’

  He paled. ‘You’d rather give him to strangers?’

  ‘I’d rather give him to someone I know will love and cherish him!’

  They stared at each other, both breathing hard. ‘You still don’t believe I’ll love him,’ Liam finally said.

  She forced herself to speak the truth as she saw it. ‘At the moment, it seems to me he’s a duty you need to perform in memory of your brother, to expiate this imagined guilt of yours.’ She paused. ‘You haven’t seemed particularly overjoyed to discover you have a nephew.’

  ‘Look, I’m not a particularly over-joyful kind of guy, all right?’

  She could see that about him. It made her sad.

  ‘You haven’t gone out of your way to make friends with him either.’ That had all been down to her. ‘At times you even seem scared of him.’

  ‘I bought him Moo-Moo! I fed him this evening, didn’t I?’

  And he had sung. She couldn’t forget that. She clung to it like a talisman.

  Neither one of them spoke for a moment.

  ‘Liam, you have to love a child with all of yourself. You can’t hold back. That’s not how it works.’

  ‘How does it work, then?’ he shot at her.

  ‘I don’t know. But I do know that Harry doesn’t deserve a half-hearted commitment. He’s a baby. He’s innocent. He deserves the best of everything.’

  Liam stared at her. His knuckles turned white. ‘That nursery,’ he growled. ‘It reminds me of the dreams I had as a younger man. Dreams I’ve long since given up on.’

  Her heart burned for him.

  ‘It reminds me of all the ways I’ve failed.’ He dragged a hand down his face, his fingers no longer clenched. ‘But you’re right. None of that is Harry’s fault. He doesn’t deserve to pay for my mistakes.’

  ‘Oh, Liam…’ To have had so much optimism and hope, and now to have none. ‘What happened?’

  For a long moment he didn’t speak. If he didn’t want to talk about it, she wouldn’t push. She didn’t have the heart for that. Not now.

  ‘When Belinda and I married, I felt like we were on top of the world.’ He gave a harsh laugh. ‘The arrogance of youth, huh? But we were young, fit and healthy—in our prime. It felt like we had the whole world at our feet.’ He was quiet again for a moment. ‘We met at the biggest race meeting in the Kimberley calendar. She was visiting relatives. We hit it off straight away.’

  Belinda—such a pretty, innocuous name. But one glance into his face told her whatever Belinda had done to him it hadn’t been pretty or innocuous. ‘So, a whirlwind courtship, then?’

  His lips twisted. ‘Marry in haste…’

  Repent at leisure—the words throbbed in the silence between them.

  ‘I was twenty-four, she was twenty-five. We wanted to start a family straight away. We weren’t too concerned when it didn’t happen in the first year. But after five years…’

  Her breath caught. ‘Oh, Liam, I’m sorry.’ She knew from all Anna and Jared had gone through how hard that could be.

  ‘The doctors couldn’t find any reason for it. Belinda became angry, withdrawn…bitter. She started spending less time at Newarra and more time at our unit in Perth.’

  His shoulders slumped. ‘I did everything I could think of to try and reassure her—but it seemed nothing was good enough. I wasn’t good enough. In the end family and friends advised me to give her some time and space. There didn’t seem to be anything else to do, so I threw myself into work.’

  His eyes had gone dark. She wanted to reach out and touch his hand, only she didn’t think he’d welcome the comfort.

  ‘And then one day she came home. It’d been five months since I’d clapped eyes on her, but she seemed calmer, more at peace. She told me she was sorry.’ He paused. ‘She told me she still loved me, and I believed her.’

  Sapphie had to close her eyes at the bitterness that laced those words. ‘What happened?’

  ‘She fell pregnant. Just like that. It seemed too good to be true—a miracle.’ He speared her with those blue eyes of his. ‘It was too good to be true. Can you see where I’m going with this, Sapphie?’

  ‘The baby…it wasn’t yours?’ she whispered.

  ‘A fact that became all too apparent when the real father showed up at the hospital. He read the birth announcement in the paper and did the math.’

  Sapphie pressed a hand to her chest. ‘Oh, Liam!’

  ‘We had paternity tests done that confirmed the child wasn’t mine.’

  ‘But she returned to you. She wanted to be with you. That must’ve counted for something.’

  He sat back, his mouth twisting. ‘It turned out that all Belinda had ever really wanted was my money, and the status the Stapleton family would give her. She’d thought that by providing me with an heir it would guarantee her right to the first and her place in the second. By the time she’d worked out how wrong she was it was too late.’

  Sapphie’s heart burned. Her throat burned. She could tell by his clenched fists, closed face, the darkness in his eyes, how much Belinda’s betrayal had torn him apart, how much it had disillusioned him. Belinda had betrayed him in every way possible.

  ‘But I’d learned my lesson.’

  Her heart stuttered in her chest. ‘What lesson is that?’

  ‘That I will never remarry. Lachlan and
Lacey’s children can continue the family name…and now Lucas’s child.’

  He reached across and covered her hand with his own. ‘But you’re right, Sapphie. None of this is Harry’s fault, and he doesn’t deserve to pay for it.’

  She swallowed and nodded, aware of the calluses that lined his fingers, how rough they felt against her skin…and how exciting.

  ‘I want you to know that I have heard what you’ve been trying to say.’

  ‘Okay,’ she whispered.

  He searched her face, and then in one abrupt movement he pushed away from the table—away from her. ‘It’s been a long day. I’m off to bed. Goodnight.’

  She did her best to not notice his lean hips, the latent power in his long legs as he strode from the room. She tried to erase from her mind the memory of his body’s hard strength when he’d helped her hobble to the steps yesterday. She curled her hand—the one he’d covered with his own—inside her other hand and held it to her chest.

  There was no future for her and Liam—none at all. But there might just be one for Harry and Liam. She had to focus all her energies on that.

  Liam and Harry. It could work.

  A man who’d wanted children so badly, who’d tried so hard to have them…

  She recalled the look in his eye, and fear suddenly prickled across her skin. If Liam ever found out about her, about the abortion she’d had when she was eighteen, he’d do everything in his power to prevent her from ever clapping eyes on Harry again.

  She tried to swallow back her fear. Told herself to stop being silly. She hadn’t told a single soul about that abortion. The only way Liam would find out would be if she told him herself. And that was about as likely as either one of them sprouting feathers and learning to fly.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  SAPPHIE didn’t see much of Liam the next day. Oh, he helped feed Harry at mealtimes, but he disappeared immediately afterwards. He didn’t volunteer to help settle Harry for the night. He didn’t enter the nursery.