by Eugene, Lisa
I sighed and plopped a piece of grilled chicken into my mouth. We’d just seen the apartment in the brownstone and I loved it. I should be thrilled that I’d finally found a place of my own. The only thing left was to secure it with a deposit, but my mind was elsewhere.
“You know, I keep replaying what happened at Josh’s apartment in my head,” I said, and Michelle quirked a brow. “I didn’t actually catch them doing anything, but the immediate impression I got from walking in on them was that they’d done something. Carol looked as guilty as hell. I can’t explain it. It’s like when you come across a scene of a car accident and you didn’t actually see the accident, but from the clues you can guess what happened.”
“Josh and Carol have a long history. She’s always been a sore spot between you two.”
“I know. I thought it was over between them.”
“You know how I feel about that asshole, but I’m not the one marrying him. Have you made a decision?”
I nodded, feeling the chicken stick in my throat. “I can’t go through with it. I’ll always wonder if he cheated. I won’t be able to trust him.”
Michelle’s hand covered mine. “I know it’s a hard decision.”
“Yeah, I still care about him. And I think of all the trouble my parents and everyone else have gone through. Greg is coming from Italy. He rearranged his hospital schedule. My grandparents paid for our honeymoon. You bought your dress…”
“Kay! You are always worried about everyone else! Stop trying to please other people. It’s what makes you so kind, but also so vulnerable. Maybe you should think about what you want.”
I found I couldn’t hold my best friend’s gaze.
Michelle chuckled and winked. “Confession time. I never liked the dress anyway.”
My jaw dropped as I laughed. “What? You never told me!”
“Because it was your wedding. And that’s what best friends do who are maids-of-honor. We suck it up. It’s an unwritten agreement that the maid-of-honor and the bridesmaids have to wear the ugly dresses so that the bride looks even more beautiful on her wedding day.”
“That’s crazy!”
“No, really. You’re supposed to be surrounded by ugly. That way you shine.” Michelle took another bite of her sandwich and moaned. “When I get married, I’m gonna find the ugliest dress there is for my bridesmaids. I might even have padding added for the skinny bitches. Oh, and definitely the big ugly bow on the butt! Purple! What do you think of purple?”
“I look awful in purple.”
“Then purple it is!” Michelle exclaimed.
I dug my fork into my salad, suddenly feeling hungry. I laughed as I listened to Michelle recite more ridiculous rules of being a bridesmaid. I felt relieved that I’d finally made up my mind and had even convinced myself that my decision had nothing to do with Luke. Although, once I spoke with Josh, I planned on telling him about my decision. Just so he was informed. No other reason. Really. Really…Really!
*************************
Luke
A knock on the door came early, and annoyed, I popped one eye open. Morning light filtered in through the shades of my bedroom window and slashed across my face, irritating me further. Despite my better judgment, I’d gone out with Bruce and some friends last night. One drink had led to several, and all I remembered was droning on about what it was like to desperately want something you couldn’t have. My friends probably thought he was talking about Roslyn, but ironically, my mind had been on Katie the entire night. Roslyn still had a place in my heart, and I knew she always would, but that had been a different life with different hopes and dreams. Thinking about the loss was still painful, but if my experience with Katie taught me anything, it was that my broken heart was ready to heal, to move on, and to possibly love again.
Being with Katie was like finding a piece of myself that I’d lost, and then realizing that the piece might not belong to me after all. I’d known something had been missing, but now it was patently clear what it was.
The knocking became a pounding that echoed in my head. I waited, hoping my nanny would get the door, but I could hear her in Livy’s room getting her dressed. Livy was insisting on the purple tutu and making a convincing argument why she didn’t need to take a bath. I smiled, thinking I would have given in by now. I was a sucker sometimes when it came to her. I’d once allowed her to wear her favorite socks for a week, and it was only when I’d thought some animal had crawled into her shoes and died did I realize it had been a very bad idea. Livy, of course, had been oblivious to the stench and cried for an hour when I drowned Mr. and Mrs. Socky in the washer.
I tossed the covers off my legs, hopped into a pair of jeans and pulled a sweatshirt over my head.
“I’m coming! Who the hell is it so damn early?” I yelled, winding around furniture and marching through the living room. I yanked the door open and was surprised by the man I found there.
“Luke Davenport?”
I hesitated, my first instinct to not answer, but I heard myself respond in the affirmative.
“I’m Detective Carly,” the man said, flashing a badge. “May I come in?”
“Yeah.” My mind still trying to process the officer’s presence, he pulled the door wider, and the officer stepped in. The appearance of a second man streaked a rush of blind anger through me.
“This is my partner Detective Lawson,” Detective Carly said, moving toward me. “You are under arrest for the murder of Ms. Carmen Alexander.”
“What the fuck—!”
Before I could reckon what was happening, Detective Carly grabbed my arm.
“You have the right to remain silent…”
“Wait a minute! What the fuck is this all about?” I demanded, stepping back.
At that moment, I heard Livy coming into the room behind me. I turned my head at the sound of her voice, my heartbeat like thunder in my brain.
“Dada?” She stopped abruptly, alarm and confusion crinkling her tiny face as she took in the scene.
“Just give me a moment to speak to my daughter,” I said to Detective Carly, jerking my arm away.
“Dada!” Livy cried out. “What’s wrong, Dada? Who are these men?”
Detective Carly grabbed for me again, but I skirted away. At that moment, Detective Lawson tackled me, the force of his body slamming me into a wall.
Livy’s face collapsed with tears. The sight gutted me and my muscles bulged with fury.
“I’ll go with you, just let me explain to her!” I yelled, my cheek mashed against the hard plaster. I could easily overpower the detective. I was a much bigger man, but knew it would not be wise to do so.
Instead, I talked to Livy, tried to soothe my daughter as she sobbed hysterically. The sound tore a hole in my gut, shredding my voice as I tried to speak.
“It’s okay, princess. I’m fine. Go find Mrs. Rogers…”
Mrs. Rogers must have heard the commotion, because her shocked voice suddenly rang out behind me, growing louder as she entered the room.
“Get her out of here!” I yelled to her, but the officer was reading me my rights and Livy’s piercing cries filled my ears. I didn’t know if Mrs. Rogers could hear me. Cold handcuffs were snapped onto my wrists and Detective Lawson jerked my body around roughly.
Mrs. Rogers now had Livy’s wild, flailing body clutched to her.
“I want my dada! Daadaa! Daadaa!” Livy’s arms strained for me, her eyes drenched and her bottom lip pink and quivering. She screeched a plaintive wail that scraped deep into my bones as she was carried away.
Tears filled my eyes and I forced my gaze away from my daughter. It landed on Detective Lawson, who now sported a satisfied grin and I prayed for the strength not to smash his face in. I knew it was what the detective wanted.
*************************
Katie
I stepped through the door of my building and smiled at Ralph, the doorman. The building was active with visitors and residents making their way in and out. Ralph
closed the door, cutting off the cold wind that had followed me in, and I was grateful for the sudden warmth. I’d just spent the day Christmas shopping and was cold and exhausted. I couldn’t believe that Christmas was only one week away. At least I’d been able to find the gifts I wanted. My employees had all asked to get money this year instead of presents. I knew that most of them lived on a frugal budget, so I understood the request and planned to honor it, but that didn’t mean I still couldn’t give a few presents too. After all, it wasn’t Christmas without presents.
I thought of the scarf I’d purchased that would match Vicki’s eyes, and the doll I’d found for Marion’s daughter. I had overheard Marion talking about how her daughter wanted the United Dream Doll and how there was no way she could afford it. I loved the warm tickles I got inside just picturing Marion’s daughter face on Christmas morning when she opened her present.
Looking down at my shopping bag, I smiled at the thought of my other special purchase. I had plans to meet Josh this evening, and after that…well, maybe I’d play Santa Claus and make an early delivery. I’d been illusive on the phone with Josh. After everything we’d been through, I owed him an explanation in person.
“You have a visitor,” Ralph informed me, distracting me from my thoughts.
My brows wrinkled as I looked around the large lobby. Not recognizing anyone, I was about to question him when Carol stepped from behind a large pillar.
My breath stuck in my throat and my already cool skin dimpled with chills. Contempt raked down my back, leaving a caustic sting.
“Are you okay, ma’am?” Ralph inquired, noting my distress.
I nodded as Carol approached. The woman was wrapped in a plush designer coat. Long dark hair with wispy bangs framed her perfect, heart-shaped face. Her solemn expression surprised me, because I’d only ever seen the woman with a smug look on her face. The night at Josh’s apartment came rushing back in stunning focus, and I had to force out the breath that refused to leave my lungs.
What was this bitch doing here? She’d ruined my life and been a constant threat to my relationship with Josh. Was she here to serve up some bullshit? To tell me she and Josh were just friends, as she’d always alleged? Tell me that my assumptions of that night were all in my head?
Carol came to a stop in front of me, and for a moment the two of us stared, each silently assessing the other. Unbridled hatred sizzled between us, and each made no attempt to conceal it. I opened my mouth to speak when Carol’s words cut me off.
“You are right. I’m in love with Josh. We are more than friends.”
I felt as though I’d been slapped, but surprisingly, the sting was not as sharp as I’d expect. I rocked back on my heels and narrowed my eyes at the woman in front of me.
“Get the fuck out of my way,” I hissed low, taking a step past Carol.
“I need to talk to you.”
I laughed bitterly. “We have nothing to talk about.”
“Josh loves you.”
“Yeah, right!”
Carol shadowed my steps, and I turned, intending to ask the doorman to remove her. The expression on Carol’s face surprised me. Water filled the woman’s blue eyes, and she looked distraught.
“He doesn’t want me! He—he wants you!” she yelled, tears sliding down her cheeks.
I issued a slow breath and mumbled a curse. Carol was making a scene, and now people in the lobby were taking note of us. I nodded my head to indicate a quiet alcove in the corner, away from the traffic. Carol followed and took an unsteady seat on one of the couches.
“Please, just hear me out.”
I sighed and perched on the edge of a lounge chair opposite her. A voice in my head screamed for my to just get up and run, but an inkling of curiosity and maybe the nudge of guilt kept me in my seat.
“That evening at Josh’s apartment—I surprised him. I knew it had been his birthday and I wanted to—to see him. I spilled the wine on my dress on purpose. I thought if I could turn him on, he’d sleep with me.” She sighed heavily, sniffling into a napkin. “But he refused. He rejected me.”
I felt the muscles of my face tighten to pain. “I don’t believe you.”
Carol’s lips pulled angrily and she glared at me, pinning me with a loathsome expression. “Do you think this is easy for me? Coming here? I love Josh. I always have. I always will. We’re more than just friends. We’re soul mates. If I thought I had a chance with him, even as an occasional fuck, I wouldn’t be here! But he doesn’t want me. He wants you—and for the life of me I don’t see why!”
I had to brace myself. My fingers itched to scratch the other woman’s eyes out.
“Why are you here? Why are you telling me this?”
Guilt was making divots in my conscience. I was overwhelmed by a sudden wave of shame and remorse that sickened my stomach.
Oh God, what had I done?
“Because I heard from one of Josh’s friends that you broke off the wedding. Because Josh hates me for what I did to him. And even though it pains me to come here, I can’t have him blamed for something he didn’t do.”
Was Carol telling the truth? Had I been wrong? Was I about to throw away my three year relationship because I’d wrongly jumped to conclusions? And what about my sleeping with Luke? Was I the guilty party?
My gaze landed on my shopping bag and my stomach wretched miserably, swaying with a rebellious queasiness. I looked away, crushed between shame and guilt and overwhelmed with remorse. I stubbornly willed the tears back. There was no way I’d give Carol the satisfaction of seeing me fall apart. I was so confused. I was never one to linger at such an impasse. I could always look at facts and logically sort them. But this was my future, my life. Josh’s future and his life. And things were not that simple. This wasn’t just about me and my lust. I had a history with Josh. I’d made a commitment and I might have recklessly ruined everything.
My grandparents had been married for over fifty years, and always told me the reason for their successful marriage was their commitment to each other. They never gave up on each other. They had bad times and good, but they always stuck it out. Was I making a mistake? Was I foolishly giving up? A blunt pain corked through my chest, twisting with suffocating pressure. I struggled for an adequate breath.
“I’m done talking! Don’t ever fucking come here again.” I sprang from my seat and grabbed my bags, my hands shaking like leaves in the wind. I didn’t look back as I blindly made my way to the elevator.
Two hours later, I stepped out of a cab on Lexington Avenue and Fifty Third Street in Midtown Manhattan. A misty rain peppered my face as I dodged pedestrians on the sidewalk. Holiday lights and decorations colored the night in a festive glow, stealing the spotlight from an impotent full moon. The streets were crowded despite the rain, and holiday bells jingled somewhere in the distance. I barely noticed as I quickly made my way to the restaurant where I was meeting Josh. He saw me and stepped out from under an awning, waving in greeting. Tucking his hands into his coat pockets, he smiled slightly then kissed my cheek.
“They can seat us in about ten minutes,” he said, taking my elbow and pulling me to shelter.
My head was spinning, my thoughts rambling as much as they had been two hours before. Josh turned toward the door of the restaurant, but I stopped him with a hand on his arm. I needed to get things off my chest. I was too wound up, too agitated from the relentless pricks of my disjointed thoughts. My gaze rove his face, taking in his blue eyes and relaxed features. I studied him for a long moment, causing him to wrinkle his brows curiously.
“I had a visitor today.”
He smirked and shook his head. “Let me guess. Your mother. She left a message on my voicemail about the Vandercamp holiday party this weekend.”
I frowned. I hadn’t heard from my mother, but the voicemail to Josh was not what concerned me at the moment.
“No.” I shook my head. “Carol.”
Josh’s jaw firmed angrily and his lips pinched. “You have to be fucking
kidding me? That bitch’s got some nerve!”
I paused, searching his features for signs of deception. Only anger deepened the hue of his face. I’d seen his anger enough to know when it was genuine.
“She said she tried to seduce you at your apartment.”
He sighed and lowered his head. “I know. The more I thought about it, the more it became clear. I was a stupid fuck for letting her in.”
“She said you rejected her.”
“I didn’t touch her, Kay. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.” His gaze locked on to mine, and his eyes became glassy in the dim light. Cupping my shoulders, his face crumbled. “I didn’t touch her, Kay! I swear on my mother’s grave! Please, please don’t give up on us.”
My knees almost buckled. My chest caved in, heavy with emotion and my body quaked from the onslaught. Oh God! What had I done? What had I done? Strangling guilt clutched my throat, squeezing so tight I was breathless.
“Please, please say you’ll marry me, Kay. I love you.”
Tears rolled down my face, big, fat, heavy drops that sprang from a well that ran deep within. I couldn’t imagine the source because inside I felt impossibly empty. I nodded and Josh pulled me into his arms, squeezing me tight.
“I’ll be good to you, Kay. I promise. I’ve been taking the anger management classes. I want to be the best for you. I will always treasure you. I need you, Kay. I love you.”
“I—I love you too.”
His mouth descended on mine and I opened for him, his taste and texture familiar. My heart was hurting, wringing tight with emotions I couldn’t name and couldn’t begin to explain. My arms wound around his shoulders as his tongue glided into my mouth. I clung to him, kissing him back in front of a restaurant, on a busy street in Midtown Manhattan, on a rainy night…with my eyes full of tears. The tears kept flowing and, for the life of me, I didn’t know why I was unable to stop them.
CHAPTER FIVE