by Annie Walker
“What if I can’t give them to you? You heard Doctor Raymond…”
“Maggie…don’t. Doctor Raymond said there really isn’t any reason to believe we can’t have children. Honey, if it’s not meant to be then we’ll adopt. Or we’ll just be happy together. I want to share my life with you. That means whatever comes our way. I love you, Maggie—only you.”
I believed him, but I desperately wanted to give him all the things that he wanted. After all, I loved this man. I’d do anything in the world to make him happy.
I didn’t want to believe that I couldn’t have children with Jackson. I knew Miranda would be so disappointed in me for giving into my fears, but I kept remembering my mother. She’d had a miscarriage and wasn’t able to have any further children. What if I was like my mother. Of course, my logical self reminded me that my mother had abused her body—I wasn’t like my mother, still, the fear remained no matter how logical I tried to be.
I didn’t know how to tell my friends about the baby. Especially Genna. I wasn’t sure how to face her and not want to cry.
Jackson, being my knight in shining armor, did it all for me. He’d called them all, along with my mother and Gran and let them know for me. He stayed home from work with me the next day and we grieved together. We held each other and wept for the loss of our first child.
“Jackson, I want to go see my mom. Maybe for the weekend? I could stay with her and see Gran. You could come up on Saturday?”
We were sitting in the kitchen the following morning eating breakfast. Sidney had taken his usual place in my lap. “Is that what you want?” I nodded, unable to explain this need in me. “Then of course you should go.”
“But you’ll come up on Saturday, won’t you?” It hit me that this would be the first time we’d been apart in months.
“Of course. I’ll fly in and you can pick me up at the airport. How does that sound?” I told him it sounded as if he really loved me.
“You sure you’re up to driving? If you want, I can take off and go with you?”
“No…” The poor man had worked so hard lately. The company was currently working on breaking into the larger supercomputing field. “No, you’re so busy at work and this time will be good for me. The drive will give me time alone. I know I’m hard to deal with right now. But you’ll come on Saturday.”
“You know I will.” Jackson knew when to hold me tight and when to let me go off on my own. “Everything is going to be okay. Nothing is going to hurt you ever again. I won’t let it.”
He’d made me smile for the first time since losing the baby. I hugged him close. “I’m so lucky to have you. You have any idea how much I love you.”
“Really? Well, then it’s time you did something for me, don’t you think?”
I watched him for a moment and realized he was right. It was time. I wasn’t even sure what I was waiting for. I loved him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him alone. It still surprised me that he wasn’t running away scared by me and my crazy family.
“Come up Saturday and we’ll talk about setting a date, okay?”
Jackson grinned from ear to ear. “I’m holding you to that. I’ll be taking your little rust bucket into work tomorrow because frankly, I don’t want you to drive it around town, much less all the way to Santa Anna. You know I’m loaded right? I could buy you another car—anything you want.”
At that comment, some of my old self returned. No way was I letting any man buy me a car. I had money—I’d buy my own stuff. “Yes, I know you’re loaded, Mr. Riley, but I don’t happen to need your money and I certainly don’t need you to buy me a car. Anyway, I like my little rust bucket. But if you insist, of course I’ll take the Mercedes. Even though it will be a struggle driving around town in that ridiculously expensive car of yours. What will people think?”
“There goes the girl with the rich boyfriend?”
Jackson left for work the following morning in my little rusty car. Even though I might not admit it to him, it'd definitely seen its better days.
I called my mother and told her I was coming. She understood my need. Gran had been a little more difficult to face. She didn’t know how to make it better for me.
The drive to Santa Anna was the best thing in the world for me. I spent the hours going over every little thing that Miranda had told me. Even though there was still that small part of me that was afraid, the strong common sense Maggie knew we’d be okay. Jackson and I would be okay no matter what happened.
I went to see my mom first. I needed the quiet comfort of someone who had been there. We spent the day in her backyard drinking tea with the passel of cats from the neighborhood that she fed and cared for and I was happy.
“You are nothing like me, honey. Don’t go thinking you’ll never be able to have any more babies. Listen to your doctor. I spent most of my life abusing my body. It was just too much for my system to overcome. You aren’t like that. I know how hard it is to lose a child. I understand your hurt better than anyone does. You’ll have lots of people tell you everything will be okay. That you just have to move on and forget about it, but you and Jackson both have to give yourself time to grieve for your child. You lost a part of you—your child. It’s a death of part of you and it has to be properly grieved."
“Poor Jackson, I just left him when he probably needed me the most. I’m so terrible to him, Mom.”
“Oh, honey, you are not. That man loves you and he’s lucky to have you. You’re lucky to have him as well. He’s just the right man for you. I couldn’t imagine anyone better. I’m so glad you didn’t find one of those namby-pamby boys that would let you boss them around and lead them by the nose. The Monroe women have always been strong willed women. Those types would last about a day with us. You’d have outgrown someone like that in a minute. Jackson won’t let you bully him, but he knows when to hold his tongue as well. I noticed that right away.”
“I love him so much, Mom, and he wants to marry me. Can you believe that? Little Maggie Monroe from Santa Anna married to one of the richest men in Austin. Jackson is just so easy to be with; I’m so lucky to have him. He wants to set a date for our wedding and I want to now. I want to marry him more than anything else in the world, mom, but I’m so afraid something is going to come along and take it all away from me. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up and find that none of this is real.”
"Oh, Maggie, that’s my fault. I never gave you the stability you so desperately needed. Even though your grandmother tried, I know it was hard. Sometimes, honey, you have to just step out on blind faith and go for it. Hope for the best. There are no guarantees in life, no matter who you are. If you have someone who loves you and will be there with you through it all, you can’t really ask for anything else. Don’t let go of him, and don’t keep him waiting too long.”
I left my mother late that afternoon with the promise that she and Fred would come have dinner at Gran’s the following night.
The second I parked the car at my grandmother’s little house, she and Lee were taking me in their arms and searching in their innocent way to find something to say to bring me comfort.
“Jackson called,” my grandmother told me once we were settled down in her kitchen over coffee and chocolate cake. My favorite.
“Really? Is he okay?” I’d become so worried about him once I’d finally come to my senses and realized that I wasn’t the only one hurting here. “I’m going to call him to make sure.”
Gran took one look at me and nodded.
“Is everything okay?” He barely got his hello out before I was ambushing him. My fear must have been evident, even through all the miles that separated us, because he was trying to reassure me.
I’d called him when I arrived at mom’s to let him know I’d made it and I’d spoken to him several times during the drive, but this was the first time we’d been apart in months and I found myself lost and almost floundering without him there.
“Honey, I’m fine. I was just letting Lee and Sa
rah know when I was arriving. Everything’s fine here.”
“Are you fine? How was your day? Are you doing okay?”
“I’m okay, little bit. I’m more worried about you. I’ll be okay. We’ll get through this together. But I know it’s tough.”
“Mom says it’s normal to grieve like this. I mean, after all, we’ve lost a child haven’t we? Even though we weren’t prepared for it or expecting it, it still hurts doesn’t it?”
“Yes, it does. I can’t wait to see you, Maggie. I miss you already. Tell everyone hello for me and I’ll see them soon, okay?”
I was smiling so much that I’m sure my grandmother and Lee were wondering what I’d been up to. I had two pieces of chocolate cake that night. It never tasted better.
By eight o’clock, I was pooped. I’d been going like crazy all day and I only wanted to collapse in bed. I felt as if I could quite possibly sleep for days. But alone in my tiny little bed, I missed Jackson more than I would ever have believed possible. The old Maggie would have scoffed at this, but this new gal was missing my guy.
With everyone else in the house, including Sidney sleeping, I decided to take myself out to my old hiding place for some fresh air.
I might not be suffering from nightmares any longer, but I sure was suffering from a bad case of lovesickness.
The Texas night came alive all around me with the music no symphony could ever duplicate. The crickets were just as much a part of the Texas summer night as the scent of a fresh mown yard or summer flowers on the night breeze. My grandmother’s honeysuckle bushes were in full bloom by now. Their fragrance filled the humid night.
Tonight my hiding place held no more fear or insecurities. Perhaps a touch of sadness, but mostly my thoughts were happy ones. I thought about my future. I truly wanted to marry Jackson. I was missing him more than ever when I heard the sound of my name close by.
I turned back to see the silhouette against the light of my bedroom of the man that had occupied my thoughts since I’d left him that morning.
“Jackson? You’re here. But…”
To anyone else but a man in love, that probably sounded crazy, but he only smiled at me before he took me in his arms.
“I missed you too much, little bit. I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from you even for one night. I just couldn’t do it. So I did a terrible thing. I forced my pilot, who was with his wife at a very expensive restaurant having dinner, to make this trip. I fully expect the guy to quit.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did, but it was worth it to see your smile. Although, Sidney almost gave it away. You didn’t hear all the commotion he was making in there?”
I was laughing and smiling so much that all I could do was shake my head before kissing him. I loved this man.
“I’m so glad you came, but I can’t believe you did. You know you can never be away from me ever again, not even for a single night.”
“That’s not going to be a problem for me, little bit.”
“Jackson, I want to talk about it.” I knew he didn’t need to ask me what. He knew.
“Good, I’m glad. It’s about time. Tell me what you want.”
“I don’t want anything big, do you? I know you have all that money and I’m sure people will be expecting you to get married in some elaborate ceremony, but I hope you’re okay with not doing that. I don’t want anything big.”
My little girl voice was back, begging him to understand. He did. I should never have doubted this man’s compassion.
“Honey, you are an exceptional lady and nothing about our relationship has been anything like what I expected so I wouldn’t want our marriage to be any different. I don’t care how we get married. I just want to be married to you. Everyone else will just have to deal with it. It’s our wedding, after all. So tell me what you want and we’ll do it. Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you.”
“Can we just have a few friends and family and have it at our house? Oh, and I was thinking maybe Fred could perform the ceremony?”
Jackson Riley smiled back at me in that understanding way of his. "That sounds perfect. Do you have a date in mind?”
“I was thinking the day we met. I mean for the first time not…”
Jackson grinned and he understood exactly what I was thinking. I couldn’t say the night we’d slept with each other, but he knew.
“I think that would be perfect as well. That gives us exactly three months. Is that enough time?”
“Yes, because it’s going to be simple and small, remember?”
“How could I forget? Now come to bed with me, Mary Margaret. You look tired.”
I was, but I was also so excited to see him and to be making plans for our future together that it was a long time before either of us could think about sleep.
“Gran is going to be shocked to find you here in the morning…oh, wait, it’s morning already. I mean later today.”
Jackson leaned over me and smiled and I knew the truth. My grandmother already knew. How else would he have gotten into the house?
“When did you guys plan this?”
He started to laugh at my shocked expression. “I’m not going to tell you that, little bit. Now go to sleep.”
I woke very late the next morning. I was exhausted and still a little blue, but Jackson was with me and I was with my family. I was happy.
I found Jackson, Lee, and Gran sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee when I stumbled downstairs still half asleep.
“Well, look who’s finally up? We were just about to write you off for breakfast.”
“Sorry, Gran, I guess I was tired.” I planted a kiss on her forehead.
“Well, of course you were. Now, let me make you something to eat. You look like you could use some eggs and bacon.” She stood up and began busily digging out pans from the cabinet while a small part of me thought about protesting. I couldn’t. Gran needed to help me through my pain. This was the only way she knew to do that. I let my grandmother make me a full breakfast including toast and I ate every bit of it, much to everyone at the table’s surprise.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you eat that much in years. It’s about time,” my grandmother told me after I’d finished off the last little bit of bacon.
“If I keep eating like this, I’m going to get terribly fat.”
“Jackson, will you set this child straight.”
“Your grandmother’s right, little bit. You will never put on weight; you have a perfect figure.”
That little comment was a little too personal for my grandmother’s breakfast table. I was blushing and Jackson was laughing at my innocence, much to my grandmother and Lee’s dismay.
I turned to look at Gran, but found I couldn’t ask the question that I was almost certain I knew the answer to already. I’d never told my grandmother that Jackson and I were living with each other and even though Lee had told me she knew, I still couldn’t quite bring myself to say the words. Now I was wondering if I’d been putting off telling her the truth without cause. I was almost sure she’d guessed as much at Christmas because she kept winking at me.
That night over my grandmother’s meatloaf, Jackson and I told my family that we’d decided on a date for our wedding.
“We’re hoping that you would do the ceremony, Fred?” I asked after everyone recovered from the shock of me committing to marriage.
“I’d be honored. I’m so glad you’ve decided on the date.”
The rest of our visit there was a happy one. I almost let myself forget about the loss of our baby for that weekend. After attending services at Fred’s church, we left for home and life went on.
My first time to visit Genna at her house after the miscarriage was hard for both of us. Seeing Genna so close to giving birth with all the little baby things around made me want to cry. Both of my friends sensed that. For the first time ever they didn’t know what to say to comfort me. In the end, I told them just having them there was enough. But I was happy to change th
e subject. I told them about the wedding and I think they were the most surprised. I wondered if secretly they were thinking I’d never go through with it.
“I’m glad you finally committed to Jackson. He’s good for you. I know it’s been hard and you’ve been through a lot, but Jackson loves you. He’ll be there for you,” Genna told me.
“You guys are going to be my bridesmaids, right? I mean, I don’t think I can do it without you two.”
“Are you kidding? The opportunity to be ringside at the biggest event of the year? I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” my sometimes-sarcastic friend chimed in.
“Well, it’s not going to be all that. We’re keeping it small, just family and friends. I don’t like crowds.”
I heard Serena laugh and shake her head. “Oh, I’m not talking about big as in the ceremony; I’m talking the fact that Maggie Monroe is actually getting married in the first place. We’d just about decided it wasn’t going to happen.”
****
As it turns out, planning a wedding, however simple, takes a whole lot of time and effort. I found it more overwhelming than actually trying a case.
The fact that I could throw myself into the planning, with the help of Jackson and my good friends, helped me get through the loss of the baby.
Jackson was still working long hours and the time we did actually have together became precious. I didn’t want to waste a second of it talking about wedding stuff.
One morning while both of us were getting ready for work and running late, it hit me that with all the preparations for the wedding, not to mention the busy work schedule the two of us were keeping, I’d forgotten to get my birth control pills refilled.
“Shit,” I blurted out loud enough to bring Jackson back into the bathroom where I was trying to finish drying my hair.
“What’s the matter with you?”
I was busy trying to calculate in my mind how I was going to find the time to get the darn things filled when I met his glance in the mirror.