by Tina Smith
“Hello, I’m Lila Crain. I am a friend of Cresida’s.” I was going to ask if I might come in, when she half closed the door and leant in to say, “Oh, well
- Cresida is not able to receive any guests just now, dear.” Her face smiled but it wasn’t happy.
“Please could I just talk to her?” I frowned in concern.
“Cresida won’t be allowed visitors until her behaviour improves, she knows this. Lila Crain was it?” She raised an eyebrow. “We are careful of who she is allowed to see. Certain people have influenced her away from Christian morals.” She then closed the door.
If Cresida had gone mad I may have understood it now. I found out later Tabetha Horrel was a devout member of the Presbyterian Church of Holy Divinity, who had despised her younger sister’s ‘hippie’lifestyle and set about correcting Cresida’s parents’ mistakes. Tealy suggested Tabetha had heard about my tattoo and correspondingly decided I was a bad influence.
My calls were ignored. Cresida never seemed to be in, nor did she show at school.
I had an inkling of an idea then. I had to make her want to find me. But this was easier said than done. Just chasing her wasn’t enough and my plan was to kill two birds with one stone. I wanted both of their attention, pack and hunter. I was hedging my bets.
Should I start a rumour? Should I threaten to expose her, or them? I swallowed, imagining the pack surrounding me. Too dangerous, she couldn’t take them all on at once or even just the three, as I was sure Sky could not harm me, since he had protected me so aggressively from Reid and given the way he had rescued Cresida from Sam’s teeth – that took guts, it took an independent soul to do that and above all it showed he had a conscience - he cared indiscriminately.
The only sure-fire thing I could think to do to get attention from the world I craved was to endanger my life with the pack, but maybe I thought I didn’t have to do it with all of them. Maybe it was enough to plan it and really mean it and just maybe that was all it would take. Since Cresida could predict the future, maybe I could fool her with her own tricks. I had decided that I had been pulled into this world for a reason and I wasn’t going to back down without a fight – and any life devoid him wasn’t one worth living.
If I had stirred anger in Reid once, enough to make him morph and endanger me, I could surely do it again - if that was my aim. He was still young, under two years immortal and easily aggravated, though usually his good nature and lack of bad temper had made him a placid newborn wolf. So instead of finding the elusive Cresida, I had to find Reid and push his buttons, away from the rest of the pack, which was easy now he spent his days away working. I just had to find him. Rumour had it he was working as a labourer somewhere in the valley. If I ambushed him and provoked him with a lie during a full moon, maybe he would snap. I imagined Cresida aiming at him and shuddered. I didn’t want him to get shot and though I remembered she owed him her life, her first priority was to protect the innocent. And if she wasn’t there, if I was wrong about her sense, he could kill me. A vision of my skin ripping apart tried to deter me. I gulped. If he was quick I would be dead, but I wasn’t going to do nothing. Nothing was worse. I knew I was a fighter and if I went down kicking and screaming it would have been a hell of a lot better than dying day by day in the shadows, living the rest of my life watching them never age, until I died.
I prepared. I was now going to be a hunter’s companion a warrior - strong. I would worry about the convincing Cresida part later. I joined the gym, something completely out of character for me. I did push-ups and sit-ups in my room, I jogged mornings, passed building sites on a different route every day hoping to see him working to make it easier to ambush him. Maybe he wasn’t even here? In that case I’d have to be even more ‘buff ’ to impress Cresida, without any other reason for her attention. These things I told myself served to motivate me. If I had voiced them to anyone, even Giny, I would have been committed, of that even in my state I was sure.
It was nuts and I had gone a little crazy, the logical part of my brain questioned me constantly but the burning desire I felt overrode it a million times. Only one thing could make me forget my plan and that was that which spurred it. The only thing that could stop me was Sky and that was never going to happen.
22. Suffering is Born of Desire
My mother was impressed with my new dedication. I drank protein shakes and took New Age supplements religiously with high antioxidant values and fruits she had never tried. I was home every day like clockwork and her initial impressed reaction developed into concern. Even she could tell I had changed. I could see she thought I was obsessed and she might have been right. Something had snapped inside me. I couldn’t be the same anymore. I cut my hair into a pixie crop and dyed it dark brown, different from the blonde hues Sam had dyed it. I was feeling things more than I had before, and something had awoken in me.
I ignored Sophie’s requests to go out at first. After one evening when she ambushed me and started to cry anorexia nervosa, I reminded her that I ate more than she and my father put together. Part of me was pleased she’d even noticed my muscles. They must have been coming along nicely for her to point them out in the mist of hysterics.
“Bulimia then!” she screeched at me.
I decided it was best to subdue her, then. “Mum, please stop crying, I’m fine.” She had never noticed when I’d overdosed or raided the liquor cabinet last June, went to clubs or when I missed weeks of school until they called her, and now that I was doing something positive and relatively healthy – at least I was, physically – now she flipped out?
“What have I done wrong with you - what are you trying to tell me, Lila?” she pleaded.
After another ten minutes of conversation I managed to convince her being dropped from the team, and my subsequent breakup and Lily’s suicide had made me reflect on my own life. It sounded plausible. I had been motivated to do something with my life, I made it sound convincing. I wondered if I believed the lie myself during parts of what I considered half truths. I stopped short at the parts that really scared me and all in all as I spoke I wondered if I was crazy. I was spouting more positive speeches than a Born Again Christian commercial. She apologized for her drinking, her depression after the divorce and during the marriage – even for her lack of energy, as tears ran down her cheeks. She hugged me then. I wiped her tears, told her I was okay despite the separation between her and my father and hurriedly agreed to her previous invitation to go to dinner as a special treat, thankful to get out of the atmosphere and change the subject. I was indeed numb. I took nine capsules before we left the house, a mixture of vitamins and herbal supplements downed in one gulp with water, before catching up and jumping in the car to head to town, for a mother-daughter dinner. My life was definitely getting weirder.
We arrived at the most popular diner in town. There was one other restaurant to choose from but I wanted to keep it simple and cheaper for my mother’s sake. We sat in a booth midway into the restaurant-slash-pub. I scanned the menu for a hearty meal that was low fat, but not too calorie reduced, just in case my mother noticed my choice. I didn’t need her to cry again. She left to get some drinks from the bar. As I sat there I heard the pack over the other side of the room. They were sure to know I was there already, they had to have picked up my scent. I spied them through the plastic palms dividing the room. My heart beat faster, but my body remained calm. Reid was there dressed in a black shirt, unmistakable with his dark hair, broad chest and russet brown arms.
“Should we leave?” my mother asked urgently as she sat the drinks down. She had seen them on her way back from the bar. She looked panicked as if this may set me off, or something. After all, I had just convinced her that their rejection of my friendship, after my breakup had hurt me.
“No. No, it’s fine.” I imagined, it was. I used the same casual pained smile I’d used at home during our talk. It had seemed to work, then.
“Okay,” she said uncertain. “If you’re sure.” I saw a flicker of
insistence boil and then fade. Perhaps she didn’t want to risk upsetting me. We both eyed our menus.
Before we ordered she examined me again.
“Mum, I’m fine!” I stated.
I cringed inside, then. If they didn’t know I was here they would have certainly heard me at that moment. I made my order – steak and vegetables, no fries.
I wished my senses were better. It was impossible to overhear their conversation; I knew they would be able to listen in on us. It was unfair. I wanted to hear something that would tell me where Reid worked. I considered making a scene now, but it was too public and my mother was there. I wanted to keep her out of it. Of all the times to run into him! I had to pass their booth on my way to the toilet. Sam’s eyes followed me from her table and I glared back bravely. Reid looked freshly showered; his hair was wet and sleek, though my eyes wanted to linger on Sky. Surely Sam would have killed me if it were not for Cres?
On my way out, I saw they were leaving. Sky turned and eyed me. He was the only one; he followed the rest of the pack out. I went back to my table. I had to make an effort but I turned my attention back to our dinner conversation, thankfully out of reach of Sky’s presence, I could breathe. Now that Reid and the other pack members were gone I had nothing to tempt me into action, so we ate making idle conversation.
At least Sky still didn’t seem cosy with Sam, I thought over my steak. As my mother spoke, I was praying he’d be in school tomorrow. I was looking forward to stealing another glance at him to gratify me. I felt lightheaded thinking of it. I allowed myself a moment before my mother interrupted. I told her about Teals and Monica and how they had kept me company, adding in some gossip about the dance. She realised then that I hadn’t gone. I ignored this and continued, if for no other reason than to fill the space between us which my mother now noticed was there.
I was glad to get home, hoping I hadn’t said too much. I raced up to my room and finished my routine: squats, lunges and pull-ups. I could do six so far. I recalled when I had started, that I couldn’t do a push up from my knees, my arms were so weak, let alone a pull-up. I marvelled at this. I did a set of leg sit-ups and then later finished editing a paper for English on my computer.
Readying for bed, I thought, why was it that when I was a model daughter my mother decided to wake up and be concerned for me?
23. Elysium
I drifted off to sleep. I awoke to a scratching on my window and I jumped up dazed in the dim light. Squinting, I couldn’t make out who it was, the possibilities made more difficult now that Sky had been up once before, or could it be Cresida, suspicious of my plan, because she had been watching? But when I saw the hair I knew who it was and my heart jumped into palpitations. I squeaked the window open slowly which was as always now unlatched, shushed my guest and went to close the door as I’d given up religiously closing it. When I returned to him he was dripping wet and I noticed it was raining outside. “What are you doing here?” I whispered accusingly.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Do you want to talk?” He frowned, glancing into my eyes.
“If this is about Reid, I-”
“Shh, no, I know you guys weren’t serious, I overreacted.” He looked at me seriously then, eyes smouldering: “I’m sorry.”
Now it was me who eyed him up and down critically. I was stunned but I hid my feelings as I so often did now. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” I said, and there wasn’t. I had been glad for him to have a reason to come up when he did weeks ago.There was no bitterness, not really, especially not in comparison with the other emotion I felt. I breathed in his smell.
“Why haven’t you been at school?”
He changed the subject. “Shit, you’re built. I had to do a double take tonight. What are you doing to yourself? You know Cresida will be protecting you, there is no need to–”
I cut him off defensively. “This isn’t for anyone!” I gestured to my body. I blushed. Yes, it was, and he was standing here.
“Are you going for heavy weight champion, or something?” he teased as though he had always done.
“No,” I replied. I wanted to know why he was here, really. My heart skipped a beat. I was scared to ask incase he left.
We stared at each other. “Are you going to get me a towel?” He smiled wryly.
I turned to get one whilst taking a jab.“Don’t dogs just shake,” I muttered sneaking out to get a towel, whilst I wondered if I was dreaming. I had to steady my breath as I quietly snuck back in the room, gently thudding the door shut. I turned to see the most beautiful specimen ever to grace my vision reclining on my bed, a cheeky smile across his face. I wanted to ask him a million things, not least what he was thinking. But all I could do was stare at him unbelieving, as though I was now seeing things.
“Is your mum awake?” He looked alarmed and it endeared me that he should be concerned about my mother.
“No, it’s okay, just be quiet,” I lifted my finger to my lips. “She’s a light sleeper.”
“Are you going to give me that?” He gestured. I looked down at the towel. Bravely I walked over to him, threw the towel on his lap and sat on the bed in front of him, my back to his legs. I pondered if he felt the same as me, if this insane nervous fluttering could be mutual.
“Does Sam know you’re here?” I swallowed hard not looking at him. I was tense. I couldn’t look at his eyes. I felt helpless, I was terrified of touching him yet an electricity flowed through me. He grabbed my arm and he came up to sit beside me, then. I was almost visibly shaking though I couldn’t move. His smouldering touch shook through me and burnt where his tanned flesh touched mine. I still did not look at him. He dried off shaking the towel over his head. He couldn’t have been closer to me. The wet towel touched my nightshirt; my autonomic nervous system went into overdrive. I reminded myself that this is all I had wanted for so long and here he was, and it wasn’t a dream.There was no one watching, no eyes on us in the dark and I could smell his sweat. I didn’t want to know anything, I just knew I wanted to touch his burning warm caramel skin and I let myself believe that if he was here, he wanted that too. He had been banned like the rest of them to stay away, like Reid, yet he was here, for no reason other than he couldn’t stay away. He rubbed my leg and he ran a finger over my thigh. We sat with bated breath, silent, breathing heavily. Finally I couldn’t bear it any longer. I faced him. I couldn’t look into his eyes, I placed my cold lips on his warm lips. He did not resist, quite the opposite. I pulled away, fearful of his reaction gasping for breath. I threw my head into my lap, squeezing my eyes shut; I felt his large warm hand stroke me. “Is it too much?” he asked softly.
I could only assume he meant all of it, the kissing, everything, and him being here. I wasn’t sure I could stay conscious.
“Yes,” I sniffed truthfully; it was all too much emotion for one body to contain. More unbearable quiet followed, where only my heart beat out of my chest and at the same time, I thought I could hear his heart beating just as hard. That he felt it too, and that blood pounded through his veins with the same intensity as mine. He hadn’t left, he stayed close to me, hot against me in my room. What was he doing?
“I thought you hated me,” I confessed. “You’re not supposed to be here.”
He didn’t speak. Finally he broke the painful silence. “What do you want to do?”
I didn’t know if he meant now or forever. Was he just as scared as me, that if I sent him away we would never have, or be allowed this moment again?
“No, don’t go,” I whispered hastily, as he went to move away, perhaps to leave. I touched his hand delicately and he came closer then, kissed me once on the lips and then hugged me tight. I withered beneath his hands and although he was so warm and throbbing, I shivered.There had been so much waiting and hoping. He felt the same and now it was happening so fast, I struggled to keep up. He released me then and brushed up and down my arms as if to warm me.
“Cold?” he asked.
“No, just sort of in shock,
” I huffed weakly after more silence in which I could hear only the rain pounding on the roof and the blood in my veins. “We’re not supposed to be doing this,” I whispered, whilst in my head I was screaming for him and asking myself what the hell I was saying? “I didn’t know if you felt the same way or if I was mad, the way I felt…”
In the silence he answered, “It’s different than you and Reid isn’t it?” he asked hopefully.
His pack brother’s name pricked a nerve. “Yeah.” I looked at him, my words not doing my feelings justice. I wondered if this was more to him than Cresida or Sam, but I dared not ask. There was so much to say. Words would have broken the spell; he held my wrist to his chest. My palm rested over his heart, my cold nose nuzzled the crest of his neck, my lips rested against his flesh, soaking up his warmth, breathing in the smell of his skin. I swallowed nervously. His neck seemed to goose bump, but was burning hot, and I pulled away from the embrace and tilted my lips close to his and kissed him. Energy buzzed between us.
And when we finally parted his husky voice whispered, “Your hair’s different.” He touched the ends between his fingertips. I was glad he had an excuse to feel more of me.
“Does Sam or the others know you are here, with me?” I reached my fingers for him.
“No.” He shook his head, leaning in towards me further, our fingers twisting around one another, his warm skin making my mortal flesh tingle.
“Will they be angry?” I wondered what would happen to him if they did find out.
“They know something’s up,” he admitted, but it sounded like he didn’t care.
We giggled then. “We won’t be in any danger will we?” I breathed, almost unable to apply the word to them.