“If I may intrude. If I may, please. I am bound to tell you that the question of spaying Senorita Fogarty is strictly academic. Academic. You will recall that Senorita left this room in the custody of Mrs. Crump, who is, I may add, together with Mr. Crump, her legal custodian. They are at present, I should judge, secured in the Crump quarters, from whence, I predict, neither fire nor flood nor threats of hell shall cause them to budge. It would, in brief, be quite impossible to get permission to perform the operation.”
“Well,” said Uncle Homer, “here is Crump himself still with us. Crump, you will kindly go at once and fetch Senorita Fogarty.”
Crump, thus brought to attention, jumped as if stabbed in the stern with a hat pin, and his Adam’s apple leaped wildly in his withered neck. He looked about desperately for a sympathetic eye, and saw with despair that even Brewster’s was no more than judicial, pledged only to justice without favoritism. Finding himself cornered, he weighed the present menace against the wrath of Mrs. Crump, and found his choice, after all, to be remarkably clear and easy. He drew himself erect with all the defiance of a martyr already dehydrated by the heat of burning faggots.
“There they are,” he said, “and there they stay.”
“What’s that?” Uncle Homer’s voice rose and skidded and cracked. “Crump, do you have the damned temerity to stand there and defy your master?”
“Master,” said Crump, “has joined the angels. I don’t have any master now.”
“True,” Brewster said. “I’m bound by my legal profession to support Crump’s position. In this house, indeed, he is the master.”
“Is that so?” said Webster. “I should have said, offhand, that Mrs. Crump is the master.”
“That, young Hester, is a domestic matter, not a legal one.”
“So far as we are concerned, it is a distinction of no consequence,” Hester said. “Senorita Fogarty is still left free to indulge her beastly passions as she pleases.”
“Or what is worse,” Uncle Homer said, “as Crump pleases.”
“There is little doubt,” said Lester, “that the old devil will live here forever in a litter of Chihuahuas.”
“Perhaps not,” Uncle Homer said, staring at Senorita’s legal custodian with an expression of baleful speculation, “perhaps not. Crump, you may come a cropper when you least expect it.”
“That constitutes a threat, Homer. A threat. As an attorney, I cannot brook any threats.” Brewster leveled at Crump a look which appeared in itself threatening. “Crump, you are a catalyst. With all due respect, I suggest that your presence is no longer necessary in this room.”
Crump, having concluded that too much of a good thing could be made of defiance, lost no time in leaving. Uncle Homer stood up suddenly and took a step after him, as if tempted to pursue, but then stopped, reversed himself, and sat down again.
“Brewster, he said, “you are certainly the greatest shyster and scoundrel of the century. You have permitted us to be thoroughly diddled by a lunatic without taking a single step to prevent it, which was your plain duty. As for me, I intend to go through that abominable document word by word, however deadly, and if I find the slightest shenanigan in your damned extractions, I’ll have your license.”
“As you wish, Homer. As you wish. You are perfectly free to take all precautions. I advise you, however, to use a little restraint. You would not, I’m sure, want to say anything actionable.”
“I intend to read it, too,” said Flo, “for I am convinced that it was drawn by a lunatic and can be broken.”
“And I,” Aunt Madge said, “will naturally remain at Homer’s side.”
“Not I,” said Lester. “I have my MG parked in back, and I intend to get in it and go somewhere for several strong drinks.”
“I happen to have several strong drinks in my apartment,” Hester said, “and if you will drive me there, I’ll give you your share.”
“As for me,” said Junior, “I believe I’ll just come along, although I haven’t been invited. Cousin Hester, you may sit on my lap.”
4
THEY RODE in the MG, Junior and Hester stacked in a bucket beside Lester, to the building in which Hester, on the fifth floor, had her apartment. It was a nice building and a nice apartment that was pretty expensive to live in. As usual, it was considerably littered with various items, intimate and otherwise, that had been left lying around, and Lester and Junior had to move some of these items. Hester went to the bedroom and changed from black into something bright in two pieces. The top piece was a white jersey blouse and the bottom piece was a pair of red velvet pants, and Hester wore them back barefooted into the living room.
“Hey, hey!” Junior said. “You may sit on my lap again if you want to.”
“No thanks,” Hester said. “I’d just as soon sit on the lap of an octopus.”
“Do octopi have laps?” Lester said. “I don’t believe they do, do they?”
“They have arms all over the place, which is more to the point,” said Hester. “I’ll just sit somewhere out of reach, if you don’t mind.”
“You’ll have to clear a spot,” Lester said. “Sister, this is a nice apartment, but I must say that you’re a hell of a housekeeper.”
“I’ll sit on the floor. There is almost always room there.” She accomplished this simply by holding her heels together and spreading her knees and lowering herself vertically to a pow-wow position. “Junior, there is a bottle of gin around somewhere. Why don’t you find it and try to do something with it?”
Junior started looking in and under things for the gin, and Hester found a cigarette in a crumpled pack in the pocket of her blouse, but no match, and Lester leaned forward from his chair and supplied a lighter and leaned back again.
“You wouldn’t care to loan me some money, would you?” he said.
“No.”
“I didn’t think you would. It’s too bad, too. Even a thousand dollars would be helpful.”
“I agree. A thousand dollars would be about as helpful now as anything could be. Except, of course, a million and a half or anything between. Why don’t you sell the MG?”
“In case you haven’t heard, it’s illegal to sell something you don’t own.”
“Surely you have some equity in it or something.”
“Hardly enough to mention or bother with. Payments, to tell the truth, are rather in arrears. Unfortunately, as it turned out, my status as heir presumptive has led my creditors into an excess of generosity.”
“Have you considered getting a job?”
“Quite briefly, for about two traumatic seconds. Anyhow, I’m not trained. I’ve spent my entire youth learning to be an heir, and it’s all I know.”
“Poor brother. It’s bad luck, I know, but my own isn’t much better. As a matter of fact, I don’t have a thousand dollars, or anything like as much.”
“No? You don’t pay for this nest with bird seed, Sister. How do you propose to avoid eviction?”
“I’m thinking about it. Happily, the rent is paid for three months in advance. If something hasn’t turned up by then, I may have to move in with you and Mother.”
“Don’t plan on it, Sister. That will be just about the time, I estimate, when Mother and I are being moved out.”
“Well, I wasn’t seriously considering it, anyhow. The moment I mentioned it, the prospect seemed too dreadful to bear. I am not quite so terrified of employment as you are, and I may find something to do if worse comes to worse. Surely there are jobs around that wouldn’t require me to do anything.”
“Almost any job requires you to do something, but I know of several that wouldn’t require you to do anything that you aren’t eminently qualified to do.”
“If only I could sing or dance or something.”
“Singing and dancing require talent and training. So do acting and modeling. You would do much better, I’d say, to go in for something that requires nothing but looks and instinct.”
“When you come right down to it, there
is nothing quite so pleasant as being an heir, is there?”
“No, there isn’t. Not by a long shot. Let’s hope, at least, that Senorita Fogarty turns out to be sterile.”
“Fat chance. Not with all that hot Spanish-Irish blood in her veins.”
“I suppose you’re right. I admit that sterility is rare in half-breeds like that.”
“If necessary, we could all move temporarily into Grandfather’s house.”
“I doubt it. The Crumps are in possession there for the time being, and I don’t see them putting out any welcome mats, especially after Uncle Homer threatened to do old Crump in.”
“Oh, well, perhaps it would be best, after all, simply to find someone to pay my rent.”
“I heard that,” said Junior, suddenly appearing with three glasses, which he distributed, “and I want to be the first applicant.”
“Nonsense, Junior,” Hester said. “It is essential that all applicants have a lot of money.” She paused and looked up at Junior as if she had been struck by a wildly improbable thought. “Junior, do you happen to have, by some incredible chance, a lot of money?”
“Not by any chance whatever, incredible or otherwise. Except for what’s in my pocket, I don’t have any money at all.”
“Well, if that isn’t just like you, Junior! Just when I was beginning to think you might be more attractive than I ever imagined! If you don’t have any money, how do you expect to pay my rent?”
“I could steal some somewhere.”
“Please don’t be absurd, I’m sure you would be no more competent as a thief than you are at anything else. You would solve no one’s rent problem but your own.” Hester drank from her glass and bobbed an ice cube with the tip of an index finger. “While we are here together without the handicap of Mother and Aunt Madge and Uncle Homer, I suggest that we discuss what is on our minds.”
“If we are going to discuss what’s on my mind,” said Junior, “we had better ask Lester to leave the room.”
“I mean,” Hester said, “what are we going to do about Senorita Fogarty?”
“Do?” Lester said. “What can we do?”
“Exactly my question,” Junior said. “Lester has already suggested spaying her, which would have been effective, but old Crump and his wife, as you know, will not be parties to it.”
“If that isn’t just like you two!” Hester said. “The moment a suggestion is made and rejected, you are ready to abandon the whole project. As for me, I am made differently. It is clear that something must be done about Senorita Fogarty, even if it means doing something about the Crumps in the process, and I am determined to do whatever is necessary.”
“It’s easy enough to talk,” said Junior, “but talking and doing are two different things.”
“I repeat,” Lester said, “what can we do? I agree that the damn dog deserves to be taught a lesson by her betters, but I’m all out of ideas.”
“The first thing we must do,” Hester said, “is face the issue squarely.”
“All right,” Lester said. “I’m facing it.”
“I am, too,” said Junior, “and I wish I weren’t.”
“In that case, what must be done is surely apparent. Senorita Fogarty must be eliminated.”
“Eliminated?” Lester said. “You mean murdered?”
“If you care to call it that. I must say, however, that murder seems like a petty high-toned word to be applied to the elimination of a dog.”
“That may be,” Junior said, “but I’m pretty sure, whatever you call it, that it’s illegal. What is the name for dog murder? Caninicide or something?”
“And what is the penalty?” Lester said. “I’m more interested in that than anything else.”
“I’m not sure of the exact law on the matter,” Hester said, “but it is surely no more than a misdemeanor at most.”
“I’m not interested in what it is,” Lester said. “I’m interested, as I made quite plain, in what the penalty is.”
“The penalty would be negligible, I’m sure. Possibly a fine and up to a year in jail.”
“Well,” Junior said, “I don’t object too much to a fine, if it is reasonable, but I am against a year in jail. Definitely if I am the one who has to serve it.”
“So am I,” Lester said. “I kept my hands off Grandfather all the time he was alive, and I don’t intend to jeopardize myself now for a dog.”
“Furthermore,” said Junior, “I’m not at all convinced that a misdemeanor is what it would be. We must remember, too, something about a criminal not being allowed to profit from his crime. I, for one, am reluctant to have my share of Grandfather’s loot divided among those who risked nothing and merely sat around and waited for me to do their dirty work for them.”
“Well, if this isn’t the most abject defeatism I’ve ever encountered.” Hester divided a scornful look equally between the two defeatists. “I suggest doing a simple thing, and you immediately begin thinking of a dozen reasons why it can’t be done. What makes you assume that you’re going to be caught? Haven’t you any confidence in yourselves whatever? The object is to do it without being caught.”
“That’s different,” Lester said. “I’m for it if you can assure me that we won’t be caught.”
“And I,” said Junior, “am at least willing to discuss it a little further.”
“Very well, then,” Hester said. “We are agreed that Senorita Fogarty must be eliminated. The next thing to consider is the method. I’ve been thinking about it, and I have an idea, but I am open to suggestions of something better.”
“There is no need to think of something better if you have already thought of something good enough,” Lester said. “What is it?”
“The most important thing,” said Hester, “is to keep it simple. There is almost universal agreement on this among murderers. It minimizes the danger of slipping up on details and such. Therefore, it seems to me that the very best and safest way to eliminate Senorita Fogarty would be to take her out in the traffic and get her run over. It shouldn’t be at all difficult to arrange, and it would have the advantage of appearing to be an accident, and unfortunate consequences could be avoided.”
“Wait a minute,” Junior said. “It might be easy to get Senorita Fogarty run over in the traffic, but it wouldn’t be so easy to get her in the traffic in the first place. What I would like to know, if you don’t mind telling me, is who is going to get her away from old Crump and his wife?”
“Damn it, Junior, must you begin finding fault even before you know what something is all about? I have a perfectly good suggestion to offer if you will only give me time.”
“Go right ahead and offer it. Take all the time your need.”
“Thank you very much. I suggest that Lester is the perfect person to carry out the plan. He is notorious for his ability to charm women when he sets his mind to it, and he is so handsome that he can resort to outright seduction if necessary.”
“Well, with all due concessions to Lester, I am somewhat skeptical about his ability to charm Mrs. Crump, and I am positive that he can’t seduce her.”
“For my part,” said Lester, “ability aside, I have no enthusiasm for the first alternative, and a positive feeling of revulsion for the second. After all, there is a limit to the sacrifices a man can make. For a million and a half dollars, I might undertake to charm Mrs. Crump, but there isn’t money enough in all the mints combined to make me do more.”
“Charm will probably be enough,” Hester said. “I am predicting that Mrs. Crump is as susceptible as any other woman, however unlikely it seems. Lester, all you have to do is hang about Grandfather’s house and be lovable. In practically no time, I’m sure, you will be able to prevail upon Mrs. Crump to let you take Senorita Fogarty for a walk on her leash. After that, it should be no problem to push her under a handy car.”
“What about Mr. Crump? Won’t I have to prevail upon him, too?”
“Don’t be absurd. Mr. Crump will have nothing to say about it. As a m
atter of fact, after you have worked on Mrs. Crump for a while, she will be thinking seriously about pushing him under a car.”
“All right. I agree to try it if you think it will work. I have nothing to lose but my pride, and that must be secondary for the present to my bank account.”
5
HAVING CULLED the dreadful document without significant change to the meat of Brewster’s extractions, Flo had arrived at her apartment, dropped off by Uncle Homer and Aunt Madge, and was in the living room when Lester arrived later. Like Hester, she had abandoned her mournings at the earliest possible moment, and she was in the meticulous process of restoring to her finger and toe nails the scarlet enamel that she had removed in deference to the solemnity of Grandfather’s last rites. She was already beginning to feel somewhat more cheerful, buoyed by the gay color and her almost invincible conviction that everything was certain to come out well in the end, no matter how bad it might seem in the beginning.
“Hello, Lester, darling,” she said. “Have you been at Hester’s all this time?”
“Yes.” Lester sprawled in a chair and elevated his feet to a handy ottoman. “Junior was there with us.”
“Was Junior still there when you left?”
“No. He wanted to stay, but Hester threw him out. I dropped him at his place.”
“I’m relieved to hear it. Junior is a dear boy, but I don’t believe he is altogether reliable where Hester is concerned. He has a naughty mind.”
“Oh, well, Hester has a rather naughty mind herself, so far as that goes, but not where Junior is concerned. Anyhow, you needn’t worry about Hester. You had much better be worrying about me.”
“Darling, are you referring to those foolish little gambling debts? If so, you really have nothing to be concerned about. I talked with Willis Brewster about them, and he assured me that they are not legal obligations. Isn’t that nice? You don’t have to pay them at all.”
“Mother, you can’t imagine how happy you’ve made me. Grandfather had the same opinion, and I’ll tell him he was right just as soon as I see him.”
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