by Lee, Jane
So that is how I met my Matt – doing a drug deal for a quarter-kilo of Billy in the Kent countryside. Or should I say, Mad Matt? That was his nickname because there was nothing he wouldn’t do. He was fearless and a bit crazy with it. Two days later he rang me and we made a date. It was my 29th birthday in a couple of days so we decided to go out and celebrate.
On my birthday he pulled up outside my place in a Porsche. A Porsche! And because I told him on the phone I was into antiques, he had bought me a few things for my birthday. In fact, his car was full of presents – among them a beautiful bunch of red roses. My favourite flower. I couldn’t believe it. He made me feel so special. I felt on top of the world and I thought my dad was going to be so proud of me. I knew Matt was a villain but that was my life and Dad knew it too. Matt took me to a beautiful restaurant in Kent. I hadn’t felt like this about anybody for a long time. After the meal we went back to my place and I couldn’t believe the words I was hearing. ‘I’ve had a wonderful time, Jane,’ he said to me. ‘You’re not like all the rest. You are so beautiful and you’ve got some personality on you. I never know what you are going do or say next and I like that. I like it a lot.’ He took me up to my bedroom and we made love. After the years of struggle and disappointment, I let everything go. For that night I was a woman who didn’t have to be strong anymore. I knew I was falling in love big time and, boy, did I feel happy about it.
Those first few weeks went particularly well. He treated me like a lady whenever we met and, not only did I adore him, but I looked up to him because of the way he conducted himself. He never went looking for any trouble but you had that feeling he could handle it if it came looking for him. He lived in Kent and I was still busy doing the beer run so it is wasn’t even as if we had to be in each other’s pockets, which I think was a good thing in those early days. I also thought that one of the first rules of falling in love was never to mix business with pleasure but, with me and Matt, things were a little bit different because it was business that brought us together – the drugs business, that is. But then it did cause a problem.
He asked me for some more Billy but I didn’t have enough. He wanted a kilo and my usual contacts didn’t have that amount of gear. Matt played in the big league compared to me, I’ve got to be honest here. And that was one of the things that impressed me about him. I fancied him, all right. He brought excitement. I didn’t want to let him down so I had to go through another contact, which I didn’t like doing, normally. But I set it up and the new guy gave me a sample of the gear and it was good. So I did the deal and got the gear for Matt and, after paying me for it, he took it back to Kent.
Everything seemed fine until Matt phoned me later that day. ‘This gear is shit, Jane,’ he said. ‘You’ve been had over, which means I’ve been had over and I am not happy. I’m out five K. They gave me a good sample but then they switched the main delivery for a load of shit.’
I wasn’t happy at the news either. ‘Bring it back here, Matt,’ I said, ‘and I’ll give you your money back straight away.’
Matt came over and handed me the dodgy gear and I gave him his money back. ‘What are you going to do?’ he asked.
‘I’ll sort it,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry.’
‘No, I’ll sort it. I don’t want you getting in too deep on my account. This could be trouble,’ he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, all protective.
I knew he meant well but my independence had become so important to me. I had learned to rely on myself through thick and thin and, as much as I was already coming to love and trust Matt I knew he wanted to look out for me, I found it hard to stop looking out for myself because that was how I had survived so far. I looked up at him with loving eyes and said, ‘Now, look here, lover boy, I’m a big girl and can handle it. How do you think I managed before you arrived on the scene? Leave it to me, Matt.’
But he wasn’t happy. In fact, that was the understatement of the century. Matt was old school and he didn’t want his bird doing what he thought was his job. It would be fair to say he had the right hump with me for turning down his offer of help and him having the hump was giving me the right hump too. We started to argue. ‘Tell me who they are!’ he shouted. ‘You aren’t going nowhere. I am not having my bird running around getting nicked.’
I wasn’t having it. ‘Now, listen to me, Matt. I don’t need your help or anybody else’s. Do you understand me? You can’t tell me what to do.’ He was fuming but he didn’t say another word and just stormed out of my house. I was upset but the last thing I wanted was more arguments. I had got myself into this mess and I would get myself out of it. The day I started letting other people fight my battles for me would be the day I stopped being me and I couldn’t have that. It would be bad all round. Matt still had a lot to learn about me.
I got my guns and I went to see the middleman who had done us over. Once in his house, I told him the gear wasn’t the same as the tester he gave me. I didn’t want to start off heavy. ‘I want my money back, mate, simple as that,’ I said. ‘I’m not happy. I’ve just rowed with my Matt over this.’ He looked scared but it wasn’t me he was worried about. He told me he hadn’t got my money and that he had bought the gear off someone else. He had been done over too.
‘Take me to them,’ I told him.
‘These are proper gangsters, Jane. I’m not too sure about fronting them about this. They’ll kill you. It’s some crew from Essex. There is nothing you or me can do.’
But I don’t scare that easily. ‘I don’t care if it’s the fucking Kray twins themselves who are behind what has happened. No one’s having me over. Fucking take me to them.’
He couldn’t decide whether he was more scared of them or of my guns. In the end, he took me, bringing his brother along as muscle. We ended up at a pub and, while my middle-man went inside for a quick sneak preview, we waited for him to come back out. He told us there were about 30 of them in there. ‘Leave it, Jane. It’s fucking suicide. They’re drinking and tooled up. I know this crew. Leave it, babe.’
I didn’t hesitate. ‘Let’s get in there then,’ I said. I started walking and he followed me. Once again, I wasn’t sure if he was more frightened of me or them.
The gangsters were all in their suits, looking well flash. Me? I was in my army gear – combat trousers, DM boots, green T-shirt and bomber jacket. My 9mm Browning automatic pistol was in one pocket and my German Mauser pistol was in the other. My pal pointed out the boss and over I went.
I told him straight that I wanted my money back. ‘You sold shit gear to him,’ I said, nodding at my pal. ‘And he sold it to me and I sold it to someone very important to me. So give me my money back and we can call it quits.’
His boys all stopped what they were doing. I’d got their attention now. You might think I was frightened at this point or in over my head. But I felt totally in control, razor sharp and ready for them. I knew they wanted to have a go. Me being a bird, they would think I was easy but I was double ready. The boss’s boys were looking a bit puzzled, as if to say, ‘Look at the brass neck on it.’ All the same, they started making to get their tools out. When the boss himself said, ‘Get this lady away from me,’ I knew it wasn’t going to be civilised. Yet I already knew I had one thing in my favour – his words meant he had underestimated me and I knew that also meant he was slow off the mark.
Before he had even finished speaking I’d pulled my 9mm Browning out of my jacket and blown a hole in the ceiling. While he and his crew were gazing at the damage, I stepped forward, smashed his front teeth out with the barrel of the gun and held it in his mouth. ‘I am no fucking lady, you piece of shit!’ I screamed like a mad bitch ready to shoot the lot of them. Everybody crouched down or hit the floor. Everyone apart from the boss, the middle-man and his brother, that was. ‘I want my money back now or I’m going to blow you away, then your mum and dad and all your fucking kids, you ponce!’ I screamed. Of course, I wouldn’t have hurt his family. But he wasn’t to know that.
Blood was pouring out of his mouth and all his hard boys were on the floor, just staring. Their eyes were darting from me, back to their boss and back to me again to me, as if to say, ‘What do we do now, boss?’ But their boss was just standing there, blood pouring from his mouth. A damp patch appeared on his trousers. He had started to wet himself. I heard a noise behind me.
I whipped out my Mauser while still holding the Browning in this so-called gangster’s mouth. I aimed at the noise, keeping my eyes on the boss. When I glanced over, I saw that the disturbance had come from one of his boys – another wannabe gangster crawling from behind the pool table on the brink of tears. ‘Just give her back her money. It’s not worth it,’ he said.
‘Get fucking down, you ponce!’ I screamed.
It was almost funny. My middle-man had said I was dealing with proper gangsters but here we were, the boss had pissed himself with fear and his boys were crying. So these were the Essex boys, I thought. What a joke. But now I could hear sirens. I told my man to go out and get the car. His brother was now acting like Al Capone, bless him. I didn’t blame him. It was like something out of a film and he was loving every minute of this. Everybody was frozen, wanting me to leave before the law arrived. I backed away towards the door, still holding my guns on them as our car pulled up outside. On the way out I said, ‘I’m giving you one week – and only one week – to return my money. Yous aren’t gangsters. Yous are a load of cardboard cutouts. Proper men don’t have people over and they definitely don’t cry or piss themselves. You think I’d put my freedom on the line for scum like yous to take away what is mine? I’d die first. One week.’
With that, I was gone. I don’t know what they told the coppers when they arrived. If they had any sense, which, to be honest, was asking a lot, they would have been out of there. When we got back home, Matt was waiting. I didn’t know how he knew but word must have got out that something had gone down and Matt looked proper worried. In a way, that was when I knew he loved me. I planned to say nothing and act all surprised at him being there, while trying to keep my guns hidden inside my jacket. I knew he would not be happy about what has just gone down.
‘What are you doing here, handsome?’ I said. I could see he wasn’t going to have it but, before I could say anything else, Al Capone blew it for me.
‘You should have seen her, Matt. She blew a hole through the ceiling and put them all on the floor. The boss pisses himself. She’s knocked his teeth out when she’s smashed the gun in his mouth. Then we’ve done one and she’s given them a week to pay or else it’s more of the same. They were shitting themselves. I’ve never seen anything like it, her being a bird an’ all.’ I gave him a bit of a look at that last bit because I hadn’t met a man who was my match yet, apart from the big man standing in front of me.
Al Capone’s words hadn’t gone down too well with Matt. I knew he still wanted me to be a normal woman. The middle-man was smirking but not for long. ‘I can’t believe my own ears,’ Matt said, grabbing him by the throat, his face contorted with rage. ‘What do yous think is funny?’ I could see the anger in his face and that was why I had told them not to say anything but Al Capone just hadn’t been able to help it.
I started to calm Matt down, pulling him off the middle-man. ‘It’s not their fault, babe,’ I pleaded.
‘Don’t you get it, Jane? I love you,’ he said. ‘I’ll take care of you from now on and John too. I don’t want you to go to work. I don’t want you dealing in drugs and I definitely don’t want you running around with guns and shooting pubs up.’
But I told him to stop worrying because that was what I did and all I knew. But he was fuming and told the middle-man and his brother to leave us, and they did. By now they couldn’t wait to get away from Matt. He had that sort of effect on people.
We started to argue. ‘You’re not doing no more deals. You’re not going to work. I just want to love you!’ he screamed. ‘You’re going to end up dead or doing a life sentence. Please, Jane, let me provide for you. I’ll pay you not to work and everything you need, I’ll get it for you.’
I loved this man with all my heart by now and he gave me two choices – my old life or him. I so wanted to be cared for and loved by a man who could truly be my everything. My knight in shining armour. No man had ever given me anything. I had always supported myself and I still could. I was always the one who was the provider and it felt like a dream come true for somebody, at last, to have come along and rescued me from this world of crime and villains. It wasn’t the money, as I had plenty of that myself because I’d made a small fortune doing the beer run. It was the love, the care and the passion that made me want this man like I’d never wanted any man before. I chose Matt.
Matt moved in and I stopped doing the beer run but I hadn’t forgotten about my money. A week went by and I still hadn’t had it back. While Matt was at work one day, I went and saw a man who knew the Essex mob. He told me they owned a dry cleaner in Harold Hill but he had now heard about Matt and was more than worried about him. Matt had already warned people that they would have to answer to him if they got me involved in trouble. He said he didn’t want to be the one to take me to them but I wasn’t interested in listening to his excuses. I told him he was taking me to them. He said Matt would kill him. I just pulled out my Browning, put it to his head and told the poor sod, ‘Yeah but I’ll kill you first.’
When we got to the dry cleaner, my man begged me to let him go in first to try to sort it out without violence. I agreed. But when he came out, he had a worried look on his face. They had just done a runner out the back door. I wasn’t amused. I went in that shop and smashed the place to pieces. I was fuming because I hadn’t thought they were total cowards and would do a runner like that. After hiding my guns back in the usual place, I returned home.
When Matt got home, I said, ‘I’m going to have to do the Essex mob. It’s been a week and I still ain’t got my money and they definately ain’t getting away with it.’ I knew this business wasn’t going to end well and I had to tell him what was going to happen, out of respect. That put him in a bad mood straight away.
‘No, you’re not going to do anyone,’ he said. ‘You promised not to get into more trouble. I’ll sort them out.’ I agreed. I owed him that much.
Matt went out that night with a mate and a few hours later he came back with my money. I was over the moon. I thought I’d end up having to do someone but now it was done thanks to him. But at the same time, I knew that being a kept woman didn’t work for me. Matt wanted to be with me all the time. The problem was that I found it hard to change overnight, just like that. The more Matt was trying to rein me in, the less I liked it. I could have coped with the love and care he gave me but it was the control I couldn’t handle. I had gone from being my own person to him owning me and it wasn’t long before things started to change for the worse.
Matt got so controlling that it was unbearable. He stopped all my friends coming over. He didn’t like any of them and he kept telling me they weren’t my friends and that they didn’t really like me. They were just using me, he would say. I was cracking up mentally over it. I wasn’t allowed out. I wasn’t allowed to have visitors and I felt like he was psychologically destroying me. All he did was put me down. The clothes I wore weren’t right, the way I had my hair wasn’t right and he said everything and anything he could think of was wrong with me. He did it in such a nice and loving way that I felt he was right. A part of me believed him but the other part of me was fighting it all the way. I really did try to be everything he wanted me to be. He said that he wanted to buy a house in the middle of the forest for me, him and John so that nobody could come near us. Oh, how I tried to be his everything but, in my heart, I knew it wouldn’t work. I wanted so badly to stop being a criminal and be the woman Matt wanted but I couldn’t. And what’s more, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be his prisoner at any price. My heart was breaking.
I worried about my independence and how I would cope if it all ended tomorrow with Mat
t. So, while I didn’t take up the beer run again, I was still doing little deals on puff and Billy without him knowing about it. It wasn’t easy. As part of the way he was controlling me, he had said I was too good to do housework and had got one of his mates to do it. This was just his way of keeping an eye on me. I started to resent it because I felt like he was checking up on me in my own home. I went from doing everything for myself to doing nothing apart from a few deals when Matt was out of the house.
He would say, ‘All I want you to do is sit there, look gorgeous and do your nails.’ But there was more to life than that. And there was more to me. I kept on with my own bits of business, not least because I knew that one day I would return to my old life and would need something to fall back on.
Inevitably, one day he came home early while I was just about to do a little deal. I had to wait for him to fall asleep in the afternoon and then I was off out the door. All the way back I prayed he hadn’t woken up. I crept back in but it was too late – he was already out looking for me. I was going to get into bother again when he got back. I had to think fast. When he returned, I told him I’d been at a car-boot fair. I even had some shopping to make it look good but he wasn’t stupid. He knew what I’d been up to and went mad, chucking the shopping all over the street and barring me from going out at all.
‘What happens to your son when you get blown away or a life sentence?’ he raged. ‘You don’t care, do you?’
To tell you the truth, I never thought about getting shot or caught. I never looked at that possibility. By now I thought I was untouchable – a dangerous way to think but, at that time, that was how I felt. But I also knew that Matt was just trying to possess and control me, which was a completely new experience. The gypsy in me was a wild and free spirit and I just couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t right and I wasn’t having it, no matter what the consequences. It wasn’t that Matt wasn’t worth it. He was but the word ‘compromise’ didn’t enter either of our heads. I fought against him all the way and the rows got worse.