by Lee, Jane
Jamie phoned John in the next couple of days and they arranged to meet. I said to John beforehand that it would be just like the moment in the Harry Potter book when he got his wand. He would feel a power and he would just know he’d met his dad. I was only sorry I hadn’t done it before. But I did ask John when he was 15 if he wanted to meet his dad and he had said that he didn’t, so I didn’t push it.
Everything went well when they met. I was a bit jealous, to be honest. John didn’t drink or smoke and nor did his dad. John loved boxing and Jamie now ran a boxing club. Jamie played golf and so did John. It was amazing. How could they be so alike and not even know each other? I was glad though. John now had his whole family and I knew his best qualities came from me – his moral code, sense of loyalty and honour. I soon forgot my jealousy. They got on well and it made my day.
The next thing on my list was to get John as much money as I could before I went. He wasn’t going to worry about funeral costs or anything like that. I already had a life insurance policy for £50,000 so I went and got another £150,000 on top of that. I was hoping that would soften the blow when I was gone. I couldn’t think about the downside of losing me. I had to look at the best.
That summer I got a letter from Bob’s solicitor telling me to get out of the house within four weeks, cutting in half my planned two months in this world. I said to Bob’s dad that, if he thought I was leaving my home, he was dreaming and that he shouldn’t make any plans as his son was a dead man. He should get Bob insured. I also told him that I had a receipt from Bob so he couldn’t sell the house before he paid me back my £30,000. ‘But it’s too late for all that,’ I added. ‘I don’t want the money. I want him and Toni dead. I’m going to die as well.’
He said he couldn’t allow me to hurt his son and I told him, ‘You’ve got no choice. But don’t worry. We will all be gone – me Bob and Toni – by the end of August, so stop with the silly letters.’ It was already the beginning of August and time for me to say my goodbyes and to make amends with the people I loved.
I told John I wasn’t going to be around much longer. I didn’t go into any details at all. I just said I wasn’t well and that, when I passed, I wouldn’t be in pain anymore. He accepted it like the man he was but I could see his heart was breaking with sorrow. Even though he asked a lot of questions, I told him that was all he needed to know. How it hurt me to do this to my boy but I had to. I started telling everyone I’d only got a month to live. I told some people in the world of villains what it was all about but not everyone because I was out to commit murder. Those I let in on it could be trusted. I told them Bob and Toni had done me wrong and I was going to kill them and that the police would shoot me trying to save them. But these were villains I was telling, not family or close friends. Villains understood and they all agreed with me. I told them this was down to honour.
I had heard that one of the hard faces in the East End used to do some work for Bob’s dad and I made a meet with him. This was someone I had known nearly all of my life but I hadn’t seen for nearly 20 years. I needed to make sure he wasn’t going to get involved. I was on a mission. Bob and Toni’s time was up and they would be trying to find a way out so I got the number of the face, just in case they had gone to him for help. I introduced myself as the Gran and explained that I was at war with someone he knew and needed to find out what side of the fence he was on. He said he didn’t remember me.
When I asked him, ‘Have you got Alzheimer’s?’ he said I was mad. I said I wasn’t playing and that, if he wanted to get involved, I was game. He hung up on me. But within ten minutes he had phoned back and said, ‘You’re Janie Lee. Sorry I didn’t remember,’ and we arranged to meet at the Percy Ingle bakery in Canning Town later that day. There he bought me a cup of tea and I explained everything.
I said, ‘I need to know you won’t get involved because I’ve heard you worked for Bob’s family.’
‘Jane, you and I are family and we go way back, even if I have got Alzheimer’s, girl.’
He touched my heart with his loyalty and I thanked him but I told him it was personal and that nobody else was to get involved. ‘I’m going to kill them and die the warrior I am,’ I said. He assured me he wouldn’t get involved and I thanked him.
Things were falling into place nicely but then I had the hardest task of all. I went and told my dad I was going to die. It wasn’t easy but I had to do it. I said, ‘Don’t worry, Dad, Matt’s waiting for me.’ He went white with shock. I told him I was looking forward to it and even joked with him. ‘Now, if Mum was waiting for me, I wouldn’t go,’ I said and we both started laughing.
Then I went to see my sister Shell. I said I’d take her to the fair for the day but, when I got there, she wouldn’t go. ‘No way,’ she said. ‘Every time you ask me to go somewhere with you, something happens.’
I told her this would be the last time we would ever get to go out as I was going to die but she refused so we stayed at hers for the day instead. We had a brilliant day, chatting and drinking tea. I hadn’t told Dad or Shell the truth about why I was going to die. I just said I was ill. It was better that way.
I went to Southend after I left Shell’s, bought myself fish and chips and sat on the beach counting the stars. I was going over in my mind what I had left to do. I had given John back to his dad, made sure he would have enough money and said my goodbyes to Shell and Dad. I lay there smiling and then my phone rang.
‘Hello, Jane. It’s Frank here. I’ve heard things are going down with you and I just want to make sure I’m safe.’
I told him he was safe. ‘You were bad, Frank, but never evil so don’t worry,’ I told him. ‘But make amends with your family.’ I hung up. I didn’t want him on my mind. It had been a long time since I’d seen him and he hadn’t even entered my thoughts. Then he sent me a text that seemed threatening to me. I phoned him back. ‘Go to the army and get their best if you think it scares me,’ I said. ‘I’m sitting on Southend beach counting the stars and now my head is banging. Do him. Don’t do him. Decisions. Decisions. Now, fuck off,’ and I hung up again. Within five minutes I was surrounded by armed police. Frank, I immediately thought.
One of the cops shouted, ‘Jane Lee, get up.’
I jumped up and said, ‘You’ve got me,’ and pulled out a gram of puff from my pocket.’
I was kept in a cell all night and they charged me with possession. I was told to appear at Southend magistrates court on 25 August, signed the bail paperwork and got out. I knew I wasn’t going to turn up at court. I was on a mission and I didn’t have time for all this shit. They kept my car in Southend after I was released. So Frank had just made the last few weeks of my life a lot harder. I phoned him as soon as I walked free that morning.
‘You’re fucking top of my list now,’ I said.
He denied calling the police but he was the only one in this world who knew I was on Southend beach. Now Bob and Toni would have company because the two had become three.
It seemed mad, planning my own death. But it felt right. It felt right to know I wasn’t going out of this world alone and that someone was waiting for me. He would have waited through all eternity if that was what was needed but I was ready now. I wanted to be with Matt more each day. ‘I’m coming, Matt,’ I’d say and I could sense him waiting for me and loving me with a passion. I thought about him every second of the day and I had to make right what had happened. I had just left after his funeral and I didn’t really know anything about his death. It was time to sort that out.
Matt and Ken, the man who shot him, had been like brothers. They had fallen out over money and, in a mad moment, something had gone wrong and now Matt was dead and I thought Ken was going to be facing a murder charge. I believed Matt wouldn’t have wanted that so I decided I was going to take the blame for Matt’s death. I would go and see Ken and tell him that I’d say I shot Matt, and give him back his life. I was going to die anyway so it was nothing to me – and Ken would be free. I knew that’s what Mat
t would have wanted. I also had to get Matt’s ashes, as I knew his wish was for them to be scattered onto a race track because of his love of cars. Phoebe was keeping them in her wardrobe. I went to her place in Kent to sort that out too.
Baby Matt was now a young child of four. He was walking and talking and my heart broke. He was Matt in every way. I loved this boy. There was an attachment that was so strong and, when I sat down and spoke to him, he told me how a big man visited him and played with him at night. I told him that was his dad and the tears rolled down my face. He told me he knew the man was his dad and not to cry. He said Matt was OK and that he was teaching him how to play football. I could feel Matt’s presence and what this young boy was telling me was reassuring. It was so emotional. Out of a child’s mouth come no lies. He was only one when Matt had died. His mum was freaked out by her son speaking to Matt and she told me she had known about it for a long time. It scared her because it had to be Matt’s ghost. It was weird but that is what little Matt said and his mum said it was true.
I had come to get Matt’s ashes as well as see them both and say my goodbyes. I explained that I was going to die and I had to fulfil Matt’s wishes that his ashes were scattered on a race track. I also told her that, when I died, I wanted my ashes to be scattered with Matt’s. I said John could throw mine from one side of the car onto the track and little Matt could throw his dad’s from the other. Phoebe asked how long I had left and I told her three weeks. She couldn’t believe it. I didn’t tell her how I was going to die. I just made her think I was ill. It was too much for her to understand.
I told her I needed to see Sharon and she drove me to the gypsy site where she lived with her husband Clint. Sharon, the gypsy queen, had always been there for me when I needed her and I needed her now more than ever. Sharon was the one person in this world to grant my wishes, as I needed my funeral to be prepared. Time was running out. Oh, how I loved my gypsy queen. What would I have done without her? Those friends of mine I called the gypsy queen and king were of a rare breed. Their friendship was unconditional. No matter what I’d done or would have to do, these people were behind me a hundred per cent with a love that broke all the boundaries. I worshipped the ground they walked on and loved them with all my heart. It was so good to see them again. I immediately told them I only had three weeks to live and not to worry.
‘Matt is waiting for me,’ I said but they cried. I had expected it but I didn’t realise how much it would affect the people who loved and cared about me. I had to put their minds at rest. I told them I was ready and that I was even looking forward to it. They wanted to know why I was dying but I just said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s not catching and I won’t be in pain anymore.’ That was all I could tell them and I asked them to be strong. I told them I needed to see Ken and that I needed them to arrange my funeral. They didn’t understand but I told them I was the happiest I’d been since Matt had died. ‘I’m now at peace so please don’t make this any harder than it is,’ I said. ‘I’ve got three weeks and I want it to be perfect, not sad.’
‘You’re not going to see Ken. He killed Matt,’ Sharon said, concern written all over her face.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘But I need to know what went on.’ I didn’t tell them I was planning to take the blame for Matt’s death. But something didn’t feel right. They had a hatred for Ken in their eyes that didn’t match the intensity of my own feeling. Clint said he would only tell me where Ken was if he could come with me. ‘No,’ I said. ‘I need you to drop me off. I have to see him alone. Listen – and listen good. This is not about you being worried and protective over me. I need to see him and I’m going alone. Don’t forget that I’m the Gran and Ken’s the one who’s hurting.’ I persuaded them that there was nothing to worry about. Clint drove me to Ken’s yard and then, reluctantly, drove away.
I knew something wasn’t right as soon as I hit the yard. The feeling of sadness was no longer inside me. It had been replaced with a sensation that something here was very wrong. I must have known in my subconscious that things weren’t right, as I was in full combat gear. I’d never met Ken. I’d only spoken to him on the phone. Matt had often phoned Ken for advice. They were best friends and, when me and Matt argued, he would always phone Ken for backup. Ken would always make Matt right and me wrong. Now I was to come face to face with him. I didn’t like what I felt as I met him at the garage itself. I had come down here to meet this man as Jane but the Gran had already taken over.
He said, ‘Can I help you?’
I said, ‘Yes. I’m the Gran and we need to talk.’ He took me into his office and I could see the fear and panic in his eyes. I told him to make me a cup of tea and explain what went on between him and Matt. ‘I’m not going to be around very long and what you say now, Ken, will decide your destiny,’ I told him, keeping my eyes on his. He started stuttering. I was calm and listened to what he had to say and he let down his guard. It was the biggest mistake of his life. He said Matt had deserved what he got. He started to act flash. It felt like he thought he was somebody special because he had killed Matt. I hated him for it.
‘I came here knowing I’m going to kill three people, Ken,’ I told him in an icy voice. ‘Then I’m going to die myself. Now I’m going to kill four people because you have just gone to the top of my list.’ He didn’t say a word.
One of his mates, also a friend of Matt’s, was in the yard. He drove me back to the gypsy site and, on the way, he told me what had happened the night Matt died. Ken had shot Matt in self-defence. I said I didn’t like the way Ken had talked about Matt and that he had got a reputation out of his death. I said all he had left was time, the same as the rest.
There was relief all around back at the site that I hadn’t got into it with Ken. I put their minds at rest and I just told them that Ken was no friend of mine. They didn’t know I had gone there to take the murder charge from him and had come back with another murder on my to-do list because of the way he had talked about Matt. Now there were four people who were going to hell before I went to heaven to be with my Matt.
I felt good. Now I knew what I was going to do. I had given Ken the chance to feel remorse but he had blown it and now I would regain Matt’s honour and take down the man who had blown him away. A man he loved and trusted. I also found out that Ken had already faced a charge of murder over Matt’s death and had been cleared. So my plan to take the blame for Ken would never have gone anywhere. He had walked free after being tried at Maidstone crown court in March, 2009 and I had just never got to hear about it. He admitted accidentally shooting Matt after Matt phoned him demanding money he claimed he was owed. The court had heard how Ken was worried that Matt was going to turn up so he armed himself with a legally owned shotgun just in case. When Matt did turn up and confronted Ken, the gun went off by accident, the court was told, and Ken was acquitted of murder. But I was judge, jury and executioner now.
I went to see Matt’s other woman, Tracey. I hadn’t seen her since the funeral and I said my goodbyes to her too. I had to get Matt’s ashes from Phoebe as well so Sharon and I went back to her house. When we got there, she looked worried. I asked for the ashes and she started to cry and told me she no longer had them. She had buried them in the cemetery and had placed a plaque on the ground. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told her Matt’s wishes were that they were scattered on a race track.
‘Why didn’t you tell me before that you had already buried him?’ I asked. She said she had been too scared to keep him at her place because young Matt was talking to his ghost. I understood what she meant. She was young, she didn’t really know Matt and she was thinking about what was best for her baby. I told her we had to fulfil Matt’s wishes and that we would get him back. She asked how and I told her we were going to dig him back up. She nearly passed out. I could see the fear in her eyes. She was crying and saying she couldn’t do it.
‘This is what Matt wanted,’ I told her. ‘This was his wish and, if you loved him, you would do it for him. He
would hate to be buried in a cemetery.’
She agreed and I said we would go to the cemetery at midnight. I could see she was scared that someone might see us. ‘Don’t worry. I’ve got a plan. We will wear white sheets and, if anyone sees us, they’ll just think we’re ghosts and take no notice,’ I said. I was trying to make her laugh and lighten the situation. It made Sharon amd I laugh and it did make her smile a bit – but not much.
The cemetery was pitch black that night. I lifted off the plaque and removed the earth underneath it. Phoebe said she hadn’t put Matt’s ashes in an urn but just poured them into the soil so I don’t know if what I took was Matt but I had done my best. I put him in a 17th-century Minton china dish, ready to take him home and fulfil his wishes. I carefully replaced the plaque so nobody would know what we had done.
I had to return home then to sort out a few more things, as time was running out. I told the gypsies I’d be back, as I still needed them to arrange my funeral. I had explained what I wanted and left Sharon to prepare it. I knew she would make me proud.
It felt so good to have Matt back with me, although you might think I was mad, and, when I went to bed that night, I put the dish in the bed next to me and took off the lid, and I felt Matt come to me. I felt a connection like I told my John he would feel when he met his dad. Harry Potter getting his wand was just a fairy tale but Matt coming back to me was so real that I felt his presence with me. That night Matt and I became one. Matt was with me, protecting me and loving me. I felt so at peace wrapped up in his presence. Oh, how I had needed him and now I had him and we were soon to be together for all eternity. As I drifted off to sleep, I felt like I was wrapped in his arms again.