~~~
Adam was still asleep when I got out of bed. To say I’d slept would be generous. I’d laid in his arms while the quiet breaths and the slow movement of his chest told me he was sleeping peacefully. I drifted off occasionally, but it never lasted more than an hour. My mind was too full to let me sleep.
I crawled out of bed, gently easing myself from his arms, being careful not to wake him as I did so. The morning sun was creeping in and stretching across his body. One arm was above his head while the other laid sprawled across where I’d just been. His hair was a mess the way it always was in the morning and I found myself watching him. He looked so content; so peaceful. I could feel the lump forming in my throat as I looked at him, wishing the ache would leave my heart. I told myself I didn’t know why I’d even come here, but as I watched him, deep down, I knew.
I reached down and touched my hand against his for a moment, the feeling of his warm skin against mine sending a shiver up my arm before I pulled it away and went to the bathroom to shower.
My shower wasn’t a long one because if I stayed in too long, my mind could get lost in itself and right now, that was a dangerous place to be.
I toweled off and then changed into the same jeans I’d come to Boston in since I’d only grabbed a new t-shirt and underwear before I left Vermont. I ran a brush through my hair and then walked back to Adam’s room. I walked in quietly to put the undershirt he’d let me borrow in the hamper, but just as I lifted the lid, I heard him clear his throat and I turned around to find him propped up on his elbow, his bare chest exposed while the rest of him remained under the sheet.
“Trying to sneak away on me?” he asked with a grin.
“Of course not,” I answered, tossing the shirt in and closing the lid.
“What’re you doing up so early then?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I thought I might as well get up and get showered,” I told him and he looked at me with concern.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said softly and our eyes met, the deepness piercing through me until my heart hurt.
“Are you sure, Caroline?” he asked, pushing the sheet away and coming towards me in nothing but his boxer shorts. He was in front of me a moment later, both of his strong hands on my arms while he towered above me and looked down at me with concerned eyes.
“Yes,” I replied, but the doubt didn’t leave his face.
“I don’t want to keep pushing you, Care, but…but you’re not yourself,” he said and I could hear the caution in his voice. “You showed up here last night out of the blue. You would hardly let me touch you and you had trouble sleeping. What’s going on?”
One of his hands left my arms and pushed back a piece of my wet hair. The burning in my throat was growing stronger and the trail his fingers left behind caused goosebumps on my cheek.
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind. You know how it is,” I said, trying to make myself sound more confident than I felt.
“I hope you’re not still worrying too much about the situation with us since we’ve gone public. Because if you are, you shouldn’t be.” He took my hand and kissed the back of it. “We’ve got this, Caroline. You and me.”
I couldn’t say anything, but I smiled as I looked into his eyes because I couldn’t help but do so and then he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me as I rested my head on his shoulder.
“How about I make you some breakfast?” I said a few moments later, when I pulled away.
“You don’t have to do that,” he said, but I touched his arm and looked into his eyes.
“I want to though.” He smiled at me and then nodded before brushing his lips over mine.
“Then I won’t argue with you,” he said kissing me again. “I’ll just jump in the shower.”
“I’ll be downstairs whenever you’re ready.”
He squeezed my hand and then disappeared into the bathroom. I stared at the door he’d just closed for a few moments, trying to ignore the lump that was continuing to grow in my throat. I took a deep breath and made my way to the kitchen. I looked in his fridge. I wasn’t surprised to see there wasn’t much inside, other than a couple of take-out boxes. I had to smile to myself. Adam was a perpetual bachelor.
I did, however, find a carton of eggs that weren’t expired and decided scrambled eggs and toast was the best I could do with the limited resources. It was almost done when I heard him coming down the stairs, walking into the kitchen a second later. He was dressed in a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt and his hair was still wet from the shower. I caught a hint of his body wash too and I’d almost forgotten how good he could smell.
“I’m surprised you actually managed to find something to make,” he said, walking over to the stove and sliding his arms around my waist, kissing me on the neck.
“It’s nothing fancy. Just eggs and toast. I thought you said you liked to cook,” I said with a soft laugh.
“I do like to cook, but not for myself. Next time you come up, I promise you, I’ll fix you a meal you won’t forget.” He kissed my neck again and I swallowed hard through the ever-growing knot in my throat.
“Sure,” I said softly and then maneuvered my way out of his arms to get some plates. I scraped the eggs onto them and buttered the toast before taking the plates over to the table. Adam brought over some juice and we sat down across from each other.
“Thanks for breakfast,” he said, smiling up at me.
“You’re welcome,” I said, smiling back for a second before the silence settled in.
It didn’t take us long to finish and then Adam cleared our plates. He stood at the sink washing up the dishes while I stayed at the table. He was impossible not to watch, even doing the mundane task of washing dishes. I loved Adam DeLain. There was no denying that, but even that didn’t stop the knot in my stomach or the tears burning the backs of my eyes.
“So, my physical therapy is at nine and I should be at the ballpark by eleven, so if you want to plan on getting there a little before noon, that should be good,” he began, his back facing me as he continued to work. “I’ll have Chuck meet you at Gate C and he’ll bring you in. I can send a car to bring you too. I know you’re not that familiar with…”
“I can’t, Adam,” I interrupted suddenly, the words surprising me as they left my mouth. He turned off the water and dried his hands before turning to look at me.
“I thought you were going to come by the park today and watch my workout,” he said. My throat was on fire now as my heart started to race. The words had come out of my mouth, but he hadn’t heard them. He hadn’t heard what I was really trying to say.
“No,” I choked out. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” he asked and I took a deep breath.
“I can’t do us,” I finally managed to choke out and a tear fell down my face.
Adam was staring at me now. I could see the confusion on his face as he tried to register what I’d just said to him.
“What’re you saying, Caroline?” he finally said, his voice deep and low.
“That I can’t do this anymore. That I can’t be with you, Adam,” I said, wiping my eyes.
“What the hell is going on?” he said, the urgency heightening in his tone.
“We both know it, Adam. I’m the only one with enough guts to say it though.”
“Guts? Guts to say what? That we’re just about damn near perfect for each other, but all of a sudden, you don’t want to be together anymore? Where is this coming from?”
I didn’t answer right away and he tossed the dishtowel he’d been using to dry his hands onto the counter before walking quickly over to the table and sitting down across from me.
“It’s been there, Adam. Ever since we finally decided to give us a chance, it’s been there.”
“What’s been there?” he asked, the puzzled look growing deeper on his face.
“We’re just too different and nothing is ever going to change that,” I said quietly. “I thoug
ht it didn’t matter, but it does matter. It matters a whole hell of a lot and every day I’m seeing it more and more.”
He sighed loudly and met my eyes, his jaw clenching in frustration.
“If this is about the comments online, you’ve gotta get over it, Caroline. Those people…they mean nothing. Absolutely nothing!”
He was leaning forward, staring into my eyes. I could see the fear. I could see the confusion.
“I know that, Adam, but it still hurts. You signed up for this. I did not. I never expected anything like this in my life.”
“Well, I never expected to fall in love with you, but I did. And it scared the hell out of me at first. You don’t think I told myself everything you’re telling yourself? I did, Caroline. I did everything not to fall in love with you, but sometimes we don’t know what we need until we finally have it and now I know I need you.”
I wiped at my eyes again, putting my head in my hands as I tried not to let his words get to me. I knew what I had to do. Deep down, he knew it too.
“This isn’t just about the comments online. It’s so much more.”
“Then tell me what it is, Caroline. Tell me what I’m missing here!” he demanded and I raised my eyes slowly to meet his. He was frustrated and angry and I didn’t blame him. I’d blindsided him.
“Your life, Adam,” I began softly. “It’s here. It’s in Boston. It’s all over the country for eight months out of the year. This isn’t my life and it never will be. My life is in Silver Falls. I’ll never be like those girls at the club and I know what you’re thinking, that you don’t want me to be like them, but I’m the daughter of a farmer and if you’re honest with yourself, you know that’s what I’ll always be to you and that’s not what you want. You know that’s not what you want.”
Our eyes locked and I saw his jaw clench again as he stared at me from across the table.
“You don’t know anything about what I want,” he began slowly. “Because if you did, you’d know all I want is you. I don’t care about Boston or the life you think I have here. That life you’re thinking of is the past. My life is with you now because I love you,” he said and then took a deep breath as he reached for my hand. “And you’re so much more than a farmer’s daughter, Caroline Hale. You can do incredible things with your life, but you’re never going to if you think that’s all you are.”
His words stung my heart. His voice was harsh as I listened and it hurt, but I couldn’t take back what I’d said though because deep down, I knew he was wrong and I was right. He’d see it eventually.
“This summer was amazing, Adam, but it wasn’t real life. We painted these delusions that it would be fine once you came back and once you started playing, but it’s not. It’s not okay and I can’t try and fit in in a world I’ll never belong.”
“Because you keep telling yourself you don’t belong. Life can’t always stay the same, Caroline. You can’t hide away in the bubble that is Silver Falls the way everyone else in that town has.”
“I’m not trying to hide,” I said, surprised at my defensiveness.
“Then where in the hell is this coming from?”
“From everywhere.”
“Bullshit, Caroline! It’s coming from your inability to accept the fact that I love you because for whatever reason, somewhere along the way, you got it in your head that you’re just this simple girl from a nowhere town when nothing could be farther from the truth.”
“You’ll never understand, Adam,” I said softly, wiping my eyes.
“You’re awfully quick at making assumptions about me today,” he scoffed.
“This hasn’t changed your life,” I chided. “You weren’t suddenly thrust into the spotlight to have your every flaw pointed out by strangers or made to feel so different than everyone around you.”
“But have I ever made you feel that way?” he asked.
“No, of course not,” I answered quickly.
“Then what the hell does it matter?”
“Because regardless of what you say, we are different. We may be from the same place, but you left that place behind and someday it’ll hit you that you settled for the farmer’s daughter.”
He sighed again and when our eyes met, he looked as if he was about to cry.
“What the hell else can I say to you then? Nothing I says matters because until you stop believing that shit, there’s nothing I can do.”
My lip was trembling and I blinked, the tears streaming down my face.
“I’m sorry, Adam. I thought we could do this. I really did. I thought I was past all of it, but then Caleb came by…”
“Wait. Caleb? You spoke to Caleb?” he interrupted.
“I didn’t want to. He just showed up.”
“And you listened to him? You listened to him! So, what I’ve been doing these last few months, the way I’ve been treating you…that’s not enough to show you what’s really in my heart? What I really want? That asshole shows up and you believe him over me? Over how I’ve treated you? For five years he had the chance to love you. For five years he had your heart and what did he do to it? He broke it and in doing so, you somehow came to believe that you’d done something wrong. That there was something wrong with you when the truth is, there’s something wrong with him for not realizing what he had. He knows now and that’s why he showed up feeding you this shit and wanting you to feel like you are nothing more than a farmer’s daughter for the sole purpose of getting you back and keeping you locked in your life in Silver Falls instead of being happy with me. He cheated on you! He didn’t see what he had with you until you were gone. He doesn’t deserve you. He never has! He’s in your head and you can’t let him, Caroline!”
“I don’t want him back! I don’t love him. I love you.”
“But here we are and all because of him.”
“No! It’s not just Caleb! It’s everything. It’s Sawyer. It’s baseball. It’s you. It’s the fact I’m scared as hell about the future because I don’t know about anything,” I cried, the pain ripping through my body as I thought about losing Adam. “I didn’t realize it would hurt this much,” I said, trying to calm myself.
“It hurts because it’s real,” he said softly and I looked up to meet his eyes. “How can you give this up, Caroline? We both know I need you and you need me. People look at me and they think I have it all. They think I have everything and I thought I did too…until you came back into my life. I realized I had everything but one thing,” he said taking a long breath before continuing. “You.”
Our eyes met and I couldn’t control the tears. They spilled down my cheeks as he stepped towards me hesitantly. I told myself to step away, to not let him get any closer. This was already hard enough, but to have him this close was impossible. He reached for my hands, taking one in his while brushing the fingers of his free hand over my cheek.
“You’re everything to me, Caroline,” he whispered. “My life was always missing something. I was never truly happy. I thought I was, but I know now I wasn’t. You make me happy. You are my happiness,” he said softly as a tear finally escaped and fell slowly down his cheek. “I know you’re scared. I know being with me isn’t easy, but please, Caroline, I can’t lose you. Please don’t do this.”
My heart was breaking. Everything he said was true. I felt everything he said too. He was my happiness and the thought of losing him was unbearable. I loved him and in a perfect world, that would be enough. But, the world of Adam DeLain was a complicated one and one I knew, deep in my heart, I couldn’t live in. No matter how much my heart begged me not to, my brain knew better. I had to protect myself from getting in any deeper before my heart could be broken to the point I’d never recover.
“I’m sorry, Adam,” I began, the ache heavy in my voice. I could see the fear in his eyes as the words left my mouth.
“Don’t, Caroline,” he whispered.
“I…I can’t…I can’t do this anymore. I love you. I love you so much, but…”
“Caroline, bab
y, please,” he interrupted softly, running his hands through my hair quickly, almost as if he was trying to keep me from disappearing.
“Your life and my life…they’re just too different. You now this is the right thing…for both of us,” I said as the tears continued to flow from my eyes.
“Nothing’s right without you,” he said, his voice thick with hurt.
“It will be. You’ll see,” I choked out and our eyes locked. Adam DeLain was the strongest man I knew, but at this moment, he looked completely broken. I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself for causing him such pain.
He suddenly stepped back, his hands falling to his sides. The absence of his skin on mine was painful. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to not feeling it again. My heart was screaming at me to take it all back as it was shattering in my chest.
“You’ve made up your mind then,” he said, wiping the tear quickly from his cheek. His voice was monotone, cold almost, and I saw the weak, vulnerable Adam from a few moments before disappear. The hard, tough exterior returned and he stepped away from me. “Nothing I say or do will change your mind. You’ve got it all worked out in your head. You don’t want to fight for us, so I won’t try and make you. I thought I’d done everything I could to show you what you mean to me, to show you how much I love you, but apparently I didn’t do enough. What else do I have to do to show you how much I love you, Caroline? I’ve tried showing you every day we’ve been together, but dammit, you’re killing me!” he exclaimed, his voice angry and pained. “I’m sorry I am who I am and I’m sorry for what that means for us, but you’re stronger than this! You’re stronger than you think you are. I love you, Caroline. I wouldn’t let anyone stop me from being with you. You’re everything to me, but until you start seeing that for yourself, maybe you are right. Maybe we are too different and I need to stop deluding myself into thinking that doesn’t matter. Maybe I need to stop thinking being with you is worth more than our differences. Maybe I should just stop telling myself you’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life because apparently, you don’t feel the same way.”
Catching Caroline (Silver Falls Book 1) Page 33