by Andy Tilley
Well, we’re not quite one me and this mouse but by God, if we were any closer we would be!
‘Excellent Cristian, truly well done!’
Setantii is more than congratulatory; she’s proud. It’s me again, grinning and turning around so that everyone can know where I’ve been. Keltz has lifted the mouse from my hands and is taking a good close look at it. His staid inspection has us all pinned to the spot but it isn’t long before a huge grin spreads across his face and allows us to relax.
‘Perfect! Just a touch of damage in his left eye but other than that, perfect. Well done Cristian, bloody well done mate.’
‘Cristian no! No Cristian, please! Please don’t! I’ll do any…’
One look upward from me and Ruby instantly shuts up. She knows that this is only going to end one way. I’m so buzzed by it all that the compassion that I naturally do have for her plight is completely swamped. All she can see in my eyes is hunger, a desire to get on and take her. She’s gone now, back inside the lamp room, no doubt desperately searching for somewhere to hide in her glass tomb. I can’t imagine what is going through her mind, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
‘So what’s next?’
Keltz glances at Setantii and they both agree on something. Without answering my question he kneels and opens the door of the cage. The remaining mice step gingerly from it, sniffing at rocks and air but none of them stray too far from their home. Keltz places my mouse amongst them, stands and claps his hands loud and fast. The mice scatter.
‘Okay Cristian, give them a minute or two then bring them all back here to the cage. Fast as you can mind, and not one at a time either. I want you to try and control as many of them as you are able, simultaneously.’
I take a deep breath and close my eyes but before I can project, Keltz drags me back.
‘But be careful Cristian, and this is important so listen well. You must keep aware at all times of the vitality of each animal. The very moment that you feel that there is the slightest possibility of any one of them being in mortal danger, you have to get out. If you don’t, well whatever part of you is left inside when the mouse dies is gone too. Forever. And believe me, an eternity of feeling incomplete is not something you want to experience. Now, do you understand?’
Oh I understand alright. But I can’t help thinking that this little snippet of information might have come in handy a few minutes earlier! I scowl and nod at the same time and Keltz gets both messages.
‘Yeah, well maybe I should have mentioned it sooner. Anyway, good luck!’
It takes only a moment for me to imagine a mouse again but I soon realise that locating the little buggers is going to be tricky. I’m already outside of my body but being so focussed on finding mice I’ve given little thought to this weightless omnipresence. It truly is a wonderful experience though! But there’s also an echo of familiarity about it, a kind of ‘second nature’ feel to it all. It’s as though, even as a human, I always had this ability but for some bizarre reason never felt inclined to fly. Seconds have passed and I’m already fifty paces away from my body in every direction; a globe in a space that’s dominated by my presence. I push on, inflate the bubble and as the threshold expands so does my understanding. The radar kicks in. This is how things make themselves known to me; hot spots of life flashing pink and yellow, channelled back to the core where I stand and analyse. There’s my dad and sister, daubed in glowing hues as if by one of the great impressionists; nothing that neatly defines form but unmistakably human. Christine has a playful purple swirl too, charged full of energy as it loops out, twists and turns before flowing back into her. My sister, a flaring star. Oh I can’t wait to tell her how beautiful Tinkerbell is! And as for Stantii and Keltz, what magnificent creatures they are. Their energy is truly immense but so exquisitely controlled, contained inside a crimson crystal ball marbled by the most intense blues and purples imaginable.
‘Erm, the mice Cristian? Don’t forget the mice.’
These aren’t words that Keltz sends but thoughts, sensed God knows where by my existence. That’s what I am. I am everywhere and nowhere, a mere probability in this shell of energy that I have created. The mice don’t stand a chance and catching a glimpse of orange tucked behind the nearest rock I enter and take him. Easy. Here’s another, then a third and a fourth caught sniffing for food inside the light keeper’s house. Finally the fifth is found, rummaging through sticky seaweed on the beach. Time to go home boys! Or at least that was the plan but controlling all these panicked mice is like trying to herd cats. They’re scattering again and each time I manage to bring one closer another two disobey me, scamper blindly away from the unseen predator that they must sense is hunting them down. Right, I’ve got two now, running toward the cage but damn it where the hell is that one over by the beach going? Suddenly my senses are blasted by salt; it’s everywhere, pouring into me from the mouse that had been investigating the beach but is now tumbling through ice cold surf. Can mice swim? I can’t quite remember but once on Discovery I did see a……
‘Get out Cristian!!’
Keltz pop’s the bubble and I collapse back, dropped to my knees as my senses are overloaded with the taste and smell of salt. I’m coughing hard but there’s no sympathy, only harsh words.
‘Cristian, what the hell do you think you are? Some kind of rodent life guard! Rule one, if in doubt, get out! Now back on your feet and try again.’
Quite where Setantii has found this cruel wit I have no idea. I guess it was the demise of Aunt May that dropped the veil to reveal a crick necked, gruff voiced old bitch. Still, she has a point. This time I am not going to let these little bastards get carried away doing mouse stuff. They’re mine, and the sooner they realise it the better. I have three again already. There are only three left now; the fourth has been taken by a gull whilst I was recovering. Now that was a close one! I have no idea how quickly that beak would have severed a spinal chord or crushed an abdomen but I guarantee that it would have been quicker than I could have reacted. I really am going to need to sense more, keep my animal wits about me and learn from the mouse as much as control it. Yes, symbiosis, that’s the key here and it seems to be working. The three of us are separated but working as a team, watching for danger together and only when we’re satisfied that it’s safe to cross the next stretch of open ground do I direct, walk us on toward the cage. Stop again, look and sniff some more then move on. We can see each other now and come together on top of a high granite slab. The cage still isn’t in sight but we can smell our own faeces upwind. It smells good, like safety, like home and from this point on we have six eyes and three noses all scanning for danger whether it soars above us or lurks in the deep crevice beyond the next rocky edge. Ah, there’s the cage! Stop. Sit. Wait and smell. All clear. Run!
A volley of applause tells us that we’ve made it, blasts our tiny ears and sets our hearts racing again. Tiny feet tense instantly and muscles charge with adrenalin ready for flight but I calm them, suppress these urges and even make time to show boat a little; each of the mice standing on their rear legs and clapping their front paws together. The crowd loves it and claps harder. Show over I sit the mice in the cage and watch from inside as Keltz closes the door. Three blind mice, oh see how we ran!
Chapter 29
So the time has finally arrived. The time for me to say goodbye. Hard to explain how, but this long silent hug and these soft kisses on the cheek from dad are all I need to understand that he really does believe that this is to be a temporary separation. I’m not so sure. Not that I doubt his ability to rescue me when the time comes, because Thomas Chevalier would never make a promise to his son that he couldn’t keep. No, the uncertainty I have is purely about my own, as yet untested, willingness to surrender the prize that waits for me at the top of the lighthouse. Being held so close to him like this, it’s me who reacts first to the gentle buzz in his jacket pocket that finally pushes us apart.
‘You’ve got a text I think dad.’
&nb
sp; ‘Yeah? Well you have a date with a pretty little girl whose heart you seem to have stolen. The text can wait, but your sister can’t. Good luck son, and remember my promise to you.’
Christine is standing on a rock, making herself tall enough to wrap her tiny arms around my neck and pull me close in so that she can whisper. Her words are a strange mixture of the sweet and macabre; ice cream smothered in chilli sauce.
‘Thank you so much Cristian. I always believed in you even though you were just a story to me. And don’t be scared. Tinkerbell says she is oh so jealous of you and if she thinks like that then this has to be exciting doesn’t it? And we will see each other soon won’t we. But only if you take care mind, so please be specially gentle with her and don’t damage those eyes now. Promise?’
It’s a strange promise to have to make to someone so young but as I wrestle with it the mask of innocence that Christine wears for me is torn away revealing again her sallow and wrinkled skin, a face eroded by years of living trapped behind those scarred, white eyes. A life time spent sharing her dark world with the occasional rage and tantrums of a young and impetuous silkie. My sister was never given the chance to be innocent and I have nothing of her childhood to protect here.
‘I promise Christine. They will be the bluest eyes anybody as ever seen.’
My sister’s smile is the last thing I see before entering the lighthouse stairwell. Her image only lingers a moment though and by the time I’ve rounded the tenth step it is gone, taking with it the daylight from the entrance door that has also twisted from view. Always gloomy, always cold, there is nothing more disorienting than the spiral stairs of a lighthouse. I feel like I’m on Penrose’s steps, that whilst each stone appears to take me higher than the last I am in fact being led back to the beginning. It’s a weird sensation but at the same time one that sits easily in my mind and it strikes me that, as surreal as this spiral appears, it still makes more sense than what is truly happening. I am going up. I am climbing to the top of a tower. There is a real girl cowering from me there. I am going to raid her, claim her soul and save her eyes so that they can be given to my possessed sister. And when all this madness is done, when I have maimed and slaughtered Ruby Stevens, I am going to disappear from this planet for ever to be replaced by something I still don’t fully understand. I’m trembling and sweating hard now but this steadily deepening dread still isn’t enough to stop my legs from stepping on but oh Mr Penrose, if only you could be proven right just this once! If only you and your impossible stairs could be true, accept responsibility and drop me back at the entrance door with its daylight welcome! At least then I could say with all my heart that I tried, shrug my shoulders and leave all this behind with my pride in tact and Settanti and dad reconciled. But it’s a hopeless exit strategy this, for Penrose was indeed a lying bastard. Two more steps are all it takes to prove it and deliver me outside the crumbling grey paint of the lamp room door. So what now? How the hell is this going to work exactly? Should I knock? Knock? What are you thinking Cristian? Just burst in and take her! Should I? No, of course I shouldn’t. Knock. I tap my knuckles three times on the steel panel.
‘Ruby? Are you in there? It’s Cristian.’
‘Fuck off! Fuck off and stay the fuck away from me you freak! Just leave me alone! I haven’t done anything Cristian. Please please please….’
So much for my attempt to bring a little decorum to the table! Whilst Ruby rants and I hesitate my right hand reaches out and tugs the door handle down. The door is halfway open before I even realise what is happening. The silkie did this, the silkie inside me that didn’t hear the terrified plea of a young woman but instead tasted the delicious aroma of its first meal. As the door closes behind me I see her and my heart sinks. The skin around her eyes is puffed and red and looks really sore. Her lips and nose are dry to the point of cracking too and her hair is lying limp and greasy around shoulders that are so slumped they can barely support her baggy jumper. Ruby sniffs hard, drops to her knees and continues to beg, only quietly now as she accepts that her defences are breached and her only hope remains my compassion. As pathetic as she presents herself, my sympathy for her is nowhere near as powerful as I had expected it to be. If anything she’s beginning to annoy me a little. All this pitiful pleading for a life that, as far as I can determine, has been completely wasted, devoted to prostituting mind and body to drugs and sex and with no intention of ever redeeming herself wouldn’t you say Cristian? And don’t forget, your sister is so much more deserving! Better those sparkling blue eyes are finally used as they should be, to appreciate our world’s crystal clear beauty rather than aid her loathsome hunt for the sharp end of a needle or some scumbag’s cock don’t you think? After all, I did give Christine my promise didn’t I. Decision made and nothing more to think about.
A flash of Ruby’s image freeze frames in my mind’s eye and this is all it takes for me to reach out, connect and enter. Snap click and I’m inside Ruby Stevens! But this place is nothing like the mouse. There it was easy to sense the world beyond the whiskers. In here though I’m immediately bombarded by so much static that it’s all but impossible to sift and filter out those external sensations that I need to orientate myself. Emotions, imaginations, memories are all at once connecting with me in a chorus of chaos that can’t possibly make sense to anyone other than their creator. It’s a strange, dimensionless static too. Yes, I do have some sense of the physical space that Ruby’s mind occupies but its boundaries are no more substantial than a soap bubble. I don’t know how I know this but its true size can’t be measured. This mind doesn’t have ‘size’ and in here I can move at will in any direction for as far as she can imagine. I can be everywhere and nowhere in the same instant and as for Ruby, well there simply is no place for her to hide. Ah, but here comes something new, a heavy and constant presence smashing its way through the confusion. Oh my, this is indeed a powerful thing and it isn’t searching for her either! A solid wall of energy first nudges me then pushes steady and firm but rather than push back I yield, absorb and twenty five years of gestation are finally complete. My silkie is here and it brings no fear, just an irresistible and instinctive craving. Together now, all we desire is to consummate our union, hunt down the soul of the scarlet woman who built this place and immediately we set about stripping away the flack, dredging through the mire that Ruby Stevens used to define herself. Boy, did she did abuse her life or what! Even as a child her fantasies were dark with only a few memories kept from it but as the search for her continues it becomes clear what has happened to create such a twisted mess. Ruby’s absent mother hardly features at all and from the age of twelve this landscape is dominated by the inappropriate, lusty attention of men. A teacher cuddles her (far too intimately) in the evening classroom. Uncle Bob, drunk and leering, grappling at young breasts in the smoky corner of her brother’s birthday party and a threatening stranger exposes himself, forces her to touch him in a midnight park. These people (some of whom she no doubt looked to for protection) have failed this girl hard, sexualised Ruby far too young and it’s the memory of such beasts that fuels her darkest fantasies, dungeons in which Ruby the dominatrix commits unspeakable acts on bondaged perverts. The intense hate and pain here is toxic, sickening to a point where I yearn to get the hell out but Jesus this hunger! I have no choice but to find her, peel back more layers and root out the nourishing soul of this girl. But there are so many pieces of stinking trash to rummage through and as each are lifted the more noxious this place becomes. Almost overpowered by it now, I‘m about to retreat when a blast of sweet smelling salts suddenly brings me back round. I recognise it instantly for this cleansing aura could only belong to one thing. It is the unmistakable presence of a rose. Yes! My Rose is here! And of course stood next to her is Ruby, clutching tightly to the only good, pure and loving thing in her life. This is Ruby’s haven and the hunt is over.