by Leah Atwood
She was biting her lip. “Before, you said we needed to talk. It sounded serious.”
Ping. She’d landed the ball directly in his court. And even though he’d been the one to lob the ball earlier, he felt as if he was stumbling in the dark. How could he delicately bring up the past without putting a damper on their reunion?
He steepled his hands in front of his face. “Maggie...before I left this last time we weren’t in a very good place. Things were really tense between us. The strain of losing the babies got to both of us. Instead of consoling each other we move away from one another.” His chest felt tight and he let out a choppy breath. It pained him to remember. “We were fighting, hurting each other. Things were said in the heat of the moment that I—.” So much emotion lay behind his words. He didn’t know if he was doing a good job explaining how he felt. They’d both been so hurt over the miscarriages. Two over the course of two and a half years. Two babies who hadn’t made it into this world. He let out a ragged breath. “It’s been weighing on me for the last few months, not knowing where we stand. I mean, it feels like we’re good now, but I—”
Maggie took a step towards him and placed her hand over his lips.
“I know exactly how you feel. Losing the babies back to back like that was hitting rock bottom. It brought me to such a dark place. Alec, I know we have to talk about this. I know it’s the healthy thing to do. But can we not do this now? I’m asking you for this one moment.” Her breath began to hitch in a fast rhythm. “I just need you to hold me, Alec. I need my husband. So many nights while you were gone it was just me and my sorrow. Let’s just say that my relationship with God is stronger than it’s ever been. I leaned on Him whenever things starting looking bleak. God is my rock, but you’re my anchor.”
There wasn’t a time in their relationship that he could remember refusing Maggie anything. This moment would be no different. When he looked in her eyes he saw fear, and a vulnerability that shocked him. He was safe and sound, back from the brink of hell. Yet she still had that look on her face—the one she wore every time he deployed. Uncertainty radiated from her every pore.
He wanted Maggie to feel his presence, to know that she wasn’t alone anymore. He wanted to let her know that together they could do anything, conquer any problem—as long as they did it together. If you believe in us and what we have, he wanted to tell her, we’ll ride out all the storms.
Right now she needed him. She needed his strength and reassurance. And the comfort of his arms. And Lord knows he’d missed his wife desperately. God had answered so many prayers by bringing him home to Cape Cod. He didn’t take it for granted for a single second.
Thank you, Lord. For mercies great and small. And for walking beside me every step of the way.
“Whatever you want, Maggie. I’ve got you.”
He reached out and caressed her cheek with his thumb. Her skin felt so soft. She reached for his hand and pulled him towards the stairs, leading him towards the master bedroom. Once they crossed the thresh hold, he turned toward her and pointed to his sling.
“I could use some help here.”
“Of course,” Maggie said as she began to unbutton his shirt. She gingerly undid his sling and worked the sleeve off his arm. Her hands were gentle, the same gentleness he’d seen her demonstrate a hundred times or more with the children in the cancer unit.
She tossed his shirt aside, then wrapped her arms around him and buried her face against his chest.
“Mmm. You smell good.”
Alec shook his head ruefully. “That’s pretty doubtful. I’m in serious need of a shower.”
“Later,” she whispered. “Much, much later.”
“Whatever you say, beautiful,” he crooned, melting into her arms.
**
When morning came, Alec awoke to the dawning of a brilliant Christmas Eve morn. Maggie was snuggled against him, tranquil in the crook of his arm. Careful not to jostle his left arm, he flipped on his back and then onto his side so he could stare at his wife. Every now and then his arm ached and a dull pain took over. Although he’d been given a big bottle of pain medicine for the pain, he hadn’t even cracked it open once. He knew all too well the perils of servicemen who became addicted to pain killers. He wasn’t going down that road. He wanted to be strong for Maggie. If he needed to lean on something he would lean on the Lord…and his wife.
One look at a sleeping Maggie and his heart was threatening to bounce right out of his chest. She was so incredibly beautiful, he thought. And even though he knew she wasn't an angel, she sure looked like one at the moment. Her auburn hair was tousled over a pillow. She was sleeping on her side and clutching the duvet under her chin. He could only see her face in profile, but she looked serene.
All’s right with the world.
He rose from their bed and made his way into the bathroom. After turning on the shower he quickly stepped in, allowing the jets to stream over him. He closed his eyes and let the water wash over him as he thanked the Lord for all his blessings.
Lord, thank you for watching over me and keeping me safe from harm. Thank you for returning me to Maggie and my family.
Being back in Breeze Point was amazing. And being able to hold Maggie in his arms all night long felt like a dream. Blessed didn’t even begin to describe it.
When he came out of the shower Maggie was sitting up in bed, a contented smile lighting up her face. “I woke up and found you gone. I was beginning to wonder if I’d dreamed you.”
He walked over to the bed and planted a tender kiss on Maggie’s lips. “I’m not a dream, sweetheart. I’m very real.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. “Any dream with you in it is always a fairytale.”
“While I’d love to stand here and smooch with you, we’ve got a busy day ahead of us,” Alec said, holding his hands up and backing away from her.
“Mmm,” she said, tugging him by his arm to keep him close. “You’re right. Today is going to be jam packed with things to do. I promised Dottie I would make some turkey meatballs, Irish soda bread and a spinach salad for tonight,” Maggie said as she jumped up from bed and pulled her robe on.
Joy flooded his heart. He was so thankful to be standing here on Christmas Eve talking about mundane things instead of fighting a ruthless enemy on the other side of the world. So many soldiers hadn’t had been afforded the opportunity to spend the holidays with their loved ones this year. He knew he was one lucky man.
Maggie rummaged around in the top drawer of her dresser. “I’m going to go take a shower so we can get our day started. We have to decorate the tree, do some grocery shopping and cook some food to bring over to your Mom’s house. And if you want to stay here and get some extra rest, I can run the errands myself.”
She walked towards the bathroom that adjoined their bedroom, closing the door behind her once she’d crossed the threshold. Alec pulled a pair of briefs, jeans and a long-sleeved polo from his dresser drawer. For a few seconds he scoured around for some deodorant, with no luck. He had no idea where his toiletries bag was hiding. Knowing Maggie kept her deodorant in her lingerie drawer, he pulled open her top dresser drawer and began looking around for it.
How can one woman have so many pairs of underwear and pajamas? He thought as he dug through dozens of assorted panties, camisoles and pj sets. Cotton, lace, silk, satin.
He let out a chuckle. Now that he was home for good, he’d be finding out lots of Maggie’s habits and preferences. Finally, they would be living together as man and wife. They wouldn’t have to live with the fear of him returning to active duty. It was bound to take some of the pressure off. He couldn’t wait to see Maggie’s face when he told her his big news.
A manila file was resting at the bottom of the drawer. He drew his brows together, baffled at what Maggie had hidden away in her lingerie drawer. It had been lying out of sight beneath a mountain of underwear. Filled with curiosity, he pulled the papers from the file and scanned them.
A single word on the document jumped out at him. He had to steady himself so he wouldn’t drop to the floor.
It was amazing he was still standing, he thought, since the bottom had just fallen out of his world.
**
Maggie flicked the radio on as she stepped into the shower. She placed the radio at a safe distance from the shower. She loved listening to music while she showered. The festive beats of “Santa Baby” hummed in the air, causing her to do a little dance in the shower. She loved singing as a way of expressing herself. At the moment, she was feeling lighthearted and festive.
“I’ve been an awful good girl, Santa baby,” she sang out, trying to make her voice sound as sassy and pouty as the singer. “So hurry down the chimney tonight.”
She didn’t care what was sitting under her Christmas tree tomorrow morning. The only thing that mattered was that she and Alec were back on track. They were together again at the most sacred time of the year. Last night had been romantic and wondrous and memorable. She’d fixed them a simple dinner of chili, corn bread and salad. Alec had been ravenous. He’d devoured three servings. Afterwards, they’d cuddled in bed and watched her favorite old movie, “Meet Me in St. Louis.” She’d cried like a baby when Judy Garland had belted out “Have yourself a merry little Christmas” in an emotional scene with Margaret O'Brien. He’d held her hand and brought her a box of tissues and a hot mug of cocoa.
“This is my favorite movie of all time. I’ve seen it dozens of times,” she’d said, sniffing back the tears. “My Mum and I used to watch it together every Christmas.”
Alec had looked surprised. “Really? I’ve never even heard of it.”
She’d bopped him with the tissue box, deeply offended that he’d never heard of one of the best films of all time. “Seriously?
“The only movie I’ve ever seen with Judy Garland in it is the ‘Wizard of Oz.’ And my favorite part of that flick was the flying monkeys.”
Maggie had groaned. “Ugh. The flying monkeys practically ruined the movie. When I first saw the movie, they scared me so badly I had nightmares for weeks.”
He shrugged. “We didn’t watch a lot of TV or movies when I was a kid. In our neighborhood, we were out riding bikes or building forts. And if we did watch a movie it was an action flick.”
Sometimes Maggie forgot about Alec’s all American upbringing and the wholesome, safe environment he’d thrived in while growing up here in Cape Cod. She, on the other hand, had grown up in Ireland. There’d been no bike rides or fort building for her. Her family had been rather well off, and with no brothers or sisters, it had been a rather lonely childhood. She’d been well loved by her parents, if a bit sheltered. Her parents had chosen to immerse her in weekly violin lessons with Madame Florescu, a well-known violinist. And although she’d loved playing the violin, the rigors of her schedule hadn’t lent itself to play dates with other kids or fun stuff like sleepovers. In many ways, she’d missed out on a childhood, particularly once her family had been torn apart by tragedy.
But someday, she thought, she would give her own children the wonderful childhood their father had enjoyed. Joyful Christmases. Chasing salamanders. Sledding down Perkin's Peak. Finding the perfect tree in Nottingham woods.
She still hadn’t told Alec about what the doctor had said about giving them the go ahead to try for another baby. Later tonight, as they settled in for the night she would whisper the words that might change both their lives forever. A chill of anticipation trickled through her at all the possibilities.
Maggie walked out of the steam-filled bathroom after wrapping her wet hair in a turban. She’d bundled herself up in her over-sized bathrobe to keep herself cozy and warm. As soon as she got dressed she planned to make Alec his favorite breakfast of pancakes, eggs and sausage. A hero’s breakfast, she thought with a smile.
The moment she stepped in the bedroom, she sensed that something wasn’t right with Alec. He was standing with his back to her, gripping something tightly in his hand. His back was all tensed up.
“What is this?” He whirled around to face her, holding a document up in the air with trembling hands. Her heart jerked clumsily in her chest. Her pulse began to race erratically. She looked behind him at the open dresser drawer.
Maggie felt as if she was having an out of body experience. Please, God. No! This can't be happening. Why didn’t I get rid of that information? I should have just tossed it in the trash.
“I...Alec, it’s not what you think.” The words rushed out of her.
His brows were furrowed as he scanned the papers. “Irreconcilable differences?” he sputtered.
“No,” she moaned. “I never filed anything. I went and got some information from an attorney. I was feeling lost and scared and alone.”
His gaze swung towards her, skewering her to the spot. “You wanted to end our marriage?”
She flew to his side, her fingers reaching out to grab the papers. Her fingers were itching to rip them up, to erase them forever. She’d been so foolish to keep the papers.
He side stepped her, his grip still tight on the documents.
“Of course not,” she protested. “I never filed anything. I just wanted to talk to someone since things were so rocky. I went to an attorney and he gave me this information. I realized how foolish I was being the very next day. It was one bad moment. I’m so ashamed for being so weak,” she said with a sob.
“When?” His eyes were like laser beams. They never left her face. His face was pale and his mouth looked tight and hard.
“A-after that fight we had...we were so disconnected. It was after I lost our second baby.” She searched his face, looking for some confirmation that what she’d said was true. “You left for duty two days later and we were barely speaking. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that we were able to talk.”
Alec flared his nostrils. “So, let me get this straight. Because we had a fight you decided to meet with a lawyer and get information about divorce?”
Her throat felt as dry as sand paper. She looked down, unable to look him in the eye. How could she look at him when she was filled with so much shame? Every day she was growing more and more into the person she wanted to become. But she was human. Flawed. And she’d made a terrible mistake. But she’d learned from it. And from that choice she’d come to the realization that she could never let go of her marriage. Not ever.
“Yes. But I didn’t even fill out a single piece of paper, Alec. I could never do that.”
His harsh laughter filled the room. “No? It seems like you had it all worked out.”
She reached out to him, grasping his forearm in her hand. He flinched at her touch and pulled away, his face a mask of fury. He turned his back on her; she could see him shaking—with pain, rage, disgust. And it killed her to be the source of it. It gutted her to have hurt him so badly through her own insecurity and doubts. She’d been so incredibly lost and devastated after the second miscarriage. Her deepest fear had been that she would never bring Alec’s child into the world. And a large part of her believed Alec deserved better than she could provide.
She stood behind him, longing to reach out and touch him again, but filled with the knowledge that it wasn’t what he wanted. He was too raw, too wounded.
“It was a mistake, Alec. One moment where I lost faith in us.” Her voice broke and she knew she was seconds away from breaking down. “Two miscarriages, Alec. They’d taken their toll on me. I’m human. And I didn’t think you deserved to be stuck with a wife who might not be able to give you children. And I felt so very alone. The only person who could have comforted me was you. And if you remember we didn’t even have the words to console each other. And then you were gone. Please believe me.”
If he could just believe. Believe in her, believe in their love, and believe that she would never walk away from him. But hadn’t that been her problem? For one moment she’d stopped believing in the strength of their love. And now, everything between them hung in the balance because of a reckles
s decision she’d made.
Alec brushed his hands over his face. His breath sounded ragged and choppy to her ears. She knew he was fighting a losing battle with his anger. It felt as if she were losing him with every second that passed.
“I can’t believe I fought my way out of a war zone for this.” He slammed his fist on the dresser. She watched helplessly as he fed his belt through the loops of his pants with clumsy fingers. He stormed out of the bedroom, his anger carrying him swiftly away from her.
“Alec. Where are you going?” she asked as she flew down the stairs after him.
Without sparing her a glance, he grabbed his down jacket, his keys and his wallet. He wrenched open the front door, allowing a blast of winter air to filter inside.
“Alec! Don’t leave. Not like this,” she begged from the doorway. “Please don’t shut down on me. I love you. That’s never changed. Listen to me, Alec.”
He turned back towards her, his expression venomous. “How can I listen to you when I can’t even bear to look at you?”
The blast of cold air felt like a slap in the face as she stood at the door watching the love of her life walk out of her life. She wrapped her arms around her waist as she began to tremble uncontrollably. She couldn’t help but wonder if she’d lost Alec forever.
**
For what seemed like an eternity she sat in the love seat and stared out at the frosty landscape, leaping out of her seat every time she saw a car hurtling down the road. She died a little inside every time she realized it wasn’t Alec. She wrapped herself in a wool blanket, clutching it tightly around her to ward off a chill that had nothing to do with the weather.
Where are you, Alec?
It was shaping up to be the bleakest Christmas Eve of her life. Instead of decorating the Christmas tree with her husband and baking Yule Logs, she was hoping and praying he would come back home.
Alec had been gone for more than three hours. She had no way of knowing if he’d be back. An hour ago she’d broken down and called Dottie, who’d been shocked to discover that Alec was MIA.