by Lisa Olsen
“Come here, darlin’.” Parker gathered me into his arms and for once I didn’t care if the other employees got the wrong idea about us. I needed that hug more than anything else. “Occam’s razor, the easiest explanation is usually the correct one. Technology screws things up all the time. The doc said it looked normal, right? So, that’s what we go with.”
“Occam’s razor?” I pulled back to raise a brow at him.
“What? I watch TV.” Parker sniffed self-consciously, making me laugh for the first time all afternoon.
“You’re right, I’ve got to stop freaking myself out like this. It’s gonna be fine.”
“That’s right. Better than fine because you are gonna be one dynamite mother.” He tucked the hair back behind my ear with an encouraging smile. “That is one lucky bun in your oven.”
That was the second time that day someone used the expression. “Well, I’d better take this baby bun and get to work or I’m going to be one unemployed mother,” I replied with a half smile as our first customers of the night came in.
“That’s right, back to work, you.” Parker snapped a towel at my behind, and I caught it, deftly tossing it back in his own face.
Suddenly, I felt like I could face the world.
* * *
I couldn’t face my mother.
Too many nagging phone conversations with bits of unsolicited advice had me dodging her calls not two weeks after I’d pledged to look after her. I even made myself imperceptible once when I saw her on my street until she passed. Don’t judge me, I panicked. Haven’t you ever wished you could be invisible to avoid someone you don’t want to talk to? Well, I can, so I did. I felt terrible about it afterwards.
After all that stuff with my Dad, I was ready to put a little distance between me and family for a while, but he left town as abruptly as he arrived without trying to contact me at all. I think on some level he realized I wouldn’t put up with his crap anymore and might have even been a little afraid of me, but I didn’t care enough to ask him about it. I was just glad he’d gone without a fight.
I’d been putting Mom off for too long though, wanting to avoid her questions. I decided to bite the bullet and meet her for lunch the next day. My morning sickness definitely started to fade, and I was ravenous as I slid into the booth at the Edgewater’s dining room.
Everything looked good, and for once I decided to splurge, even though normally I’m more of a quick meal on the go kind of girl with my budget. I urged my mom to order whatever she wanted too, but she stuck to the cheaper side of the menu.
“We should save our money with the baby coming anyway,” she replied after we’d placed our order.
“Our money?” My brows lifted as I caught her use of that particular pronoun.
“Of course. You don’t think I’d let my baby shoulder all the burden on her own do you?” She patted my hand with a smile.
“Um, Mom… what money do you have? You haven’t had a job for how long now?” In fact, I wasn’t sure how she paid for her day to day expenses, Adam only footed the bill for her hotel room.
“I’ll find one.” She waved it away as if it was a given. “You’ll need my help after the baby comes.”
“I’ll be fine. I get maternity leave benefits for a few months and then I’ll figure something out. It shouldn’t be too hard to get some help with babysitting since I don’t work usual hours.” I figured if Daphne took a night, maybe Sam with a bit of training, Parker… between them, I could keep my childcare costs to a minimum.
“Don’t be silly, I’ll be around to watch the baby when you’re at work. It’ll save some money with me moving in with you, but we’ll need to get a bigger apartment. I was thinking…”
“Whoa, hold on a sec… you’re not moving in with me and I’m not getting a bigger apartment.” That needed saying right off the bat. My place might be small, but there was room for a crib in my bedroom.
“But you don’t have enough room for a newborn in your apartment,” she insisted.
“I’ll make do. Besides, I thought you liked staying here at the hotel?”
“It’s so impersonal here.” Her nose wrinkled with distaste. “And I thought you didn’t want to use his money.”
She had me there, but for some reason it didn’t bother me as much when it was her doing the using. Maybe it was because he’d made the arrangements himself before he left. “I don’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t. I appreciate the offer of help, I really do. And I can use the babysitting, I’m sure, but I need my own space, Mom.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure.” I laid my hand over hers, sending a pulse of soothing Grace until the pinched look went out of her eyes.
“Alright then, baby. Maybe I’ll go back home until the baby comes then? Then I can come up for another long visit?”
“Really?” I blinked, trying to keep the relief from my face. “If you think that’s best, then maybe you should.” Otherwise it’d be a long six months…
“Marie’s been asking me when I’m coming home, you know she can’t get along without me for long.” She launched into a one sided discussion about the role she played in Marie’s household (which sounded far fetched to me) until the food came to the table.
“Be sure to thank Adam for letting me stay here for so long, if you talk to him.”
I’d have plenty of other things to address first if Adam showed his face, but I smiled and nodded as we said our goodbyes after making arrangements for me to take her to the airport.
I wondered if Adam still thought about me as much as I thought about him. The pregnancy pretty much never let me forget about him from day to day, but was he out there somewhere moving on?
If I concentrated, I could feel him out there - far away, but still in the world. Still alive, doing God knew what with his days. Farther still I could sense Raziel, but it was very faint with him in Midian.
As I said goodbye to my mother at the airport, I thought about calling Adam to fill him in on the latest news. To give him a report on my life and the baby the way I had the last time he disappeared, but I put my phone away without dialing his number. I was tired of putting myself out there into the void on the hopes that he’d throw a few crumbs of attention my way. If he wanted to know how the baby and I were doing, he could damn well ask me himself.
Chapter Nine
Have you ever gone to sleep one night and woken up and it’s two months later? Okay, not literally, but I swear it felt like two months went by in the blink of an eye. Still no word from Adam, but each day got easier to accept his absence, and I started to believe he might never come home. I started to think… maybe I didn’t want him to anymore.
The regular monthly check ups with Dr. Hathaway set my fears to rest. The baby wasn’t growing at crazy exponential speeds, and after I could see more detail in the ultrasound I started to relax a bit. The only thing I hadn’t been able to see was the sex of the baby, as he or she kept its behind aimed at the instruments no matter how hard we tried to get it to change position. I took to calling the baby Bunny for my little bun in the oven for the time being, but my list of prospective names grew almost daily.
It was hard to pretend I was anything but pregnant anymore. At a little over five months along, I definitely showed, but wasn’t so big I needed help getting up out of chairs or anything. I could still wear some of my more stretchy tops, but I had to say goodbye to all my jeans and hope I could fit into them once I came though the other side.
Let me tell you, shopping for maternity clothes isn’t like regular shopping. There is no joy in finding cute clothes, because they don’t exist unless you’re willing to pay an arm and a leg for them. Sticking to my own funds, I opted to shop in secondhand stores and my biggest delight was in finding pants that looked like jeans but had a big elastic panel in the front to support my belly. As long as I wore a baggy top I could look reasonably normal, but I felt as wide as a house on some days. Even my feet grew a size bigger. What was that ab
out?
Without the constant nausea and fatigue, I got bitten by the nesting bug big time. I had to look that up, by the way. Apparently the mother is inspired to ready her “nest” in preparation for the coming baby. What that translated into for me was some serious spring cleaning. Poor Nelo, I kept him hopping with all the special chores. We’re talking everything from toothbrushes on the grout to taking down the drapes to wash them until my apartment gleamed.
And baking. I’d always been lousy at baking, but I had the biggest cravings for baked goods and I finally got the hang of it after a lot of trial and error. I know, eating for two wasn’t a license to eat my weight in cookies, but I didn’t like to sit idly for very long and I seemed to not need as much sleep as soon as the second trimester hit me. I gave away more than I ate and the guys at work got used to me showing up for my shift with a plate of something most nights.
I didn’t see much of either Sam or Daphne, and I ended up hanging out with Luz or Parker a lot when I didn’t have to work. From the snippets of conversation I picked up when we touched bases, I gathered they were living firmly in the land of denial, pretending the course they were on couldn’t end in anything but hearts and flowers.
I finally managed to wrangle them both for a night of Totally Awesome Tuesday movies and snacks, and I’d decided to make it Hunger Games themed (minus the hunger), since that’s what I had from Netflix. I went all out with outlandish snacks inspired by the movie and recipes I found online. Nelo seemed very interested in the cheese tartlets, and I let him sample a little preview with Mimsy who became his very best friend the moment he sat down with it.
“It finally happened!” Daphne gushed, the moment she got to my place. Cheeks bright with color, she looked about ready to explode with good news.
“What happened?”
“You know…” She gave me a meaningful look, but I had no clue what she meant at all.
“You’re gonna have to throw me a bone here. Is it bigger than a bread basket?”
“Sam and I…” she beamed, plopping down on the couch, completely ignoring the elegant buffet I’d laid out on the breakfast bar.
“Sam and you…” I waved her on, and then I got it. “Oh. You mean Sam and you… are dirty sinners?” I couldn’t help but tease.
“Shut up, it’s not a sin.” She smacked my knee with a laugh. “We’re in love, that makes it okay.”
I wasn’t so sure about that in God’s books, but I didn’t want to argue the point. “Wow, that’s… wow.” I admit, I didn’t think they’d ever take the step, not with Sam knowing what the consequences could be. Then again, they weren’t married like Adam had been when his wife was killed. Maybe nothing bad would happen?
“I know, right?” Whatever their actions might bring, Daphne obviously didn’t want to dwell on them, too giddy with happiness.
“When did this happen?”
“Last night. I still can’t really believe it happened, it was so unexpected.”
“So, um, how was it?” Not that I wanted details, but she seemed to want to talk about it.
“It was wonderful,” she sighed, leaning back against the couch. “Well… I mean, at first he was a little like Bambi with new legs on ice, but after a while, he definitely got the hang of it.”
“Okay, that’s maybe more information than I needed to know.” I took a cooling sip of iced tea to wash away that mental image. “But um… so now you two are… together, together?”
“Definitely.”
I listened to her talk about the future with absolute faith in their love. It was sweet, but part of me couldn’t help but think it wasn’t that simple. Unable to keep from snacking, I dug into the spread while she chatted, and I was on my second trip to the breakfast bar when I noticed the time. Sam should have been there a long time ago.
I sent him a quick text while I refilled my glass. Where r u? I hovered by the by the snacks while I waited for a response.
Nothing.
Finally, Daphne’s stomach gave a rumble and she looked at the clock. “OMG, I didn’t realize it was getting so late. No wonder I’m starving,” she grinned, hopping up to buffet. “I wonder what’s keeping Sam?”
“I wish I knew.” Or I wished I didn’t know, because I had definite ideas percolating in the back of my brain.
“I’ll try texting him,” she replied, fingers flying over the keyboard, and I hoped she had better luck than I did. As the minutes ticked by, Daphne started to lose some of her good mood, and despite her rumbly tummy, she didn’t eat much of the food on her plate. “Mercy… do you think something bad could have happened to him?” she asked at length.
“No, nothing happened to him,” I said confidently, feeling in my gut I would have known if he was in trouble thanks to our shared Grace. “Why don’t we go ahead and start the movie though? You know Sam, he gets easily distracted. He’s probably holed up with one of his books and forgot about the time.” I don’t know why I made excuses for him, I just knew she needed to hear it at the time. Mollified by my thin assurances, Daphne settled in to watch the movie, but I found myself distracted.
Could Sam have freaked out and skipped town without saying goodbye?
By the end of the movie, I had a pretty good idea I wasn’t going to like the answer to that question. Daphne was still in her bubble of happiness though, and I refused to be the one to burst it. Instead I hugged her goodbye, put away my leftovers, ate my fifth cookie of the day and then stepped out into the night sky.
I’d definitely started to prefer traveling by flight than by driving. I didn’t even worry if anyone could see me anymore. I had the imperceptibility down pat without sparing it much thought. Besides, it saved me a fortune on gas.
That night I had one destination in mind. I didn’t bother to call him, via cellphone or otherwise, I knew he wouldn’t appear. I only hoped I wasn’t too late, but Sam didn’t feel distant the same way Adam did. I kept myself dim as I entered his apartment building through the main entrance (I was way too clumsy and awkward with my pregnant belly to manage trying the bedroom window the way most angels seemed to prefer). It wasn’t in the best part of town, and even though I didn’t have anything to fear from most people anymore, I didn’t feel like slowing down to deal with anyone who got in my way. I had bigger fish to fry.
Sam’s front door was unlocked, as usual, and I felt myself holding onto a breath as I entered, relieved when I saw his messy blonde curls tilt up at me. He didn’t look all that surprised to see me, and went back to the task of carefully packing up his books without saying anything. Even when he hid from me before he never packed up his books. Whatever he had planned, it looked permanent.
“What the hell is this?” I demanded, slamming his door shut, but he barely flinched at all.
“I can’t watch movies with you tonight, Mercy. Something of far more import has come up.”
“Yeah, I heard all about it,” I muttered, trying to figure out what was different about him. It was more than the lack of his usual open smile. Sam looked… harder. Maybe that’s the wrong word, I don’t know, but it made me nervous.
“Then you know why I have to leave,” he said simply, continuing to ignore me for the most part, utterly focused on preserving his precious books.
“No, I don’t,” I said, my eyes narrowing. “Why don’t you explain it to me? Or better yet, explain it to Daphne, who is off in fantasy land expecting you to turn up at her door any moment now.”
“I can’t stay now that I’ve… sullied what we had. I can’t risk her life by continuing it.”
“Sullied?” Ugh, trust an angel to have guilt issues with sex. I guess it made sense, it being his first time and forbidden and all. “That’s one way of putting it. Maybe you should have thought about that before you slept with her.”
Sam’s head came up and he threw me a pained look. “I didn’t mean to!”
“Oh, someone put a gun to your head, is that it?” I fired right back at him. “Grow up, Sam. You made a big boy decisio
n, now you need to stay and live with the consequences.”
“If I leave now she’ll be safe.” Sam went back to his packing, utterly convinced in the sincerity of his words. “Adam had many one night stands with women and there were never any reprisals.”
I pushed away the image of Adam with his bevy of bimbos. “He wasn’t in love with any of them. You care about Daphne, don’t you?”
“You know I do. We would not be in this difficulty if I had not allowed myself to experience these feelings for her.”
“What makes you think she’ll be fine if you leave?”
“I can’t stay with her now. It would be too difficult.”
“Anything worthwhile is. I feel like I keep having the same conversation over and over with you people. When are you going to get it through your skulls that she won’t be any safer with you gone?”
“I have no choice in the matter.”
“Yes, you do. You have a world full of choices, this is just the easiest one. And the stupidest, by the way.” I waited for a rebuttal, but Sam ignored me, reaching for the packing tape. “Then you don’t care what this does to her at all?”
“Daphne will recover soon enough. Better she suffer this heartache now and live to love another.”
“Easy for you to say, you don’t have to be here to pick up the pieces. Tear filled nights wondering what she’s done wrong to drive you away. She’ll be devastated.”
“Don’t project your own abandonment issues onto our relationship,” he said coldly and I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. This was a new Sam, and I didn’t care for the change very much.
“I thought you were different.”
“I’m just a man, same as any other.”
“You’re supposed to be better than that.” Didn’t he see that?
“I’m not.”
I met his gaze for long moments and I was the first one to look away. “Alright, obviously there’s no point in trying to talk you out of this, you’ve made your decision. Are you at least going to say goodbye to her?”