by Lisa Olsen
“When you’re done talking to loverboy, we’ve got a baby to find.”
“I’ll be right out!” A few murmured endearments and I joined Adam with a combination of annoyance and shame. In a way he was right, it was starting to get late. The chances we would find Ben in exactly the same spot grew slimmer by the minute. Still, I knew Parker would be a ball of worry at home, and I didn’t begrudge him that time.
“Finally,” Adam muttered, starting off at a brisk pace the moment I came into view. I ignored his tone, jogging to catch up with him.
“Are you absolutely sure it’s the train station in Portland? I didn’t see any signs with the city name on it.” I’d only been to Portland a few times myself, mostly on the road up or down to California.
“Yeah, the building is pretty distinguishable, you’ll see,” he replied with confidence. “It’s right over there.” Turning a corner, the big brick building came into view and I had to give him props, it definitely was the same building alright. My steps grew perceptibly faster as the station loomed up ahead, eager to find them, but the spot where we’d seen him huddled over was empty.
“Damn it,” I hissed, looking frantically in every direction.
“Relax, he’s probably inside. Come on.” Undaunted, Adam strode to the main entrance with purpose. I wanted to look around outside a bit more, but I could see the logic in checking the inside of the station first. Not that it was all that cold outside on a warm August night, but inside would undoubtedly be more comfortable if he didn’t have somewhere else to go. I didn’t want to think about what we’d do if we couldn’t find him in the vicinity. Stake it out and hope he returned?
There were still a fair amount of people in the station despite the late hour, and we spotted a few people who might have been homeless parked on benches, but none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Ben. I stopped trying to get a look at any of their faces, instead focusing on their auras to clue me in. Even in his darkest period, the base of Ben’s aura remained true.
I’d started to give serious thought to splitting up and searching again when I spotted the familiar wash of indigo that marked Ben’s soul. Wearing a dirty brown sweater and a ratty pair of pants that had once been khakis, his dark curly hair was matted and stuck up at odd angles. A bushy beard shot with strands of gray all but obscured his face, and his brown eyes were hooded as he sat rocking back and forth on a long wooden bench outside the ladies room.
Clutched in his arms was the same gray woolen blanket and he muttered to it as he rocked, his foot tapping in counterpart as if he couldn’t stand to stay still for a second. With a sob of relief, I moved faster than I thought possible, snatching the bundle out of his arms.
Dimly, I heard his cry of outrage, and I became aware of a minor scuffle as Adam kept him from lunging at me to retrieve the bundle. But all I could focus on was the pain twisting my heart when the threadbare blanket fell away to reveal the dirty, pink, plastic box.
I sank to my knees, numb with disappointment as I stared at the stupid thing. I’d been so sure! So sure Ben had Bunny and I’d have her back in my arms that very night. I should have known. I should have realized Ben was in no shape to kidnap a baby and steal it all the way down to Portland. How could I have been so stupid?
The walls holding back my emotions crumbled and rotted away in the face of the new disappointment, and I openly wept, not caring what it must look like to the people in the train station. Gradually, I felt Adam’s arms go around me, holding me close, and I cried all over his shoulder until I ran out of tears. Even then, I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to open my eyes and embrace a reality without my child in it.
“Mercy…” Adam’s voice was low at my ear. “We should get moving. Come on, let’s go.”
He was right, I knew it, but it didn’t make it any easier to lift my head. In the end, it was concern for Ben that made me pull back with a sniff. Ben sat on the ground next to the bench, clutching Azazael’s box, rocking back and forth again.
“Is he okay?”
“Ben’s gone completely out of his gourd, but I think it works for him,” Adam replied, gently pulling me to my feet. Ben’s aura was still a peaceful indigo with no sign of the darkness that had been eaten away thanks to Lucifer, but Ben was far from the man I’d known.
“Ben?” I said gently, pulling myself out of Adam’s arms to crouch down beside him. “Ben, can you hear me?”
“Of course I can hear you.” He smiled up at me sunnily before a distracted look swept over his features. “No, she can’t,” he added.
“What are you doing here?”
“Sitting.”
“Okay, why are you sitting here?”
“Because this is where my shoes are.” The same distracted look affected him and he muttered something else I couldn’t quite catch.
“Ben, you have to give us the box. It’s not good for you.” I held out my arms, but he only clutched Azazael tighter, a petulant moue twisting his lips.
“No, this is my only sunshine.”
“Ben… please?”
“No, you know what happened last time, I won’t do it again. Burned and burned and ate my guts for garters. She doesn’t have it in her anymore anyways, can’t you see? She’s empty, like you.” Ben scratched at his beard furiously with both hands, hard enough to make me wince.
I traded looks with Adam who made a crazy loop around his ear with his finger. “Ben, are you talking to Azazael?”
“He’s a poop,” he smiled up at me again.
“No arguments here,” Adam smirked, and I straightened up to talk to him.
“We have to help him, we can’t just leave him here.”
“Why not? He looks happy enough.”
“Because he’s a human being. One that deserves a hell of a lot more than a life like this.”
“Hey, he made his choices. What do you want me to do, tie him up and take him with us? He likes it here.”
“You’re impossible, you know that?” I scowled at him. “We have to get Azazael away from him, that’s what’s making him looney tunes. Maybe then he’ll go back to normal.”
“Alright, I’ll take care of that.” Bending down, he scooped the pink box out of Ben’s arms easily, freezing him in place when he started to bellow in protest. “There, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Now, you keep him like that while I take care of our friend here.”
“Are you nuts? I can’t keep him all frozen like this. What if someone notices?” Not that anyone paid us any particular mind, but the longer we stuck around, the bigger risk we took.
“They’ll think he had a stroke, no biggie.”
“And you just take off and leave me here with him? Typical,” I snorted, and Adam’s eyes narrowed angrily.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Like you don’t know.”
“Whatever. Look, I’m gonna get rid of this and I’ll be right back.”
“I think maybe I’d better hang onto him. I promised him to Remiel.” Plucking the box from Adam’s hands, I tucked it under my arm. “Now help me with Ben, we’re not leaving him here.”
Adam’s mouth opened and closed like he thought better of what he’d been about to say, then he bent over to pick Ben up, tossing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. “Ugh, he could sure use a bath,” he muttered, shifting his hold on him.
“That’s probably a good idea, let’s get him cleaned up. Who knows, a little food, a hot shower and no Azazael, and he might be back to his old self.”
Only it didn’t work.
I stowed Azazael in a locker for safekeeping at the bus terminal across the street, and then we found a cheap motel to hole up in and try to get Ben cleaned up. An hour later, Ben was cleaner, fuller, but no less nuts. After tucking him into the bed, I held his hand until he fell asleep as my presence seemed to calm him.
“He’s asleep,” I reported, joining Adam on the lumpy couch of our presidential suite. “Any ideas where we go now?”
&
nbsp; “You should get some rest,” he replied, brushing the hair back from my shoulder. “You look pretty wiped out.”
“I wouldn’t be able to sleep right now.” I didn’t even know if I could. I’d noticed I slept less and less each night, and I was willing to bet I didn’t need to sleep at all anymore.
“Sure you can. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
“That seems doubtful seeing as how we still have no idea where Bunny is.” I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes, wishing I could sleep. Then maybe I could magically wake up and find it had all been a terrible dream. But that wasn’t reality, and as soon as we regrouped I’d have to press on.
“Still, it’s a good idea to clear the mind.” Adam rubbed at my shoulder and I gave a little groan as muscles I hadn’t realized were clenched and tense responded. Only the last thing my mind felt was clear when he was that close to me. I know I should have pulled away, it was inappropriate to say the least, but it felt so good… I let him keep rubbing my shoulders, knowing it fully well it was a bad idea. To my utter surprise, Adam pulled away on his own after a few minutes and I rolled my shoulders experimentally.
“Thanks,” I murmured, but he didn’t look up at me, staring straight ahead at the dark television set.
“This never would have happened I hadn’t left you.”
I’d already had that thought, but let it go. There was no use in crying over what couldn’t be changed. Still, it was surprising to hear that bit of introspection from him. “You don’t know that.”
“We’ll never know, will we?” His head came up and I felt my heart twist at the anguish I saw in his clear, blue eyes.
“Adam…” I pulled him into a hug, offering the comforting shoulder that time. He clung to me fiercely, burying his face in my neck.
“I’m sorry, Mercy, so sorry…” he breathed. “I never meant for any of this to happen. I thought… I wanted you to be safe. Both of you.”
“I know.” I smoothed my fingers through his hair, but I couldn’t tell him it was okay… no matter how much I wanted him to stop suffering, because it wasn’t. It might not be his fault Bunny was missing, but I couldn’t tell him he’d made the right decision. He was right about one thing - we’d never know how it would have turned out if he’d never left. With Adam present in the delivery room would I have our baby safe and sound in my arms? It was useless to speculate.
We sat like that for a long time, soaking in each other’s comfort and misery until he pulled back to look at me.
“I hate to be the one to say this, but have you thought about the possibility that we won’t be able to get her back?” he said gravely and I shoved him away a little harder than I intended to.
“Don’t say that.”
“I’m saying what needs to be said. I’ll keep looking with you while we have leads to follow up on, but eventually we might have to accept…”
“No, there is no eventually. I’m getting her back.” I rose to pace the small room, the inactivity suddenly unacceptable. “Parker will help me if you don’t want to anymore.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to help. Damn it Mercy, I’m trying to get you to accept certain realities.”
“Realities change all the time, this is proof of that.”
“Speaking of which, I’m done running away from my problems. I’m ready to try this again.”
“Try what again?”
“You and me.”
Did Adam figure I could pretend we’d never had a baby and things would go back to the way they were before he left? I stared at him in a combination of horror and self loathing at the tiny piece of me that wanted to take him up on his offer. “You’re too late, I’m not available.”
“I don’t see a ring on your finger and you know there’s no excuse for you to be with Parker anymore now that the baby’s gone.”
All of a sudden it got a lot easier to say no. “I don’t need an excuse to be with Parker. I choose to be with him.”
“I thought you said you didn’t love him.”
“A lot has changed since you left.”
“I still love you. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Not when you made the decision to abandon us.” I held up my hand when he started to say more. “No, I don’t want to hear your reasons. I understand they seemed like good reasons to you, but the truth is, you’ve never been there when I needed you. Parker has. He’s earned the right to my love and I’m not going to dump him now because you decide it’s safe to risk being in my life again.”
“So that’s it? I’m supposed to step aside and let him have you?”
“It’s not up to you. You lost the right to be a part of my life like that. If… when we get Bunny back, that’s a different story. If you want to be involved with her upbringing, we’ll figure something out. But you and I…”
“You can’t tell me he gives you everything you need…”
Before I could say another word he pulled me into his arms, his lips covering mine. I wish I could say I shoved him away or delivered a dramatic slap across the face like they do in the movies, but I’m weak. I kissed him back. It was a wonderful, awful, thrilling, heart-pounding, magical, gut-wrenching kiss, because I knew in the back of my mind it was also a form of goodbye. Because as much as I loved the passion in his kiss, it wasn’t enough.
“Neither do you,” I whispered when the kiss drew to a close.
Adam’s thumb brushed across my cheek as he took in my words, and I saw defeat in his eyes for the first time. With a nod, he let go of me, long strides carrying him to the door.
“You’re leaving?” I don’t know why it surprised me, but I still felt disappointment.
“Relax, I’ll be back later. I have to take care of some things.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Adam was right. My body didn’t need the rest but my mind needed some time to clear, and I fell asleep on the couch after he left. I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but it was still dark out when a knock sounded on the door, rousing me from my nap.
Looking through the peephole, I found a man and a woman I’d never seen before standing outside. Her light brown hair spilled loose around her shoulders almost to her waist, and she wore a pale blue sundress with flipflops that had little flowers glued to the straps. The man had on jeans and a blue button up shirt, a brown leather jacket a little out of place in the warm summer night. From their auras I knew they weren’t drug dealers or kidnappers, but I studied them a few moments longer, wondering if they’d go away when I didn’t answer. Odds were they had the wrong door.
“How do you even know she’s awake?” I heard him ask her through the door.
“Because this is the right room. I wrote it down, see?”
“Maybe he meant the one in Tigard?” He laid his ear to the door and I went completely still. “Does that mean we have to schlep ourselves all the way out there now?”
“You could have stayed home, you’re the one who insisted on coming with me.” The woman knocked again politely, a confident set to her shoulders.
“Oh right, like I’m gonna let you go off in the middle of the night to some seedy motel. That’ll happen… never.”
“It’s not a seedy…”
“Can I help you?” I swung the door open, willing to give them a few minutes to set them on the right path.
“Hi, you must be Mercy, right?” The woman’s smile broadened the instant she saw me. “Adam described you perfectly.”
“Adam sent you here?” My brows drew together in confusion.
“He thought you could use our help. I’m Annaliese and this is Nick.” She held out her hand and I shook it, then Nick’s.
“Help?” They looked so… normal. Then again, there was something about her… “I’m sorry, he didn’t tell me he was sending anyone over. What did he say you could help me with?” Anyone could drop Adam’s name, I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea to let them in, even if their auras were clean.
“He said you have
a friend who’s had a special run of bad luck lately,” she said carefully, looking over her shoulder. “He thinks we might be able to help get him back on track.”
“Bat shit crazy is what he said, actually,” Nick supplied, throwing her a “what?” expression when she shot him a dirty look. “Well, he did…”
“Do you think maybe we could come in to talk about it?”
“If it helps I am a cop.” Nick produced an ID badge. “So, we’re not trying to lure our way into your motel room to have our wicked way with you.” He waggled his eyebrows playfully.
I’m not sure why, but that made me feel better, despite my hit and miss experience with the police. Besides, I was pretty sure I could handle them if they weren’t who they said they were, and I had a hunch Ben might feel better with a cop around too.
“Sure, come on in, Detective.” I stepped away from the door, holding it open wide.
“Actually, it’s Sergeant,” he corrected me, and I caught Annaliese tell him to drop it under her breath with an elbow to his ribs.
“What is it you can do for Ben?” I asked once we were all inside. Not entirely sure what Adam told them, I didn’t want to volunteer anything.
“Basically he said your friend used to be a cop…”
“A very noble profession,” Nick, interjected.
“But he’s been off the force since he had a mental breakdown following prolonged contact with… dark forces.”
“It’s never the light forces,” Nick sighed, taking a seat on the low couch.
“Right, that part I already know.” My head ping ponged between them as they spoke. “Where do you two come in?”
“Adam said the two of you were in the middle of something big.” Talk about an understatement. “We’re here to make sure Ben gets the help he needs.”
“You can help with something like that? Are you a shrink?”